Review of Scorpion

Scorpion (2014–2018)
1/10
This show operates in it's own reality. That's not a good thing.
23 September 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Just watched the pilot of /Scorpion.

If you're thinking of doing the same, don't. I beg you, don't.

I'll just start with the plot:

*Four or five "Geniuses" with personality disorders (you can't be smart and well-adjusted, duh!) are recruited by the government to solve an impossible problem: LAX air traffic control software has crashed.

I call this an impossible problem not because it's tough to solve, but because it's impossible for this to be a problem. Air Traffic Control software *does* crash, and there are procedures, including manually-operated light signals, in place at every major airport around the world to handle situations exactly like these.

Oh, well, why don't they just patch the software? Because the company that made the software went out of business twenty years ago. (Yet somehow they just released an auto-update? And they didn't provide the source code to such critical infrastructure software in a software escrow deal, as is standard industry practice for infrastructure applications?) So, they have to get a copy of the old software from a backup.

Oh no! It's about to backup again! Our intrepid team has only five minutes to get into the backup datacenter to pull the hard drive!...Because nobody has ever heard of differential backups. They literally only have one backup of this critical software, and they write over the same tape every day. Again, any IT professional should be pulling out their hair at this -- this is a textbook example of what DOESN'T EVER HAPPEN because only someone as stupid as a /scorpion writer hasn't considered the possibility of a backup failure.

So, half the team heads to the datacenter to retrieve the backup hard drive before LAX -- which is completely dark, and doesn't have communication with any systems -- somehow uploads it's software backup and overwrites the 'good' version of the software. Yes, they're blacked out from communications, but still have a link to their off-site- backup center. And they can't pull software from it, they can only send. And they can't just unplug the line to the datacenter, they have to go and rip out the hard drive.

*Sigh*

Still with me? It actually gets worse.

So, a car audio speaker that's in the car being used to transport the hard drive -- physically -- back to LAX managed to wipe the hard drive, because magnets. Possible? Yes. Plausible? Not unless you decide to store the hard drive on top of your subwoofers, instead of, oh, I don't know, maybe your LAP?

So, our team is screwed. But wait! There's another chance! If they can get one of these 777's to fly low enough, they can wirelessly ( I thought that was broken?) transmit the software on the plane to ground control. This plane flew from a different time zone! It still has the old software!

...

Yes. We're supposed to believe that planes carry the same software that LAX uses for Air Traffic Control, and that it's small enough to be transmitted in a fly-by. Oh, wait, that doesn't work, because of the "Speed differential" of about ~200mph. Those are some slow freaking radio waves, that's all I'm saying.

The obvious solution? Hotwire a random Ferrari 458 sitting on the tarmac. Blow the roof in dramatic fashion. Get the Ferrari up to 200+ mph on a 4000-foot runway. (For reference, the 458's reported top speed is 201mph. It takes a lot more than 4000 feet, though.)

But that's not all! The 777's pilot must descend to 8 feet off the runway, and rather than land, download the software, and sort everything out, they decide that the best course of action is to send the co-pilot down into the wheel well, open the well at 200+ mph, and THROW A FREAKING ETHERNET CABLE INTO THE FERRARI.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I couldn't finish it. I had to turn it off. (This was the climax, so I only missed the ending. Frankly, I feel I was generous.)

This is a show for dumb people. It is a show for dumb people to feel good about themselves because all the "smart people" in the show have weird personality disorders, and say things that dumb people think smart people actually say. It's a show for people so completely devoid of rational thought that they can look at this show and not see the swiss-cheese style plot holes.

I wanted to like this show. In 100 words, the premise sounds good. In production, it's so bad that it's actually offensive. It's like the writers are deliberately trying to make the show this bad. The acting was as good as can be expected. The action was very action-y. But there was no rational or logical explanation for the bullshit in the script that the writers are trying to pass off as a television show. A fourteen-year-old could write a better show than this.
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