Dave Goelz credited as playing...
The Great Gonzo • Robert Marley • Bunsen Honeydew • Betina Cratchit • Rat • Zoot
- Rizzo the Rat: There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.
- Gonzo: Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.
- Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body!
- [Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]
- Gonzo: Missed.
- Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...
- [Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]
- Rizzo the Rat: What?
- Gonzo: You can fit through those bars?
- Rizzo the Rat: Yeah...
- Gonzo: You are such an idiot.
- Rizzo the Rat: Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?
- Gonzo: Nah, it's all right. This is culture!
- Sam the Eagle: Tomorrow, you become a man of business!
- Young Scrooge: I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.
- Sam the Eagle: Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!
- Gonzo: Uh, Sam?
- [He whispers in Sam's ear]
- Gonzo: It's just that the story takes place in England.
- Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!
- Young Scrooge: Yes, headmaster.
- Fozziwig: My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."
- Jacob Marley: That was the speech?
- Robert Marley: It was dumb!
- Jacob Marley: It was obvious!
- Robert Marley: It was pointless!
- Jacob Marley: It was... short!
- [turns to Robert]
- Jacob Marley, Robert Marley: I loved it!
- Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens.
- Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!
- Gonzo: I am too!
- Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?
- Gonzo: Absolutely!
- Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!
- Gonzo: Oh, you are too kind!
- Rizzo the Rat: Why should I believe you?
- Gonzo: Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!
- Rizzo the Rat: Prove it!
- Gonzo: All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...
- Rizzo the Rat: No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!
- Rizzo the Rat: [a nearby clock strikes the hour] Oh, what was that?
- Gonzo: Two o'clock.
- Rizzo the Rat: Is it too early for breakfast?
- Gonzo: Yes.
- Rizzo the Rat: Oh good, suppertime!
- Robert Marley: We were always heckling you.
- Jacob Marley: It's good to be heckling again.
- Robert Marley: It's good to be doing anything again.
- [Scrooge has met the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come]
- Rizzo the Rat: Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I wanna see any more!
- Gonzo: When you're right, you're right.
- [turning to face the audience]
- Gonzo: You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale!
- Rizzo the Rat: Yeah!
- Gonzo: Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead, and decaying in their graves.
- Rizzo the Rat: Yuck!
- Gonzo: [whispering] That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.
- Rizzo the Rat: Why are you whispering?
- Gonzo: It's for dramatic emphasis.
- Jacob Marley: Why do you doubt your own senses?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Because a little thing can affect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more of gravy than of grave about you.
- Robert Marley: More of gravy than of grave?
- Jacob Marley: What a terrible pun. Where do you get these jokes?
- Robert Marley: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.
- [last lines]
- Rizzo the Rat: Nice story, Mr. Dickens.
- Gonzo: Oh, thanks. If you like this, you should read the book.
- Rizzo the Rat: Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat! Put me out, put me out, put me out!
- Gonzo: Oh! My apologies! Um...
- [Suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]
- Gonzo: Rizzo!
- Rizzo the Rat: What?
- ["Mr Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]
- Gonzo: He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...
- [noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]
- Gonzo: Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!
- Rizzo the Rat: Heh, you're tellin' me!
- Gonzo: Come here.
- Rizzo the Rat: Hmm?
- [Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]
- Rizzo the Rat: [sarcastic] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!
- Gonzo: [dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.
- Rizzo the Rat: [falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo] Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here!
- Gonzo: I knew you weren't suited for literature.
- Gonzo: Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.
- Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.
- [Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London]
- Gonzo: [Thrilled] Hello, London!
- Rizzo the Rat: [Scared] Goodbye, lunch!
- Rizzo the Rat: Rats don't understand these things.
- Gonzo: You were never a lonely child?
- Rizzo the Rat: I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters.
- Gonzo: Boy! Rats don't understand these things!
- Rizzo the Rat: I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose!
- Gonzo: You have all the fun!
- Rizzo the Rat: Oh, Gonzo, speak to me! I mean, Mr. Dickens. Charlie! Are you hurt?
- Gonzo: [gets up] To say that Scrooge became startled would be untrue. Still the moment had passed, and the world was as it should be.
- Rizzo the Rat: He ain't hurt. Didn't even lose his concentration.
- Jacob Marley, Robert Marley: We're Marley and Marley.
- [ghostly wailing]
- Jacob Marley, Robert Marley: We're Marley and Marley.
- [wailing]
- Jacob Marley, Robert Marley: We're Marley and Marley.
- [wailing]
- Jacob Marley, Robert Marley: Change!