Hugh Grant credited as playing...
Daniel Cleaver
- Daniel Cleaver: Come on Bridget, we belong together - you, me, poor little skirt. If I can't make it with you then I can't make it with anyone.
- Bridget: That's not a good enough offer for me.
- Mark Darcy: I should have done this years ago.
- Daniel Cleaver: Done what?
- Mark Darcy: This.
- [Darcy punches Cleaver, hard]
- Daniel Cleaver: [shocked] Ow. Fuck me, that really hurt. What the fuck do you think you're doing?
- Mark Darcy: This.
- [Darcy punches Cleaver again, even harder]
- Daniel Cleaver: [after crashing through the window] Uhh... Jesus. All right.
- Mark Darcy: All right?
- Daniel Cleaver: Enough.
- Mark Darcy: Enough, enough.
- [Darcy begins to walk away]
- Daniel Cleaver: Wanker.
- [now having had enough, Darcy punches him hard, knocking Cleaver down]
- Daniel Cleaver: Now these are very silly little boots, Jones. And this is a very silly little dress. And, um, these are, fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.
- Bridget: Jesus. Fuck.
- Daniel Cleaver: No, no. Don't apologize. I like them. Hello, Mummy.
- [they kiss]
- Daniel Cleaver: I'm sorry, I have to have another look. They're too good to be true.
- Bridget: No...
- Daniel Cleaver: They're nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something similar myself.
- Daniel Cleaver: I've been going crazy. I can't stop thinking about you, and thinking about what an idiot I've been. Christ, is that blue soup?
- Mark Darcy: All right Cleaver, outside.
- Daniel Cleaver: [half laughing] I'm sorry? Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?
- Bridget: Daniel, what you just did is actually illegal in several countries.
- Daniel Cleaver: That is one of the reasons that I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.
- Daniel Cleaver: [lands on restaurant table] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!
- Mark Darcy: [places hand in someone's salad] Oh, God! I'm sorry!
- [wipes dirty hand on man's suit]
- Mark Darcy: I really am sorry. I-I will pay.
- Daniel Cleaver: [fed up] Had enough Darcy?
- Mark Darcy: [annoyed] Not quite, if that's all right by you.
- [punches Daniel hard]
- Waiter: Happy birthday to you...
- [everyone joins in, stopping fight]
- Waiter: Happy birthday to you!
- Mark Darcy: Happy birthday dear what's-his-name...
- Daniel Cleaver: Happy birthday to you...
- [tackles Darcy, both fly out window]
- Bridget: Apparently, I used to run round naked in his paddling pool.
- Daniel Cleaver: I bet you did, you dirty bitch.
- Daniel Cleaver: There once was a young woman from Ealing, / Who had a particular feeling. / She lay on her back, / And opened her crack, / And pissed all over the ceiling.
- Daniel Cleaver: First, have some more wine, and then tell me the story about practicing French kissing with the art girls at school, because it's a very good story.
- Bridget: It wasn't French kissing.
- Daniel Cleaver: Don't care, make it up. That's an order, Jones.
- Bridget: So what do you think of the situation in Chechnya?
- Daniel Cleaver: I couldn't give a fuck, Jones.