Paul-b-1 Reviews

Wiener Dog Internationals (2016)

Dire.... Dire.... dire. An horrendous movie

[1/10 · 15 January 2018]

Ok, first things first. In the US two films were released - Wiener Dog Nationals and Wiener Dog Internationals. Now, because in the UK these dogs are known as "Sausage Dogs", the films had to be re titled with the original being called "Hot Dog Derby" and its sequel, reviewed here, being renamed "Top Dog". It wasn't immediately obvious from the packaging that this was a sequel, although it became very obvious from the word go that the story followed on from something. I have never seen the original, but it became apparent that key members of the original cast must have eyed this turkey and baled out, which is why one of the main protagonists spends his time jetting off around the world in pursuit of an unseen lady in order to propose to her - the actress in question from the first film must have been "washing her hair" after reading this script.

I sat through this execrable footage for the sake of my 9 year old son who got this for his birthday - I wish I could remember who gave it to him, so that I can remember to "thank" them properly next time I see them.

Now it wasn't the very worst film I have ever seen, but wow did it come close. The plot line itself is wildly corny, and revolves around the world of Sausage Dog racing (which I am unaware exists in the UK.) Whilst the first film was a strictly domestic affair, "Top Dog" looks at the "International" aspect of the sport, with a whole host of miniature canines from countries across the world all flouting quarantine regulations to participate in a 20 yard dash in an American precinct, dressed in painfully stereotypical nation garb (e.g. French Sausage dog in stripey jumper and beret, etc. - you get the idea)

The corn itself is ladled on thickly enough to make this film a dreadful proposition as it stands, but to make matters worse the actors (both adult and child) seem to exude their roles rather like a slug leaving a trail of slime. There were times where I nearly laughed, but I am not totally sure if the humour was intentional or not.

A dreadful, hopeless movie. Excruciating to watch, even by the low standards of budget Children's films.

The Wicker Tree (2011)

Enjoyable in a silly way

[4/10 · 10 January 2013]

Associating yourself with a successful previous film is always a double-edged sword, as the guaranteed audience from the first film are liable to be more critical if the subsequent movie is short of the mark.

What can I say about this movie? The original "Wicker Man" was like a finely crafted sculpture, while the "Wicker Tree" by comparison is more of a turd on a stick. OK, perhaps that is a bit harsh, and I did find the movie reasonably entertaining, but there is something of a gulf in quality between these two films.

The Plot In essence – two "born again" young people (one former pop singer and a reformed gambler) leave the American "God Belt" to convert the inhabitants of Scotland. No luck in the cities, so they go to the country where a local community (who seem to have a dearth of children) take them to their hearts before killing them as a part of a May day ritual.

The issues

Firstly, the setting. Yes, I could see a remote rural island community being seduced into Pagan ritualism, but this is set on "the border between Scotland and England", i.e. mainland Britain. In fact much of the filming took place not that far from Edinburgh, a major city.

Secondly, the motivation. In the original, an isolated rural island community turned to human sacrifice when its sole source of income, fruit and veg, failed disastrously. In the sequel, however, the boss of the local nuclear power plant is aware that his facility is leaking deadly radioactive material into the water table which has rendered the local population sterile. OK, if you live in a small community next to a nuclear power station and suddenly nobody can have children, surely your first suspicion would be the plant itself – you wouldn't let the plant owner convince you that the dramatic rise in childlessness was as a result of displeasing pagan deities. I mean, it's not like nuclear power doesn't already have a reputation..

Thirdly, the method. I am aware that a number of Wiccan followers were a bit concerned about the misrepresentation of their religion in the original film, but at least it all looked plausible to the viewer. Sadly, in the Wicker Tree the "pagan rituals" portrayed all seemed completely wacky. Did pagans really turn the may Queen into a human waxwork? Did they really chase someone around, catch them, rip them apart with their bare hands and eat them? Even if it were true it would still seem preposterous.

Fourthly, the victims. When Edward Woodward's character flew over to the island to locate a missing girl, the audience was shocked when his good intentions were betrayed and he ended up sacrificed. In this film, however, the victims are annoying "God-bothering" Americans and it is a blessing to all when they end up slain.

Fifthly, the loose ends. Why build a wicker tree? Why try to butcher an animal using a table circular saw? Why petrify the May Queen? There were only about five or six pickled May Queens on display, so this practise hadn't been going on for long, yet it clearly wasn't working – why continue? Why hadn't the childlessness of the village been spotted by the local Health Authority, bringing down a wave of investigations on the nearby nuclear plant? What was the point of Christopher Lee's bit, other than to tie in to the old film? Even then he wasn't referred to as "Lord Summerisle"..

In conclusion, I actually quite like the movie for its silliness, but don't for one moment think that you will be getting another "Wicker Man"..

Summerton Mill (2005– )

Utterly Brilliant

[10/10 · 16 December 2008]

If you hanker after the days of The Herbs, The Wombles or a whole load of similar such classic stop-frame animation series then you will love Summerton Mill.

The series combines the charm of children's TV from a previous era with the humour of such modern classics as Creature Comforts. It is simple yet witty (especially for kids TV), yet at the same time sad and wistful.

With programmes such as "In the night Garden" you could almost see the toy range approaching a mile off, but Summerton Mill lacks that kind of "in your face" marketing approach - it is an entertaining programme, not a toy infomercial.

I cannot for the life of me understand why the BBC dropped this programme after one series - I can only assume that the refreshing lack of cynical commerciality and the gentle pace of the show didn't fit in with a BBC desperately trying to make itself more up-tempo.

The good news is that the second series has been completed and a third is in production, with a DVD release imminent - for now, if you want to see this programme you will have to buy an iTeddy and download episodes from the iTeddy website.

In summary - everyone should see Summerton Mill at least once.

Alien Terminator (1995)

In space, no one can hear you say "hang on, a minute "

[3/10 · 6 February 2008]

This movie was another of my delves into the bargain bin, and I have a couple of issues with it.

Firstly, the title, Alien Species.

This sort of infers that the titular creature is of extra-terrestrial origin, but according to the story what is in fact created is a genetically modified virus which infects and takes over its host, transforming it into some kind of mutant. Hardly, ET…

Secondly, I am staggered that nobody got sued as this movie is a painfully close rip off of the classic sci-fi film, Alien. OK, little bits have been changed – the scientists are in an underground lab (not a spaceship), but much of the plot has just been lifted and transplanted. Its all there – the pushy female (Ripley type) character, the chest bursting scene (although the creature looks more like a turd on a string than a virus-born mutant, and actually comes out of the guys back), the hunt around badly lit corridors, the attempt to shut the creature in a specific sector using airlock-type doors, the telltale sign of alien exudate being left everywhere, the heartless corporation sacrificing its employees for the sake of a potential money spinning bioweapon, the scientific guy with a hidden agenda… even the hunt for a troublesome cat.

After escaping the breakfast table carnage the suspended face evolves off camera into a man in an unconvincing rubber monster suit. The film makers must have realised how bad he looks, and so shots of the monster are brief and partial – sadly, not brief or partial enough.

Fortunately for nudity fans out there one of the female scientists seems to enjoy going topless whenever the plot allows, and the site of her large, perfectly formed (and probably silicone-enhanced) breasts adds a bit of "interest" to the proceedings. This isn't so much a sexist opinion, more a comment on a movie that is so dire that brief female semi nudity is needed to keep half of the audience awake.

The ending is weak enough to qualify for some kind of disability grant – I know that the life support systems were shutting down, which would ultimately lead to the expiry of the remaining cast, but why did the base explode? I don't recall anything about self - destruction being a built-in feature...

In all, it was OK for the £1 I paid for it...

The War of the Worlds (2005 Video)

Will prove to be a massively influential movie - for the wrong reasons..

[4/10 · 24 September 2007]

Opinion seems sharply divided regarding this movie. If you read the Pendragon website then you would be forgiven for thinking that this film was a modern classic, whereas everyone else just thinks that it is total pants. Who is right? Well, they both are, in various ways.

The movie presentation has been "antiqued" – scratchy titles, slightly jumping filming and a faux "colourization" (using both colour filters and video –enhanced colours) try to make the film seem like it was made around the period it was set (but I'm not sure that movie footage necessarily existed then.)

To try and describe the general production "feel" of this movie to a British audience I would have to liken it to some of the budget studio based sci-fi series of the seventies, such as The Tomorrow People and Blakes 7. Extensive use of CGI has been made, but sadly the quality of the imagery ranges from passable to laughable. There appear to have been two principle filming locations – a Seattle city street (it looks like one of those "old style" modern shopping malls) and a number of anonymous fields which were dressed with an assortment of CGI houses to represent various towns in the south east of England. The style of the houses created do seem a bit variable, ranging from what look like modern semi detached houses to strange, brick built Tudor styled dwellings. Sadly, the matting in this movie appears to be "tepid" or "luke warm" at best, with people's heads changing colour or disappearing, etc.

The special effect stand out, if only for the wrong reasons. The aliens themselves make a relatively early appearance in the story – In most adaptations you have to wait until around the mid point before seeing them leave their craft, but in this movie they actual emerge early on. Judging by its appearance, I imagine that one of the Pacman ghosts managed to escape the computer screen and holed up in a pig sty until many years later, when the producers of this movie found it and offered it a job as a Martian. The tripods, despite being hundreds of feet high, seem to move around like six inch models and show no signs of the inertial that would be experienced by such large structures. Rather than thundering around like the gargantuan death machines that they are supposed to be, the tripod's footsteps sound a bit like someone pulling a slightly undersized wet cork out of a wine bottle.

The "Death Ray" looks a bit like a cross between a diabolo and a gyroscope on a stick, and the ray it produces looks to be no more deadly than a child's torch. This makes the spontaneous combustion of its victims seem somewhat over the top, but nothing compared to what is to follow when their burning, writhing bodies are reduced to writhing skeletons. How these skeletons manage to writhe is beyond me – I could be generous and assume that the ray mere reduces the victims bodily tissues transparent, but I would have to be feeling extremely generous to assume that. Later on victims appear just to explode. The CGI rendering of Big Ben makes it look like something out of "Grand Theft Auto 400 – race through Balham", whilst the clock appears to show the time as being three o'clock regardless of when the scene is supposed to be set. At one point Big Ben appears to be a stand alone structure rather than merely clock tower of a much larger building. The "Day for night" footage will have viewers rolling in the aisle – scenes shot in broad daylight with a strip of dark, starry sky clumsily pasted on top are not going to fool anyone. Sadly, the worst piece of footage is saved for the end, with the "Thunderchild" torpedo ram attempting to take on one of the Martian craft. I can forgive the slightly unconvincing appearance of the Thunderchild, the guns (which look for all the world like "Victorian" AA guns) firing at the aliens despite being unmanned and the Union flag flying into the wind (even if the Navy don't actually fly this flag). What I can't forgive, however, is the sea – basically, someone flew a plane over the surface of the sea and shot some stock footage. CGI ships were merely layered on top of this, the result being that the sea appeared to be rapidly moving sideways even thought the ships were not.

The quality of acting fluctuates wildly, as do the "British" accents – one character manages a complete tour of UK regional accents in one sentence, including faux Cockney, Scottish and Irish. By and large, though, the accents are bearable, only occasionally dipping to "Lawks and Lummy, Mary Poppins!" on the Van Dyke scale of British accents. Anthony Piana, who plays the hero and his brother, does seem to make an effort even if he does occasionally look like a cut-price Freddie Mercury .

On a more positive note, the music is absolutely superb and could easily grace your average blockbuster movie.

This film has many faults, most of which (in my opinion) can be forgiven; the remainder, however, smack of poor quality. The principle problem is the lack of attention to detail - It wouldn't have cost any more to get stuff right, so why didn't they?

This film will go on to inspire a legion of budding film makers, and for that alone it deserves praise. Lets face it, you are not going to be able to compete with Spielberg's version armed with a camcorder, a PC video editing suite, a group of enthusiastic friends and some CGI freeware, but you might just make something that is of a similar calibre as or even slightly better than this film - it is an attainable goal, and as such will serve to encourage a whole new generation of film makers.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

A movie so bad it is a must see....

[7/10 · 3 April 2007]

Yes, folks, I recommend this movie wholeheartedly! Why? Well, it seems to me that a lot of effort and money have gone into making this movie, even down to the filming of a "making of" documentary, leading you to believe that nobody actually realized how bad this film was until it actually bombed. The thing is, the movies' flaws are so blatantly obvious that you can't help wondering why nobody actually spotted them during production - perhaps people were too afraid to mention anything to the all-powerful John Travolta (it reminds me of a Disney epic that was supposed to be set in a mountain top castle in Norfolk, until one of the English production crew gingerly pointed out to the Disney executives that Norfolk is as flat as a pancake.) There are just so many holes in the storyline that the "Goofs" section just does not do the film justice, and key elements of the story are just so hairy as to be laughable. The baddies look like Klingons in high heels, and have the mentality of the Ferengi and intellect of a Walnut. To make matters worse, Travolta plays his role like some ridiculously camp fop - if this were a Jane Austin story you could understand it, but this is supposed to be the year 3000. How a race of aliens who were hyper-sensitive to radioactivity could conquer the world is as baffling as how they could occupy it for 1000 years and still not know what its inhabitants eat. Even more amazing is that this whole conquest thing is about gold - it seems that the aliens just wanted to rob us blind. You'd have thought that an advanced civilisation like theirs in possession of teleportation equipment would have figured out a way of teleporting the gold out from under us without all this conquest business... This film covers the first half of Hubbard's book - the second half was to be made into a sequel, but poor reviews saw an end to that idea. Shame - As I understand it, the sequel would have been even more preposterous than the first with intergalactic bankers seeking to "repossess" Earth in lieu of Psychlo debts... You just have to see this movie, even if only to laugh at how seriously it takes itself...

Churchill: The Hollywood Years (2004)

Not as bad as I first feared

[6/10 · 7 February 2007]

A delve into the bargain bin turned up this British Comedy, boasting a host of well-known names. The film is a spoof of all those slightly less than factual 2nd World War movies originating from Hollywood, where good old Uncle Sam saves the world.

Unfortunately the spoof element is at times somewhat layered on with a trowel, and the film occasionally becomes a bit muddled.

I feared a cringe-makingly unfunny slice of attempted humour, but what I saw was a film which definitely had its funny moments.

I do take major issue with one element of the movie though – the end credits specify that the film was made on location in the Isle of Man (probably because this is where the financial backing came from.) It seems to me that the vast majority of the movie was actually filmed in the Torbay region of Devon (Buckingham Palace was Oldway Mansion in Paignton, Plymouth Docks was Brixham fish quay, and the two steam railways in the Torbay area are featured prominently.) There may have been the odd Manx film set, interior shot or field, but you would have thought that Torbay would have got more of a mention…

Not a great movie, but better than I thought it would be and certainly worth a quick look (but don't pay too much for it!)

Escape Velocity (1999)

If the daughter is 18, then I'll eat my space helmet...

[6/10 · 18 August 2006]

Another of my delves into the bargain bin, this film actually does have some genuine points of merit. The special effects are actually quite well done, and by and large the acting is quite good.

In brief, a scientist lady and her bloke along with her 18 (ho ho) year old daughter rattle around in an over-sized spaceship playing galactic "chicken" with stars which are about to explode, supposedly collecting scientific data. Escaped loony psycho turns up, gets himself invited on board and takes over ship. Scientist lady (who used to be a cop) turns into Rambo and duffs up loony psycho, rescuing daughter and bloke at the same time.

I found it difficult to believe that the "18" year old girl was actually 18 (I think that the actress who played her was in fact 23 at the time) - even when the psycho loony turned up he commented on how she looked older than 18. I also had difficulty with the whole business of them hanging around stars until the last moment before beating a hasty retreat - would any parent want to take their teen-aged daughter on such a dangerous mission?

The psycho loony seemed to be indestructible, resisting numerous attempts to rub him out. Sadly, he didn't exactly exude an air of menace (such as you would have got from, say, Oliver Reed or Anthony Hopkins); instead he came across as an annoying little tick who just happened to have a gun, and certainly did nothing to deserve his indestructible status.

In all, I quite enjoyed the film but wouldn't go mad on it - it has succeeded in avoiding my "for the car boot sale" pile for a couple of years now, so it can't be that bad.

Spontaneous Combustion (1989)

Nice start, shame about the end

[3/10 · 18 August 2006]

Another of my delves into the bargain bin, this movie gave me exactly what I expected - a load of trashy horror complete with screaming ladies.

It all started so well - I liked the little intro with the "newsreel" about the young couple being exposed to a nuclear blast, and was totally absorbed right up until the first person caught fire...

From then onwards the film descended into outright silliness, and at times became almost embarrassing to watch. When the heroine turned out to have been afflicted with the same condition as the main character (the ability to light one's own farts without the aid of a match) it seemed almost as if someone had thrown the idea in at the last moment ("that'll be good!" you can almost hear them say...) As for the almost psychic link between the main character and the nuclear power plant, well...

The movie came across as cheap tat - if you pay more than £1.50 for it you've been done.

Memory Run (1995 Video)

A film that is better than it's synopsis

[6/10 · 18 August 2006]

OK, people, its a film about brain transplants.

Once you get past this utterly outlandish concept, then movie actually proves to be quite entertaining and, in some areas, quite well done. I do have issues with the ending - basically, the hero gets his girlfriend pregnant, both are killed, but his brain is whipped out at the last moment and put into her body. Thus the hero is a heroine for most of the movie.

It does seem to me that if you put a man's brain in a woman's body you would end up with a woman who thought and acted in a "masculine" way, but at the end of the movie the heroine seems to exhibit stereotypical maternal instincts. OK, you could argue that having all those feminine hormones washing around your bloodstream may affect your way of thinking, but quite frankly this film, entertaining though it is, just isn't worth arguing about.

This film can be quite good fun, especially when served with generous amounts of alcohol.

Steel Frontier (1995 Video)

One of the better "Bargain Bin" movies

[7/10 · 18 August 2006]

It has to be said that this film is definitely one of the better "bargain bin" movies out there - I'd feel a bit cheated if I had paid £15 for it, but at about £1.50 I felt that I definitely got more than my monies worth.

The film can't quite decide if it wants to be "Mad Max" or one of the Clint Eastwood "man with no name" spaghetti westerns, and as such is stacked with clichés from both. Even the manic loony who hangs out with the bad guys in "Mad Max" is there.

That guy from "Blade Runner" also cops a good billing, although he only turns up at the beginning and the end of the movie.

Favourite bit - for me the punch-up on top of the oil refinery - if you look closely you can see the "post-apocalyptic" rush hour traffic thundering past in the distance as the two protagonists knock seven bells out of each other.

Get several lagers in, a few pizzas and sit back and enjoy what is ultimately lightweight but entertaining drivel.

Virus (1980)

Surprisingly Good

[7/10 · 17 August 2006]

My copy of this movie came as part of one of those "15 DVDs for £10" packs, and stood alongside some of the worst "straight to Video" films ever made.

As other reviewers have commented, the worst aspect of this DVD is the copy quality - it looks as though someone has hired a somewhat tired 8mm copy of the movie, projected it on to the wall of their bedroom and video'ed the result on an ageing camcorder.

I suspect that I may have the US version (I wasn't aware that the Japanese version was any different), as the last section ("the walk" as others have described it) seemed incredibly corny and the whole film could have stood up without it. Having now learnt that substantial chunks were removed from the film I can perhaps understand why this section only appeared to be tacked on the end.

Other than these two grumbles I was very impressed; the film not only seems a remarkably powerful one but also spookily prophetic. You are certainly left with a chilling insight as to what could have happened if "worst-case" scenarios relating to bird flu had been realised.

Better Living (1998)

Dreary, drab, incomprehensible - entertainment-free...

[1/10 · 17 August 2006]

Without question the worst movie I have ever seen.

Films such as "Plan 9 from outer space" are bad, but are entertaining for it - this film fails to engage the viewer on any level, even those who are fans of the "Dysfunctional family" genre of movie.

Most movies have at least one positive attribute - this one, sadly, is an exception.

The characters seem to be doing things without motivation or reason - it isn't clear why the father returned, and even less clear why everyone just accepted his direction without question.

The term "spoiler" does not apply to this movie - it is more a "Coup de grace." I'd tell you how the film ended but my brain started to dribble out of my ears half way through.

I suppose the bottom line is this - "Better Living" wasn't nominated for any awards, has received far more bad reviews than good (if any!) and was gracing the shelves of our local "Poundland" shop. The film is so bad that the actual disk is devoid of any credits, merely having the film title printed on it - no one wanted to own up to having anything to do with this disaster of a movie.

About the only positive thing I can say about this movie is that I sold it at a car boot sale for slightly more than I paid for it...