- Steve-O: [about to get hit in the crotch in Tee Ball] I'm Steve-O... Oh fuck! Why do I have to be Steve-O?
- Johnny Knoxville: [to Steve-O] You have really irrational fears. Oh I'll go swimming with sharks, put the hook through my cheek, I don't care, but I'm not going bungee diving!
- Jeff Tremaine: Quickly review, what's your job?
- Jared Allen: MURDER KNOXVILLE'S FACE.
- Jeff Tremaine: What's your job?
- Johnny Knoxville: ...Catch the ball?
- Steve-O: How many bee stings do you think we can take?
- Manny Puig: I think it takes about a hundred to kill a man.
- Dave England: What?
- Steve-O: There's 50,000 bees in there.
- [laughs]
- Dave England: Did you just make that up, please?
- Manny Puig: I don't think I made it up.
- Dave England: 50,000 and it takes a hundred to kill a man?
- Manny Puig: I think it's about a hundred bees can kill you. If I'm not mistaken.
- Dave England: What are we doing here?
- Crew Member: Making a hit movie.
- Jeff Tremaine: Go for 99 and then take off.
- Chris Pontius: [after getting stung by a scorpion] I'm fuckin' pissed!
- Bam Margera: What'd you think was gonna happen?
- Crew Member: You think Knoxville's gonna catch the ball?
- Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: Nope.
- Bam Margera: Nooo.
- Ryan Dunn: Who gives a shit?
- Johnny Knoxville: [after Bam urinates in front of a high-powered wind tunnel] That's the story of Jackass right there! Just pissing in the wind!
- [laughs hysterically]
- Phil Margera: I had to take a mean shit.
- Bam Margera: There's a gorilla.
- Phil Margera: I know. I had to take a mean shit. It was coming out. Hear it? It's all juicy. I had to do it.
- Bam Margera: Phil, you are mingin'.
- Phil Margera: I know. I had to.
- Johnny Knoxville: [Steve-O just puked after biting an apple that was in Preston's Buttocks] You don't like apple and Peanut butter?
- Steve-O: [laughing] The thing is that Dave doesn't understand is that the more you freak out, the more you get stung! Idiot!
- Johnny Knoxville: [as Steve-O is about to drink sweat extracted from Preston] So I guess the idea is for the sweat to dribble down into the funnel into the cup? I mean that's rinky-dink even for us.
- Chris Pontius: I mean that had it all. That had danger. It had shit. It had puke. That's what this show's all about.
- Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: [as a portable toilet explodes and covers Dunn with blue sludge] No fucking way!
- Johnny Knoxville: I am so happy right now.
- Ryan Dunn: Dude, that thing *goes*.
- Bam Margera: I changed my mind. Stun guns are the number one most thing that I hate now. Bulls are second. Snakes are third. That sucked.
- Rakeyohn: [as Dunn is about to super glue his ass to Phil's back] Dunn, do you shave your ass?
- Ryan Dunn: "Do I shave my ass?", look at me! I don't know what a razor feels like.
- Johnny Knoxville: Well apparently, you don't know what toilet paper feels like either.
- Ryan Dunn: I don't!
- Johnny Knoxville: [On Steve-O about to be launched into the air in a Porta-Potty filled with excrement] Now you're taking the reins and taking it to a whole 'nother level.
- Steve-O: [Unexcitedly] Yep.
- Johnny Knoxville: You look pretty happy about it.
- Johnny Knoxville: [after pulling a string off Chris's Penis with a helicopter] So much for my aviation career.
- Chris Pontius: So much for my love life.
- Steve-O: [Before downing a cup full of sweat extracted from Preston's crotch and buttocks] Here's to good health.
- Chris Pontius: [as Wil is about to play a trumpet from his butt] We're bringing jazz back to the working man!
- Johnny Knoxville: We're gonna play a game called "prison warden and escaped convict", and I'm pretty sure something sucky is gonna happen when I push this handle - so we have two options - I could put on Steve-O's rap album
- [everyone laughs]
- Johnny Knoxville: or I could push the handle.
- [everyone chooses the "push the handle" option, Steve-O laughs]
- Chris Pontius: Not too many people knew us in our college days but we were wild, we were having wet t-shirts, bitchin' summers, doing body shots,
- [scoffs]
- Chris Pontius: Cornholing, and Johnny Knoxville, the king of spring break!
- Johnny Knoxville: [after getting hit by a buffalo] It felt like shit! It felt like I just got run over by a buffalo!
- Steve-O: Most people don't like the idea of being covered in dog shit, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as like bungee diving and roller coasters. I just cant do that shit. That's why this is gonna be fantastic.
- Johnny Knoxville: Due to prison overpopulation, we're gonna give these boys a chance to escape. This side represents incarceration, that side freedom. This is Electric Avenue. Each of these stun guns has 950,000 volts. There's 15 of them hanging here plus four cattle prods. Good luck fellas!
- Ryan Dunn: That felt like it was blowing a fire ball in my face.
- Johnny Knoxville: That looked like you were just getting the hell beat out of you!
- Johnny Knoxville: Good game!
- Jared Allen: Good game!
- Johnny Knoxville: See you in the shower.
- Jared Allen: See you in the shower.
- Johnny Knoxville: [thinks about it] Oh fuck!
- Johnny Knoxville: Hey Jared, try not to hit me with your purse this time!
- Jared Allen: Nice wristbands, DOUCHE!
- Preston Lacy: [approaching a random pedestrian] Hey buddy, would you mind watching my dog for a second while I run right in there? Thanks man, I'll be right back.
- Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: [he goes into the store and disappears, Wee Man exits wearing the same clothes] Thanks bud, thank you very much for watching my dog.
- Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: How's Santa doing?
- Johnny Knoxville: [climbing tall tree, dressed as Santa] Santa's fucking tired.
- Johnny Knoxville: [dressed as Santa Claus] Santa did have a few drinks last night, so this ain't gonna feel too good.
- Johnny Knoxville: [after gluing Wee-Man to Preston] 2 minutes.
- Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: 2 minutes is the longest 69 I've ever fucking done!
- Bam Margera: [one of Bam's hands is glued to Preston, the other to Phil] I kind of like it when Preston says...
- Preston Lacy: OW! Fuck!
- Ryan Dunn: Wait - what do you like Preston to say?
- Preston Lacy: GRRRRRRRRRRRR! OW!
- Johnny Knoxville: Get a little symphony going.
- Preston Lacy: OW!
- [pulls again]
- Preston Lacy: GRR!
- Phil Margera: [mumbles incoherently] OW!
- Preston Lacy: OW!
- Preston Lacy: Fast!
- Phil Margera: OW!
- Johnny Knoxville: I think that's it for super mighty glue.
- Rakeyohn: Thank god none of us had that foreskin you were talking about.
- Johnny Knoxville: Does anyone have foreskin?
- Ryan Dunn: Anybody. Now's the time to raise your hand.
- Johnny Knoxville: [Steve-O is about to down a cup full of Preston's sweat] That makes me want to puke!
- Jared Allen: [after tackling Johnny Knoxville, who's lying on the ground] You do realize football's a game of physics, right? Speed plus velocity equals that.
- Johnny Knoxville: Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville and we're here with professional football players Eric Ainge, Jared Allen, and our referee today - Sean William Scott. This is the Blindside.
- [Jared picks up Wee Man and throws him to the ground]
- Johnny Knoxville: I didn't do it Wee Man! Jared! Why did you do that?
- Spike Jonze: Your butt looks 80 years old.
- Ryan Dunn: Does it?
- Preston Lacy: Somebody should iron you.
- Chris Pontius: [after Johnny Knoville wrecks the lattice with the jet-ski] Oh shit. Dad's not gonna like this. That's definitely coming out of my allowance.
- Bam Margera: [both of his hands are covered with hair after using the super mighty glue] That is mingin'-ass Phil's. Preston's is pretty gross but that is disgusting!
- Bam Margera: I just love that they're climbing up a 40-foot tree and they're gonna have a 60-foot drop and it's the top of the morning.
- Ryan Dunn: Top of the morning to ya!
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
