Steve Whitmire: Rizzo the Rat • Bean Bunny • Kermit the Frog • ...

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Rizzo the Rat • Bean Bunny • Kermit the Frog • Beaker • Belinda Cratchit • Beetle • Lips • Pig Gentleman

Rizzo the Rat: There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.
Gonzo: Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.
Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body!
[Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]
Gonzo: Missed.
Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...
[Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]
Rizzo the Rat: What?
Gonzo: You can fit through those bars?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah...
Gonzo: You are such an idiot.

Rizzo the Rat: Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?
Gonzo: Nah, it's all right. This is culture!

Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?
Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!
Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
Rats: HEAT WAVE!
[singing]
Rats: This is my island in the sun...

Kermit the Frog: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure that we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us.

Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens.
Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!
Gonzo: I am too!
Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?
Gonzo: Absolutely!
Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!
Gonzo: Oh, you are too kind!
Rizzo the Rat: Why should I believe you?
Gonzo: Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!
Rizzo the Rat: Prove it!
Gonzo: All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...
Rizzo the Rat: No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!

Gonzo: Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead, and decaying in their graves.
Rizzo the Rat: Yuck!
Gonzo: [whispering] That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.
Rizzo the Rat: Why are you whispering?
Gonzo: It's for dramatic emphasis.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. You may gift wrap them.

Rizzo the Rat: Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat! Put me out, put me out, put me out!
Gonzo: Oh! My apologies! Um...
[Suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]
Gonzo: Rizzo!
Rizzo the Rat: What?
["Mr Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]

Gonzo: He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...
[noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]
Gonzo: Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!
Rizzo the Rat: Heh, you're tellin' me!
Gonzo: Come here.
Rizzo the Rat: Hmm?
[Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]
Rizzo the Rat: [sarcastic] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!
Gonzo: [dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.

Rizzo the Rat: [falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo] Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here!
Gonzo: I knew you weren't suited for literature.

Kermit the Frog: [clears throat] Um, excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. I'll see you at eight tomorrow morning.
Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
Kermit the Frog: Um... um, tomorrow's Christmas.
Rats: Mm-hmm.
Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.
Kermit the Frog: Oh. Um, if you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
Rats: No, no.
Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary, Mr. Cratchit?
Kermit the Frog: Uh... why, um, the, uh, whole day.
Rats: Yeah, yeah.
Ebenezer Scrooge: [appalled] The entire day?
Rats: No, no. It's the frog's idea.
Kermit the Frog: If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed. You'll have no one to do business *with*. Uh, it'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire.
Rats: Yeah. That's *definitely* a point.
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th.
[rats groan]
Ebenezer Scrooge: But as I seem to be the only person around who knows that... take the day off.
[rats cheer; Scrooge stands up and goes for his hat; glares at the rats]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Will you *stop that*?
[rats stop cheering and leave]
Kermit the Frog: Uh... thank you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge: [steps outside and closes the door] Be here all the earlier the next morning.

Gonzo: Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.
Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.

Rizzo the Rat: Oh, Gonzo, speak to me! I mean, Mr. Dickens. Charlie! Are you hurt?
Gonzo: [gets up] To say that Scrooge became startled would be untrue. Still the moment had passed, and the world was as it should be.
Rizzo the Rat: He ain't hurt. Didn't even lose his concentration.