Cheers (1982–1993)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane, Self

Photos 

185 more photos

Quotes 

• Candi : What's your name?

  Frasier : Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.

  Candi : I'm Candi.

  Frasier : Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".

  Candi : Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.

  Frasier : Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.

• [the gang is discussing Cliff's 'girlfriend"] 

  Lilith : Who is this Maggie?

  Frasier : Just a woman with whom Cliff had a romantic relationship.

  Lilith : Frasier, if you don't want to tell me just say so.

• Frasier Crane : Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?

• Frasier : You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night, taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape.

  [getting turned on] 

  Frasier : Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair.

  [breathing heavily] 

  Frasier : Black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo.

  Sam : Whoah, whoah, Frasier. Snap out of it.

  Frasier : In a minute, Sam.

• Frasier : So, um... how do you like Cheers?

  Lilith : Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.

  Frasier : Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.

  Lilith : Well, we won't.

  Frasier : I appreciate your candor.

  Lilith : No, you don't.

  Frasier : You're right. I feel like striking you.

• [Frasier is looking into Lilith's purse] 

  Frasier : Oh, dear God.

  Sam : What? What is it?

  Frasier : Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse. Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?

  Carla : Just a wild guess: a snack?

• Woody : Boy, Dr. Sternin-Crane having an affair with another guy. This reminds me of a terrible scandal we had back in Hanover, rocked the whole town to its core. Mayor's wife ran off with old Mr. Smithers.

  Frasier : Well, that's not so scandalous, Woody.

  Woody : Well, Mr. Smithers was a goat.

• Lilith : Now while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy, and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you.

  Frasier : Lilith, you don't hafta treat me like a child.

  Lilith : Of course not, Frasier. Oh, please remember: don't open the door to strangers.

  Frasier : Lilith.

  Lilith : Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day.

  Frasier : Well, he looked friendly and he needed to use the phone.

  Lilith : It was three o'clock in the morning, darling.

  Frasier : People have flats at three in the morning.

  Lilith : He was wearing a ski mask.

• Norm : [Frasier and Lilith are having an argument in Sam's office]  Sammy, don't you think you should check on them? They've been in there for over an hour.

  Sam : Yeah, I guess so.

  [knocks on the door] 

  Sam : Frasier, you guys all right?

  Frasier : [opening the door]  A few more minutes, Sam. It's almost my turn to talk.

• Norm : What's This Old House?

  Frasier : It's a show on PBS.

  Norm : What's PBS?

  Lilith : Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

• Frasier : Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'

• Lilith : Good afternoon, Dr. Crane.

  Frasier : Dr. Sternin. What a lovely surprise.

  Lilith : I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation rather than sarcasm at my expense.

  Frasier : No, that was completely at your expense.

• Frasier : I've been taking stock of myself.

  Carla : Not exactly AT&T, is it?

• Frasier : Sam, I had the most incredible evening. Last night, I dreamed about something - not Diane. Well, she was in the background chattering on about something, naked, but the important thing is, I was a therapist again.

• Frasier : Boy, I never felt so low in my life.

  Cliff : Well, Doc, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you.

  Frasier : It doesn't, Cliff, but thanks.

• Sam : Are you crazy? Did I hear you just turn down a date with that girl? C'mon, man, reel her in.

  Frasier : Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand. Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.

  Carla : Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

• Cliff : Uh oh, looks like Woody's babes are comin' to blows.

  Sam, Frasier, Cliff, Norm : CAT FIGHT. CAT FIGHT.

  Kelly Gaines : You get outta my way right now or, so help me God, I'll... I'll hurt your feelings.

  Emily : You do that and I'll hurt yours right back.

  Frasier : KITTEN fight.

  Sam, Norm, Cliff : KITTEN fight.

• Lilith : [Lilith is getting very involved in her pregnancy]  Lay your hands upon me, everyone, I am life!

  Frasier : Oh boy.

  Lilith : I am Mother. My man's seed is nourished within me.

  [to Sam] 

  Lilith : Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating!

  Sam : Well, I'll tell you this is kind of a first for me, but I'm gonna pass.

• Frasier : I can't believe that you're willing to destroy our marriage all because of your childish refusal to accept the death of an animal.

  Lilith : The very fact that you think of Whitey as "an animal" proves that we are completely incompatible.

  Frasier : But he WAS an ANIMAL. Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What was he, a vegetable, a mineral? Oh, I know. He was the CEO of General Motors.

• Frasier : Sam and Diane - you are now and have always been hopelessly in I guess the word for it is "love", and unfortunately for you, like it or not, you always will be.

  [amidst their protests] 

  Frasier : I know, I know. Now you're going to deny it. Even though it's ludicrously obvious to everyone around you, you two will go on pretending it's not true because you're EMOTIONAL INFANTS. You're in a living HELL. You love each other, and you hate each other, and you hate yourselves for loving each other. Well, my dear friends, I want no part of it. It's time I just picked up where I left off. It's time to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. So I'll get out of here so you can just get on with your denial fest.

• Frasier : Afternoon, all.

  Woody : Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane?

  Frasier : Oh, the usual. The crying, the tantrums, the bed-wetting.

  Woody : Yeah, that's fatherhood.

  Frasier : No, that's my therapy group. What a buncha losers.

• [the bar holds a drawing to decide the night's designated driver] 

  Carla : And the lucky loser is... Norm Peterson.

  Norm : Great, the first time I enter this thing and you can't pick...

  [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] 

  Norm : Norm Peterson or...

  [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] 

  Norm : Norm Peterson or...

  [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] 

  Norm : Norm Peterson or...

  [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] 

  Norm : Oh, Frasier Crane. At least somebody was honest.

  Frasier : I beg your pardon. I wrote "Norm Peterson".

  [Norm looks at the slip again] 

  Norm : You're right. I wrote that.

• [Frasier arrives at the bar for his bachelor party] 

  Frasier : You know, on the way over, I decided to listen to a rock station to get into the mood. And I heard a line in one of those tribal passages that I thought was the keynote for this evening. "Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight."

• Frasier : [Lilith has some bad news for Frasier]  I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is will pale by comparison.

  Lilith : This afternoon in a moment of extreme weakness, I cheated on you.

  Frasier : THAT WAS IT! THAT WAS THE WORST THING!

• [Sam tries to hotwire Cliff's disabled car] 

  Frasier : Are you sure you know what you're doing?

  Sam : Don't worry. My old friend Buck taught me how to hotwire a car.

  [Sam electrocutes himself and falls to the ground] 

  Frasier : Sam, are you all right?

  Sam : Diane?

  Cliff : You see, Sammy. What your friend Buck never counted on was the Cliff Clavin Auto Security System. First, Mr. Car Thief gets the shock of his life, then the doors automatically lock and the alarm goes off.

  Norm : Wait, the doors *lock*?

  Cliff : Yeah, and the alarm should be going off. I don't know why it ain't working.

  Norm : I guess I'll have to do it manually then...

  [screaming at Cliff] 

  Norm : You locked us out of the car!

• Frasier : [after Sam has lambasted Rebecca for burning down the bar]  Well, I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.

  Cliff : You wanna see dark sides, you oughta see Ma when you leave the shower curtain outside the tub.

• Woody : Kelly's coming back from Europe today.

  Frasier : Ah, she's hopping the pond.

  Woody : What?

  Frasier : Well, the pond. It's a reference to the Atlantic.

  Woody : Why, Dr. Crane. The Atlantic is an ocean. How many of those have you had?

  Frasier : Apparently, not enough.

• Lilith : Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate. You can't even make eye contact.

  Frasier : I could look at you if I wanted to, but frankly, I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair.

• Frasier : For I am a healer, that is what I do.

  Cliff : And WE are PANTSERS...

  Norm : THAT is what WE do.

  [Frasier runs] 

• Cliff : Hey Doc, ah, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?

  Frasier : Your unending bull.

• Sam : Have you noticed that, uh... somebody in this bar is getting a little loony?

  Frasier : Sam, everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to beyond loony.

• Frasier : All right, let's review. Last night, I got knee walking drunk and now I am back this bar a mere seven and a half hours later, hung over... well, it's official. I have a problem.

• Frasier : We can put man on the moon but can't put metal in the microwave.

• [Frasier has kidnapped baby Federick from his own bris] 

  Sam : Frasier, you realize you have to go back.

  Frasier : I know, Sam. I just don't know how I can return to a place where I have thoroughly embarrassed myself. How do you do it, Cliff?

  Cliff : Oh, that's easy, Frase. You see, I... hey!

• [while having a debate with Cliff] 

  Norm : Hey, Frasier, you're a doctor. What happens to old, dead skin?

  Frasier : Apparently it sits on barstools and drinks beer all day.