- Senator Morton: Dreadful. Dreadful business. Poor unfortunate girl.
- Barbara Morton: She was a tramp.
- Senator Morton: She was a human being. Let me remind you that even the most unworthy of us has a right to life and the pursuit of happiness.
- Barbara Morton: From what I hear she pursued it in all directions.
- Barbara Morton: I still think it would be wonderful to have a man love you so much he'd kill for you.
- Senator Morton: You had no trouble, of course, with the police once they verified your alibi?
- Guy Haines: When an alibi is full of bourbon, sir, it can't stand up.
- Mrs. Anthony: Well, I do hope you've forgotten about that silly little plan of yours.
- Bruno Anthony: Which one?
- Mrs. Anthony: About blowing up the White House.
- Bruno Anthony: Oh, Ma, I was only fooling. Besides, what would the President say?
- Mrs. Anthony: You're a naughty boy, Bruno.
- Mrs. Anthony: Come see my painting.
- [walks into next room]
- Mrs. Anthony: Bruno, I do wish you would take up painting. It's such a soothing pastime.
- Bruno Anthony: [prolonged laugh] Oh, Mother, you're wonderful. That's the old boy, alright. That's Father.
- Mrs. Anthony: Is it? Oh. I was trying to paint Saint Francis.
- Bruno Anthony: When's the wedding?
- Guy Haines: The what?
- Bruno Anthony: The wedding. It's in the papers.
- Guy Haines: Well, it shouldn't be. Not unless they legalized bigamy overnight.
- Minister: [Last Lines] I beg your pardon, but aren't you Guy Haines?
- [Guy and Anne get up and walk away without saying a word to the man]
- Bruno Anthony: Everyone has somebody that they want to put out of the way. Oh now surely, Madam, you're not going to tell me that there hasn't been a time that you didn't want to dispose of someone. Your husband, for instance?
- Anne Morton: How did you get him to do it?
- Guy Haines: I... get him to do it?
- Anne Morton: Bruno Anthony. He killed Miriam, didn't he?
- [Guy stares at Anne, hesitating to answer]
- Anne Morton: Tell me the truth. Didn't he?
- Guy Haines: Yes. He's a maniac. I met him a few weeks ago on the train going to Metcalf. Over some small talk and drinks, he came up with some crazy scheme about exchanging murders. I'd do his murder; he'd do mine.
- Anne Morton: What do you mean "your murder" Guy?
- Guy Haines: Bruno read about me in the newspapers. He knew all about me and Miriam... and about you. He suggested that if he got rid of Miriam for me, I should kill his father.
- Anne Morton: But you must have known he was only talking nonsense.
- Guy Haines: But he wasn't! He really wasn't joking about swapping murders! Of course I didn't give it another thought. And now a lunatic wants me to kill his father.
- Anne Morton: It's too fantastic.
- Guy Haines: Yes, isn't it?
- Anne Morton: You mean, you've known about Miriam all this time?
- Guy Haines: Since the first night. He gave me her glasses and told me what he did.
- Anne Morton: Why didn't you call the police? Why didn't you turn Bruno in right away?
- Guy Haines: And have them say to me what you just said? "Mr. Haines, how did you get him to do it? Confess, Mr. Haines! How did you get Bruno Anthony to murder your wife?" Bruno would have told them that we planned it together.
- Senator Morton: I'll have him called up immediately.
- Barbara Morton: Obstructing the wheels of justice, Daddy?
- Mrs. Cunningham: You know, I read of a case once. I think it would be a wonderful idea! I can take him out in the car, and when we get to a very lonely spot, knock him on the head with a hammer, pour gasoline over him and over the car, and set the whole thing ablaze!
- [giggles]
- Bruno Anthony: [scowls] And have to walk all the way home? Oh, no.
- Mrs. Cunningham: [meek] No? Oh...
- Bruno Anthony: No, no. I have the best way, and the best tools.
- [raises hands]
- Bruno Anthony: Simple, silent, and quick - the silent part being the most important. Let me show you what I mean. You don't mind if I borrow your neck for a moment, do you?
- Mrs. Cunningham: [simpers] Well... if it's not for long!
- Guy Haines: You crazy maniac! Would you please get out of here and leave me alone?
- Bruno Anthony: But Guy... I like you.
- [offended, Guy punches Bruno in the face]
- Det. Leslie Hennessey: [jumps into nearby car] Excuse me, madam. We need your help. We're chasing a man.
- Dowager: Really? How exciting.
- Guy Haines: Doesn't that bloodhound ever relax? He sticks so close he's beginning to grow on me - like a fungus.
- Guy Haines: I don't think you know what you want.
- Bruno Anthony: Well, I want to do something, everything. You know, I've got a theory - that you should do everything before you die.
- Bruno Anthony: Sure, I went to college. I got kicked out of three of them. Drinking and gambling. Not like you, huh? All right, so I'm a bum.
- Guy Haines: Who said you were?
- Bruno Anthony: My father. He *hates* me. With all the money he's got, he thinks that I ought to catch the 8-5 bus every morning, punch a time clock somewhere and work my way up selling *paint* or something. Now, what do you think of a character like that?
- Guy Haines: Well, I think possibly...
- Bruno Anthony: Yes. I hate him too.
- Guy Haines: I guess I'm a little jittery.
- Bruno Anthony: Oh, I know a cure for that. Eh, waiter.
- Guy Haines: Yes, sir.
- Bruno Anthony: Scotch and plain water please. A pair. Doubles.
- [to Bruno]
- Bruno Anthony: The only kind of doubles I play.
- Guy Haines: You'll have to drink both of them.
- Bruno Anthony: And I can do it.
- Bruno Anthony: Have you ever driven a car blindfolded at 150 miles an hour?
- Guy Haines: Not lately.
- Bruno Anthony: I did. I flew on a jet plane too. Man, that's a thrill! Almost blew the sawdust out of my head. And, I'm going to make a reservation on the first rocket to the moon.
- Bruno Anthony: There I go again. Too friendly. It always happens. I meet somebody who I like and admire and I open my mouth too much.
- Bruno Anthony: That reminds me of a *wonderful* idea I had once. I used to put myself to sleep at night - figuring it out. Now, let's say that - that you'd like to get rid of your wife.
- Guy Haines: That's a morbid thought.
- Bruno Anthony: Oh, no, no, no, no. Just suppose. Let's say you had a very good reason.
- Guy Haines: No, let's - let's not say...
- Bruno Anthony: No, no! Let's say. Now, you'd be afraid to kill her. You'd get caught. And what would trip you up? The motive. Ah. Now here's my idea.
- Guy Haines: I'm afraid I haven't time to listen, Bruno.
- Bruno Anthony: Listen, it's so simple, too. Two fellows meet accidentally, like you and me. No connection between them at all. Never saw each other before. Each one has somebody he'd like to get rid of. So they swap murders.
- Guy Haines: Swap murders?
- Bruno Anthony: Each fellow does the other fellow's murder. Then there's nothing to connect them. Each one has murdered a total stranger. Like you do my murder and I do yours.
- Bruno Anthony: What did you say her name was? Your wife's?
- Guy Haines: Miriam.
- Bruno Anthony: Miram, that's it. Miriam Joyce Haines. I suppose she - played around a lot, huh?
- Guy Haines: Skip it, Bruno. It's kind of painful for a man to discover he's been a chump.
- Miriam Joyce Haines: I really should have had a hot dog before I had this.
- Miriam's Boyfriend: A hot dog?
- Miriam Joyce Haines: It would have satisfied my cravings a little better.
- [seductively eating an ice cream cone]
- Guy Haines: [long kiss] Darling, you're trembling.
- Anne Morton: Guy, I wonder if you know how much I love you.
- Guy Haines: Brazen woman. I'm the one to say that.
- [long kiss]
- Senator Morton: One doesn't always have to *say* what one thinks.
- Barbara Morton: Father, I'm not a politician.
- Barbara Morton: I've just been talking to your shadow. Guy, did you know Mr. Hennessy helped crack that axe murder I was reading about? You know, the one where the body was cut up and hidden in the butcher shop? He was locked in the ice box with the left leg for six hours!
- Guy Haines: Oh, Babs, he pulls those things out of his hat.
- Senator Morton: I thought he was a bit weird when he arrived. Who is he?
- Guy Haines: I hardly know him, sir.
- Senator Morton: Well, get him out of here as soon as you decently can, will you. This is a nice item for the gossips. First thing you know, they'll be talking about orgies!
- Anne Morton: We'd better be getting back.
- Guy Haines: We've actually been alone for an hour. Seems almost indecent. You like?
- Anne Morton: I like.
- Guy Haines: Miriam - murdered?
- Anne Morton: She was strangled.
- Senator Morton: It happened on an island in an amusement park. It was sort of a lovers lane, I believe. Evidently, a sordid atmosphere.
- Barbara Morton: Miriam went there with two boys.
- Senator Morton: Be guided by my experience. Never lose any sleep over accusations. Unless they can be proved, of course.
- Bruno Anthony: How do you do, sir? I'd like to talk with you sometime, sir, and tell you about my idea for harnessing the life force. It'll make atomic power look like the horse and buggy. I'm already developing my faculty for seeing _millions_ of miles. And Senator: can you imagine being able to smell a flower - on the planet Mars? I'd like to have lunch with you someday soon, sir. Tell you more about it.
- Bruno Anthony: It must be pretty exciting to be so important.
- Guy Haines: A tennis player isn't so important.
- Bruno Anthony: Oh, but people who do things are important. Now, me, I - I never seem to do anything.
- Barbara Morton: Who's the interesting-looking Frenchman with the Darvilles?
- Guy Haines: His name's Antony... he's not French.
- Bruno Anthony: You think my theory is okay, Guy? You like it?
- Guy Haines: Sure, sure, Bruno. They're all okay.
- Anne Morton: [on the phone] You sound so savage, Guy.
- Guy Haines: Sure I sound savage. I feel savage. I'd like to break her neck! I said I'd like to break her foul, useless little neck!
- [train rumbles nearby]
- Guy Haines: What's that? I said I could strangle her!
- Miriam Joyce Haines: Hey, are we going to go to the Tunnel of Love?
- Miriam's Boyfriend: Tunnel of Love?
- Miriam Joyce Haines: Come on!
- Prof. Collins: [drunkenly] Name's Collins. On sabbatical - Delaware Tech. Glad to meet you. I jus' gave a speech in New York. On integration. In the differential calculus a function is given and the differential is obtained. Y'understand?
- Guy Haines: Yes, I understand.
- Prof. Collins: Y'do?
- Bruno Anthony: Now, you're going to do a murder. How are you going to do it? This is the fascinating part. How are you going to do it? I didn't get your name?
- Mrs. Cunningham: Mrs. Cunningham.
- Bruno Anthony: Mrs. Cunningham, how are you going to do it?
- Mrs. Cunningham: Well, I suppose I'll have to get a gun from somewhere.
- Bruno Anthony: Oh no, Mrs. Cunningham. Bang, bang, bang all over the place. Blood everywhere?
- Prof. Collins: [singing] There was a man who had a goat, He loved that goat, Indeed he did, He loved that goat, Just like a kid.
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