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falmerant
Reviews
The Wicker Man (2006)
Stinks
Oh boy, is "Wicker Man" a stinker! To save you from what I had to learn the hard way, let me try to recreate here for deterrence purposes -- The Wicker Man Experience:
1. Nicholas-Cage-character (showing photo of missing girl): "Have you seen this girl?"
2. Replaceable-female-character: "I like cookies!"
3. (Now hit yourself over the head with a bedpan)
4. (Repeat steps 1-3 approx. 4.800 times.)
Intermixed with this basic theme, imagine:
a) Little-girl-character actually outrunning Nicholas-cage-character on an open field -- way to go, Nicholas-cage-character!
b) Nicholas-cage-character discovering dead-guy-character when suddenly: Replaceable-female-characters-dressed-up-as-forest-animals pop up behind a hedge like whack-a-mole-moles to watch Nicholas-cage-character discovering dead-guy-character (yes, this is for real!) Nicholas-cage-character turns around -- Replaceable-female-characters-dressed-up-as-forest-animals hide behind the hedge again. Way to go, screen writing-director-guy-Neil-LaBute! Why this one didn't get you an Oscar remains a mystery to me ...
c) Nicholas-cage-character punching some replaceable-female-character in the face (which was actually refreshing to see, and should have been extended to Nicholas-cage-character punching _all_ replaceable-female-characters in the face, and then punching himself in the face until he passes out -- this might have saved the movie)
5. At the end, Nicholas-cage-character dies.
...
6. But is it _really_ the end? No! In a special and totally unexpected twist, we are threatened with the possibility of ... A SEQUEL! Expect it to be filmed as soon as enough influential people have been promised sexual favors again.
Flightplan (2005)
Good. At first.
OK, imagine you paid, like, $10 to sit for two hours in this awesome show. And at first you really like what's going on on stage -- good visuals, thrill, suspense and whatnot.
And then, all of a sudden, some door at the side of the theater pops open, spilling out -- a horde of loud, vulgar clowns! The clowns start to dance around your seat, point at you, throw food at you and start to chant "You're stoopid!" with this annoying french accent. And they just won't stop!
So, how is this related to "Flightplan"? Way more than you initially might have thought -- because, really, this is what actually expects you if you pay to see this movie: A great start, Jodie Foster doing fine, and then suddenly some "plot" twist (or is it the desperate attempt to mend plot holes by dropping an atom bomb on them?), that insults your intelligence more than any horde of clowns would be able to if they had a year's time.
For that, I hate this movie! And if you have already paid, and actually liked "Flightplan", you might very well deserve to have food thrown at you -- stoopid!
Ultraviolet (2006)
Sucks.
Yes, it has already been said that this "movie" is awful beyond all measure.
However, it is my sincere belief, that by making the mistake of actually watching this "movie", one lades upon him the burden of having to warn the unspoilt rest of humanity from encountering what might be the biggest pile of crap that has ever been conceived since the dawn of time itself.
So, people, here goes: If you are lucky enough to be still untouched by this insolence-become-celluloid, and yet somewhere in the back of your head curiosity strikes and a little voice begins to whisper: "It can't be _that_ bad, can it? Let's see how bad it _really_ is, maybe it's actually fun to watch (Equilibrium certainly was, wasn't it?) ..."
DON'T DO IT!
Every time money exchanges hands so that another innocent soul can be violated by this "movie", God cries. Every time bandwidth is wasted to download Ultracrap, somewhere a kitten dies.
But wait, there's more: "Milla's hot!" the voice (I believe it's the devil's voice by the way, but don't nail me down on this because even Satan himself might not be able to bear this singularity of evil) could say in some unlucky teenager's head. "Let's watch it anyway ..." Let me repeat myself:
DON'T DO IT!
I know Milla's hot. So might be your first shot of Heroin. But in contrast to Ultraturd, there are clinics for people that got pwn3d by H (do I get the lingo right?). So if you really have to see Milla, watch Fifth Element again. Or Resident Evil.
Maybe, to be on the safe side, you could ask a buddy to knock you over the head with a brick, if in a weak moment you are about to give in to curiosity, and actually want to find out how bad Ultramanure really is. You will thank him.