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Reviews
The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016)
Piece of crap
This movie sucks so hard it is pathetic. It is as far some insipid idiot who thought they were great at making movies tried way too hard. I am dumber after watching this movie, and not in a got stoned and feel good way. Just plain dumber. It makes me sick to my stomach, and not in a horror movie thrill kind of way either. The plot was entirely predictable. The voice acting is WAY too over the top without any irony. This movie takes it self way too seriously. I guess I did have some laughs thinking about how someone thought this movie was good enough to release! lol. I am going to film myself throwing crosses at squirrels and making Devilish Satanic voices about how the squirrels are possessed and then pan out to a very large turd in the driveway. All of sudden, blood red eyes will appear in the turd and the squirrels will freak out and run up a tree that has a circular saw running and the squirrels will get cut in half from the saw blade. There, I made a better movie than this.
Pandemic (2016)
Biggest piece of crap ever
This movie was so awful, I had to create an IMDb account just to f*cking let out how much this movie sucked.
The main character was annoying AF and I found myself rooting for the zombies to take her out. The plot was predictable and simple. There was absolutely nothing that set this movie apart from any other post apocalyptic type zombie film. Virus spreads, military takes over, search for survivors, save family blah blah blah.
The only thing this film did a little different was the constant shaky POV camera that made you dizzy and want to vomit. The movie kept taking cheap shots by having zombies pop up out of no where screaming at the POV camera to insight a fear response that was not previously present since you already knew everything that was going to happen if you had ever seen even one zombie genre movie before.
All of the scenes were incoherent and no one was checking continuity. Doors magically opened, people magically appeared on the other side of vehicles, zombies appeared and disappeared. And also despite having about 80 crazy zombies surrounding them at all times, the characters seemed for the most part to escape without ever having to even work that hard at fighting back. Apparently stabbing 2 zombies makes them all run slower and not catch you. And lets please all keep taking as much time as we can having a long conversation with everyone rather than hurry the f*ck up at any point.
I literally started fast forwarding towards the end because I didn't want to devote any more time to this piece of sh*t yet for some reason had a vague interest in watching the main character die. Which, spoiler alert, she did and I cheered.
I liked seeing Theon Grayjoy but if this is the type of movie he is going to work on, I expect his career to be DOA after GoT.
F*ck Pandemic. Mic drop.