rblayer Reviews

Dallas (2012–2014)

Just Another Bunch of Pretty Faces

[2/10 · 15 June 2012]

I was a huge fan of the original series, and as a proud native Texan, always got goose bumps when the camera scanned Texas Stadium during the opening credits. I also confess to being glued to my television to find out 'Who Shot J.R.?', along with the rest of the human race. Perhaps 16 minutes is not enough time to accurately judge the new "Dallas", but in those few moments we discover Bobby Ewing with fatal colon cancer; J.R. in a nursing home; John Ross discovering a $100 billion oil deposit under South Fork; and Bobby's adopted son discovering a limitless source of alternative fuel. Spliced into this mega-drama are two gorgeous couples, one making out in a swank country club's women's dressing room and the other pair frolicking in an oil well gusher a la some 1940s black and white movie western. When Bobby steadfastly insists on selling the ranch and prohibiting drilling, I grabbed the clicker, unfortunately not before hearing his self-righteous soliloquy about how oil destroyed the Ewing family and the wishes of his dead mother Miss Ellie. Life is far too short for me to waste another 16 minutes to see how this mess developed. I gave "Dallas" two stars only because so many pretty faces deserve more than one.

Mad Men (2007–2015)

R.I.P. - Spoiler Alert

[3/10 · 12 June 2012]

Having grown up in the 1960s, I quickly became a big Mad Men fan as the characters reminded me of my parents and their friends. From an historical aspect, many bittersweet memories were aroused as the Madison Avenue advertising agency dealt with the Nixon vs. Kennedy election, the Cuban Missile Crisis and Dealy Plaza assassination, in addition to the drama and crises in their own personal lives. I was dismayed when the series took a long sabbatical after three seasons. Unfortunately, the extra long wait for what was advertised as the "last season" was hardly worth it.The reviewer who characterized episodes as "gut wrenching"must get apoplectic watching grass grow. While there were a few good scenes among the myriad of plots, subplots and sub- subplots, as a whole, Season 4 was a jumbled mess and rehashing of earlier scripts. As a member of the minuscule fan base of this series, I can only hope that the show's producers allow it to rest in peace, and allow us to remember Don Draper as the most successful heavy smoking, drinking, skirt-chasing, non-working hero that we have ever known.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

2 hours 38 minutes too long!

[3/10 · 14 May 2012]

First the good news, Daniel Craig is better as a Swedish journalist than as James Bond, and, Christopher Plummer is still an imposing character actor at age 82. Now the bad news. Having read and enjoyed the book and Swedish movie, I waited to see this film on pay-per-view, which is kind of good news considering ticket prices these days. Unfortunately, my familiarity with the story was of little help as I spent over two and a half hours scratching my head watching a complex mess that bore only a slight resemblance to the novel or foreign film. I felt sorry for anyone who had neither read the book nor seen the movie, and sorrier for those who had. Swedish names and towns with double-digit letter length and difficult pronunciations only made following the dialog and story more difficult. I have not watched many foreign films with English subtitles, so, if you haven't already read the book or seen the American film version, I highly recommend the Swedish movie.

Whitney (2011–2013)

I Like Whitney!!!

[23 September 2011]

Shame on those reviewers that gave this cute new show a rating of "1". These are probably the same artsy snobs that rant and rave about horrible movies that they call "films". After turning "Up All Night" off after three minutes, I was a bit skeptical about another attempt at "Whitney", and was actually standing to leave the room when I was immediately attracted to a very likable young lady. I sat back down, and thoroughly enjoyed the pilot episode and the fresh and quirky Whitney Cummings. Her supporting cast was equally likable, and I think this new series deserves a chance. The naysayers can go back to watching AMC.

Burlesque (I) (2010)

Best Musical Since Funny Girl

[10/10 · 28 November 2010]

Growing up in the 60's I went to see "Burlesque" because of Cher. I walked out hopelessly in love with Christina Aguilera. For over a decade now I have wrongfully categorized this beautiful and talented young women in a group with the likes of other blonde paparazzi favorites like Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Lady Gaga, et al. To atone for this sin, I immediately ordered three of her albums. I can add little to the earlier rave reviews of this film, other than to say it was 100 minutes of sheer joy. Anyone complaining about this movie's plot should never, ever be allowed into a musical. I wouldn't be surprised to see numerous Oscar nominations for musical score, art direction, editing, costumes, and yes, even acting. We can only pray for more of these "Cabaret" and "Chicago" type films.

Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Spoiler - A Movive Not for Everyone - Spoiler

[3/10 · 4 January 2010]

If you love Quentin Tarantino, or, if you think it's cool to love Quentin Tarantino (I'm in neither category); and, if you are "Pulp Fiction" worshiper (I'm not), and if think that long, drawn out senseless sub-titled dialog somehow makes a boring movie more artsy and 'chi chi' (which I don't), and you are spellbound by excessive close-ups of inanimate objects, including several of a bowl of whipped cream (I do, however, like whipped cream), then, and only then is this movie for you. I should have known that weak movies advertise the only decent scenes in the film. When I forked over 3.99 at Blockbuster, I expected to see an over-acting Brad Pitt win World War II with the help of some Jewish commandos, ie. Clint Eastwood. While playing a big part of the movie's relentless commercial advertisements, the almost comical scenes with Pitt are all too scarce. The one saving member of this international cast was Christoph Waltz whose portrayal of a remorseless Nazi SS officer, rivals Ralph Fiennes', characterization of Amon Goeth in "Schindler's List", and is worthy of awards and praise. Otherwise this Tarantino mish-mash of a movie is worth a mere three stars, which I consider generous, and makes me glad that it was a rental.

The Cleveland Show (2009–2013)

Possibly the Worst of All Time

[1/10 · 14 December 2009]

Shortly after the second episode, I sat down to write a scathingly bad review, but, there were so many others that I thought it a waste of time to share my views about a soon-to-be-canceled show. Also, like trying to fairly judge a new restaurant on opening night, I thought that my negative opinion may have been premature. I have since recorded and attempted to watch portions of several other episodes. Last evenings Christmas show absolutely crossed the line and established a new personal definition of "awful". I am a huge "Family Guy" fan and near-famous for my warped, sick and twisted sense of humor. I just find nothing funny in a constant and disgusting reference to genitalia and perverted sex. The attempted African American humor is lame, racist, and sexist to an almost criminal degree. I have noticed that there have been some recent rave reviews about this comedic abomination, and while respecting the right of everyone to express an opinion, these sick bastards will not be invited to sip eggnog this holiday season.

Community (2009–2015)

Sorry...Not me, the show

[1/10 · 28 September 2009]

I attempted to watch the first two episodes of this unfunny mishmash of a sitcom, but was compelled to quickly find my "clicker" lest what's left of my 'baby boomer' brain disintegrate. My mother taught me to try and find the good in everything. Okay. Gillian Jacobs is easy on the eyes. That said, the rest of the show is just plain stupid. Set on a community college run by a cartoon-like dean, there is a politically correct group of losers comprising a Spanish study group formed by a film-flam disbarred lawyer whose sole goal in life is to score with the lovely albeit icy Ms. Jacobs. Chevy Chase, whom I haven't yet forgiven for 1997's "Vegas Vacation", plays a moronic, clueless-faced, senior citizen turned student. It only gets worse, as Joel McHale's character gives new meaning to 'sleeze' and has the warmth of a frozen rattlesnake. It's not that I don't like off-the-wall comedies, as "Scrubs", "Arrested Development" and "The Office" are among my all-time favorites. It's just that I do not find stupidity very funny. I must confess to a triple digit IQ, so "Community" will in all likelihood be a smash hit. I mean if "Parks and Recreation" can make it to a second season while "Arrested Development" gets canceled, anything is possible today's idiocracy.

Iron Man (2008)

Finally Something to Rave About

[10/10 · 17 June 2008]

I was very skeptical when I purchased my 'senior' discount ticket. I mean, Robert Downey, Jr. as an action hero? Was this going to be another two hours of special effects and endless explosions, fights and chases? Much to my delight I found a well acted, directed, edited and written film. "Iron Man" is by far the best movie I've seen in at least two years. It had everything. A story line! An absolutely stunning Gwyneth Paltrow. An Jeff Bridges without his trademark mane of long, greasy, dirty hair. I'll say a little prayer that Downey stays off the booze and drugs as the clever ending surely implies sequels. Bravo to the whole crew for a rare cinema surprise.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Raiders of the Last Buck......

[3/10 · 16 June 2008]

*** This comment may contain spoilers *** With senior tickets approaching ten dollars, how could Steven and George do this to their aging fan base? I suggest a retitling as "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the NUMB Skull". I mean, really, do Spielburg and Lucas have large gambling debts to pay off? IRS problems? Why else would they drag our hero Indiana Jones out of retirement and slop together such a concoction of special effects and overlong, senseless fight and chase scenes? I haven't been this disappointed since "Ocean's Twelve" scriptless travesty of a film. However, not to be called the consummate naysayer, there is some good news to go with the bad news. Good news - Harrison Ford was NOT too old for the role. Just too stupid in taking the part. Good news - The incomparable Cate Blanchett. Too bad her contrived Russian accent sounded more like Natasha of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame. Good news - 57 year old Karen Allen's character of Marion Ravenwood looked pretty good after a 27 year hiatus. Unfortunately, Spielburg preferred goofiness over feistiness. Good news - Shia LaBeouf as Indy, Jr. Too bad he had little to work with. From the senseless slaughter and atomic bombing in the opening scenes to the "gag me" wedding ending, I was confused, bored, and disappointed. The hundreds of other reviews of this film pretty well describe just how horrible it was, so I'll not be repetitious. Suffice to say that Speilburg and Lucas are off my "must see" list, and WalMart CDs, cheaper than two tickets, will replace my theater going habits.

Charlie Wilson's War (2007)

Another Holiday Disappointment

[5/10 · 1 January 2008]

I should have listened to the Ghost of Christmases Past and not gotten too excited about a highly advertised holiday blockbuster starring three Academy Award winners. As a native-born Texan I was again forced to cringe at horrible accents and the portrayal of the people of the Lone Star state as drunken, overbearing fools. I must however applaud the makeup crew for their work on the dapper Tom Hanks, a coke snorting congressman from Lufkin, Texas; a stunning Julia Roberts as the big-haired Houston political activist; and, Philip Seymour Hoffman, the sleazy CIA operative. The acting was decent but the often choppy flow of the film made me think that I was watching the History Channel's version of Charlie Wilson's War. Ned Beatty's brilliant appearances as congressional committee chairman Doc Long was a breath of life in an otherwise uneasy, boring mediocre film.

Dreamgirls (2006)

Eddie Murphy Sings!!!!!

[23 January 2007]

As a "baby boomer" and fan of the "Supremes", how could I not like a movie not-so-loosely based on the fantastic trio from the 60s. The "Motown-type" soundtrack was great, as was the casting and acting, especially Eddie Murphy who put his "grinning Cheshire cat" acting style on hold long enough to portray a very believable "James Brown-type" character. He richly deserved his Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination. Newcomer and Golden Globe winner Jennifer Hudson can really wail in the R&B style of Aretha Franklin, and the make-up artists actually had her more attractive at the beginning of the film than co-star Beyonce. Ahhh. Beyonce. Absolutely one of the most breathtakingly beautiful women that I've ever seen...and she can sing and act. The only negative comment that I can make about this otherwise superb film is the editing. When the semi-documentary turned into a semi-musical with the actors singing their lines, many of the scenes with both Hudson and Beyonce went much too long and way too loud, as these ladies of superior lungs literally blew out my eardrums with prolonged singing/screaming, literally forcing me to stick my fingers in my ears to protect my hearing. But other than this slight inconvenience, the movie is a solid 9, and most will agree that it should have gotten the Best Picture nod along with its eight other Oscar nominations.

Casino Royale (2006)

Double Oh No!!!

[4/10 · 25 November 2006]

I saw my first James Bond movie as a young teenager during the height of the Cold War, and have been a big fan ever since. Ian Fleming's main character launched an American spy craze that included everything from the sitcom "Get Smart" to "007" cologne. Bond was incredibly handsome, with a dashing British charm that women wanted and men wanted to be like. Sure, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan grew a tad long of tooth and made a film or two more than they should have, but under what rock did they find Daniel Craig? My yardman would look better in a tuxedo, and, could probably act better. Craig reminded me of the school bully who grew up to work as a collection specialist for a loan shark. "Casino Royale" did have some moments of great photography, and Eva Green was breathtaking to behold. But constant fights and chase scenes than ran way too long were constantly interrupted by a most confusing story line. And the ending where Vesper locks herself in an underwater elevator cage to drown was just plain stupid. You would have thought that during one of their many romps, that she'd come to believe that James Bond could save her and her kidnapped boyfriend. I was totally disappointed in the latest in a long line of great films, and sorely missed Q's gadgetry and the dashing womanizing hero of old.

The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

Thank God for Extended Cable TV

[2/10 · 9 September 2006]

I really don't want to know, or even be in the same room with those reviewers that gave this film a favorable rating. I also thank my Maker that I didn't stand in line and pay money to see this absolute disaster of a film. As a proud and bias native of the Lone Star State, I will not attack the breathtakingly beautiful Jessica Simpson from Abilene, Texas, nor the legendary singer Willie Nelson from Abbott, Texas, other than to say that acting is neither of their fortes. But what moron cast Seann William Scott from Minnesota as good ol' Georgia boy Bo Duke? All I could see was the smirking and annoying Steve Stifler from the "American Pie" trilogy. At least the bland Johnny Knoxville (born Phillip John Clapp) claims to be from Tennessee. I was never a huge fan of the television series, but did watch it occasionally in the pre-cable TV days because of it's favorable time slot. Whoever cast this alleged re-make must have had his or her brain scrambled by some of that Hazzard County moonshine. I mean, having "Plastic Surgery Magazine" cover-boy Burt Reynolds attempt to reprise the role of the late Sorrell Booke as Boss Hogg is a clear sign of serious cerebral atrophy. Oh well, fortunately for me, my remote control was nearby and I was able to switch to the more entertaining "Weather Channel" before this, to quote another reviewer ,"crap", cause me permanent brain damage.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

Mindless and Plot less

[5/10 · 29 July 2006]

Like the "Return of the Jedi", "Dead Man's Chest" picks up a story in the middle of nowhere, and stays there. Criminal charges should be brought against the persons responsible for such a tremendous waste of a talented cast. This film was so confusing that I couldn't keep up with who was on whose side, and which side I should be rooting for. Even the seemingly endless and meaningless sword fights and battles added little to the sheer dull and boring segments of "Pirates" II. I seriously considered walking out after about an hour, but I did not want to disturb my wife, who was sound asleep next to me. Sure, Keira Knightly is easy on the eyes, and only became more beautiful as the film dragged on and she was subjected to more and more abuse, but who really has two and half hours to spare watching strange and slimy fish-man creatures run around. "Pirates" II seemed little more than a greed-ridden sequel, or, the worlds longest preview for "Pirates" III. I hope that my boycott of all future "Pirate" movies doesn't bankrupt the studio.

Failure to Launch (2006)

A Tragedy of a Comedy

[2/10 · 8 July 2006]

Just plain terrible is all that I can say about this ill-scripted, ill-directed, ill-edited and ill-acted train wreck of a film. I've always liked Sarah Jessica Parker, but folks, the woman is 41 years old, and teaming her with a 37 year old set of grinning abs can only have tragic results. More tragic was when the film tried to morph into a drama and carry some enigmatic message to the audience. Then we have the Addams Family-type weird Zooey Deschanel starring in a 'movie-within-a-movie' about a mockingbird hating loser. Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw were cute as desperate and deceptive parents, but the no-talent Matthew McConaughey needs to go back to Austin, Texas and play bongos naked. Failure to Launch = Dud.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Revenge is right...

[6/10 · 14 June 2005]

Thirty minutes of storyline and decent acting interrupted by 110 minutes of mindless battles and light saber duels. I was a young adult when I became addicted to "Star Wars", but now, firmly implanted in middle-age and fortunate enough to get 'senior' discounts, the last of George Lucas' double trilogy was simply an overwhelming special effects display. The fights just seemed to go on far too long to make any semblance of a point, and became tiresome. I am appreciative that Mr. Lucas tied the whole "Star Wars" story together, and that the stupid-looking, long-eared creature that ruined "Star Wars I" had only a walk-on role. As a whole, Chapters IV though VI were a clear "10", Chapters I through III, a mere "6". I have a sneaking suspicion that a re-re-release of the original three are just around the light saber.

NCIS (2003– )

The sniper is a bad shot....

[28 May 2005]

********WARNING....POTENTIAL SEASON ENDING SPOILER******************** I watch this series regularly but I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the time slot. I had grown weary of the "cheerleader vs. fraternity boy" banter and sexual undertones between Kate and Tony. I'm sure the assassin was aiming for Tony and Kate got in the way. Tony, the toothy and almost constant sexual harasser, may be a draw for teenage viewers, but his presence on a supposed elite Navy investigation team makes about as much sense as that of a half-loony doctor and a tattooed weirdo lab tech. I was also shocked when I discovered that the sour and dour Jethro was only a Marine gunnery sergeant. With his grumpy demeanor and inflated ego, he would have to have been at least a two-star admiral.Kate and the 'newby' were the only semi-normal people on the show, and I'm sorry to see Kate go. Perhaps her replacement will smash Tony in his perfect teeth at the first sign of harassment.

UPDATE, UPDATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As fate would have it, I wrote the above review exactly five years ago today!! I am still watching this show, and now I know why. The story lines. Jethro is still a bit dour and Tony is the same sexual harasser, but the tattooed Goth Abbie has been toned way, way down. The addition of the sexy Israeli agent Ziva probably saved the show and the URST (unresolved sexual tension) between her and Tony simmers as Jethro keeps the world a safe place to live. The replacement of Lauren Holly with Rocky Carroll as the Director made the whole show more believable.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

Unless you wear a backpack, stay home

[2/10 · 5 May 2005]

Important Lesson #649. If you are buying a "senior-priced" ticket, don't trust the comments of a teenage ticket seller. You would think that an alleged comedy that starts out with the senseless destruction of Earth, can only improve. You would be wrong. In all fairness to anyone reading this review, I walked out with about 40 minutes left in the show. So, perhaps a plot developed, or some characters were developed after I left. But the 70 minutes that I endured left me yawing, and looking to identify with a character. The delightful Mos Def won the prize, but unfortunately had far too little screen time. As I exited the theater, a comatose Martin Freeman was still in his bathrobe, and the conniving 'party girl' Zooey Deschanel still undecided as to who she would end up with. Sam Rockwell was beyond obnoxious and the droning voice of Alan Rickman had lulled me to sleep. Even the Earth-murdering aliens were dull. Perhaps the movie all came together after I left, but I will never know, nor do I really care. Definitely not for post-Clearasil fans.

Meet the Fockers (2004)

De Niro + Hoffman + Streisand = Migraine

[4/10 · 9 January 2005]

Having just been disappointed with the sequel "Ocean's 12", and, surviving another holiday season with family, two hours of 'Focking' bickering, arguing and angst had my head aching and stomach in knots. De Niro's despotic role as an ex-CIA agent was void of humor, and made me wonder who would entrust a darling child, Little Jack, into the care of this psycho. Streisand's in-your-face sex therapist, while cute at first, wore thin rapidly. Hoffman looked great, and had a couple of cute scenes, but like his on-screen wife, he too made me weary. Danner seemed intoxicated throughout the mess of a movie, and what was director Jay Roach thinking when he left in the scenes with the truth serum and the sub-plot about the illegitimate son? Stupid, degrading and not funny. Stiller, the butt of attack from the entire cast, including Little Jack, was able to project his stress and anguish directly to my digestive tract. With apologies to the rubes who audibly gasped when the baby picked up a container of glue, and roared whenever someone fell down, I give this movie a solid 4 out of 10.

Ocean's Twelve (2004)

Ocean's 10 1/16

[5/10 · 1 January 2005]

Did the all-star cast merely e-mail in their performances, or did they just co-incidentally turn up at a party together in Europe and decide to hire a cameraman to record the "who-could-be-the-coolest contest"? Except for the breathtaking beauty of Zeta-Jones and the all too rare screen appearances of the wonderful Andy Garcia, the remaining mish-mash was dull, boring and seemingly filmed in slow-motion. Matt Damon did attempt to act, but the rest of the cast seemed to be sleep-walking. "Ocean's 12" lacked the passion and humor of "11", and was so poorly edited that one could barely follow what little story line there was. Sorry George and Brad, your feeble attempt doesn't merit more than a 5 out of 10, or 10 1/16. Besides, who could ever be as cool as Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack in the original?

Paycheck (2003)

Enjoyable scavenger hunt

[15 August 2004]

After reading many of the thesaurus-clutching critics vitriolic literary masterpieces, I have one comment for them....get a life!! I watched, and enjoyed "Paycheck" on pay-per-view, as I was tired of paying $9 a head to see critically acclaimed horse manure. So what if the acting wasn't Sir Laurence Olivier? Get over it!! Besides, I could never stay awake more than a few minutes of Sir Larry. And for all the anal-retentive nitpickers who were horrified by a few plot flaws, there is a remedy, get off the couch, turn off the television and computer, and get some sunshine and fresh air. "Paycheck" was light, fast paced, and kept one on one's toes. The movie was exactly what John Woo intended, so I urge everyone to lighten up on his vilification. My only complaint is that there was not enough of the lovely Uma Thurman, and I question where they found all those bad guys who were such bad marksmen? This film is no "Citizen Kane", besides, I have yet to get through that one in its entirety. I score "Paycheck" 8/10.

Cold Mountain (2003)

If you took cyanide during "The English Patient" bring a gun...

[3 January 2004]

With no apologies to my more artsy brethern, I deeply regret the loss of almost three hours of my life. My wife deceived me. She claimed "Cold Mountain" as one of the best books she's ever read. It didn't sound good to me, but she did say that it was about the Civil War, an interest to me. So, there I sat. And sat. And sat. My bride of almost 30 years knowingly neglected to tell me that this was by the same guy that brought us The English Patient!!! (Remember the Seinfeld episode? Elaine and I were meant for each other) I asked her how she could have done this to me. She knows that I don't want my heart warmed or broken, nor my tears jerked. This rambling and seemingly endless and pointless film, was just awful. The only saving factor was, as I contemplated methods of suicide, Renee Z. had a scene, which she abruptly and shamelessly stole. Jude and Nicole were likeable, but boring. Guys, let your ladies see this one while you sneak next door at the Cineplex and see Stuck on You, or Captains and Commanders...trust me, your mental health is worth it.

The In-Laws (I) (2003)

8 bucks down the drain

[2/10 · 6 June 2003]

Not the worst movie I ever saw....well...maybe. The only thing that could have made this show any more painful would be to have had Al Pacino in the overacted Michael Douglas role and having to endure that raspy voice for two hours...I mean really!! Douglas and Albert Brooks on a jet ski??? Unbelievably bad. Police Academy meets Weekend at Bernie's. None of the characters were likeable, except liking to hate the scene stealing Candice Bergan. Just imagine the villain being openly gay and swishing, the good-guys a band of inept Keystone Kop FBI agents, Brooks whining constantly while Douglas acted the ham, add in a convoluted plot, and what do you have???...me, wanting my eight dollars back about 7 minutes into this tragedy. Now I know why the cute double agent lady was never heard from after her fall off of a motor boat...she held her breath and swam to Egypt.

Black Knight (2001)

Jive Turkey

[3/10 · 21 April 2003]

What a shame!! Costumes and scenery to rival 'Shakespere in Love' and a leading man right out of 'Jackass the Movie' Over-acted, over-mugged and over-jived Martin Lawrence single-handedly destroyed an otherwise competent supporting cast and story line. Perhaps only Jim Carey could have been more unlikeable and obnoxious. Time travel can almost always present a viable and enjoyable theme, but a modicum of restraint was needed on the constant barrage of Lawrence's 'cock-eyed' L.A. street jive, which got old in a hurry. Except for the dance lesson, the Black Knight would have been better portrayed by Mike Myers or David Spade, but then again the title of the movie would need to be changed to something like Loser Knight.