Jason Biggs credited as playing...
- Jim: That counted.
- Stifler: That totally counted.
- Danielle: That's the way to kiss your mother.
- Stifler: [to Finch] Don't you say anything.
- [Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room]
- Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches
- Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!
- Finch: You touch me, I bite.
- Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.
- Jim: What are you doing?
- Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts.
- [hands Jim the dildo]
- Jim: Where did you get this?
- Stifler: Finch's ass.
- Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.
- Jim: Okay, now. Oh, that's cold! What are you doing?
- Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?
- Jim: Okay, I think you've just crossed my threshold.
- Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?
- Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.
- Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.
- Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.
- Jim: Thanks, Dad.
- Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.
- Jim's Dad: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.
- Jim: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant.
- Jim's Dad: Oh... oh...
- Wheelchair Lady: [looking at the Pussy Palace magazine] Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?
- Jim's Dad: Excuse me?
- Wheelchair Lady: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.
- Jim's Dad: Ohh, well we're sorry, but uh, but you see my son *couldn't* leave it at home because uhh, he's having a bit of a medical emergency?
- Jim: That's right. Thanks Dad.
- Jim's Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Okay? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you don't have a penis. Or maybe you do?
- Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?
- Jim: I want to feel your boobs.
- Michelle: No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.
- Michelle: [from a deleted scene] Its just like this one time at band camp.
- Jim: Ah, Michelle I've been to band camp, it's not all what its cracked up to be.
- Jim: That's a lot of flutes.
- Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
- Nadia: You... you want the band geek?
- Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.
- Jim: Was I any good that night?
- Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?
- Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?"
- Michelle: I've had worse.
- Jim: Oh.
- Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.
- Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?
- Jim: Uh, at the movies.
- Kevin: Took the bus.
- Oz: Coffee.
- Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?
- Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.
- Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy.
- [Jim rams the kid in the face with his trombone]
- Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.
- [Jim's Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia]
- Jim's Dad: Ah, yes. The one that got away.
- Jim: Yeah.
- Jim's Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.
- [the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]
- Stifler: It's okay. It's okay. I know what I have to do.
- [starts undoing his shorts]
- Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
- [Finch and Jim run away]
- Finch: I am not touching that!
- Jim: Put that thing away Stifler!
- Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.
- [Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone]
- Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.
- Jim: Holy shit, really?
- Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.
- Jim: 'course.
- Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.
- Michelle: Oh! Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell!
- Jim: Eh, what?
- Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.
- Stifler: [Stiffler and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other] Dude, you're a fuckin' lousy kisser.
- Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't trying there.
- [to the girls]
- Jim: I'm really bett...
- Danielle: No judgment.
- Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?
- Stifler: Fuck, no!
- Jim: You were trying!
- Stifler: You were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!
