Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Me² (1988)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lister : It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Easy-To-Live-With.

  Rimmer : What are you talking about?

  Lister : I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep." "Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep."

  Rimmer : Oh come on, we both got the same benefit.

  Lister : Yeah. Neither of us got any sleep.

• Rimmer : Everything you ever did, you did to pull me back and annoy me.

  Lister : Like what?

  Rimmer : Like using my Mother's photograph as an ashtray.

  Lister : I didn't know. I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

  Rimmer : Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my engineering finals I went swimming.

  Lister : The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place.

  Rimmer : Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.

  Lister : That was a joke.

  Rimmer : Yes, Lister. The same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental Pile Surgery.

• Lister : What about the time you tied my hair to the bed-post and then sounded the fire alarm?

  Rimmer : Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it.

  Lister : I nearly needed brain surgery.

  Rimmer : What brains?

• [on the two fighters tracking Red Dwarf] 

  Holly : They're from Earth.

  Lister : That's 3 million years away.

  Holly : They're from the Norweb Federation.

  Lister : What's that?

  Holly : The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave.

  Lister : Me? Why? What for?

  Holly : For your crimes against humanity.

  Lister : You what?

  Holly : It seems when you left Earth, 3 million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for 3 million years?

  Lister : Yeah, they go mouldy.

  Holly : Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eights of the Earth's surface. Also, you left £17.50 in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it for 3 million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb.

  Lister : Why Norweb?

  Holly : You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for £180 billion.

  Lister : £180 billion? You're kidding?

  Holly : [wearing a silly face mask]  April fool.

• Lister : [recited like Eeny meeny miny moe to choose which Rimmer]  Ippy dippy my space shippy / on a course so true / past Neptune and Pluto's moon / the one I choose it you.

• Holly : [reading Rimmer's "memorial" to himself]  BSc, SSc. What's that?

  Lister : Bronze swimming certificate and silver swimming certificate. He's a total lunatic!

• Lister : Caaaat... what are you doing?

  The Cat : I'm courting.

  Lister : ...Courting who?

  The Cat : Whoever shows up!

  Lister : I've told you before, there's no other cats on board.

  The Cat : If I believed that for one minute I'd go crazy!

• Lister : [observing the skutters]  Why are they painting the corridor the same colour it was before?

  Rimmer : They're changing it from ocean grey to military grey - something that should have been done a long time ago.