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Reviews
Code 8 (2019)
Good vision
The only one of two things that I really say negatively about this film is the premise as stated in the description of the film: "Conner Reed (Robbie Amell), a desperate young man possessing special powers, clashes with a militarized police force after committing a petty crime".
In no way shape or form are the crimes committed by the protagonist "petty" crimes, and it makes it sound like the major plot line of the film is the lead's conflict with the police, making me think I was getting another "District 9", whereas the film's premise is actually more about his conflict with organized crime.
That being said, I know this film was shot on a relatively modest budget, but it doesn't show. The film does some ingenious stuff to make it seem hi-tech and flashy, but using simple solutions to make it work and still look good. For example, the robot officers are obviously actors in costume, but it's done believably so that they "look" like robots, but without requiring 10 million dollar Marvel-ish CGI shots to accomplish the task. The film also introduces us to drone-like police helicopters that are probably 100% CGI, but they fly high enough in shots to avoid looking too fake. Other, more expensive films could learn a lot from the special effects used here.
The plot itself is simple enough, but it's an easy watch. The one other complaint I had about the film is that some of the emotional interactions fall flat, the lead's "relationship" with a young drug addict looking to get out seemed forced (maybe just bad chemistry between the actors?), and I'd never assume the lead and his mom were ever son and mother, it's just not believable.
Minor qualms aside, I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this film, especially on a fan source financed project.
Encore! (2019)
Good, could be much better with tweaks
Well, I wasn't a theater buff in school nor out of it, except the occasional musical done on film. I'd say I am definitely not Disney's target audience for this show. That being said, I found "Encore" to be surprisingly easy to watch. The former high school drama club members spotlighted in each episode manage to mostly pull off a functional version of their musical, but you didn't come here to watch "stars". This show is actually about real people who live normal lives and are briefly given a shot to do what most never get to do, "go back again", and the drama these reunions may cause.
The most fascinating part of the series has been learning how individuals struggled or succeeded post HS, and unresolved issues and conflicts that arise during taping. I haven't seen anything over the top, ridiculous arguments or staged drama yet, so here's hoping Disney keeps this show on the level. My only 2 complaints are: 1) I feel like each episode is too short, because they are trying to juggle reunions, personal drama, practice, and the final show, all in less than 1 hour. My advice would be to dive deeper into the human interactions, and less about the musical itself, which would create a more compelling drama for the audience (or just make it longer). The stilted editing pace results in many story arcs without any form of resolution, so even covering them to begin with seemed like a waste of time. 2) I've noticed some repetition in the format. People reunite, air initial grievances / memories, dumb "practice" singing session (that only exists to embarrass the performers I think in an "American Idol" way), roles cast, practice, some personal drama is revealed, practice, show airs, people do "good enough", end. This repetitive narrative style may cause me to lose interest in the show quickly, but I'll keep at for a few more episodes, at least.
Up There (2019)
Hard to sit through
This film has a few redeeming qualities, the female lead has pretty eyes, and she shows some acting chops with (probably) confusing direction (as she and everyone else in this film are all over the place with motivations and dialogue). There's decent cinematography, but the "UP" tag was disappointing to someone who's been to the area many times, as the specific location plays almost no part in the film, it could've been anywhere in the Midwest.
The male lead is just an absolute tool and needs some serious help from a dialogue coach. The "tool" aspect is intentional for the character, I know, but he's just unpleasant to watch. The largest glaring flaw with the film, however, is just a complete lack of tension.
Sure, the male lead has a comedically over-the-top "bad" boss who throws out vague threats, and the protagonist has a menacing, overprotective brother, but any attempts to build real tension and drama falls flat, because of the absolutely inane dialogue.
Truly, the screenwriter must've been an alien who observed humans for 6 months, and then was told to write a film in "human talk", because this film has to have some of the most unrealistic, "nobody would ever say these" lines, I've ever heard in a film.
Oh, and there's an opening sequence at the very start of the film where the male lead is forced to give away a jacket for a phone charger, and it is just a stupidly bad, incredibly unbelievable way to open a film, that serves no real purpose and just makes the film worse in every possible way. It left a bad taste in my mouth and shouted loud and clear "You're watching a movie!!!" five seconds in (way to destroy "suspending disbelief" immediately into the film).
Bottom line, skip it until it's free. Oh and all the perfect reviews? Fake. Obviously. You can easily spot them, glowing but less than 1 paragraph long, extremely vague on plot details, same description could fit many different films.
Still (2018)
Just mind numbingly slow
The acting is fine, the scenery is pretty, but there's a huge pacing problem in this film. Sometimes stuff just "happens", out of the blue, barely explained. Other times just "nothing" happens at all. I understand the concept of "slow burn" movies, but this one was just slow.
And the "big reveal" / secret promised in this film? Please. If you've ever watched a film like this you'll have seen it coming 10 miles away.
The Boonies (2016)
"The Cheesies"
This show had great promise. I'm guessing someone was watching The History Channel's "Alone" and thought "What if we made this a TV show?", which is not a bad idea, considering that the US is large enough of a country to allow for many people to experience "off the grid" living, giving an ample source of potential subjects for the show.
We end up with a tv show that follows 4 groups of people who live outside society, a cave dweller, a couple living in the trees, a "mountain man", and a guy who lives on Lake Michigan. After the 4 groups are all introduced, you quickly learn this show was (obviously) going to be called "Off the Grid" or "Beyond the Grid" or something like that, because narrator Michael Madsen (yup) goes out of his way to say "off the grid" like a guy playing an "off the grid" drinking game. At this point you're also introduced to an annoying habit of narrator Mike saying "grid" as it relates to the subject, i.e. if the topic is the cave guy, Mike says "under the grid", if it's the tree dwellers he says "above the grid", which is factually just...dumb. Even if the tree dwellers moved to the ground, they're still off the grid, so stop saying "above the grid", okay Mike?
Around the introductions to the 4 groups, the show also unveils this ultra-cheesy way of transitioning from group to group. It's just...lame. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. The show will be focusing on one group, and then suddenly, you hear a weird "spark" sound, they briefly "flash" a translucent image of the person they're moving their focus onto, and then they flash the person again, before making the transition. It's hokey, unnecessary, and turns an interesting documentary style show into...Ghost Hunters? I'm not really sure, it's just dumb, and they do it every. single. time. they make a focus transition from group to group, it's incredibly distracting.
I'm not sure if it's done because NatGeo attempts to appeal to a younger crowd for educational purposes, but I really hope no kids are watching this show!
"Why" gets me to my next reason for really disliking this mess: the cave guy is not some off the grid risk taker, he's an emotionally damaged man who obviously needs psychiatric help. Two years ago his wife died, two years ago he decided to go live in holes surrounded by his dead wife's possessions. Hmm, maybe he needs to talk to someone?
At times the premise of the show itself is a bit tested. For example, if you do not reside in NYC or LA, you'd know Beaver Island is not in any way isolated, the guy is a 10 minute boat ride from a city. Just look at any map and you'll see what I mean.
Again, good premise for a show, poorly executed. The fact that it only lasted one season tells me the production costs probably far exceeded the audience. Good riddance. And please get that guy some help, okay?
Jexi (2019)
Jexi, for a movie about technology, it's really dumb
Jexi is the type of movie that after you see it, you wonder how it escaped banishment to the land of direct-to-streaming film releases, like most of Adam Devine's career as of late (seriously, go look at Netflix new movies nowadays, if it doesn't have Adam, it probably has his buddy Alexandria Daddario, or both of them). That's not to say there's anything necessarily wrong with Adam Devine as an actor, it's just that his characters all tend to have a sense of "sameness" about them, so much so you wonder about his range.
We start the movie with an impression that Adam likes smartphones, so much so he is ignoring the world around him every day of his life. His phone breaks, he gets a smart (foul) mouthed replacement in an Alexa / Siri-styled A.I. powered phone named Jexi. Get it? Like Alexa. Yeah, all the jokes in this are going to be about as witty as that name.
About 10 minutes in and the movie telegraphs the entire plot: Guy hates world and loves phone, gets new phone, hates phone, learns to love world. The premise is fine, there's actually a lot of different directions they could've gone with it, unfortunately they chose the least interesting, most annoying route to get there. Like the weird (pointless) light show bicyclists scene, lots of fluff with no purpose.
Rather than attempt any sort of witty, interesting, intelligent back and forth dialogue, Adam and Jexi basically spend the whole movie cursing at each other. I'm not joking either, Rose Byrne (voicing Jexi because she's friends with Adam Devine I guess?) is completely wasted here, with any semblance of her charm buried under a crap script.
For no real reason at all, Adam manages to come off like a complete psycho to a young love interest who catches his eye, and despite many mistakes, and his psychotic actions, she actually likes him, and (completely undeservedly and unrealistically) she gives him chance, after chance, until he "becomes a good guy because a smartphone bullied him".
Yes, what I just said must've made sense, in some writer's room, because that's what happens in this mess of a film.
Don't do what I did, just wait about a month or so for this to come to video.
Zombie House Flipping (2016)
So fake
Yes, I understand most "reality" TV shows these days are partially fake, as real life doesn't have enough drama to draw in viewers, but sometimes I think this show isn't even trying. It's impossible to believe every single flip would have some outrageous event occur, like a backyard catching on fire or random alligator attacks, but sure enough, every. single. episode. has some ridiculous "problem" that occurs. Sign 1 that it's fake. Also, in every single episode there's an "argument" about going over budget, and that they won't make a profit. But..surprise surprise! They always end up fixing everything in the nick of time, and they make a profit. Real life doesn't work that way.
Every episode is the same: They buy an old house sight unseen (fake), whine about the condition as if it's the first time they've ever seen such conditions (bad acting), come up with a out-of-the-blue budget (unrealistic), some ridiculous event occurs, compounding the renovation (fake), and then they end up making it all work in the end (stupid). This show might be watchable if they attempted any form of realism, or strayed slightly out of the flow of each episode, but that's too much to hope for, I guess. This show is a definite "skip it".
Liu lang di qiu (2019)
Is this the BEST they can do?!
Okay, I watched it, all the way. It took 3 tries, and manipulation of my perception of reality (drinking), but I finally got through this mess. I mainly wrote this review to thumb my noses at all the reporters who act shocked and horrified that this got dumped straight to video in the US, despite making gobs of cash in China. To them I say, "Did you actually WATCH this mess?" There's a reason Netflix dumped it. It's garbage, nice looking garbage, but garbage. Cheesy, ridiculous, nonsensical plot. Yes, things were lost in translation I'm sure, but holy heck this is a stinker. Avoid at all costs.
Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)
Poorly conceived
I'm sure the positive reviews are those comparing this to Shaun of the Dead (the sequence of the main characters oblivious to the zombie outbreak at the beginning seems to have been ripped directly from that movie), but SOTD this is not. That movie picked a direction, it was a comedy about a zombie outbreak. This film, however, tries to be everything to everyone and it fails as a result of being less than the sum of its parts. Is it a musical, a campy zombie movie, a serious zombie movie, or what? I get that having musical numbers in a horror film is original, that it is, but it just doesn't work. It's silly, not in a good way, because it's an attempt to add comedy into a horror film, which is a fine idea, but the movie itself is actually kind of serious, so the added musical numbers come off as tone deaf and completely took me out of the film. It also doesn't help that all of the characters are one-dimensional caricatures of actual people, and that the musical numbers are dull at best, laughably bad at worst. After about 30 minutes boredom ensued. I found myself watching the time left bar more than the movie itself. Pick a direction.
The Ones Below (2015)
A big buildup...to cliches.
I'm not sure when the last time was I saw a movie that did so well, 95% of the time...and then they mess it up at the end. I won't go into the major plot too much, but suffice it to say that this film does an excellent job building tension between the couples, a weird intimacy between the female leads, and a sense of "what are they capable of, exactly?" thoughts about the mysterious couple from below. Unfortunately, it builds to an incredibly predictable climax. Oh, the mysterious couple? Run-of-the-mill murderers / baby thieves. They do an excellent job hiding the crime (with one glaring exception), but otherwise it's just a dull, been-there-done-that "shocking" ending. The quotes are due to the fact that this movie contains a blankly starring, dead inside female lead, "the Governor", and lots of marital strife. And this movie is labeled as a thriller, so you know someone is dying. So, not shocking, because the ending is as you'd expect it for the genre. I could excuse most of the predictability due to strong acting performances, except a huge plot hole. We the audience, are to accept that Justin was lead to believe at the end his baby drowned, Okay fine. But the movie implies the killer dropped a bundled up cat in the baby basket in the river, a completely still river. There's no way divers wouldn't dredge the entire length of it looking for a baby or the body. The river was absolutely still and Justin arrives moments after the bundle is dumped. Divers would've found it. I think the investigation would quickly change to a murder investigation if they found a drowned cat in the bundle, or even just cat hairs and no human remains, don't you think? There's no way on Earth it's assumed the baby washed away, without looking, especially for a distraught (but it's implied intelligent) father. So, that major gap in logic created a convenient/predictable "bad" ending, ruining a otherwise excellent film.
The Neverending Story (1984)
A gem
I cannot review this movie without an ode to nostalgia. Maybe it wasn't as good as I remembered, I thought, watching it as an adult. I was wrong, still the same emotions. For the year it was made the special effects and miniature work is outstanding, the parts played sincerely, and it has a wonderfully ethereal soundtrack perfect for the mood. Watch it with your kids, give them a reason to dream!
We Go On (2016)
Boo?
Our main character / man-child Miles wants to find evidence of life after death and is offering 30k to whom ever can prove it to him. Interesting premise, with terrible execution. I'd say 60 of the 89 minute runtime must be our protagonist starring off blankly into the distance. And he's got some serious parental dependency, I half-expected him to answer his phone "Yes, mommy?" At any given time. Movie gets 1 star for decent camera work on a very low budget. Otherwise, it's by-the-numbers "cut to screaming ghost" shots in an attempt to be scary. It's not. Random loud noises stopped being scary when I turned 4.
Extinction (2015)
These zombies are coool
Okay, so first of all I do commend the director and writers for trying something different in the zombie genre, but along the way they stumble through many zombie cliches.
The film opens on a convoy of survivors trying to get to Harmony, a fictitious city. I'm assuming it's fictional because I don't remember any cities so far north to have perpetual blizzards and yet also skyscrapers (observe poorly designed and obviously fake backdrops in the early shots of the film), seriously it snows all the time, did the zombie outbreak also change the weather? (Actually that's probably a better film idea than this one deserves.)
Anywho, after an extremely inane action sequence to explain "how we got here" (that includes multiple silent stealthy deaths by a large crowd of screaming zombies), we learn in the present the main characters hate each other for some reason and dummy A (I will refer to them as such for the remainder of the review for obvious reasons shortly explained) takes care of dummy B's daughter and raises her as his own because "he ain't right" according to dummy A, or some such reasoning to shut up a "daughter" he treats like utter garbage in an apocalyptic situation (seriously, I get he's trying to be stern but it's a world where 99.9999% of the earth was eaten, including her mom, lighten up dude).
So, yeah, in a world of complete destruction and death, the only two people that they know of are choosing to be little babies and are feuding like warring neighbors in a FREAKING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! Are you kidding me? I'm led to believe in a world of almost all dead that they wouldn't put such things aside, for the sake of the baby girl they are trying to raise?
The movie trudges on, more dumbness, dummy A watches dummy B nearly die "cuz feud", then dummy B has a subplot where voices in his head tell him to kill people (okay?), dummy A invites dummy B to dinner, ruined "cuz feud", etc. (side note: the director was obviously a HUGE fan of "The Walking Dead" due to multiple ripoffs, from limb hacking to avoid zombie infection, to "hit everything then hit nothing" good guy aim).
We learn the zombies are back and evolving, now they are blind but they hear good. (Not sure how that's a evolutionary possible since evolution is to make a species better hunters, not worse, and they haven't been living underground.) For some reason this makes them...worse? Not sure why? They also no longer spread infection. Sweet. For some reason a pretty lady shows up to be pretty and talk about a survivor story. Seems condoms must be zombie food, otherwise I can't explain why you wouldn't use protection in a zombie apocalypse. Seriously, this is a world to raise a child? Maybe wait until after the cannibals are gone, 'kay?
Yep, she's pregnant. Although that subplot means absolutely nothing, other than showin some belly it's never referenced in the movie again.
So dummy B decided to cut up the first Uber zombie they met and keep it as a dog or something because pretty lady sees it and rightly shoots it dead because these suckers are pack hunters and he's been calling his buddies for a few days. Seriously, these guys are so dumb. How did they survive 9 years let alone 9 minutes?!
Pretty lady is the only smart character, she informs them they are all dead meat, and they await the horde. The child gets unexplainably locked up in the basement so her dad can keep her outside of his view, safe in such situations I know. Things go bad, then well when the characters realize sound is bad (sidenote #2 : Did John K. from "The Office" get drunk and watch this movie and that's where "A Quiet Place" came from? Seriously, it has sound hunting monsters with wicked ears, who are killed by sound, and includes a Dad who dies at the end to save his kid....o crap.) and play some classic rock to mess the zombies up. Works until the generator that has been (conveniently blasting music day and night for weeks) conveniently dies, mid zombie battle. Nice.
Dummy B decides to be a hero and lead away sound hunting zombies using his fleshy body instead of, ya know, throwing a rock or something. He gets Rambo'ed by God and shoots everything easily until he forgets to grab a sidearm or any extra bullets and gets eaten and dies and blows up. In that order. (Somewhere along the lines we learned Dummy B is the real dad of the child but he was a drunk and let mom die so dummy A raised the baby, this was an act of self sacrifice to atone for being an idiot. Didn't work. Still dumb.)
Movie ends, mercifully for the audience.
The Underground (2021)
Clearly Delusional
You don't have to be a psychiatrist (or self taught metallurgist) to see serious mental illness on display here. Unfortunately the documentarians (or satirists? I'm not sure if they are well-meaning or making fun of the poor guy) go to great lengths to dive deeply into the madness without questioning it too much. Also rating it based on really shoddy production values.
Paranormal Survivor (2015)
Who are these people?!
This is your standard TV ghost story show that, unfortunately, tells the same story over and over again, but there is something I love about this show (more on that later).
People are "interviewed" about what they experienced, actors reenact events. After a while you realize the interviewees are actors too, which takes away from it. Also, the interviewees seem to be better actors than the ones doing the reenactments, oddly enough. Although it's not hard to see why, they are not bad, they are mind blowingly bad. I feel like the director just sits off camera yelling "look scared!" All day while filming, because that's the level of interaction you get. But what's great?
1 thing.
There's an episode in season 1 where a gay couple is being haunted. As I watched I stopped it several times to point out to my wife that the re-enactment actors didn't resemble their counterparts at all...and then I realized I had it switched, THIS WAS THE BEST / WORST THINV IVE EVER SEEN! Literally one guy is bearded with glasses representing a short bald heavy set guy. You have to see it to believe it. And be faded when you do, it'll save your life. It's so, so funny.
Gay haunted couple gets a star. Otherwise, crap show.