- Number 5: Malfunction. Need input.
- Stephanie Speck: Input. That's information! Listen, I am full of it.
- Howard Marner: What if it goes out and melts down a bus load of nuns? How would you like to write the headline on that one?
- Benjamin Jabituya: Nun soup?
- Newton Crosby: Why did you disobey your program?
- Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.
- Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"?
- Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?
- Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?
- Number 5: *I* told me.
- Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
- Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
- Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?
- Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
- Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
- [Stephanie is in the bath]
- Number 5: [confused] Stephanie... change color!
- Stephanie Speck: [looks down, embarrassed, reaches for a towel] Uh...
- Number 5: Attractive! Nice software. Mmm.
- Stephanie Speck: Boy, you sure don't talk like a machine.
- Number 2: [imitating Larry] Ha ha ha ha ha.
- Number 1: [imitating Moe, in cranky huffiness] Hey, where are you guys going?
- Number 2: [imitating Larry] Who's ASkin'?
- Number 3: [imitating Curly] We're not.
- Number 1: [imitating Moe] Oh, a wise guy!
- Number 3: [Moe pokes the Curly robot] Ow!
- Number 2: [imitating Larry] You big...
- Number 1: [the Moe robot pokes the Curly robot] You stink, take that! And this!
- Number 3: [the Moe robot hits the Curly robot with eye pokes and gut punches] Ow!
- Number 2: [imitating Larry's voice] Cut it out!
- Number 1: [the Moe robot hits the Larry and Curly robots, and they hit him back] You numbskull!
- Newton Crosby: Where are you from, anyway?
- Ben Jabituya: Bakersfield, originally.
- Newton Crosby: No, I mean your ancestors.
- Ben Jabituya: Oh, them. Pittsburgh.
- Howard Marner: Crosby, we're going to have to ask you to surrender the robot.
- Newton Crosby: Stat?
- Howard Marner: Stat!
- Newton Crosby: What does that mean, anyway?
- Howard Marner: I don't know. But that's not the point.
- Stephanie Speck: [they're heading for the cliff] Oh, no - Jeez! Number Five, we're gonna be killed!
- Number 5: Disassemble?
- Stephanie Speck: Yes, disassemble ALL OVER THE PLACE!
- Stephanie Speck: You're a robot? I thought you were alive, Number 5. I let you tear my house to shreds and you're a robot! You're a machine from that dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid!
- Number 5: Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell, lamebrain...
- Stephanie Speck: Shut up!
- Number 5: Shut up - silence, hush, sit on it, can it...
- Stephanie Speck: [taking N5 for an extraterrestrial being] Oh, my God! I knew they'd pick me. I just knew it!... Hello? Well, I guess... Welcome to my planet!
- Number 5: [on seeing the Sun] Oooooo! Beautiful. Light bulb.
- Stephanie Speck: No - sun.
- Number 5: Beautiful No-sun.
- [first lines]
- Number 4: Enemy neutralized. Ladies and gentlemen, objective completed.
- Frank: [referring to the reward money] Twenty-five thousand dollars. Don't worry. We'll split it. Twenty for me. Five for you.
- Stephanie Speck: [to Number 5 whose been watching TV all night] Haven't you had enough of this stuff? You know, you lose IQ points the longer you watch. There have been actual studies. Look, you're going to become the first alien couch potato.
- Stephanie Speck: But you can't die. You're a machine.
- Number 5: No.
- Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?
- Number 5: Yes.
- Stephanie Speck: Yes, you are, or yes, you're not?
- Number 5: Yes.
- Stephanie Speck: Yes, WHAT?
- Number 5: Yes, not.
- Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction.
- Howard Marner: Crosby, what's it gonna do?
- Newton Crosby: Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.
- Skroeder: But it COULD decide to blow away anything that moves, couldn't it? COULDN'T IT CROSBY?
- Skroeder: ...and I'm going to need some Hueys.
- Howard Marner: Some what?
- Skroeder: HELICOPTERS, Howard. Jesus Christ!
- Howard Marner: I thought they were choppers.
- Skroeder: Well, now they're called Hueys.
- Howard Marner: Well, why wasn't I notified?
- Skroeder: What the hell does it need input for?
- Newton Crosby: I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.
- Howard Marner: That's a simple function.
- Newton Crosby: Can you triangulate YOUR position, Howard?
- Howard Marner: No.
- Newton Crosby: Well, then - there you go!
- [about the robots]
- Newton Crosby: Originally I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marital aid.
- Stephanie Speck: [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to one of your head warmongers, please.
- Duke: Dr. Warmonger - I mean, Dr. Marner!
- Newton Crosby: Are you sure you weren't doing any steering or anything like that?
- Stephanie Speck: Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.
- Number 5: Frankie, you broke the unwritten law. You ratted on your friends. When you do that Frankie, your enemies don't respect you. You got no friends no more. You got nobody, Frankie.
- General Washburne: The only way to secure the peace, Senator, as I'm sure you know, is to be prepared. See, we can parachute these robot guys behind enemy lines. They hide out till the first strike blows over. Then each one is able to just carry a 25-megaton bomb right up the middle of Main Street Moscow - like the mailman bringing bad news. We call it Operation 'Gotcha LAST!'
- Senator Mills: That's what you call 'ENSURING PEACE'?
- General Washburne: Oh, yeah. Just as you say: 'Ensuring peace'.
- Howard Marner: No, I'm sure we'll all agree that Dr Crosby has designed a weapon which will keep our world safe for all time.
- Newton Crosby: Howard, what's so safe about blowing people up?
- Frank: [explaining why he'd just been trying to capture Steph's dog] ... you know he looked kinda sick to me, so I thought I'd just take 'im down to the vet and fix 'im up a little bit.
- Stephanie Speck: He doesn't look sick. YOU look sick.
- Stephanie Speck: [to a possible client, over the phone] Oh... I'm sorry, I - but I just... I have to draw the line at SNAKES. Yeah, I'm sure it would make a wonderful pet - but... Wait, isn't there a home for cobras somewhere?
- Stephanie Speck: [to N5 reciting TV commercials] OK, you didn't come a million miles to do television commercials, did you?
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