Steve Carell credited as playing...
Michael Scott
- Michael Scott: [to Toby] This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.
- Michael Scott: [to whole office] I... declare... BANKRUPTCY!
- [Later, Michael is in his office cutting credit cards with scissors. Oscar comes in]
- Oscar Martinez: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
- Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.
- Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
- Michael Scott: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
- Michael Scott: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special - baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle". Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
- [Toby comes back from Costa Rica and surprises a distraught Michael]
- Toby Flenderson: Hi, Mich...
- Michael Scott: No, God!... No, God, please, no!... No!... No!... Nooooo!
- Michael Scott: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
- Jim Halpert: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
- Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
- Phyllis Lapin: Afghani.
- Michael Scott: What?
- Phyllis Lapin: *Afghani.*
- Michael Scott: That's a dog.
- Pam Beesly: No, that's Afghan.
- Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
- Dwight Schrute: Wait, Canine Aids?
- Michael Scott: No, *humans* with AIDS.
- Creed Bratton: Who has AIDS? Wh...
- Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananis.
- Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? No. No!
- [Pam giggles to herself]
- Michael Scott: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.
- [blooper]
- Michael Scott: I see the sales department are down there, they're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal *into* the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic.
- Phyllis Lapin: Everyone in the engine room drowned.
- [entire cast erupts in laughter]