Clueless (TV Series)
To Party or Not to Party (1996)
Rachel Blanchard: Cher Horowitz
Photos
Quotes
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Olivia Crawford : [drama teacher to newcomer in class] Cher, do you have any theatrical experience?
Cher Horowitz : Well, I saw Cats three times.
Olivia Crawford : No, darling, have you done any stage acting?
Cher Horowitz : Oh, I was Glinda in Wizard of Oz once.
Olivia Crawford : Oh, and when were you in this production?
Cher Horowitz : Uhm, in Girl Scouts.
[derisive laughter]
Olivia Crawford : People, please, even Kenneth Branagh had to start somewhere.
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Olivia Crawford : [in drama class] And, Donal, do you have any acting experience?
Donal Miller : Well, uh, I was a Guy in Guys and Dolls on Broadway last year, and, uh... I was a guest star on Fresh Prince.
Amber Mariens : I saw that episode!
[gushing:]
Amber Mariens : You were so brilliant as the valet parker!
Olivia Crawford : Very impressive, Donal.
Cher Horowitz : [thinks] Oh no, I was watching House of Style that night.
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Cher Horowitz : [skipping towards him as he comes home from work] Hi, Daddy.
Mel Horowitz : Hi, sweetheart.
Cher Horowitz : Your secretary called. She said that you're supposed to meet Mr. Henderson at the deli at 8 AM. Oh, and I wrote a thank-you note to the city councilman for that tall, weird plant he sent over. I hope you don't mind, but I gushingly refer to it as the Elle Macpherson of shrubs.
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Olivia Crawford : [as Cher mimes] Let me guess. You found an object from a loved one had fallen onto the floor and shattered into a million pieces never to be replaced.
Cher Horowitz : No.
Donal Miller : You... you saw, like, ah, a bird fall from a tree, and... it was half alive, and you ran to save it, but... it died in your hand.
Cher Horowitz : [touched] Uhm, no.
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I know. You're really upset because your dog chewed your brand-new Manolo Blahnik pumps.
Cher Horowitz : That's right! You see, we had this dog, but he kept destroying everything, so eventually we had to give him to a dude ranch.
Olivia Crawford : Oh, that must have been very emotional for you.
Cher Horowitz : [sadly] Mm, it was. I lost a lot of good shoes.
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Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [walking along at school] How should we do our audition?
Cher Horowitz : Well, every good movie review says that the actor was riveting.
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Riveting? How do you rivet?
Cher Horowitz : I don't know, but... I think it means you have to be, you know, hypnotic.
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [Murray and another actor friend passes their way] Oh. Hi.
Murray : Hi. Oh, you guys doing Hamlet, huh?
[quoting:]
Murray : Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt...
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Are you calling me fat?
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Olivia Crawford : Now, girls, what were we doing a scene from?
Cher Horowitz : We selected a scene from House of Style. I'm Amber Valletta.
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : And I'm Shalom.
[exaggerated slinky movements]
Cher Horowitz : [fake microphone] Blue eye-shadow. Is it here to stay, or just the latest trend?
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : This year's newest color is
[exaggerated accent:]
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : bluh!
[breathless:]
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Sparkling, frosted and matt!
Cher Horowitz : But is this trashy chic retro trend merely this year's go-go boot?
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Perhaps. So, enjoy it, girls, while it lasts!
[their skit goes over teacher's head, however]
Cher Horowitz : [doesn't latch on] I think we really riveted!
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Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I don't believe it. I'm a handmaiden.
Cher Horowitz : Are you serious? Oh, I'm nauseous for you.
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Well, you're a handmaiden too.
Cher Horowitz : [scoffs] I am?
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : What's a handmaiden?
Amber Mariens : It means that you wait on me, and do my bidding.
Cher Horowitz : You mean I'm a maid?
[to Donal walking up:]
Cher Horowitz : Did you get a bad part too?
Donal Miller : No... I'm Hamlet.
Cher Horowitz : Oh, congratulations, because you totally deserve it.
Donal Miller : Oh, thanks. Listen, uh, some of the other actors are going to this poetry rave Friday night over at Molten Java. It's gonna start around 11:30. You wanna go?
Amber Mariens : [interjecting] I've heard it's way Bohemian. I'd love to go.
Cher Horowitz : [thinking worriedly] 11:30? But my curfew is midnight.
Donal Miller : So, ah, are you gonna go?
Cher Horowitz : [voiceover] I was totally Hamlet-y. To go, or not to go. Whether it was nobler to keep my curfew, or just better to hang with yon bodacious Baldwin. Me thinks me doth must go. I don't even know what I'm talking about. All I know is that I love him.
[to Donal:]
Cher Horowitz : Yeah, it sounds great.
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Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Hello, shouldn't you be snoozing in your Dr. Dentons by midnight on Friday? Your Dad is going to kill you!
Cher Horowitz : I know! But how could I say no? I am totally in love with him now. Plus Amber is gonna be there. I have to go. Maybe, if I borrowed an hour from next week, then I could stay out later this Friday.
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Why don't you just impress him with your acting?
Cher Horowitz : How would that get me home earlier?
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Cher, don't you get it? A DiCaprio like Donal would be way more impressed with the colors of your acting palette than whether you are at the party or not.
Cher Horowitz : You think so?
Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Seriously.
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Cher Horowitz : [voiceover, as she "does penance" in her bedroom reading a magazine] I didn't go to the cast party since I was grounded for my curfew faux pas. But I got to thinking. It's funny how, like, deep reading can be like real life. Like Hamlet was all "I'm so betrayed and bummy" and even though Donal betrayed me, betraying Daddy's trust felt way worse. And maybe it was even my fault for thinking that Donal was so cool that it was worth it.
[spots fashion shoot in magazine]
Cher Horowitz : Ooh, hip-huggers and a midriff top! Oh, a 1-800 number!
[dialing on her cellphone]
Cher Horowitz : Like I was saying, the classics are always inspirational.