- Number 5: Malfunction. Need input.
- Stephanie Speck: Input. That's information! Listen, I am full of it.
- Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
- Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
- Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?
- Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
- Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
- Newton Crosby: Why did you disobey your program?
- Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.
- Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"?
- Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?
- Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?
- Number 5: *I* told me.
- [Stephanie is in the bath]
- Number 5: [confused] Stephanie... change color!
- Stephanie Speck: [looks down, embarrassed, reaches for a towel] Uh...
- Number 5: Attractive! Nice software. Mmm.
- Stephanie Speck: Boy, you sure don't talk like a machine.
- Howard Marner: What if it goes out and melts down a bus load of nuns? How would you like to write the headline on that one?
- Benjamin Jabituya: Nun soup?
- Stephanie Speck: You're a robot? I thought you were alive, Number 5. I let you tear my house to shreds and you're a robot! You're a machine from that dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid!
- Number 5: Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell, lamebrain...
- Stephanie Speck: Shut up!
- Number 5: Shut up - silence, hush, sit on it, can it...
- Howard Marner: Crosby, we're going to have to ask you to surrender the robot.
- Newton Crosby: Stat?
- Howard Marner: Stat!
- Newton Crosby: What does that mean, anyway?
- Howard Marner: I don't know. But that's not the point.
- Stephanie Speck: [they're heading for the cliff] Oh, no - Jeez! Number Five, we're gonna be killed!
- Number 5: Disassemble?
- Stephanie Speck: Yes, disassemble ALL OVER THE PLACE!
- Number 5: Frankie, you broke the unwritten law. You ratted on your friends. When you do that Frankie, your enemies don't respect you. You got no friends no more. You got nobody, Frankie.
- Number 5: Benjamin Jabituya, delete.
- Benjamin Jabituya: No, wait! Rethink yourself!
- Number 5: Exit. Depart. Leave.
- Benjamin Jabituya: Eat my dust, Newton Crosby. Let us break wind.
- [leaves]
- Number 5: Newton Crosby, no run, no talk, drive.
- [Crosby stalls]
- Number 5: Today, Crosby! Today!
- Number 2: [imitating Larry] Ha ha ha ha ha.
- Number 1: [imitating Moe, in cranky huffiness] Hey, where are you guys going?
- Number 2: [imitating Larry] Who's ASkin'?
- Number 3: [imitating Curly] We're not.
- Number 1: [imitating Moe] Oh, a wise guy!
- Number 3: [Moe pokes the Curly robot] Ow!
- Number 2: [imitating Larry] You big...
- Number 1: [the Moe robot pokes the Curly robot] You stink, take that! And this!
- Number 3: [the Moe robot hits the Curly robot with eye pokes and gut punches] Ow!
- Number 2: [imitating Larry's voice] Cut it out!
- Number 1: [the Moe robot hits the Larry and Curly robots, and they hit him back] You numbskull!
- Newton Crosby: Where are you from, anyway?
- Ben Jabituya: Bakersfield, originally.
- Newton Crosby: No, I mean your ancestors.
- Ben Jabituya: Oh, them. Pittsburgh.
- Howard Marner: Crosby, what's it gonna do?
- Newton Crosby: Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.
- Skroeder: But it COULD decide to blow away anything that moves, couldn't it? COULDN'T IT CROSBY?
- Frank: [explaining why he'd just been trying to capture Steph's dog] ... you know he looked kinda sick to me, so I thought I'd just take 'im down to the vet and fix 'im up a little bit.
- Stephanie Speck: He doesn't look sick. YOU look sick.
- Stephanie Speck: [taking N5 for an extraterrestrial being] Oh, my God! I knew they'd pick me. I just knew it!... Hello? Well, I guess... Welcome to my planet!
- Stephanie Speck: [to N5 reciting TV commercials] OK, you didn't come a million miles to do television commercials, did you?
- Number 5: [on seeing the Sun] Oooooo! Beautiful. Light bulb.
- Stephanie Speck: No - sun.
- Number 5: Beautiful No-sun.
- Stephanie Speck: [ending her phone conversation with NOVA's Marner] ... never mind, go back to your nuclear warheads.
- Number 5: [parodying a TV presenter's voice during his fight against the other SAINTs] "Escaped Robot Fights for His Life. Film at Eleven."
- Stephanie Speck: [after reading the manufacturer's label on Number Five's abdomen and realizing that he's merely a man-made robot instead of a space-alien] Boy, am I the jerk of the world!
- Number 5: Jerk of the world: Turkey, idiot, pain in the ass.
- [after Number 5 is seemingly destroyed]
- Skroeder: [cheerfully] Now that, my friend, is how you kick ass!
- Howard Marner: Years of research are down the tubes, and you're happy as a pig in slops.
- Skroeder: [proudly] Just doing my job, sir.
- Howard Marner: Maybe from now on you can do it somewhere else.
- Frank: [to Number 5] Listen, why don't you say we jump in my car and I'll take you home.
- Stephanie Speck: [knowingly] Uh, tell him where home is.
- Frank: Uh, home is NOVA.
- [Beasley barks]
- Number 5: [throws tray at Frank] NOVA? NO! No disassemble!
- Stephanie Speck: Run, Number 5, run!
- Number 5: Come on, treads, don't fail me now!
- Frank: [runs after him] You tricked me, you little bitch!
- Stephanie Speck: Oh, does this mean I don't get my $5,000? Well, forget it! FORGET IT! He can run thirty miles an hour, you big stupid JERK!
- Frank: [grabs her] Hey, I'll show you how stupid I am! Guess who's gonna help me catch him!
- Stephanie Speck: No, I'd rather die first!
- Frank: [sees that his Pontiac is gone] What the hell happened to my car?
- Number 5: Hi!
- [Frank's car is shown totally dismantled]
- Number 5: Piece of cake!
- Frank: Oh, my God! My car!
- Stephanie Speck: [smiles] Oh, way to go, Number 5!
- Howard Marner: [to Newton; screaming hysterically, banging his fists on the table] I AM NOT HAVING THIS ANYMORE, CROSBY! IT WAS YOUR FAULT THAT YOU HAD TO TALK TO THESE PEOPLE!
- Number 5: Escape, escape! Please, hide! Refuge!
- Stephanie Speck: What are you afraid of? What's the matter with you?
- Number 5: N.O.V.A. robotics, disassemble, dead! Disassemble, Number 5 dead!
- Stephanie Speck: But you can't die, you're a machine!
- Number 5: No.
- Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?
- Number 5: Yes!
- Stephanie Speck: Yes you are, or yes you're not?
- Number 5: Yes...
- Stephanie Speck: Yes, what?
- Number 5: Yes... not.
- Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction!
- Number 5: Not malfunction, Stephanie... Number 5... is alive!
- [first lines]
- Number 4: Enemy neutralized. Ladies and gentlemen, objective completed.
- Stephanie Speck: I can't reassemble. You squashed him. He's dead.
- Number 5: Dead?
- Stephanie Speck: Right. Dead - as in dead as a doornail.
- Number 5: Reassemble, Stephanie. Reassemble!
- Stephanie Speck: I know you don't understand. But, when you're dead - you're dead. It's just the way it is. Dead is forever.
- Number 5: Squash. Dead. Disassemble. Dead. Disassemble? Dead!
- Stephanie Speck: Hey, slow down!
- Number 5: No disassemble!
- Stephanie Speck: Hey, wait! Where are you going?
- Number 5: Leave! Escape!
- Frank: [referring to the reward money] Twenty-five thousand dollars. Don't worry. We'll split it. Twenty for me. Five for you.
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