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It Chapter Two (2019)
Please, Stop
That's what I spent most of the movie thinking. Just...stop. Just...don't.
I came to the cinema excited, certain that I was in for a great movie. I was wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong. Throughout the first maybe thirty minutes I was bored - the movie took its sweet time gearing up, but still I held onto hope that the latter parts would make up for it, but as the movie droned on, my hopes slowly dwindled. At the end I was squirming in my seat, bored out of my mind and wishing for all the main characters to just die so that I would be released from this torture.
As I watched, I tried desperately to figure out just what was it about the movie that made it so...bland. What was the main difference between the first IT movie, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and this one, which I was thoroughly disappointed by? And I think I figured it out. Of course, the movie has more than just one problem. The characters, Bill Hader's in particular, were bland at best and infuriating at most, and the predictable attempts at comic relief just irritated me. As a viewer, I could see most of the one-liners and half-baked punchlines coming from a mile away, and in my opinion, and all of the jokes just seemed so out of place.
The story line was dragged out, it was repetitive and mostly uninteresting, with the same jumpscares and just what were those zombie thingies? They were laughable. And when you find yourself smothering a laugh when you're supposed to be scared, that's how you know a horror movie SUUUUCKS.
Anyway, back to the main reason this movie blows. A story, which worked so very well when its main protagonists were children, just doesn't work when the kids have been replaced with adults. Perhaps it's because the main villain takes on the form of a clown, and a clown chasing adults just seems...silly somehow. I know, I know, it can be done, has been done very well, but Pennywise just doesn't cut it. The clown is a great character, and he pretty much carried the movie, but his creepiness, his malice, "shines" the most when he's interacting with children. The way he talks to them, the way he lures them in, the balloons...it all just sends shivers down your spine. But with adults, not so much. The filmmakers perhaps realized that themselves, beause there is very little interaction of Pennywise with the Losers club until the very end, and the main characters are mostly chased around by weird zombies and an asylum escapee, who...you know what, let's not get into that.
And the movie doesn't even give Pennywise a proper send-off. The way he's defeated is childish and laughable and annoying all at once - which can again be mostly chalked up to the fact that the main protagonists are adults. Holding hands and chanting? Overcoming their fears and realizing that without their own fear, Pennywise is nothing? Those aren't exactly grown-up methods.
The final scenes were just painful. I wanted to leave.
There are many other little and bigger things I was annoyed at, but the movie was mostly just bland, like your average C-grade horror movie. It's kind of sad.
PS. Stanley, what the frick? "I am scared I'm going to die, so I'll just kill myself?" How is that a conclusion you came to?
Also, don't call yourselves the Losers Club, PLEASE. You're adults now, the irony isn't cute anymore.
Deadpool 2 (2018)
Hot Pile of Garbage
I was excited for this movie; at first. I'd seen the first movie, loved it, it was really original and fun to watch. It brought a lot of new elements to the tired superhero genre and it felt really fresh and new. And this is precisely the part where the sequel disappointed me so much. The over-the-top violence, cringy one-liners about poop and piss and grief-induced butt touching just didn't pack the same punch now that we've seen it all before. Gross regrowth of limbs and references to 'baby balls' just couldn't compare to the same brand of off-coloured humour we saw in the first movie and everything that works so effortlessly there needs to be hammered home so heavily here that the jokes just stop being even remotely funny. Moreover, the movie attempts to deal with mature and serious topics in a completely immature and goofy way, so any emotional impact they might've had is lost. Deadpool's silly one-liners have become terribly predictable, the character is consequently incredibly annoying and what was probably intended to be a heart-warming ending just turns into a cringe fest. I honestly couldn't wait for the movie to be over. Aside from Deadpool and Cable (ugh, that's all I have to say about that), the only noteworthy character is Domino, who actually does have some entertaining scenes, even though her bad-assery is a bit forced and heavy-handed. She actually does have a cool superpower, and it's something that fits nicely into the silly Deadpool universe.
Overall, the movie is a letdown all around.
Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
Thoroughly Disappointed
This movie has certainly made history. A film that has so much going on and still manages to be boring just has to be some sort of a record. I went to the cinema with so much hope and enthusiasm and left wishing I'd kept my cash instead. The fact that so many characters leave no room for any sort of character development probably comes as a surprise to no one, and yet every single person in the film managed to annoy me at one point or another. The only exception to that rule was Stephen Strange, whom I've come to completely adore. I've always disliked Tony Stark so I was truly sorry I didn't get to see him disappear in a cloud of poop-colored dust but at that point I was almost beyond the point of caring. Black Widow, another one of mine top runners for the character I despise the most, thankfully did not have much screen time, and yet more than most. Spider Man - more like Pathetic Spider Boy, amirite - was once more delegated to being Iron Man's most faithful groupie, and poor Bucky had maybe three minutes of screen time (after finding out that Hawkeye was not actually in the movie, he was basically the main reason why I really wanted to see this steaming pile of hot garbage, so another disappointment there).
Also, considering the number of characters who died in this, we can be almost certain that they won't stay dead, otherwise Marvel wouldn't have anybody to make movies about anymore, unless they want to bring about Squirrel Girl. So any emotional impact any deaths may have caused was non-existent. Most of the jokes fell flat, and even though the storylines were woven together almost masterfully, it did nothing to disguise the fact that this flick was basically just another pathetic cash grab. And boring to boot.
And to add insult to injury, after I sat through the entire credits, I was treated to the promise of Captain Marvel. Horay. We don't need another character up in here, we really don't. And especially not Carl Manvers.
Not worth the cash, not worth the hype, not worth another word.
Star Trek: Discovery (2017)
Dull and Boring and Stupid and Just...Ugh
I am not a big Star Trek fan. Everything I know about the Star Trek world comes from the new movies, I have not watched the original series and I don't plan to, because the low production value just puts me off. But even I can tell that this is as far from Star Trek as you can get - and the worst thing about it is the main character. I hate that Michael person (the name just makes me cringe, too), she's so unlikeable it's baffling. Arrogant, stupid, intellectually inconsistent (I mean, in the first episode she was the first one who suggested that the damage of the satellite relay was just a trap for the Federation ship that comes to investigate - and then when they found a vessel nearby, hiding from their sensors and somebody suggested that they're probably hostile, she throws a hissy fit. I can't be the only one who found that just dumb.) She's clearly emotionally unstable and unfit for the position of First Officer. I mean, she is UNABLE to listen. She just does everything her way and messes things up because she's not capable of comprehending the notion that other people could be right and she could be wrong. Just seeing her on the screen made me want to claw my eyes out - and all those scenes with her and the captain made me want to barf. The two of them cared more about emotionally supporting each other more than about commanding the ship. The USS What'sitsname should've imploded years ago, with these two idiots in command. Not to mention the fact that Michael McStupid killed a Klingon (on a Klingon vessel) and nobody seemed to give a what. One could argue that the reason the war started was because the First officer of a Starfleet vessel saw it fit to just knife a Klingon in the chest. The show is dumb, dumb, stupid and dumb.
Cabin Fever (2016)
Hey, I Liked This (Please Don't Kill Me)
I will be the first to admit that when it comes to movies, my tastes are strange, to say the least. But I really did enjoy this film (I even came back for seconds) and I think it's...entertaining. That's the only adjective I can think of at the moment so it'll just have to do. I have not seen the original (nor do I plan to), so I have nothing to compare this to, but in my eyes this flick was everything it was supposed to be. It wasn't that scary, but it was certainly gory, and that definitely counts for something, it was creepy, it was just cool. I say give it a shot - you won't regret it. (I already know you're going to watch it - it's got Matt Daddario, c'mon.)
The Mist (2017)
Surprisingly good
It has barely anything in common with the Stephen King novel, let me preface it with that. There are certain elements clearly derived from the book, but the main plot line is completely new, there are new characters, gender swaps and many more interesting (and sometimes baffling) changes. There were many things I disliked - total lack of any likable characters, for example. The best are those who don't make you want to tear out your hair in frustration. That's how low the bar is. However, what I appreciate most about this series is how it manages to always surprise me. That might actually be saying more about the level of my intelligence, but it's entertaining. There are so many great, amazing TV shows out there that I would gladly pass upon (I'm talking to you, Game of Thrones) if I could just get a few more season of this little gem.
Alien: Covenant (2017)
What the Hell Have I Just Seen?
You know, this movie really makes you ask the difficult questions, like "What's the meaning of life?" and "Should humanity move over to make space for another dominant species?"...said nobody ever. Instead, it will leave you wondering "Why is everybody so freaking stupid?" and "What's up with that awkward flute scene?" and "Why don't I just go home?" It's definitely the weakest of all the Alien movies and the connection with Prometheus only makes a confusing franchise so much more mind-boggling. And not in the good way. It's trying so hard to be a meaningful, deep movie, that it turns into something so utterly full of itself it's almost unwatchable. Seriously, if this movie was a person, it would probably be just a slightly more condescending version of Jean Paul Sartre. And it's boring, too. However crappy Alien 3 was, it was still entertaining. You know, that kind of a film you know is wack but you'll watch it anyway. Don't watch this. Just don't. Go watch Life instead. You know, that one with Ryan Reynolds.
The Mummy (2017)
Tom Cruise Needs To Retire ASAP
I don't know why I do this to myself. I see an unnecessary remake of a movie I really like - the 1999 Mummy (I mean, I guess that's what it's supposed to be...there is really no connecting factor other than the mummy itself, so...) starring old and tired and desperate-to-prove-he's- still-an-action-hero Cruise and I go: Yeah...let's watch that. Honestly, the one thing that bugged be from the beginning was the fact that that princess whatever the f her name is (SPOILER ALERT) needed to make a pact with the god of death just to knife her dad and an infant. I mean, why bother making questionable deals with deities just to stick a dagger into somebody? Nevermind that, the movie is a drag. In my opinion this is clearly a movie made for audiences outside of the USA, especially for the Chinese audience, because apparently the name Tom Cruise and 'good movie' aren't mutually exclusive in China. Just don't watch this crap. You'll save yourself a couple of brain cells you can spend on the Gods of Egypt. Now that's a good crappy movie.
Ghostbusters (2016)
Go Back to Hell
This is literally the worst movie I have ever seen and I hate myself for seeing it. The four female leads are all just empty shells each with one dominant characteristic - we have the fat one, the quiet nerdy one who tries to fit into a male dominated environment (and fails), the stereotypical black character and the obvious lesbian. The only male actor that has more than five minutes of screen time is Chris Hemsworth, whose character doesn't seem to have two brain cells to rub together, and therefore correctly represents (in the eyes of those sad individuals who stand behind this piece of s**t of a movie)the entire male population. Ironically, he still manages to steal every scene he's in because he's the only person even remotely entertaining. This movie is just bad and I would tell you to avoid it like the plague, but if you're anything like I am, all these bad reviews are probably just making you want to see it even more. Do so at your own peril.