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Manifest: Squawk (2022)
We Come From a Land of Dunder
I can accept the plane travelling through time. I can accept the visions, the callings, how Cal travels again and returns older. All of that is fine and is what makes the series.
What I can't accept is that back on the ground in the real world the cops are a bunch of incompetent dunderheads.
Earlier in this season, they were chasing Michaela as she sought to get Henry to a safe place. First, the cops knew about Henry before Michaela did, before she had time to go back to the provisional HQ to let Vance know. Yet the cops didn't act on their info until Michaela grabbed Henry and got into her car. The cops sat on the info for a long time, apparently until several doughnut breaks were over. Then suddenly they go after a highly sought-after individual.
Plus, when the cops were chasing Michaela, they were right on her tail. She got away, but the cops never bothered to follow up with her license plate. Too much paperwork to find out who was helping a high-value target get away, it seems.
In this episode, after the bombs go off, Adrian and Angelina are still unaccounted for. Angelina is a murderer and a kidnapper, but instead of going back into the building to look for her and Adrian, everybody just leaves so Adrian can come out, get in his car, drive away, and find Angelina, who they also just let walk away.
This series is full of stuff like this. A lot of effort into the fantastical elements while the real life elements leave you wondering if the plane, in order to grant extra perception to the passengers, had to keep the divine ledgers balanced by removing basic common sense from the rest of the world.
Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre (2023)
Minimum character limit met
It would be fun if Hollywood would make a movie unlike a thousand others. That is to say, unlike Operation Fortune, a move we have seen over and over with different actors and different scripts. You know, the same old snappy dialog. What passes as witty banter. The nonchalant hip. Baddies can't shoot. Cleavage girl. Lame jokes.
At times simple plot. Then complex plot. Like one minute every computer in the world lays open with all its secrets to the whiz cleavage girl then suddenly to fluff up the flick they need to go in with a USB, sneak past baddies who fortunately all fell asleep and install an app direct on the device. Hack all phones in the universe, send fake messages, block calls. Except when suddenly Jason Statham must get within 50 feet so "we can rely off your phone" or some such other madeup techno gobblegook.
Enters Hugh Grant and if wasn't for him this thing would be a complete waste. As it is, he saves the day with his awesome billionaire portrayal. Good job Mr. Hugh. And Josh Hartnett, too. Kudos. But Statham is Statham, one note, one size, same guy we've seen in lots of flicks, his shtick on the moldy side. Cleavage girl is cleavage girl, same girl with other names that we've seen so many times before because it's a Hollywood rule or something.
And the plot is the same plot that's been done over and over. Spy team rescue, want a vacation, can't have one cause we need you buddy, and then finally okay good job. See you in the sequel.
Tethered (2021)
Beyond Atrocious
There's rarely a move I can't finish, but this move is one of those few exceptions. Horrible acting and direction with characters never taking a moment to consider a response, just rattling off their lines like they're late for lunch. No facial expressions, no reaction in their eyes, nothing.
And with dialog like "Hello detectives, what can I do for you detectives, would you like to come in detectives, and have a seat detectives" it's clear the writers have no idea how people actually talk.
Stinky.
The Refuge (2019)
Will Drive You...Crazy
So some guy's got a car, you see. And it's a real nice car. maybe a Dodge Charger or something like that. And he drives his car. He drives it left, he drives it right, he drives it straight.
And when he gets done driving his car, he drives it some more. I'm not kidding. He really knows how to drive all over Los Angeles, looking both ways at the intersections, spinning the wheel sometimes with one hand. Can you believe it? One hand.Wow.
Mostly the camera's in the back seat, but once it a while, they move the camera to the front seat. To the front seat! Can you believe that? I mean how cool is that? Camera in the back seat with a guy driving all over Los Angeles real carefully so he doesn't get any tickets AND camera in the front seat with a guy driving all over Los Angeles real carefully so he doesn't get any tickets. That's really something.
It doesn't get any more exciting than this, folks. Seriously, it doesn't get any more exciting. I mean, that's it. That's the movie. Some guy driving around Los Angeles, looking all serious and wooden, making his way down small streets, big streets, medium size streets. Really exciting part was when he turned left onto Hollywood Blvd. That was awesome. A left turn onto the actual real Hollywood Blvd with the green light. That was the best part. I almost peed.
So if you're ready for some forever and forever car cam action going all over L.A. at night real carefully so no cops come out or anything like that, this is your movie. Did I mention how he spins the wheel with one hand?
The Last Boy (2019)
Last Boy - A Full On Bore Fest
Usually like me some post apocalyptic movie; pretty good stuff. Not this one. Whoa hey dull as a boulder and done badly too. Watch out. The wind will get you. That's an acceptable premise and to avoid the wind it's off to the place that grants wishes. Well, okay. Let's go.
But Sira, the so called last boy in this movie, just shuffles onward like he's getting up half asleep in the middle of the night for a glass of water instead of trying to avoid the windy menace. Every other line is "I don't know." A group of creepy cultists comes near and he just goes along with them. Sure. Okay, he says. What the heck. Can't muster the facial expression to care. It's like he's stuck in some boring script and can't wait until it's over.
When Sira meets Lily, they exchange names. They're both from the same acting school of trundling nothingness, but at least it makes sense. Not so when Jay and Jesse show up. They never once introduce themselves yet they call each other by name. Bad writing. Bad directing. Maybe both. Probably both.
Sira has his trusty hand held wind-o-meter that allows him to deflect the bad breeze that turns you to cheap video fade effect dust. I kept wondering when the batteries were going to give out and would have thought - given the device's importance - that Sira would keep a close eye on that. Nope. Just when he's sitting around in his clothes that never get dirty despite sleeping in barns and such, it's "oh no. here it comes. wonder if there's a 7-11 nearby to grab some more AA cells?"
Then Jesse lugs a big machine that looks like some sort of oscilloscope out into the middle of a field. A machine this size is not likely to run on batteries, but luckily there's a thousand yard extension cord running through the grass and she gets to help save the day.
What day? It's just oh hey here's another map and now we can amble somewhere else where the wishes are bigger and the ice cream colder. Fade to black because we've already been there, done that. At least I got to see Jay shoot a hole in a car window. That was exciting.
Bird Box (2018)
Day Old Bird Box Buffet
Oh my god, a tornado of excrement. Worse.
Starts off okay, has some promise. Pregnant Sandra Bullock sees TV people going crazy in Russia and shrugs it off. Can't happen here, she says. Maybe we're too stable, too grounded in reality.
Starts to fall down. Between one Starbucks run and another, suddenly everyone's infected. Nobody explains what / why / how / where or anything. Woman bangs her head bloody against the glass. Man falls on a spike. Wife calmly climbs in a burning car. Kid bangs himself dead over the head with a skateboard. Serious.
You just cannot look at these creatures without wanting to off yourself. But don't ask what creatures? Nobody has a whiff. Neither the writers, the director, or the cast. Take our word for it, they say. It's no good. We got some shadows and spookyish music to get you in the mood, but after that we just don't have a clue.
Still Sandra Bullock strong. Tough, more than macho. Fortunately all powerful malevolent creatures can't pass doors or news-papered windows. Otherwise, we wouldn't have a story; everyone would drink bleach in the first 15 minutes.
Hunkered. Behind the Sacramento doors that evil shall not pass. But food is getting low. And another pregnant woman knocks on the door. Please let me in she says. I've got a little bitty girl in my belly.
John Malkovich. No, no, no, he says. I'm just the merciless neighbor, but I protest. I have no rationale, but someone's got to be the bad guy.
Overruled. Pregnant woman # 2 enters and forces pregnant woman # 1 Sandra Bullock to promise to take care of her baby if something happens. Spoiler: it does.
Meanwhile, gay guy house / shelter owner has a brilliant idea. I'll look at the surveillance cameras stationed around the house like dependent soldiers, Creatures can't hurt me. Digitized signals. Just show the color temperatures of the objects.
Dangerous! Dangerous! everyone shouts, most stridently John Malkovich, but once gay guy house / shelter owner says "it's only pixels", everyone shambles on downstairs with a shrug to see if there's maybe a chance of nookie in the kitchen.
Falls down completely. 100%. The absolute absurd. Bust me with a granite crutch. Just moments after gay guy house / shelter owner declares that his system only shows the color temperatures of the outside objects, there he is, strapped into his desk chair for safety, watching regular black and white surveillance video like you'd see in any 7-11.
Naturally, he succumbs, and from there Bird Box just gets more ridiculous. Never mind consistency. Never mind believability that these unexplained malevolent creatures cause those who gaze upon them to instantly kill themselves except those who don't and instead drive around in gray Nissan sedans screeching tires in the middle of the forest. Never mind the ending. Bird Box suffers from a predictable Hollywood disease. It delivers what could be an interesting story with the assumption that the audience is only comprised of simpletons.
Mortal Engines (2018)
Divergent Meets Max Mad and Has a Baby Star Wars
Rated PG-H for hand holding.
Mortal Engines has some stunning visuals as cities on giant tank treads roam the countryside looking for other cities to gobble into badly need fuel. They need fuel to roam the countryside looking for fuel. At least that's all the circular reasoning we get from the script to explain why mankind lifted London with a giant forklift onto an impressive chassis and retrofitted it with massive engines to roam the countryside looking for... but I repeat myself.
As does the movie. One Deus Ex Machina in an otherwise okay flick I might overlook, but Mortal Engines pulls out all the stops and gives us two or three more. Our young hero (Robert Sheehan) is just about to be crushed into hero jelly by an enormous Southie machine out for a bit of night sport when suddenly a hatch opens in the earth beneath his boots and he falls into safety. Convenient. Later when our young heroine (Hera Hilmar) is on the verge of being sold to a fabulous and fierce looking sausage maker, Anna Fang (rebel leader, played by Jihae Kim who looks very stylish in her post-apocalyptic designer clothes) shows up and saves the day. A few minutes later when Shrike - a resurrected man and probably the most interesting character of all - is about to kill or kidnap the two teenies who are slowly falling in love as teenies must in these flicks, Anna once again shows up in the nick, this time flying the mandatory air machine made from butterfly thread and discarded toasters.
Of course the villain (Hugo Weaving) is very villainous. He commands London as it bustles from place to place and at times he pretends to be good. But he's not very good at pretending to be good and his evil intentions to dominate the world are soon on display for all to see - and cheer.
That's right. As Hugo The Mad is in the midst of slaughtering thousands upon thousands of innocent people who thought they were safe behind their wall (take that Trump!), people stand on the decks of London and shout praise, applauding the carnage. London! London!
Good thing the ancients made a USB drive that stops the evil technology that Hugo re-booted. All that remains is for our heroine to do is plug it in and enter the passcode. Naturally, she has to fumble a bit and not get it right until there's less than one second left on the final countdown. Must be a Hollywood rule or something.
All is well. Anna falls to her doom but not before she has a chance to show people her Hallmark card that says "Not Afraid of Death Because My Spirit is Free" and Hugo The Mad gets smashed to bad grape juice by his own city.
Now the two teenie lovers are free to fly the magical airship into the sequel. The air is clear and the landscape breathtaking as they leave the wreckage and bodies behind. The hell with cleanup, they say. There are other cities to save, other villains to defeat. There are more movie tickets and popcorn to be sold.
The Signal (2014)
The Signal Fades Fast
Yes. I'm the spoiler guy. I make spoils on spoiled films. Don't worry too much please. You've probably already seen this one and are just cruising the reviews looking for confirmation that your perception that this film was a stinker is correct.
It is. Your perception that is. Correct.
Three friends: Crutches, Buck Tooth, and the girl are on a road trip from presumably MIT to somewhere in California when they snag a chance to get back at the evil hacker guy NOMAD who snuck into their servers back at school and spilled their private IP addresses all over the internet.
Something like that. It's not too clear, but that's okay. This isn't a hacker movie thank goodness, although at first I thought it might be. It's more of a teen angst slow motion crap cow that wants to sneak in a few Blair witch moments in between the breakup sads. At least at first.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like me a little continuity in my flicks. Hope that's not too much to ask. See, the three amigos are getting closer to NOMAD's place, some spot in Nevada. How much farther? asks Crutches. Twenty miles says Buck Tooth. It's bright blazing daytime during this exchange, but after they travel the twenty miles, it's pitch dark. I guess they could have stopped for pizza and bowling, but if so, those scenes were cut. More likely is that the director thought that the shaky cam stuff works better at night.
After a bit of stomach lunching shadow stomping, everything goes black and Crutches wakes up to find Morpheus (that is, Laurence Fishburne, which is the only reason I decided to watch this thing) staring at him from inside a Hazmat suit. Of course, Morpheus isn't Morpheus this time around, but rather Dr. Damon which is NOMAD spelled backwards (oops) and he informs Crutches that they're in some sort of super secret secure facility to keep the aliens from infecting the whole world - or something like that.
Later - as in many days later - Crutches falls off the bed and discovers his legs are made of weird extraterrestrial metal instead of his usual dilapidated flesh. He freaks - and while he's freaking - I'm wondering how he failed to notice for so long. Sure, he was in a wheelchair, but even a paraplegic could touch himself through his PJs and wonder why his pinky finger made a dull pinging sound on his thigh.
More of the same for quite a while until the three amigos get back together after a harrowing escape in which the guards literally pass within feet of the escapees but fail to notice because they're engrossed with Facebook on their IPhones or something.
More slow mo, then some slower slow mo in case you were on the verge of waking up, then a big bout of HULK SMASH! as Buck Tooth - who has grown enormous metal hands - grimaces his best grimace while reducing concrete to powder.
Needless to say, nothing ever comes of anything. In the end, it was all for naught, and the more that is revealed, the more you realize that the whole thing was just a giant misdirection to try and keep you from noticing that this film has no substance and nothing to say. It tries to be something for everyone from love sick teens to sci-fi fans to those who get giddy over Freddy Kruger. But at last - as it must - it falters, falls, and dissolves into a meaningless puddle of goo. The signal is dead.
Furthest Witness (2017)
Furthest Witness, Witless
If there's one thing you can count on from a movie maker who doesn't attend to details, it's unbelievability. In one or two cases, these things could be overlooked - after all, it is a movie - but Furthest Witness gives us a full preposterous parade.
This is the tale of Kyle Braddock who hauls people who have seen something they shouldn't have down to the border of Mexico, gives them a new passport, new identify, new money, and bids them farewell to enjoy their new life. He's a contractor of sorts, hired by ruthless gang lords who would rather pay tens of thousands of dollars and let an inconvenient witness live a comfortable life south of the border than take them out into the deserts of New Mexico and give them a 10 cent dose of lead.
Enter the girl, played by Teri Reeves. Kyle gets hired to do his thing, but it turns out she's a bit twisty and off goes the plot to the races. Naturally they fall in love along the way even though there's no chemistry. She even renounces her wicked ways to be with him.
There's plenty of bad guys, but the baddest of the bads is The Florist, played by Sean Patrick Flanery. The problem with his character is that he's stupid. He kills people for no good reason. A kid in a convenience store; a guy who runs a motel. Plus, he leaves them sitting around where they can be found immediately. He even goes into a restaurant to have a chat and a cup of coffee with a slit throat victim outside in his car sitting up in the front seat in broad daylight. He kills a guy in a motel room and then walks out leaving the door wide open.
By the way, if you like motels, this is the flick for you. Lots of motels. Problem is I've been in hundreds of them in my travels and not once did the motel guy tell me "you can pay when you leave". No ID, no car plates, no nothing. Just walk up, say "I want a room" and he hands you the key. That's not the way it works. Ask anybody who has ever taken a road trip.
Speaking of motels and not the way it works, it's also unbelievable that The Florist beats two words out a guy - "Albuquerque... Motel" - and manages to find Kyle and the girl in just a couple moves. Must be at least 97 motels in a town that size.
Verisimilitude. This movie has none. Besides what I've already mentioned, there's cell phones that boot up, dial, and connect in less than a second - and time after time that someone shows up somewhere in pursuit of someone else when the pursuer could not have possibly known where the pursued went. You could say magic GPS I suppose, but it's really just lazy writing and lazy thinking.
Hacker (2016)
Feeble Easy Money Internet Tale
Hey. Maybe it's just me but I hate crime movies where the criminals are a bunch of dumb asses. Like this one. In fairness, it's not so much that their character is stupid, but that the script calls for stupid things in order to advance the plot.
See, the main hacker kid was supposed to be brainy and knowledgeable, even if he doesn't know hacking exactly. More like a bunch of idiotic clichés like all you gotta do is cruise on over to darkweb.com and create an account.
Anyway, some Columbian guy forgets his credit card in a strip club so Mr. Hacker and his beer buzz buddy decide to use it to withdraw a bunch of cash. It's a very high end card, but it's too dangerous to use more than once. Beer Buzz and Hacker agree. One big score, no more. Good times.
Months later in the movie, someone decided that they need to push the plot sideways and get a little bathroom blood revenge porn splashed all over Beer Buzz. The easiest way to go is to have Beer Buzz use the dangerous credit card again so Mr. Columbian, who thoughtfully never canceled the card, can get a line on the stupids.
Let's see. If you used a high end credit card for a one time scam and vowed to never use it again, why would you then keep it? Surely you'd cut it up into little strips and toss it in the garbage with the cold Chinese food.
Then there's the girl (we gotta have a girl) with the mysterious uncle who's always finding them the perfect clients for the stuff they buy with stolen credit cards. Little much for Ms. 18, maybe 19, to have such deep contacts all over the place, including the other side of the world when the gang finally lights out for Hong Kong, but somehow Hacker Boy is okay with it all and just wants to trust her. Beer Buzz knows something's hinky, but gets outvoted.
Then much later Hacker needs to use an internet café in Thailand. Take this credit card he says to the clerk, as if he needed to risk using a stolen card to save maybe a buck. We're talking Thailand for Christ's sake, not the internet they charge you extra for at Motel 6, but another plot move was needed and of course said credit card bounces and police arrive to throw Hacker Boy in jail for two years. No bad-ass tattooed cellmate at least, Hacker gets a cell all to himself. Pretty nice in Thailand jails, huh?
Anyway, one day they set him free, hand him a box of his stuff that somehow disappears in the next shot, and he goes outside where Ms. 18, maybe 19 narrates the mysterious uncle explanation, and hands Hacker boy a new passport - all while standing practically in front of the two guards with automatic weapons outside the jail exit. These are the sort of things that make a movie like this so lame, and should have caused all involved to be tossed in the clinker in the first ten minutes.
What Happened to Monday (2017)
A Big Bang That Goes Bust
This film had a lot of promise, but it veers off course pretty rapidly.
Let's recap. Seven septuplet (is that redundant?) sisters conveniently named. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. live together in a rooftop apartment. Each can only go out into the world on their namesake day because it's against the law to have siblings. Overpopulation, scare resources, all of that stuff. You know the drill. No more double cheeseburgers.
At the end of each day, that day's sister - who has ventured forth under the singular identity of Karen Settman - must pow wow with the other six on that day's events so that everybody's up to speed in keeping up the illusion of a single person.
By the way, when siblings are discovered by the Child Allocation Bureau (which also doubles as high tech SWAT and Gestapo), they are placed in a frozen sleep chamber until that magical day in the distant future when all food production problems are solved and their pretty little fleshes may be thawed.
Being a somewhat predictable sort of film, the absolute second that the cryo sleep commercial comes on screen with the friendly tech guy delivering the punch line "awake to a better world", you know it's bull. They're killing the kids. You'd have to be asleep yourself not to see that coming.
Anyway, each of the seven sisters has a distinct personality, and within their apartment world, can express it. Outside, they must conform, but inside they can have red hair, blond hair, short hair, long hair. Many kudos (or more precisely, seven kudos) to Noomi Rapace for pulling off seven roles.
Things start to fall apart when Monday doesn't come home one night and Tuesday goes out the next day to look for her. Since their singular alter ego Karen Settman works at a bank, Tuesday heads straight to the office and asks her secretary "Where did I go after work last night?" Quite the sort of thing that a secretary is used to hearing no doubt and therefore without batting a single eyelash tells Tuesday where Monday went.
At the bar where Monday went, Tuesday asks the barkeep "Was I here long last night?" and "Who was I with?", again quite normal questions for a barkeep, at least in this dystopian future. Clues drift down.
All films must have a villain. In this case, it's Nicolette Cayman (Glenn Close) who runs CAB and doesn't have the dry humor it would take to come to work in a taxi. Later, after her inevitable downfall, she'll say something like Jack Nicholson's "you can't handle the truth" because it's a Hollywood rule or something. Like Tom Cruise on a motorcycle.
Anyway, Cayman cannot let the world know that seven siblings survived for 30 years. It would destroy her reputation. So, the goons of CAB need to get rid of the sisters and "keep it quiet." By the way, if you look up "quiet" in the dictionary, you probably won't find: enter the foyer of the apartment building, shoot the doorman in the head, bust down the apartment door, fire automatic weapons in all directions.
Later, after many harrowing escapades and quite a few gruesome deaths, the head blond goon is just outside the apartment door ready to burst in and kill the last of the nasty when nerd tech sister Friday launches her deadly gas/microwave oven attack that incinerates her and literally blows the entire top floor of the building to bits. Buys some escape time for sister Thursday down in the alley who uses it instead to moan and wail among the falling ashes. Also gives the viewer time to wonder why gas lines in the movies never need a crescent wrench.
Al least it's good riddance to obnoxious head blond goon guy who was last seen flying backwards into the void engulfed by overwhelming force, flame and fury. Well, that's what you'd think, but perhaps he had some sort of high tech body lotion smeared on his sensitive parts because about 10 seconds later he's down in the lobby barking orders.
Well, you get the idea. Over the top for over the top's sake. Still, it's an enjoyable flick in many ways thanks to Noomi Rapace and other good performances. But don't expect sensible responses from sensible characters. And be ready for supposedly brilliant bad guys to bring it on down to Rambo dumb.
London Has Fallen (2016)
Quick Awful Plot Summary (SPOILERS)
Oh no, the British PM dies suddenly, heart attack they say, could be an autopsy, but hey! we're kinda backlogged right now so CALLING ALL WORLD LEADERS for the funeral; we'll let you know if there was foul play later. World leaders come on down, tip top, right away, in cars and planes and boats and from rooftops float right into London just like Mary Poppins. Tippity Doo Mate!
Meanwhile one traitorous man, British undersecretary of street lights or something, controls a vast network of the security apparatus. With one nefarious man, Buckingham Palace guards are actually terrorists, 80% of London police force are terrorists, the terrorists plant bombs everywhere, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, all the MP's favorite McDonalds - and nobody is the wiser, nobody ever thought it possible. Terrorists start blowing stuff up and killing all the world leaders who fall off bridges screaming in Japanese, or splatter their blood on German flowers.
Well, everybody except the American president because he is righteous and just. He also has a very special secret service man, who, when faced with 100 foes says "Ha! They should have sent more!" Special secret service man escapes with the righteous and honorable American president. All communications are compromised, the undersecretary of street lights is powerful and not to be trifled with. Special secret service man stands under a satellite and Morgan Freeman back home, fulfilling his constitutionally powered vice presidential duties, understands the secret code. Check, Michael Bravo Tango Goodman 7. Wilco.
Meanwhile, special secret service man must run away with the president once again. Safe house not so safe. Damn that undersecretary! Beautiful safe house lady goes back to HQ to turn on the lights. All the generals are amazed.
Bad guys get president, drag him away, going to kill him on YouTube. We Don't Need No Sticking Terms of Service! But special secret service man has other plans, going to rescue his daddy. Bursts into the secret chamber just as the sword is raised above the president's neck, just as people all over the world are gasping in the streets while YouTube shines down from the buildings, like Blade Runner.
Bad man going to pay! Bad man must listen to patriotic sentiments in between blows. We're not just one building! Smack! We're not just one man! Punch, Pow! Must drive home message for the masses who might think our drone strikes aren't that great, even while your terrorist friend is fishing a grenade out his pocket! Smash! Punch! Pow!
"Blow up the building now! All the terribles will die, but me and the president will find an elevator shaft to jump into!" "Okay, mate," the guy outside says through the static, "pushing the button." KABLOMEY!
Morgan Freeman gets evil mastermind on the phone, deep in some backwater. "Hey, look out the window." he says. Evil mastermind looks up, sees and hears something bad coming. "All systems go, sir." says a tech, "there are no civilians in the area." "Natch," says VP Freeman, "that wouldn't be right
Pushing the button
"