Team America: World Police (2004)
Trey Parker: Gary Johnston, Joe, Kim Jong Il, Hans Blix, Carson, Matt Damon, Drunk in Bar, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, Michael Moore, Helen Hunt, Susan Sarandon, Others
Photos
Quotes
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Spottswoode : Team, if the Derkaderkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 911 times a thousand.
Sarah : Jesus, you mean...?
Spottswoode : Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Chris : Well forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
Spottswoode : Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!
Gary Johnston : My acting? My ACTING?
Gary Johnston : [rises from the steps] My acting just got a thousand people killed! Jesus, I've done it again!
Spottswoode : Pull yourself together, Gary! We need you now more than ever!
Gary Johnston : I'm through with this!
Spottswoode : Gary, you can't go! Without you the team is doomed! Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
Intelligence : [pause] Yes, there is.
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Gary Johnston : We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes - assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.
Spottswoode : Yes, Gary, yes.
Gary Johnston : And it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.
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Kim Jong Il : You are worthress, Arec Barrwin!
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Lisa : Promise me you'll never die.
Gary Johnston : You know I can't promise that.
Lisa : If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston : I promise I'll never die.
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Gary Johnston : Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode : Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.
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Gary Johnston : OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
Spottswoode : Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Gary Johnston : No.
Spottswoode : So then, you haven't seen everything.
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Tim Robbins : Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance Team America, and then Team America goes out... and the corporations sit there in their... in their corporation buildings, and... and, and see, they're all corporation-y... and they make money.
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Chris : Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
Gary Johnston : What's your problem with me?
Chris : Yeah, you wanna go?
Joe : Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!
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Janeane Garofolo : As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
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Sean Penn : Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
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Helen Hunt : Let's go, bitch. I've done action films!
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Gary Johnston : Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
Terrorist : Ahhh! Derka derka derka!
[Allows Gary into terrorist hideout]
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Terrorist : What do you know?
Gary Johnston : I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.
Terrorist : Get out of here! We have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed our lives. What do you know about pain and sadness?
[Gary pauses, recalls sounds of gorillas roaring]
Gary Johnston : I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.
Terrorist : I like you. You have balls. I like balls.
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Joe : One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
[looks through binoculars]
Gary Johnston : [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!
Joe : Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
Chris : Smart-ass motherfucker!
[fires missile at terrorist jeep]
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Joe : Your plan will fail! You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for 9 hours!
Kim Jong Il : Oh no? I've got Arec Barrwin!
Joe : Dear God!
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Kim Jong Il : Now you see, the changing of the worrd is inevitabre!
Lisa : I'm sorry, it's what?
Kim Jong Il : Inevit, inevitabre.
Lisa : One more time.
Kim Jong Il : [shouts] Inevitabre! Things are inevitabrey going to change! Goddamnit, open your fucking ears!
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Gary Johnston : Wait! Hold on! Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater! Have Sarah and Joe lock on to...
Gary Johnston : [he's kicked in the face and falls away backwards] Oof!
Tim Robbins : [drops down from the ceiling] GRRRRR!
Chris : Gary!
[Martin Sheen knocks him out with a wrench]
Tim Robbins : [shouts] Actors Ho!
Helen Hunt : Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson : Samuel Jackson!
Matt Damon : Matt Damon!
[a bit slurred, like a speech impediment. Gary gets up, only to be kicked in the face by Samuel Jackson]
Samuel L. Jackson : Motherfucker!
[Helen Hunt kicks Chris in the face]
Spottswoode : Gary, Chris, come in!
[no response]
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Joe : Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!
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Kim Jong Il : Hans Brix? Oh no! Oh, herro. Great to see you again, Hans!
Hans Blix : Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, but your guards won't let me enter certain areas.
Kim Jong Il : Hans, Hans, Hans! We've been frew this a dozen times. I don't have any weapons of mass destwuction, OK Hans?
Hans Blix : Then let me look around, so I can ease the UN's collective mind.
Kim Jong Il : Hans, you're breakin' my barrs here, Hans, you're breakin' my barrs!
Hans Blix : I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me in, or else.
Kim Jong Il : Or else what?
Hans Blix : Or else we will be very angry with you... and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.
Kim Jong Il : OK, Hans. I'll show you. Stand to your reft.
Hans Blix : [Moves to his left]
Kim Jong Il : A rittle more.
Hans Blix : [Moves to his left again]
Kim Jong Il : Good.
[Opens up trap, Hans falls in]
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Kim Jong Il : It will be 911 times 2356.
Chris : My God, that's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il : Nobody does!
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Chris : [Gary and Chris had entered and saw an actress tied up] Susan Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon : Oh, thank God. We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong II is mad. Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theater is.
Chris : All right.
Gary Johnston : [interrupting] No, Chris, stay away from her.
Chris : Fuck you! She wants to help us.
Gary Johnston : [calmly] No, Chris! She's acting.
Susan Sarandon : I am not. The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans.
Susan Sarandon : Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
Gary Johnston : You shall die a peasant's death!
[she starts to get up and using her guns to kill them but Gary shot her and fall to death]
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Gary Johnston : [Gary sees the limo] Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get inside your limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
Spottswoode : Uh, no. I just want to show you something.
Gary Johnston : Yeah I bet you do.
Spottswoode : Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!
[Gary gets in the limo]
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Kim Jong Il : I was sent from pranet Xiron to conquer the Earf / I had a twiffic pran - I thought it would work / I tried to get the Earfrings all to kill each other, y'see / But it all went wrong and now I must decree / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You have faiwred in every way / and now my stock in you has fawren / Your career is stawrin' / and you're worthress Arec Barrwin / That's why I brew your head off / And your chirdren are all bawrin' / Pranet Xiron is inhabited with Xipods rike me / But arso with Balmacs who are giant bees / The Xipods and the Balmacs are at constant war / So we wanted a new home and that's what Earf was for / But you are worthress Arec Barrwin / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You fucked up my whole plan / and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac porren / Your garbage needs some hawring / and you're worthress Arec Barrwin / Now I must return home a faiwrure / I'm afraid the pit of Cryrock is cawrin'.
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Kim Jong Il : Herro!
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Spottswoode : Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
Joe : Uh... All right then. Let's move.
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Kim Jong Il : Why is evawyrone so fuckin' stoopid?
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Woman Shouting out Her Window at a Drunk Gary : Get out of the street you fucking bum! You gave up on life didn't you!
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Spottswoode : From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary Johnston : 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode : Yes, 91,100.
Joe : Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
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[last lines]
Lisa : Wait a minute! Look!
[a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il's mouth and towards a spaceship]
Kim Jong Il : You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!
[enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]
Kim Jong Il : So rong, Earthrings!
Gary Johnston : We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!
Chris : All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary Johnston : Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.
Lisa : Fuck, yeah.
Gary Johnston : Fuck, yeah.
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Gary Johnston : You can't be serious.
Spottswoode : Oh, I am serious. Look, this is my serious face.
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Kim Jong Il : I'm so Ronery / So ronery / So ronery and sadry arone / There's no one / Just me onry / Sitting on my rittle throne / I work rearry hard and make up get prans / but, nobody listens, no one understands / Seems rike no one takes me serirousry / And so, I'm ronery / A rittle ronery / Poor rittle me / There's no one I can rerate to / Feewr rike a biwd in a cage / It's kinda siwry / but, not reawry / because, it's fiwring my body with rage / I'm the smartest, most crever, most physicawry fit / but, nobody erse seems to rearrize it / When I can the worrd maybe they'rr notice me / And untiwr then, I'wr be ronery / Yeaaaaah, a rittle ronery / Poor rittle me...
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[Deleted Scene]
Gary Johnston : I'm leaving. I'm out.
Spottswoode : No, Gary! You can't leave! We need you now, more than ever!
Gary Johnston : Don't you see what's going on out there? Everyone hates us!
Spottswoode : Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
Gary Johnston : No, they didn't!
Spottswoode : Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!
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Kim Jong Il : [to Lisa] When you see Arec Barrwin, you see the true ugriness of human nature.
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[Repeated line]
Kim Jong Il : Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?
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Joe : Cairo... that's in Egypt.
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Kim Jong Il : [from animated storyboards] And take the girl to my bedroom.
Kim Jong Il : [as Koreans start releasing Sarah] No, not that one! The pretty one!'
Sarah : Bitch
Sarah : [Calling after Kim Jong Il, Korean guards and Lisa] That's right, take the pretty one instead of the one who has something to offer!
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Lisa : God, I'm so confused! It's too early for me to be having feelings for you.
Gary Johnston : Maybe... feelings are feelings because we can't control them.
Lisa : But I have to control them! Because I can't go through losing somebody again! It's too painful!
Gary Johnston : So, so what? You're just gonna shut down? I really like you. There's no chance we can ever get together?
Lisa : Only if you could promise me you'll never die.
Gary Johnston : You know I can't promise that.
Lisa : If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
[turns her around and puffs himself up]
Gary Johnston : I promise. I will never die.
[they draw closer and kiss for a long time]
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Kim Jong Il : Korean dialogue
Translator : He asks what part of the deal you did not understand. He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you. He says he should fire his translator?
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Kim Jong Il : [to terrorists on a giant monitor] Okay. Who brew up Panama Canal?
Terrorist : We were upset about Cairo.
Kim Jong Il : Goddamnit, how many times do I have to tehr you? You don't use the WMDs untihr you see the signahr! I have worked ten years on this pran! It is a very precise, and a compricated pran! I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up! Now take the weapons where I tord you and wait for the *goddamn* signahr this time! Goodbye!
[shuts off monitor, and cools down]
Kim Jong Il : God. Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
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Joe : You remember the signal?
Gary Johnston : [waves arms like crazy]
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Helen Hunt : I'm... Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson : Samuel L. Jackson!
Matt Damon : [stupidly] Mmmaaattt Dammmmmooonnnn!
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Gary Johnston : I promise.
Gary Johnston : I will never die.
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Intelligence : Greetings, Mr Johnston.
Intelligence : I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened?
Gary Johnston : Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.
Gary Johnston : But where's the team?
Intelligence : They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong II in North Korea. I have intercepted communications that he is planning the massive attack during a peace ceremony.
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Gary Johnston : Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to let you put your finger in me then I suck your cock and get a movie role!
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Gary Johnston : Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode : Yes, it is. Now suck my cock! Just kidding.
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Gary Johnston : We were all out at the zoo one day, I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild. They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who tossed him to another. Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help but it was too late. The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.
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Tim Robbins : We're guarrrrrrrds!
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Kim Jong Il : I'm afraid your world is over!
Kim Jong Il : [Presses button. A countdown appears on the display]
Kim Jong Il : ...in five minutes.
Kim Jong Il : Yes! A ticking clock!
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Kim Jong Il : Now take your weapons of Mass Destruction, and get the fuck outta here!
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Lisa : Then what about all those things you promised me last night? You said you'd never leave.
Gary Johnston : I said I'd never die. But now I'm... *dead inside*
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Kim Jong Il : Now you see, the new world is inevitable.
Lisa : It's what?
Kim Jong Il : Inevit - inevitable.
Lisa : One more time?
Kim Jong Il : Inevitable! Things are inevitably going to change! Goddamnit, open your fuckin' ears!
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Gary Johnston : I had to come back. C'mon team, let's go!
Joe : Wait a second, can we really trust you?
Chris : Yeah, why the fuck should we trust you, you douchebag?
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Gary Johnston : But, I thought you weren't gay?
Spottswoode : This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!
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Chris : Jesus tittyfucking Christ dude, i could have sworn she was telling the truth!
Gary Johnston : That's why they call it acting.
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[Backstage. Alec Baldwin paces the floor]
A Page : Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin!
Alec Baldwin : Thank you.
[Tim Robbins and Martin Sheen rush in]
Martin Sheen : Alec! We have a problem!
Tim Robbins : Team America escaped!
Alec Baldwin : WHAT? You FOOLS! They'll ruin everything!
Helen Hunt : We'd better warn everyone; they'll be headed here!
Alec Baldwin : No! We can't look weak and powerless! If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get! EVERY ACTOR GRAB A GUN AND KEEP TEAM AMERICA FROM REACHING THIS CEREMONY AT ALL COSTS!
Sean Penn : K'PLA!
Janeane Garofolo , Liv Tyler , Samuel L. Jackson , George Clooney : K'PLA!
Tim Robbins : [slowly, with determination] I swear, they won't reach this stage!
