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Reviews
Steven Kan's Sharks of the Corn (2021)
Now that's what I'm talking about!
We're going to start with how much I love shark movies. If it has a shark in it, I'm going to watch it. Good or bad. I put shark movies into two categories; realistic ones like Jaws where it really is just a shark, and the silly ones. Donald Farmer's Shark Exorcist comes to mind right off the top of my head.
Finally, someone has embraced the insanity of the shark film and, of course it would have to be Tim Ritter.
I can still remember when Truth or Dare; A Critical Madness came to the video store. I even liked the first sequel and was able to tolerate the third one. Killing Spree is an excellent example of a fever dream made cellouid and Creep, well I do love Creep.
Now we have Sharks of the Corn. It makes an automatic trigger for the classic Children of the Corn and that's a good thing.
The basic idea is that Teddy Bo Lucas (Steven Guynn) is a mass murderer. But, his reasons are that he is helping to bring an ancient shark goddess back into existence when the Blood Moon is in conjunction with Stonehenge.
I know right?!?
So, when Sheriff Scheider (Shannon Stockin) happens upon Teddy with a car full of body parts, she drags him in for the murder of her sister.
Meanwhile, CIA Agent Benchley (Casey Miracle) is working undercover to find out what is going on with a shark cult.
Oh, and the cornfields are full of sharks that just swim through the corn without a care in the world and shred anyone who comes into the field.
I traditionally avoid horror movies' with a run time of over 90 minutes, but I always give Tim Ritter a chance and I'm so happy I did. This thing just keeps moving along at an insane rate. Ritter knows enough about exploitation to give us gore, blood and boobs. Those are always a welcome thing in a movie.
What really makes it work is the fact that a ludicrous concept is presented to us and never made fun of. Just dead serious acting with then subject matter makes it work.
And then there's the other reason this is such a great movie.
Steven Guynn as Teddy, the shark killer. He is amazing to watch onscreen. You can feel the manic intensity come off the screen. He is a joy to watch.
So, if you think you've seen it all and not watched this movie, you haven't.
Night Chills Theatre (2016)
One of the best Horror Host shows out there
Being an old fart I remember when we had Shock Theater on Channel 41 WUHQ. We had The Ghoul for two weeks and declared him too offensive. Flash forward to today where anyone, myself included, can be a horror host. Night Chills does the audio sweetening that I love when The Ghoul does it. His host segments are laugh out loud funny with Vincent, Phydeaux the Raven and Dracula the best of the best. Truly a magnificent showe.
Kill Them Right! (2012)
Exploitation Done Right!
KIll Them Right does on a micro budget what many big budget films still fail to do. Deliver an quick action film that fills the screen with beautiful women both good and evil as they do battle to save the world from well, each other. All the ladies are wonderful to look at, do their own stunt work and fill the screen with all natural beauty as they judo flip the men into submission at every turn. This was a lot of fun.
Razor Days (2012)
An unnerving look at the consequences of revenge.
Anita (Amy Lynn Best) helps women become stronger. She helps at a self defense class meant to empower women. She counsels women. Into her life comes Jessamay (Debbie Rochon) the infamous 'Cannibal Girl'. She had been captured by the Logan family, her boyfriend killed and eaten by the cannibalistic trio. She was tortured, raped and scarred for life. She is coping with this by filling herself with a white hot rage that wants revenge. She tells Anita that she can't be the only one. Anita's ex husband, John (Jeff Monahan) is a police detective so she asks him to look for others like Anita. She believes that if she comes face to face with another survivor it may help.
John turns up Rena (Bette Cassatt) living on the other side of the state. They go to visit and Jessamay and Rena immediately click. Their common ground brings them together immediately. They don't believe that cannibals exist in the modern world. They believe that Jessamay and Rena did this to themselves for attention. Now that Jessamay has a sister in suffering it's time to make the bastards that did this to them pay. Anita goes with them to keep them from going off the path of being a rational human being, but she has a past that keeps bringing her own feelings to the surface. They believe if they can do this they will save others from what they have been changed into. They also believe, a little, that if they murder these monsters in the shape of men that their own demons will be laid to rest once and for all. Except, one of them has not been completely honest with the other two and that could be the one thing that will destroy them once and for all. Each of the characters felt like a different aspect of a single person. Anita was the cool, logical persona that stops us from screaming at the impenetrable darkness. Jessamay is our pure rage that screams at the darkness regardless of what that will accomplish. Rena is the fragility of the human spirit that has been crushed by man's inhumanity towards man. Individually, they are impotent. Jessamay knows that she needs another kindred spirit to force her to face her fears and crush them. Anita sees the damage that these other women have suffered and even though her scars are internal, she feels the same as they do. Rena has surrendered to her situation, but there is that little glimmer within her that, if properly fanned, will erupt into a blaze much hotter than either of the other women are capable of. There is a scene in a quarry where the three women are arguing. They are parked outside of the farm where they believe their tormentors are located. As Anita and Jessamay argue, Rena starts to walk away and the camera acknowledges the other two, but their voices fade as Rena takes slow measured steps towards the farm. Her face that looks like a fragile china doll that has been shattered and put back together, is set in a look of determination more chilling than anything Jessamay has shown us. The rain falls, the camera follows and Rena with each step becomes something more. She believes in her heart that this is what will save her from that fear. The fear of everything. Just before Anita calls to her and breaks the moment we see it in her face. She is ready to rain death and destruction on people that have done this to her. The scene in truly chilling and Bette Cassatt makes us forget she's acting. The character of Rena is fully realized and makes us a little afraid. All three of these fine actors deserve praise for what they bring to Razor Days. Amy Lynn Best gives us a woman who has gone through something that has taken her soul and twisted it a little. Her pain comes from love turning into something dark. In every scene that she is forced to argue with these other two women you can see the conflict on her face. She is operating on the fact that murder is wrong. Her emotions betray her at every step and Best conveys this with every line. The scene in the car between her and Bette she thinks she can at least get to her and change her mind. But, you see with every no she speaks a yes comes out of her eyes. Debbie Rochon gives us a woman who has embraced her rage to keep her warm. Of the three she could be the most upfront in what she shows us. The one that truly sticks out for me is Bette Cassatt. She gives off such a sense of fragility from the moment we see her. The previous china doll reference seems to fit perfectly. She exudes a sense of someone who just wants to be left alone. She tried the world and the world beat her down. When she decides to go all the way into a revenge plan with Jessamay, her conversion is the most frightening of the three of them. Anita embraces fighting back at her defense classes; Jessamay embodies rage with her body movement, her attitude. Even her huge, ragged scar on her face seems to scream rage at you. In comparison, the thin, white scars of Rena fool you with a false beauty that comes back to haunt you. When she transforms it is the most severe of the three and you're not sure whether to be proud of her for facing her fears or heartbroken that she is falling into something that might not even help. Because what if what you see as the solution to your problems doesn't help? What if you take a step forward that can't be taken back? What if and this is the worst part, what if it makes you into that which you are trying to destroy?
Space Boobs in Space (2017)
This movie is Gonzoriffic!!
I am always amazed at the depth that Amazon Prime Streaming goes in its film library. I saw this one by mistake. I was aware of who Andrew Shearer was. I have other movies of his. When I saw the running time was 90 minutes I was a little shocked. Andrew does short stuff so a feature? Sure, I love his stuff. Plus it promised boobs. More on that later. The beginning deals with a ship from Earth going to a planet where they want the milk from our woman titties. They need it to survive. In exchange they will give us the milk from their titties. Apparently it bestows immortality on whoever drinks it. Seems like a fair trade. The movie actually ends pretty quick and there is a linking device with a ravishing creature with green hair. They use her show to introduce other short films. See, this is familiar territory for me. We get all sorts of goodies and it reminds me of Amazon Women on the Moon. Another great film. The green haired host interviews this other alien named Grand Muff Tit who is hilarious. Every word is a slice of comedy gold and I laughed a lot. So, this is a good flick. I would have probably gone into more detail, but there is nothing giving me proper credits on the internet and I don't feel like fast forwarding through the damned movie again to find them. Last thing. If you tune in expecting an abundance of naked boobies, keep moving. Sure, there are many exquisite creatures lurking through this film, but zero nudity to be had. That's fine, whatever. I'm fine with it. I know some people might get cranky wasting 90 minutes with no naked boobs so I thought I would mention it in the review so they don't get all pissy. And the short film with the game Operation with Dee Flowered is one of the funniest things I have seen all year. I thought it was a fun flick and hilarious. Also, the green haired woman hosting the show is one of the most ravishing creatures I have seen in a film in a long time. Her name is Xtina and she is absolutely lovely.
SantaClaus: A Horror Story (2016)
Santa Claus is 'coming' to town has a whole new meaning!
As promised in the title, the first thing we are assailed by in Bill Zebub mainstay Lydia Lael being raped by Santa Claus. He has total control over her physical form and is able to make her do whatever he wants. After the rape she calls Thalia to see if she can discover what is happening. It fits in with research she is already doing and she brings in Bill's character as an adviser since his specialty is mythology. Being a professor, Bill is able to talk to many of his students concerning the origins of the Santa myth and why now he has become a monstrous rapist of women instead of a bringer of toys for children. As he continues to research the myth of Santa, more and more women are being raped and, in an interesting twist, all are pregnant from the encounter. The rapist is also changing his appearance to sometimes look like an elf and other times more of a religious figure. Thalia puts herself under self hypnosis so that when she is raped by who she believes to be Bill in the guise of Santa, she can awaken from his power and stab him. When the stab wound issues green blood, Thalia discovers that not all is what she thought it was and her measuring the rapist in human terms will no longer work. Bill meets with a woman who has also been a victim of the Santa Rapist and they discuss things that reveal to the audience that she may not be human either. When the true identity of the Santa Rapist is revealed we realize that everything we believed about the mythical being known as Santa Claus is false and the true answer is a horrifying, apocalyptic revelation. Santa Claus is Bill Zebub doing what he does best. He takes a particular mythology, in this case, Santa Claus, and then, using pure science and research dissects what Santa really is. He also postulates the theory of a new age of humanity that tells of a time when all the gods of mankind have abandoned us and fled this realm of reality. IN doing so, ancient gods, imprisoned forever, are released upon an unsuspecting population to propagate whatever horrors they wish upon mankind. Accompanied by an amazing metal soundtrack and some beautiful cinematography, Bill gives us a movie that works on two levels; one with the pretty girls and sex and violence, the other making us question everything we believe whether we believe it as a myth or as reality. Sprinkle some jokes in there including the one about how people pay attention better with a naked woman in front of them and you have the logical, next evolutionary step in what a true Bill Zebub movie is. With the addition of lucid dreaming into the mix we can either accept what we see on the screen in front of us as what really happened or we can guess that the entire thing may be nothing more than a single man's dream or, even more disturbing, the dream of an ancient god who wants nothing more than to usher in the Age of Lead to ensure their own release back into the world. Pretty heavy stuff for what presents itself as an exploitation film.
Hectic Knife (2016)
Hectic Knife is destined to become an underground classic!
In a world similar to our own there is a vigilante roaming the streets of New York City. He destroys the junkies, the drug dealers, pretty much anyone who is evil and destructive. His name is Hectic Knife and armed with his two trusty knives and an uncanny ability to regenerate from any wound, even self inflicted ones, he is out to make the world a better place. But, there's no money in the world saving business so he advertises for a new roommate and ends up with Link (John Munnelly) who with his comic books and fat stacks of cash, moves in right away. Consisting on a diet of nothing but hard boiled eggs and the occasionally fried gun and cardboard (???) he dispatches thugs left and right. When he saves a young girl, Frannie Glooper (Georgia Kate Haege), she follows him home declaring herself as his girlfriend. When Hectic beats the crap out of three drug dealers he finds that they are working for the nefarious Piggly Doctor (J.J. Brine). A madman who wants to bring about the end of the world by hooking everyone on drugs and blowing up small children. Hectic Knife must call upon his mad skills of knife wielding to save the day, the planet, and the children and maybe even himself. I go to a convention twice a year. Cinema Wasteland. Held the first weekend of April and October every year it has been a Waltz tradition for over a decade. I was walking through the dealers room with the always lovely Martha Waltz when a man in a long, blonde wig, face covered in blood approached us with flyers in hand. He was pimping his new film being released by Troma. That film was Hectic Knife. When I expressed my enthusiasm for what sounded like an epic film he gave us a special screener copy of his movie along with a CD of his own music. (The music is cool, thanks Peter – DW) I had zero expectations when I started the movie. It exceeded all of them. See, I'm an old fart and have watched so many movies that I remember when there were these amazing underground film makers like Kenneth Anger, Richard Kern and Nick Zedd. I can remember seeing movies like Liquid Sky and Repo Man that defied ordinary film making. Now I can add Hectic Knife to that eclectic blend of bizarre, weird and downright insane films that I can watch over and over again with no boredom creeping in around the edges. Using the black and white mode coupled with some grainy effects that can only be achieved through film and some really good computer programs this movie feels like it was made in the 80s and someone just dug it out of a hole for all of us to enjoy as it was meant to be. Hectic Knife is pure underground cinematic perfection. The characters are fully aware that you're watching them. Little touches of color creep in when appropriate like when one of the drug dealers can't stop talking about how orange the pills are. I especially liked the scene where Frannie introduced herself to Link and she did it about twenty times in about twenty accents. It sounds like a lot, but it works really well. The idea that people in this universe eat things like fried guns and cardboard are genius. It reminded me of the odd world created in the film The Dark Backward. Hectic Knife has two friends in the whole world in this movie his buddy Harry who is a Vietnam Vet that plays chess and kicks ass. He is awesome in this film. But, then Rockin Ray comes along. Rockin Ray is driving this car painted with a mural of awesomeness and has many things festooned about the entire surface. He is driving through the neighborhoods preaching his gospel of no drugs through a loudspeaker on the car. Imagine my surprise when I saw that he is a real person!
The entire film reminded me of a better time in film. A time when people took chances and it got shown in a theater. This would play so well in a theater so it did my heart good to see that it will be having some screenings. I have no idea what brought that young man who I now know is the star of Hectic Knife, Peter Litvin, to hand over a copy of the film that he helped to bring into this world, but it made my day. Now, if you will excuse me I must go and spread the word of the magnificent piece of cinema known as
HECTIC KNIFE!