White Fire (1984)
6/10
Brotherly love and facial hair.
19 August 2020
The plot for White Fire is utterly atrocious, the direction stinks, and the acting is diabolical, and yet there's still quite a bit of fun to be had with this goofy '80s action film starring straight-to-video tough-guy Robert Ginty.

The film opens with a family trying to escape from Russia. The mother is shot and the father incinerated by flamethrower, but the two kids, Bo and Ingrid, are helped by a friendly smuggler called Sam (Jess Hahn), who raises them and teaches them the art of thievery. Twenty years later, and Sam, Bo (Ginty) and Ingrid (Belinda Mayne) are working a racket at a Turkish diamond mine (regulation uniform: red or blue jumpsuit with black and gold accessories), but other parties also want in on the action, especially when the world's biggest diamond, the White Fire, is discovered in one of the old tunnels (although I'm not sure what they intend to do with a highly radioactive diamond that burns anyone who touches it).

So far so mediocre, but the film gets more interesting once a group of Italian criminals led by Sophia (played by the beautiful but not very talented Mirella Banti) enter the picture and try to relieve Bo and Ingrid of their latest haul of gems: a fight breaks out that sees Bo stabbing two men with a knife and picking up a handy chainsaw to slice one guy in the leg and another in the stomach; meanwhile, Ingrid impales a guy with a boat-hook. Our hero and heroine aren't averse to killing when necessary, providing the film with cheapo gore galore, the action accompanied by a really naff theme song: great stuff!

Shortly after, the White Fire is discovered in an abandoned part of the mine, and one-time peplum star Gordon Mitchell (modelling the red jumpsuit) uses a pickaxe to kill the man who found it. Mitchell's acting might even be worse than Banti's.

That evening, Bo is chatting to Sam, who is preparing food while Ingrid takes a naked swim in the pool. When dinner is served, Bo goes to find Ingrid, which is when we get the film's most memorable scene - unforgettable for all the wrong reasons. Ingrid is showering naked when Bo surprises her by shaking the leaves of a bush. And talking of bush, Bo makes sure he gets a good look at his sister's by whipping off her towel. As if that wasn't creepy enough, he makes sleazy remarks such as 'You sure don't look like anybody's kid sister any more, do you?' and 'You know, it's a pity you're my sister'. Yes, our hero has an incestuous yearning for his sibling (admittedly, she's got a rocking body, but even so...).

Instead of dropping the dodgy incest angle, the film pursues it further after Ingrid is murdered by bad guys (no, Bo doesn't turn to necrophilia, but what follows is still quite perverted). While drowning his sorrows at a bar, Bo meets a woman named Olga (Diana Goodman) who bears a passing resemblance to his dead sister. When Sam meets the woman, he hatches a plot to steal the White Fire that involves Olga getting plastic surgery to make her look even more like Ingrid. Olga agrees to the operation - she is being hunted by a ruthless criminal called Noah (Fred Williamson), so this is the perfect answer to her problem - and emerges as Ingrid's doppelganger (played by Mayne again), after which she and Bo develop a romantic relationship. Looks like Bo will get to boff his 'sister' after all!

The film's finalé sees everyone converging at the diamond mine for a chaotic gun battle featuring plenty of bloody squibs, explosions, and some injurious stunts (one guy catching fire during an explosion didn't look planned to me). To ensure that his audience is left totally non-plussed, director Jean-Marie Pallardy has the White Fire spontaneously explode, meaning that no-one gets the prize. Well, no-one except for Bo, who walks into the sunset with Olga/Ingrid, no doubt planning to satisfy his incestuous urges.

While White Fire is unlikely to appeal to the average movie fan, those who enjoy trash cinema should find the film's clumsy storytelling and more exploitative elements quite entertaining. Oh, and anyone with a moustache fetish will be in heaven: both Ginty and Williamson sport impressive 'taches, as do most of the male extras. 5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for Ginty's lilac scarf - quite a bold choice for an '80s action hero.
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