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A Dark Song (2016)
Light in the Shadows
There are not many perfect movies. This is one of them.
It is difficult, challenging, ugly, real.
Watch it. Love it, hate it. You will either get it or you won't.
It doesn't matter. It is what it is.
Batman Ninja (2018)
Torture in the form of an animated movie
I literally hate this movie. I hate that I saw it and now must live with this scar upon my memory forever.
Its like whoever "wrote" and/ or "directed" this knew absolutely nothing about any of the 99 things that they crammed into it without any rhyme or reason at all. It fails at every single thing it attempts to do until all that is left is one super annoying hour and a half long cringe.
I wish that I could build a time machine and go back and uncreate this dreadful thing.
Army of the Dead (2021)
What even was this?
This is one of the dumbest movies I have watched in a long time, and that it really saying something.
PS - It shouldn't be possible to have plot holes in a movie with no plot, but they managed it somehow.
Tenet (2020)
whateverevetahw
I would go back in time and unwatch this, but what apparently what has been done is done, and there's always the possibility that I would annihilate myself in the process.
Nightflyers (2018)
More talking in curved hallways please
Synopsis: A group of melodramatic idiots on an ambiguous mission to meet aliens with a pretentious name for reasons we never fully understand struggle to survive a series of utterly random events on an interminable journey to nowhere.
I like space horror. Its a niche genre that doesn't get nearly enough attention, so I give every installment I come across a chance. I read the original short story collection of which it was a part when I was a kid and liked it. I also saw the terrible original movie and felt like it was a missed opportunity, so I was happy to see the trailer for Nightflyers because it looked like it had some promise. Now, 8 episodes in, I am ready for it to be over and forgotten. I intend to finish the first season because I do not rate or review things without having seen them through, but its become such a grueling enterprise at this point that I feel the need to review while I am still able.
Sadly, in space everyone can hear you sigh with boredom and groan from the plotless stupidity of this series.
Not even the Organic Mechanic can save this one.
Lung II (2016)
Why did I keep watching?
This movie makes the refrigerator in Requiem For a Dream seem friendly and welcoming.
I have never had such a hard time with a film. I literally have no idea why I watched the entire thing. I know that there are likely worse things, but I think I found my limit here. It is atrocious and disturbing.
That said, as the other reviewer has pointed out, there is a certain artistic integrity evident in this production. The theme does not waver. It is hideous and discombobulating. It is rabid and repulsive. It is focused and driven and never stops being awful.
If Cronenberg, Lynch, Barker, and Throbbing Gristle conspired to make something without hope, something bleak and brutal, angry, confused, and desperate that almost no one could stand to watch, they could hardly have done any better.
Personally, I did not enjoy it, but I doubt it was meant to be enjoyed. In the end though, I found it difficult to escape from this wretched thing until it was done, and this says something for it - though I don't know what.
They Remain (2018)
Weird Fiction, Finally
Long a fan of HP Lovecraft, Thomas Ligotti, Laird Barron, Christopher Slatsky, Matthew Bartlett, TE Grau, and a number of other weird fiction writers, I have also long been disappointed in the lack of good weird fiction in film. Too often the stories are adapted to remove what makes them special in the first place: the weirdness, the nihilism, the cosmic perspective.
Happily, They Remain retains the weirdness and takes its time building the stifling and creepy atmosphere required to deliver it. I really enjoyed this, and I hope to see more like it. Its not perfect. Its not for everyone. But in general, it is a victory for those who know and enjoy the pleasures of the strange.
Asylum, the Lost Footage (2013)
Garbage. Trash. Refuse.
This is found film number 66 for me. So, I have, obviously, seen some VERY, VERY bad movies. Of the 66 I have seen so far, this is, without a doubt, the worst.
The only way I could possible give it an accurate rating on IMDB's system would be to go through the 1000 + movies I have seen and rate them all one star higher so that the inability to give negative stars would be compensated for.
This is a mess. There is nothing coherent about it. There is no character development at all. There is no story. Nothing happens. It breaks every rule of the genre, but it does so to no positive effect at all. I have never seen anything quite like it. Its beyond awful. And no, it is not "bad in a good way."
Entertainment cannot be found here.
Abandon hope all ye who enter.
Parched (2017)
The Worst
This is my 63rd found footage film. A glutton for punishment, I keep sifting the mountain of no-budget found films for the few gems it contains. In the process, I have seen a lot of really, really bad movies. This one is easily the worst - although Secreto Matusita, Altar, and Classroom 6 are close runners-up.
There is nothing about this "movie" that is worth your time, even if you like found footage. The acting is terrible. Its not even good enough to be amusing, as in bad-in-a-good-way. The "story" is non-existent. The footage is padded with tons of "nature" scenes, which, in this case amounts to nothing other than leaves and a spider at one point. The "twist" is a joke.
The only good thing I can think of with regards to this utterly amateur failure of a film is that it does highlight the qualities that _good_ found footage movies have. Its easy to criticize found footage for having no "script" or having "shaky" camera work. Its easy to criticize these movies for their attempts at "realistic" reactions from the "actors." But if you watch Parched and then watch any number of other found footage films, you will find that there is in fact a baseline for good vs bad. It might not be enough to convince someone who simply doesn't like the medium that found footage can be viable, but it can at least demonstrate the merits of effort - which is lacking here in every conceivable way.
Classroom 6 (2015)
Special Case #2
To date I have rated 1,026 movies on IMDb, but I have only written one review.
I save them. I save the reviews for special cases.
I also watch a lot of found footage. I have seen and rated 56 of them at the present time. I feel they help me work out my karma through intense self-inflicted suffering.
This is my second review on IMDb.
I know there are worse movies. There are. But this one is terrible. Everything about it is utterly terrible. It is an extraordinarily terrible movie.
I feel that, because I endured it in its entirety, my karma is drastically closer to being expunged. This dreadful experience has brought me one step closer to Nirvana.
So, if you enjoy terrible, terrible writing, terrible, terrible acting, and terrible, terrible camera work (even for a found footage "film"), or, if you feel that you need to have your astral body scoured clean by pure suffering, then this is for you.
Otherwise, I recommend anything else. Anything.
Évolution (2015)
Not a Horror Film
I never write reviews, but I feel compelled in this instance to do so. It seems to me that this movie is done a grave injustice by giving it the moniker of "horror" film.
Horror implies a lot of things, and some of them are present here. There is a sense of unease and tension. The main character certainly has reason to doubt the sincerity of those who are "caring" for him. For some people, there are elements which might be "disturbing." However, the same can be said for films like Boys Don't Cry and Eraser Head. Though these two films have little to nothing in common either with each other or with Evolution, they two contain "distressing" elements, but are not horror movies.
The reason this seems important to me is that horror comes with expectations that this film is not meant to fulfill. This film would better be viewed with the idea, instead, that it is portraying, beautifully, an archetypal dream world, that it is something of a Jungian fantasy.
It is full of references to the chthonic nature of the mothers - the ocean, the cave, dark mysterious rooms, the mysterious nature of the mothers themselves. The androgynous nature of the mothers is important, as well. The doors left open through which the boy can, if he chooses, pass.The boy's sketch book in which he draws his OWN archetypes, ferris wheels and cars among other things which we are to understand are not among those he has consciously experienced is perhaps the most brilliant example. All of these things are part of the boy's hero myth, of his gradual act of individuation as he questions his way through this world. There are two possible fates awaiting this boy as there are for any active mind. Will he passively accept his fate among the mothers, or will he rebel? The thing is, you don't have to be interested in psychology to feel these things - they are natural. They are dream elements, and this film is, in a way, a beautiful dream. If it is watched without an expectation of that which makes a horror movie "horrible," there are layers and layers here that can be enjoyed without reference to terminology. You can FEEL them. You can SEE them.
In the latter department, this film succeeds wondrously. Every single frame is perfectly positioned to draw us in. It is glorious to look at. The score is also very subtle and beautiful.
It really is an amazing film. I just think you have to come at it with as few preconceptions as possible. And you definitely should leave the notion of "horror" at the door. If, then, you DO experience horror, it will be a genuine reaction, and if you don't, you won't feel like the film has failed you.