The Apartment (1960)

C.C. Baxter : Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake.

J.D. Sheldrake : What do you mean, sorry?

C.C. Baxter : You're not going to bring anybody to my apartment.

J.D. Sheldrake : I'm not just bringing anybody; I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.

C.C. Baxter : Especially not Miss Kubelik.

C.C. Baxter : [firmly] No key.

J.D. Sheldrake : Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a very bright young man. Do you realize what you're doing? Not to me, but to yourself? Normally, it takes years to work your way up to the twenty-seventh floor. But it only takes thirty seconds to be out on the street again. You dig?

C.C. Baxter : I dig.

J.D. Sheldrake : So what's it going to be?

[Baxter slowly reaches into his pocket for a key and drops it on Sheldrake's desk]

J.D. Sheldrake : Now you're being bright.

C.C. Baxter : Thank you, sir.

[Baxter goes back into his office, looks around, then reaches into his closet for his coat and hat. Sheldrake comes in moments later]

J.D. Sheldrake : Say, Baxter, you gave me the wrong key.

C.C. Baxter : No, I didn't.

J.D. Sheldrake : But this is the key to the executive washroom.

C.C. Baxter : That's right, Mr. Sheldrake. I won't be needing it because I'm all washed up around here.

J.D. Sheldrake : What's gotten into you, Baxter?

C.C. Baxter : Just following doctor's orders. I've decided to become a "mensch". You know what that means? A human being.

J.D. Sheldrake : Now, hold on, Baxter...

C.C. Baxter : Save it. The old payola won't work anymore. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.

J.D. Sheldrake : Ya know, you see a girl a couple of times a week, just for laughs, and right away they think you're gonna divorce your wife. Now I ask you, is that fair?

C.C. Baxter : No, sir, it's very unfair... Especially to your wife.

J.D. Sheldrake : Oh, I have a present for you. I didn't quite know what to get you. Besides, it's kind of awkward for me shopping, so here's a hundred dollars. You go and buy yourself something.

J.D. Sheldrake : I've missed you.

Fran Kubelik : Like old times. Same booth, same song...

J.D. Sheldrake : It's been hell.

Fran Kubelik : Same sauce: sweet and sour.

J.D. Sheldrake : Sorry it took me so long on the phone. But we're all set.

Fran Kubelik : All set for what?

J.D. Sheldrake : I rented a car. It's going to be here at one o'clock. We're driving to Atlantic City.

Fran Kubelik : Atlantic City?

J.D. Sheldrake : I know it's a drag. But you can't find a hotel room in town, not on New Year's Eve

Fran Kubelik : Ring out the old year, ring in the new. Ring-a-ding-ding.

J.D. Sheldrake : I didn't plan it this way, Fran. Actually, it's all Baxter's fault.

Fran Kubelik : Baxter?

J.D. Sheldrake : He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.

Fran Kubelik : He wouldn't?

J.D. Sheldrake : Just walked out on me. Quit. Threw that big fat job right in my face.

Fran Kubelik : [With a faint smile] The nerve.

J.D. Sheldrake : That little punk, after all I did for him! He said I couldn't bring anybody to his apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?

Fran Kubelik : I don't know. I guess that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.

J.D. Sheldrake : [as the piano player starts playing Auld Lang Syne, he kisses Fran, but Fran is preoccupied] Happy New Year, Fran!

J.D. Sheldrake : [He turns away for a moment then looks back. Fran is gone, and is running to Baxter's apartment] Fran? Where are you, Fran?

Sheldrake's Wife : What is it, Jeff? Who's on the phone?

J.D. Sheldrake : One of our employees had an accident. I don't know why they bother me with these things on Christmas day.

Miss Olsen : Did you have a nice Christmas?

J.D. Sheldrake : Lovely! You were a big help.

Miss Olsen : Me?

J.D. Sheldrake : Thank you for giving that little pep talk to Miss Kubelik at the office party.

Miss Olsen : I'm sorry, Jeff, you know I never could hold my liquor.

J.D. Sheldrake : I thought you could hold your tongue!

Miss Olsen : It won't happen again.

J.D. Sheldrake : You bet it won't. I'll arrange for you to get a month's severance pay. That's right, Miss Olsen, I'm letting you go.

Miss Olsen : You let me go 4 years ago, Jeff, only you were cruel enough to make me sit out there and watch all the new models pass by.

J.D. Sheldrake : I'd appreciate it if you could be out of here as soon as you can.

Miss Olsen : Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.

C.C. Baxter : [Walking into Sheldrake's office, right after he practiced is speech about taking Miss Kubelik off off Sheldrake's hands] Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you...

J.D. Sheldrake : And I've got good news for you, Baxter. All your troubles are over.

C.C. Baxter : Sir?

J.D. Sheldrake : I know how worried you were about Miss Kubelik. Well, stop worrying. I'm going to take her off your hands.

C.C. Baxter : You're going to take her off my hands?

J.D. Sheldrake : [Indicating suitcases] That's right. I've moved out of my house. I'm going to be staying in town, at the Athletic Club.

C.C. Baxter : You left your wife?

J.D. Sheldrake : Well, if you must know, I fired my secretary, my secretary got to my wife, and my wife fired me. Ain't that a kick in the head?

J.D. Sheldrake : Tell me, Baxter. Have you seen Music Man?

C.C. Baxter : Not yet. I hear it's one swell show.

J.D. Sheldrake : How would you like to go tonight?

C.C. Baxter : You and me? I thought you were taking the branch manager from Kansas City.

J.D. Sheldrake : No, I have other plans. You can have both tickets.

C.C. Baxter : Well... that's very kind of you. But I'm not feeling well. See, I've got this cold. I'm gonna go right home.

J.D. Sheldrake : Baxter, you're not reading me. I told you I have plans.

C.C. Baxter : So do I. I'm gonna take four aspirins, get into bed, so you might as well give the tickets to somebody else.

J.D. Sheldrake : Look, Baxter. I'm not just giving these tickets. I wanna swap them.

C.C. Baxter : Swap 'em? For what?

J.D. Sheldrake : It also says here that you are alert, astute and quite imaginative.

C.C. Baxter : Oh? Oh...

J.D. Sheldrake : That's good thinking, Baxter. There's gonna be a shift in personnel around here next month. And as far as I'm concerned, you are executive material.

C.C. Baxter : I am?

J.D. Sheldrake : Now put down the key. And put down the address.

J.D. Sheldrake : Been hearing some nice things about you. Got a report here from Mr. Dobisch, says you're loyal, cooperative, resourceful.

C.C. Baxter : Mr. Dobisch said that?

J.D. Sheldrake : And Mr. Kirkeby tells me that several nights a week, you work late at the office, without overtime.

C.C. Baxter : You know how it is. Things pile up.

J.D. Sheldrake : Mr. Vanderhof in Public Relations and Mr. Eichelberger in Mortgage and Loans. They both would like to have you transferred to their departments.

C.C. Baxter : Very flattering.

J.D. Sheldrake : Tell me, Baxter. Just what is it that makes you so popular?

C.C. Baxter : I don't know.

J.D. Sheldrake : Think.

C.C. Baxter : Would you mind repeating the question?

J.D. Sheldrake : Look, Baxter. I'm not stupid. I know everything that goes on in this building, in every department, on every floor, every day of the year.

J.D. Sheldrake : Just what kind of a joint are you running?

C.C. Baxter : Sir?

J.D. Sheldrake : There's a certain key floating around this office, from Kirkeby to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to Dobisch. It's the key to a certain apartment. And you know who that apartment belongs to?

C.C. Baxter : Who?

J.D. Sheldrake : Loyal, resourceful, cooperative C. C. Baxter.

C.C. Baxter : Oh.

J.D. Sheldrake : How many charter members are there in this little club?

C.C. Baxter : Well, just those four. Out of a total of 31,259. So actually we can be very proud of our personnel... percentagewise.

J.D. Sheldrake : That's not the point, Baxter. Four rotten apples in a barrel, no matter how large the barrel...