fishfryluv2 Reviews

A Dash of Christmas (2023 TV Movie)

This Movie Town Has a Ridiculous Amount of Snow

[8/10 · 28 December 2023]

I am currently in the middle of this movie with my wife. We are watching it on demand. We thought this was a Hallmark movie, but it is actually a Great American Family movie, which means that Candace Cameron Bure is not the reason there are no gay people in this movie. They just aren't. I missed the beginning of this movie, but my wife filled me in: marketing executive who lost her job and is being considered for a job in California if she makes a movie about food. She visits her sister, a military wife who lives in a $10 million dollar Connecticut mansion with a giant kitchen island. She is learning to bake thanks to Chin-Implant Guy, who is a staple of Hallmark Christmas movies and who has "symmetrical highlights" according to my wife, and they are falling in love. Yeesh. What more could you want?

We are about halfway through this movie, and they are already clearly in love. Not sure what the conflict will be. But I think it will involve her turning down her big job in California to be with Chin Implant. I don't know exactly what this California job entails, but this woman seems less and less concerned about it because she now wants to win the "Connecticut Charity" Baking Contest - for charity! The main character's sister definitely keeps a tidy house in that huge mansion. So.....Merry Christmas to all, and let's get some gay people in your movies, Great American Family!

Christmas by Design (II) (2023 TV Movie)

Dating Her Father?

[9/10 · 9 November 2023]

This movie was great! And by "great", I mean weird, creepy, and frustrating. First, my wife could barely control her anger at this lady's self-imposed work schedule. She had 8 days to make a pair of pajamas (which she herself said was nearly impossible) and then she is spending all of her time goofing off at the Elfcapades with her family and the guy she hit with her car. Several times during this movie, I caught my wife shaking her head and muttering "ridiculous" under her breath.

We also really enjoyed how her family spent most of the movie guilting her about what a horrible daughter/sister she was for following her dream, moving to New York, and opening her own clothing store. When she told her family that she ditched her big chance at designer stardom so she could spend Day 47 of the Elfcapades with them, their joy was sickening.

Finally, it was weird that the not-yet boyfriend of the lead character bought her dad's old tow truck that happened to have his old jacket in it. We suspect that the dad's body may have been in the back of the truck too, but Hallmark didn't show us that. In any case, this made the lead character fall in love with the mechanic and apologize to her stepfather for being a jerk to him.

Anyways, all of the characters in this movie were awful people except maybe the mechanic. I gave this movie 9 stars because I am a sick freak who likes being angry. I can't wait until the sequel!

The VelociPastor (2018)

I have not seen this movie

[7/10 · 5 June 2023]

This movie looks like the kind of movie that I would want to watch. My buddies texted me to inform me about this movie. I have watched a lot of movies about velociraptors before but no movies where the velociraptor is a priest, so I am already on board. My friends and I talk most Wednesday nights via Zoom, and we may need to all watch The VelociPastor and then speak about it on Wednesday to compare our thoughts. We tried to do that with the show Deadwood, but I was really tired at the time and did not get around to binge-watching that show. I watched about 10 episodes. I have nothing against Deadwood - it was good when I watched it. But I was never so amped up that when I had a free moment when the kids were in bed and my wife was asleep on the couch that I would buckle in for "Deadwood Time". I will admit it was a poor effort on my part. I should probably revisit Deadwood and give it a better effort. I don't know. Maybe The VelociPastor will be different. I wonder if this movie is good for kids. Only 7 stars because I have not seen this movie.

The Royal Nanny (2022 TV Movie)

What was going on in this movie?????

[2/10 · 30 December 2022]

This was apparently a Christmas movie. I am not sure what happened in the last 30 minutes of this movie, which was all my wife and I watched. I think it had something to do with drugs. The Prince of England ended up kissing the special agent at the end (and I suspect they went off to make a baby because, while they were kissing, the doors closed to keep out the viewing audience, but my wife does not think they went baby-making).

My favorite part of the movie was when the prince showed the nanny his collection of items he purchased from the Seasonal aisle at Rite Aid. My kids love those singing, light-up items in Rite Aid, but since I'm not a prince, I cannot afford to buy them all of those knick knacks. This movie had a lot of Christmas decorations in the background while everyone was trying to figure out how to rescue the kidnapped prince. That is what made this a magical Christmas movie. Thankfully, no guns were used in this movie.

The Christmas Contest (2021 TV Movie)

The Tree Was Upside Down

[5/10 · 5 July 2022]

Well, my wife and I were flipping around the other night, and we caught the last 10 minutes of The Christmas Contest that was on as part of the Christmas in July thing that Hallmark does. We love Christmas in July on Hallmark because it reminds us of what a terrible month July is, and when the Christmas movie ends, we return to being stuck in July with all of its hot weather, terrible smells, and that seagull that ate my sandwich three Summers ago.

We don't know what the Christmas Contest was about, but we gathered that Candace Cameron Bure and the main dude were in a contest decorating trees for $50,000 for charity. Candace decided not to decorate her tree for some reason, and the main dude decorated his and then hung it upside down. This was good enough for a tie according to whoever was judging this train wreck. The best part, though, was when Candace asked the main dude why his tree was upside down, and he replied, "Isn't it obvious? It's because you turn my whole world upside down." Then they began passionately kissing while jointly holding a giant check for $50K. My wife and I could not stop laughing. What if Candace Cameron Bure didn't ask him why his tree was upside down? What if she assumed he was just an idiot? I am guessing that the rest of the movie was just as hilarious, and I cannot wait to see it on Hallmark again. Bravo, Hallmark!

Christmas Sail (2021 TV Movie)

This Might Be The Worst Movie About Christmas Sailing Ever

[1/10 · 11 November 2021]

My wife and I flipped to the Hallmark Channel the other night and caught the last five minutes of this movie. We weren't sure what was going on in the movie. When we turned it on, there was a sailboat gliding across the water with Christmas lights and images of a child projected on the sail. Despite not seeing much of the movie at all, we both decided that this was the worst Christmas sailing movie ever made (even worse than Ghost Ship). The actors clearly took lessons on phoning in a performance. And the sailboat was not believable at all. Sure it was a real boat, but it did not make me BELIEVE it was a real boat. It makes me sick thinking about all the actors rolling around naked on the piles of money they got paid for being in Christmas Sail. Hopefully they put that money toward something good - like providing sailboats for orphans.

Christmas in Vienna (2020 TV Movie)

So Many Things Wrong with this Christmas Thriller

[2/10 · 4 December 2020]

My wife and I turned this movie on when it was showing on the Hallmark Channel on two separate occasions, and both times, we turned it on at the same part of the movie - sometime toward the end - maybe with 25 minutes or so left. We were unsure what was happening both times we watched it, but we both agreed that the male lead character, I think his name was Johnny Starch Shirt, did not seem like a great love interest for the violin player who also seemed to be Starch Shirt's nanny or something like that. Anyways, they kissed at the end

My wife and I tuned into Christmas in Vienna because we thought it would be like the Hallmark movie Christmas in Rome, which starred Lacy Chabert, who played a plucky tour guide in Rome who found love with some guy. Now THAT is a Christmas movie. But Vienna is nothing like Rome, and Christmas in Vienna is is clearly the garbage version of Christmas in Rome. We aren't sure if this movie was actually filmed in Vienna. My wife said that the backdrop looked like the worst place on Earth. I googled "Worst Place on Earth", and Libya came up as the worst place to visit in 2020. So this movie should just be called "Christmas in Libya". I'm not even sure Libya could put up with Johnny Starch Shirt, but the worst place on Earth is probably the only place for the worst male lead in Hallmark Christmas movie history. So Merry Christmas, I guess.

The Mistletoe Secret (2019 TV Movie)

Kellie Pickler Saved Christmas for Me

[9/10 · 2 January 2020]

This Mistletoe Movie was already high on my radar due to its all-star cast of Chin Implant Guy (who had starred in Merry Matrimony), Bearded Guy (who my wife said has been in other movies), and some other people. But it was Kellie Pickler who stole the show and made me remember why we have Christmas. My wife and I only watched about 15 minutes of this movie after we stumbled upon it on the Hallmark Channel, but we were both struck by Kellie Pickler's acting chops. My wife teared up every time Kellie had a line, and I must admit that I was misty-eyed by her performance as well. There was even one point where we both stood up and applauded at this movie in our living room before we eventually changed the channel to find something else to watch. Kellie really carried Bearded Guy and Chin Implant through this performance. You could really tell that she loved Christmas. Even though we watched this movie yesterday, I don't remember what it is about. But Kellie Pickler has solidified her status as the second most important woman in the history of Christmas (behind the virgin Mary).

Picture a Perfect Christmas (2019 TV Movie)

The Beard That Should Never Have Been Grown

[5/10 · 22 November 2019]

My wife and I watched parts of this movie the other night. We got the Hallmark Channel just to watch Christmas movies, so we locked this movie into our peripheral vision while we did other stuff. We did watch directly at times, though, because we could not take our eyes off the lead actor's beard. It looked like it was either attacking his face or trying to escape from his face. In either case, it didn't look like it belonged on his face. We were both fascinated with it and repulsed by it. I have seen some crazy beards in my time, but this one was the most insane. It didn't seem to bother the female lead, though, as the fire in her loins was definitely burning for Beardy.

Other than that beard, the other thing that kind of creeped me out was the grandma. She was constantly trying to make her granddaughter's loins burn for her neighbor (Beardy). The problem is that the granddaughter was dating someone else. That didn't matter to Old Mabel as she was constantly pushing her granddaughter into cheating on her boyfriend with Mabel's neighbor. Give it a rest, Mabel!

Anyways, we did not watch the end of the movie, so I cannot give my thoughts on the ending. I assume that there were mutual loin fires from the two lead characters. And hopefully, Beardy was visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve and woke up the next morning and shaved his face.

Christmas Wishes and Mistletoe Kisses (2019 TV Movie)

What is This Woman's Career?

[1/10 · 19 November 2019]

I first have to admit that my wife and I didn't watch Christmas Wishes and Mistletoe Kisses in its entirety. At times during this movie, we switched around to the Food Network, NFL Football on NBC, The Walking Dead on AMC, something on CBS, QVC, TLC, CSPAN, HGTV, MTV, DDT, XYZ, and BNDAWP-TV. We also missed the beginning of the movie as it started after I got off the phone with Spectrum in order to get the Hallmark Channel back.

Anyways, we watched enough of it to be sick of the female lead and her ineptness at being an interior designer. She went on some rant to her future employer about how they really screwed up by not hiring her as an interior designer, and then, when she got the job because of her spunk, she was an awful interior designer who needed approval for every Christmas light she hung. My wife was furious, and it is only mid-November! Surprisingly, my wife went to bed with 10 minutes left in this movie, but I stayed up to watch the end. When Rich Big-House Guy finally proclaimed his love, the female lead looked like she was just told that trees are brown. She could not have cared less.

My wife, despite her reaction to this woman's poor job performance, did actually rate this movie a 7 on a scale of 1 to 15. I give it a 1, and that's only after rounding up my original score, which was less than 1 but greater than .5.

Summer in the City (2016 TV Movie)

Not sure if she made it in the Big City....

[2/10 · 1 October 2018]

My wife and I watched this movie a few weeks ago as the Hallmark Channel was "celebrating Summer" or something like that. This movie started at 11:00 at night, so I could only watch about 30 minutes of it. My wife watched a bit more than 30 minutes of it, but she didn't watch the ending because it was on pretty late. When you have things to do early in the morning, sometimes you just can't stay up and watch "Summer in the City" in its entirety. For the part I watched, I gave the movie 8 thumbs down. However, my wife gave the movie (which she watched a little more of than me) 10 thumbs up. So that leaves a final rating of two thumbs up between my wife and me.

This movie was about a woman who is running a small town Ohio clothing store when Vivica A. Fox, who runs a large Manhattan clothing store, inexplicably hires the small-town girl to run her big-city store. It then became a question of "Will she make it in the Big City?" That question was posed by me to my wife several times throughout the parts of this movie that I watched. My wife charitably fielded this question from me over and over again and always responded "Well, I don't know....." Eventually the main character started to make it in the Big City, so my question of "Will she make it in the Big City?" turned into me proclaiming to my wife "She's making it in the big city!" I assume that there was some kind of conflict, resolution, and romance in this movie, but I didn't stay up to watch it. My wife didn't watch the ending either, so we both assume that the main character died, probably when a piece of the Empire State Building broke off and crushed her head.

Bride Wars (2009)

I'm Pregnant! No way, I'm pregnant! We're both PREGNANT!

[3/10 · 28 March 2018]

So this movie was on TBS a few weeks ago, and my wife and I flipped to it to watch the last 15 minutes of it. I had never seen it before, but my wife had. She quickly walked me through the storyline of this Oscar-nominee, right up to the point where Anne Hathaway is walking down the aisle when a home movie of her acting drunk was projected above the alter. I guess this was all Kate Hudson's doing, and, since Kate Hudson was getting married across the hall at the same hotel, and walking down the aisle at the same time, Anne Hathaway decided to run over to Kate Hudson's wedding and beat the tar out of her. I have to admit, it was pretty entertaining. However, Anne Hathaway stopped beating up Kate Hudson when she realized that they were best friends. Makes sense. Anne Hathaway then got up and dumped her fiance at Kate Hudson's wedding. I guess beating up your best friend at her wedding can really make you realize that you don't love the man who proposed to you.

Anyways, the biggest mystery for me was, if they are best friends, don't they have mutual friends? And if so, which wedding did their mutual friends attend? To me it seems terrible to make your friends choose sides and miss one wedding. And that, to me, makes Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson two of the worst human beings to ever live on this planet.

The only reason my wife and I watched was to get to the last part where bother Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson meet for lunch a year later and reveal to each other that they are both pregnant, and their babies are due on the same day!!!!! (cue screaming) While this may seem improbably to the casual movie-goer (wedding on the same day AND a baby on the same day??!?!?), this scenario is actually quite common. According to the internet, it happens to pairs of best friends approximately 700 times every year. So I am glad that a movie was finally made to bring this common problem to the mainstream. With increased awareness, we can stamp out this problem for good. Thanks to Bride Wars, lives will be saved. Huzzah!

Anne Hathaway was also in the movie "Interstellar".

Christmas Next Door (2017 TV Movie)

Never Underestimate the Power of the Side Part!

[5/10 · 3 January 2018]

My wife and I settled in for some festive TV watching a couple of weeks ago, and we landed on Christmas Next Door from the Hallmark Channel. However, we also had things to do, so we only watched parts of this movie over the course of two hours. By the time the movie was over, I estimate that I had watched about 18 minutes of this actual movie, and my wife probably watched about 12 minutes. There was some overlap in our watching, but there were also some parts one of us watched while the other person was doing something in another room. Together, we pretty much got the gist of the story.

It seems that the guy in the story, who early on had his black hair completely slicked back, did not have the Christmas spirit, and did not like decorating for Christmas. There was some annoying man who lived on Slicked-Back's block who wanted to decorate the front of his house for him, but Slicked-Back was having none of it. After not watching for a little while, my wife and I tuned in to find a blonde woman, who also lived on that block, talking to her sister about how Slicked-Back doesn't like to decorate. This part was troubling to me, and I honestly feared for Slicked-Back's life at that point. It seemed that the whole neighborhood was obsessed with him. I was afraid that the neighbors were going to drug him, kidnap him, and perform medical experiments on him where they tried to make him part reindeer. I imagine that they probably would have attached the antlers to his head, kept his face in tact, given him a reindeer torso, kept his human arms and legs, and then attached hooves. Sleep with one eye open, Slicked-Back!

I guess my fear wasn't so great that I had to keep watching because we stopped paying attention to the movie for a while. When we started watching again, Slicked-Back was still alive, BUT he was hanging out with the blonde woman enjoying Christmas carols AND his hair went from being slicked back to an even side part. This encapsulated the main character's transition from being a bad boy who was too cool for xmas to the side-parted teddy bear who wanted nothing more than to buy the prized goose for Bob Cratchit's family. My wife noticed this too, and we both instantly knew that Side-Part had found the true meaning of Christmas. I was so moved that immediately hugged my daughter, but she was busy tearing napkins to shreds and therefore did not seem to care about my hug.

Crown for Christmas (2015 TV Movie)

Danica McKeller Made Me Believe Again!

[10/10 · 2 January 2018]

My wife and I watched this movie this past weekend as Hallmark's countdown to Christmas was counting down to ending for the year. It's always a little sad to see the Christmas movie marathon end after two months, but life goes on. Anyways, my wife and I were both surprised that Hallmark portrayed the only black guy in the entire fictional country that king was from as the bad guy. Usually, black people in Hallmark movies are cast as being supportive and sassy friends to the lead female role who is either discovering the true meaning of Christmas or helping a love interest discover the true meaning of Christmas. But not this guy. He was evil to the core. He was always looking around evilly. And this guy was constantly conniving with that awful lady who wanted to put the king's daughter in boarding school so that she could have the king to herself. She was truly a Christmas villain. You can tell that she's murdered multiple people in her past.

My wife and I both wondered what happened to Danica McKeller's family that she left in "Brooklyn" to be the governess for the King of Hillshire Farms. We both drew the conclusion that Danica's brother and sister were tossed out for not paying rent, and that they were now dealing drugs and panhandling in order to pay for food and/or their burgeoning crack addictions. Well, Danica can probably help them get through rehab now that she is going to be a queen. Danica did a splendid job of making the king fall in love with her in one week. Also, did the king ride a horse to her hotel to pick her up at the end? Does he not need security detail? Is Hillshire Farms that safe? And what kind of currency do they use in that country?

Fortunately, these unanswered questions did not take away any stars from my review of this movie. Crown for Christmas made me believe in Santa Clause again, and it reminded my wife that Christmas is about the birth of Christ. Ho ho ho and Joyeux Noel to all!

Pompeii (I) (2014)

When is the Stupid Volcano Going to Erupt???

[4/10 · 24 July 2017]

My wife turned this movie on last week when it was playing on the Syfy channel. When I came into the room where my wife was watching, I did a double-take because my wife doesn't really watch the Syfy channel that much. I was like, "Syfy....whaaat??" It turns out my bride was watching Pompeii, and she was steaming angry. The movie was scheduled to run from 1:00 PM to 3:00 PM on the Syfy channel, and my wife was mad that it was already 2:04 PM and the stupid volcano had not erupted yet. Instead there was a ridiculous gladiator scene going on the screen to amuse the "Roman Senator" Kiefer Sutherland (side note: when I saw Kiefer Sutherland, I was like "Kiefer Sutherland....whaaat?"). The clock hit 2:15 PM, and my wife's blood lust for death by volcano had still not been satisfied. Finally, the volcano blew at 2:24 PM, giving us viewers only 36 minutes (including commercials) to revel in the mass destruction and death caused by Vesuvius. One of the first casualties of the volcano was Carrie-Anne Moss, who was also inexplicably in this film. I think I heard Carrie-Anne Moss say one sentence from the time I started watching at 2:04 PM and the time she died 25 minutes later. Later, Carrie-Anne Moss!

I think my wife's anger slowly faded as more and more people were murdered by that evil volcano. She probably would have enjoyed the volcano blowing during the opening credits, but I guess there had to be some kind of love story that included Kiefer Sutherland woven in. I actually think it would be fun to see a movie where the volcano exploded during the opening credits and, as soon as the opening credits ended, the closing credits began rolling because everybody died during the opening credits. A movie like that would free up more time for me to watch other movies. And being able to watch other movies is the main reason why I watch movies in the first place.

The Mistletoe Promise (2016 TV Movie)

My July Just Got a Little More Interesting

[7/10 · 23 July 2017]

My wife and I watched some of this movie last night. It was part of Hallmark's bizarre Christmas in July series. To be honest, we had this movie on in the background while we were doing other things. At one point, we both left the room to play with our daughter for about half an hour, and we left this movie on while we were gone. I think we watched a total of 20 minutes of this movie. We were a little miffed that Lacy Chabert was not in this movie, but my wife's anger was somewhat placated by the presence of Jaime King. My wife told me that Jaime King is part of Taylor Swift's "girl squad". I don't know what a girl squad is, but it sounds scary. Taylor Swift, according to my wife, is pretty washed up, so that begs the question: if you are a has- been, as Taylor Swift is at this moment, how can you possibly sustain a "squad"? I hope Taylor Swift puts out another album so that she is not abandoned by her squad, turns to drugs and prostitution, begins murdering endangered species for their pelts, and then spends the rest of her life in prison.

I'm not entirely sure what happened in the Mistletoe Promise. At the end, Jaime King was kissing someone, and I assume that she wasn't kissing the villain of the movie. So I highly recommend this movie either in July or during the Christmas season. If not for your own enjoyment, then at least watch it to save Taylor Swift's life.

The Forest (I) (2016)

When you have a twin, you're gonna win!

[9/10 · 18 January 2016]

The Forest is a movie about twins who go into a forest. One twin goes into the forest, and then her sister, who is also her twin, goes into the forest after her when the first twin does not come out. This movie made me believe in twins again. They looked exactly the same! The last movie that I saw about twins was the movie "Twins", which starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. In that movie, Arnold and Danny looked nothing alike. There is no way the Japanese would help Danny DeVito out if he showed the woman at the nature lodge a picture of Arnold and said that he was Arnold's twin. The Forest could have gotten that tenth star out of me if they had a crossover with the movie Twins. Perhaps Arnold could be the guide for one of the twins through the Forest and then she hallucinates seeing Danny DeVito and then Danny DeVito turns out to be real and then Arnold starts crying because he had not seen DeVito since 1988, when the movie Twins came out. And then at the end, the two sets of twins walk out of the forest hand-in-hand-in- hand-in-hand. And if they shared a Twix, which has identical looking cookie bars, on their way out of the suicide forest, then I would have stood up and clapped during the closing credits.

The other reason this movie did not get a tenth star from me was the fact that there was a family with little kids sitting in front of my wife and me at the movie. That kids in that family were really little - probably about 6 years old, and at one point, they were really upset at the horror on the screen and wanted to leave. But their idiot parents made them stay! My wife was like, "What's up with that???" I, too, was also wondering what was up with that. Perhaps they thought they were seeing Alvin and the Chipmonks but then committed to The Forest after watching 10 minutes of it. Perhaps they forgot their kids were at the movie with them. Whatever their reason for subjecting their children to this movie about demons and suicide, The Forest was an enjoyable movie with a heartfelt message about the power of sisterhood.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas (2015 TV Movie)

James Van Der Beek? Nah, it's just some guy.

[2/10 · 13 December 2015]

At the beginning of the commercial for this movie, which was featured on the Hallmark Channel, my wife and I thought that the lead was being played by James Van Der Beek, who had previously been in the movie "Varsity Blues". But when we actually paid attention to the commercial, we realized that it was just some guy. After watching that commercial, we referred to the that guy as a "poor man's James Van Der Beek". And whenever that commercial came on again, we would always say, "Hey, there's poor man's James Van Der Beek". In reading this IMDb page, I found out that poor man's James Van Der Beek is really named Robin Dunne. I'm not really trying to be insulting to Robin Dunne, or even to James Van Der Beek. It's just that Robin Dunne kind of looks James Van Der Beek when watching him on TV out of the corner of your eye.

I did watch a bit of this movie last night. It seemed that some woman was throwing herself at poor man's James Van Der Beek and he was just kind of shrugging his shoulders. She was also his Secret Santa even though he didn't consent to be in a Secret Santa exchange. Apparently he lost the Christmas spirit some time ago due to his parents joining some Satanic cult on Christmas day when he was younger or something like that. I didn't really pay attention, and my wife was asleep on the couch during the movie as well. We turned it off halfway through.

Personally, I think it would be great to have James Van Der Beek and Robin Dunne, the poor man's James Van Der Beek, over to dinner so that we could talk about how they look somewhat alike. They would probably get annoyed because that is all I would want to talk about at dinner, but whatever - I am feeding them, so they should be open to talking about what I'm interested in. Besides, I make a mean pot roast, so that would be worth sitting around for three hours and talking about how they have some similar features.

Angel of Christmas (2015 TV Movie)

She Lives in New York??!??!!

[3/10 · 13 December 2015]

Christmas Angel is about a newspaper staffer who is trying to catch her big break by writing some story about her grandmother's wooden angel as this is apparently what the New York Times will run as their front page story. The angel kind of looks like a man in a woman's wig, but we won't focus on that aspect of the movie too much. I had a hard time believing that this newspaper staffer, who supposedly has not caught her big break, somehow lives in a giant apartment in Manhattan furnished by Jennifer Convertibles. The average rent in Manhattan topped $3,700/month this year; there is no way a struggling newspaper staffer would be able to afford her posh apartment in Soho. My wife also furiously pointed out that there is no way that she can come and go from her parent's house in the suburbs and be back in her huge Manhattan apartment on the night before her big article is due as if she was just driving down the block. How does she even own a car??? Parking alone would probably cost her annual salary. And then she goes to Murphysport, of all places, on Christmas Eve with no traffic! And this artist, who the movie established as someone who doesn't have his own studio somehow has this enormous cabin in Murphytown in upstate New York!! My wife and I were enraged at this beyond-belief fictional representation of New York City. I had supplemental rage at the fact that she was given something like two weeks to write this puff piece for the New York Times. That doesn't seem realistic. Her editor must have owed Struggling Susie a favor or something.

Also, this movie needed more Patrick Muldoon. Patrick Muldoon was not in this movie at all, and, as one of the great Christmas movie actors of our generation, he would have really provided the spark that this movie lacked. Though it was a close call, this movie, fortunately, did not ruin Christmas for my wife and me. My wife did threaten to kick the TV, but I talked her down with the promise of hot cocoa.

Merry Matrimony (2015 TV Movie)

This is My 2nd Review of the Day

[2/10 · 22 November 2015]

I rated another holiday movie earlier today, so I am almost all out of Christmas cheer. But I mustered some up to review Merry Matrimony even though my wife and I watched about 50% of it. There was an NFL game that we were sort of watching at the same time, so we kept flipping back and forth between the game and Merry Matrimony. The game featured the Bengals and the Cardinals, and even though we have no rooting interest in either team, there were some players on my fantasy football team that I wanted to check in on. As of this writing, those players have accounted for 15.83 fantasy football points for me. Here's hoping that they add a few touchdowns to my point total before the game ends.

As for the movie, I just want to echo what my wife says about the main male character's jaw and how it is not real. She insisted that he had a chin implant. I wasn't so sure, but I changed my mind during this one scene where he and the female love interest are in a horse carriage going to Central Park. He tilted his head upwards, and there was definitely a scar on the bottom of his chin. An implant scar! My wife and I collectively gasped for 25 seconds when we saw that. It looks like he stuffed an entire steel bear trap into his jaw.

Anyways, there is love in the air in this movie. They are in New York, which is a pretty romantic place, so they would be a couple of morons if they don't end up with each other. And with that cash register of a jaw, the lead male character has everything he could possibly want. But for Christmas, I am getting him some scar cream.

Christmas on the Bayou (2013 TV Movie)

Only saw 20 minutes, but what a 20 minutes it was!

[5/10 · 22 November 2015]

My wife loves this movie based on the 20 minutes we saw. There is some crazy bayou action going on the screen right now. It makes Louisiana look like Bethlehem during the birth of Christ. My wife is convinced that swamp people are not really this beautiful. Maybe this movie is set in a special members-only section of the bayou.

The woman in this movie is clearly in her shell, probably due to her battle with drugs or possibly her son's father walking out on her, so she does not want to accept Tyler Hilton's magic light-up boat ride. But now at the end she is kissing him. Ed Asner plays a very convincing Santa. His monologue about the meaning of Christmas ranks right up there with Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. This movie, in my conclusion, is better than "No Strings Attached", which stars Ashton Kutcher. We watched 10 minutes of that movie, and not even the presence of Ludicrous could get us in the Christmas spirit. Christmas on the Bayou really got us in the holiday spirit by 10%, which is a lot more than I can say about that awful other movie "No Strings Attached". 5 stars because we didn't watch the whole thing.

A Haunting at Silver Falls (2013)

A Whodunit...And a Rollicking Good Time for the Entire Family!

[9/10 · 11 November 2015]

Lifetime showed this movie for free on demand. I did not know that Lifetime showed horror movies, but then I realized why this fits the Lifetime motto of "Television for Women" because there were women in this movie. There were dead women, teenage women, crazy killer adult women - this movie had them all!

Anyways, this movie was bizarre. Who was the crazy killer woman? Was it Jordan's aunt? If not, then how did Jordan come to live with her after her mom died? Did the woman and her husband, who killed Jordan's mom, just say to somebody in Los Angeles that they wanted to adopt this teenager? And then they lock her in the bathroom with pennies while they go out on a date night of doing blow and playing mini golf?

My wife and I agree that Jordan dating that guy in the glasses was ridiculous. He was clearly out of his league, and he swung a shovel like he had no bones in his wrist. I googled "A Haunting at Silver Falls Academy Awards" and was surprised to find that this movie won none - not even for the guy in the glasses. Personally, I would have given the Wearing Glasses Award to the guy in the glasses. It was a bold move to start making out with Jordan in the basement while those twin ghosts tore her "aunt" and "uncle" to shreds. Well played, guy in glasses. Well played.

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

That Butler Just Butled His Way Out of My Heart

[2/10 · 14 October 2015]

My wife and I watched the end of this movie, which was on FX, the other day, and we were particularly outraged by the scene with the butler talking to James Franco about cleaning his father's wound. The butler said that the wound came from his own blade. Therefore, he must have killed himself. That was the dumbest part of this movie. My wife thought that the butler's character was poorly acted. I also thought he could use some work on his acting. My wife was exasperated by the fact that a big-budget movie with so many stars (i.e. James Franco) would then pay such a low-rent actor to play the part of the butler who then had to tell a story about cleaning James Franco's father's wound. And somehow the butler, who wasn't there when James Franco's father died, used his butler skills to deduce that James Franco's father committed suicide. I mean, c'mon! Just because you know how to clean a wound doesn't make you a detective or a therapist. That butler ruined a perfectly good afternoon of watching FX for me. I stewed about this on my couch for a good two hours. My wife also stewed about this, but she did it in a different room.

The Awakening (I) (2011)

My Wife and I are Confused

[4 October 2015]

The Awakening is a movie about a woman who hates ghosts but then sees ghosts and the ghosts turn out to be her family members. There were many confusing parts to this movie, but the most confusing thing was how Rebecca Hall, who was born in London according to her wikipedia page, sounded like an American trying to create a British accent rather than a British woman who was born in Great Britain and talking normally. That baffled me in the beginning of the movie, and my wife agreed with me when I said she was American. And I was extremely surprised (and my wife was mildly surprised) when I looked Rebecca Hall up on wikipedia and saw that she was called a "Britsh-American" actress who was born in "London".

The movie itself made no sense. She may have been a ghost at the end. I don't know. At least she did kill that groundskeeper. That guy was bad news. And apparently he faked an injury to get out of the war, and that was important for some reason. I wanted to watch this movie because it is October and I wanted a good scare. Now I just want to cry.

The Heartbreak Kid (2007)

This Movie was on TBS

[2/10 · 17 May 2015]

I hate this movie. My wife hates it too. We are watching it on TBS right now. We will probably continue to torture ourselves by continuing to watch it. On TBS. The acting done by Michelle Monaghan is the saving grace of this movie, but even she is only somewhat believable. Ben Stiller is not funny. He has problems. We all have problems, but Ben Stiller's are many and varied. Ben Stiller keeps leaving his wife alone so that he can be with that other woman, played by Michelle Monaghan, whose acting is good but not great. Ben Stiller is a cad. My wife told me that he is a jerk. I agree. She is asking me to change the channel. But the remote might not. We'll see how we are doing in our quest to change the channel. Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen. There will be an update. We might not finish this movie.