- Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it's lying.
- Guy in Restaurant: 'Scuse me.
- John Malkovich: Mm-hmm?
- Guy in Restaurant: Are you John Malkovich?
- John Malkovich: Yes, I am.
- Guy in Restaurant: Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie...
- John Malkovich: Oh?
- Guy in Restaurant: ...where you play that retard.
- John Malkovich: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
- Guy in Restaurant: I have a cousin... who's a retard.
- John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.
- Guy in Restaurant: Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately.
- John Malkovich: Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
- Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
- Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
- Craig Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
- Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in?
- Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.
- [Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]
- Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
- John Malkovich: NO!
- [Craig regains control]
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
- Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
- Floris: Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?
- Craig Schwartz: No, no. Um... my name's Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Dr. Lester.
- Floris: Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.
- Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.
- Floris: Pardon?
- Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.
- Floris: I- I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.
- Craig Schwartz: My name is Schwartz.
- Floris: "My name is Warts"?
- [Craig takes a seat]
- Floris: [intercom beeps] Mr. Juarez?
- [Craig doesn't respond at first]
- Craig Schwartz: Oh. Yes?
- Floris: Chest?
- Craig Schwartz: I said, "Yes?"
- Floris: You suggest what? I'm sorry I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.
- [last lines]
- Craig Schwartz: [voiceover] Maxine. Maxine, I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away.
- John Malkovich: I have seen a world that NO man should see!
- Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.
- John Malkovich: That portal is mine and it must be sealed forever - for the love of God.
- Craig Schwartz: Mr. Malkovich, sir, with all due respect, I discovered that portal. I mean, it's my livelihood. You understand?
- John Malkovich: It's my head, Schwartz. It's my head! I will see you in court!
- [Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike]
- Craig Schwartz: [calling after him] What makes you think I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
- John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".
- Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
- John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!
- Larry the Agent: John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception.
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): This is my fiancée Maxine.
- Larry the Agent: Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat.
- Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
- Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
- Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
- Maxine: Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes? Wow. Nah, I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craigy!
- [During a job interview]
- Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?
- Craig Schwartz: The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir?
- Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you.
- Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.
- Maxine: Why not?
- Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?
- Maxine: Yeah! Who told you?
- Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?
- Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
- Maxine: Yes?
- Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
- Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
- Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Tell me, Craig, why do you love puppetering?
- Craig Schwartz: [as Craig Puppet] Well Maxine, I'm not sure exactly. Perhaps the idea of becoming someone else for a little while. Being inside another skin - thinking differently, moving differently, feeling differently.
- Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Interesting, Craig.
- [lifts Maxine Puppet's leg]
- Craig Schwartz: Would you like to be inside my skin? Think what I think? Feel what I feel?
- Craig Schwartz: [as Craig Puppet] More than anything, Maxine.
- Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] It's good in here, Craig. It's better than your wildest dreams.
- [During sex]
- John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?
- Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?
- John Malkovich: No, not really.
- Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
- Craig Schwartz: Oh, no.
- Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.
- Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?
- Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. And I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes. But, nobody wants to die!
- Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you.
- Maxine: My tits?
- Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no.
- Maxine: No?
- Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.
- Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?
- Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you.
- Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.
- Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em. I want to fuck you!
- Maxine: Great! Now we're gettin' somewhere. Not a chance.
- Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig. You play with dolls.
- Craig Schwartz: Puppets, Maxine. You see, it's the idea of being inside someone else's skin and seeing what they see and feeling what they feel.
- Maxine: Yeechs!
- [a truck drives by and the driver hits Malkovich's head with a can]
- Driver: Hey Malkovich, think fast!
- Maxine: Craig! I just - I don't find you attractive. And Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am; but, only when you're in Malkovich. When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out.
- Lotte Schwartz: Really?
- Maxine: Behind the stubble and the too prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
- First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
- Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
- First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
- Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...
- Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.
- First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...
- Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
- Craig Schwartz: I did it! I made him move his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit! Oh! And - I made him talk, sort of. It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich is nothing more than a another puppet hanging next to my work table.
- Craig Schwartz: You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
- Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?
- Maxine: Are you married?
- Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.
- Dr. Lester: Any questions?
- Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
- Dr. Lester: Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.
- Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself.
- Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer...
- Maxine: [turns to bartender] Check!
- [Lotte comes home late at night]
- Craig Schwartz: You were him, weren't you?
- Lotte Schwartz: Yeah.
- Craig Schwartz: And he was with her!
- Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
- Craig Schwartz: We?
- Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
- Dr. Lester: Nubile. Blondes. Wet with desire. Me in leather. A harness, if you like. And all eyes, Craig, are upon me, as I speak. "Ladies," I begin, "I am the love god Eros." They like that. "I intoxicate you. My spunk is to you manna from heaven."
- Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, this is all very - fascinating and stuff, but, I gotta get back home and my wife...
- Dr. Lester: Oh, you have a wife! I'd like to meet her, Craig.
- Craig Schwartz: Yes, sir.
- Dr. Lester: Shall we say dinner Thursday? You can "come" too if you like.
- [chuckles]
- Dr. Lester: You get that? That was a joke! Did you hear what I said? You can "come" too. That was a joke.
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