justinwfirestone Reviews

The Beast (2023)

A Black Mirror short story stretched thinly into 145 minutes

[5/10 · 5 May 2024]

It would be slightly unfair to assert that The Beast is a 20-minute story concept pulled from the rejection pile of Black Mirror plots, but given that it was loosely based on a 1903 novella from Henry James, it could be merely unfair to make such an assertion. We see past lives lived throughout imperfect days, slavishly assembled in three interleaved timelines, sometimes experienced within an alternative reality, while at other times merely through fictional narrative.

If one pays attention for all 145 minutes, and one would assuredly deserve a personalized baby poupée if one were to have the fortitude and stimulants required to achieve such a task, one would likely attain a sense of metaphorical imagery. There are metaphors for art, floods, beasts, pigeons, love songs, or maybe I have it backwards. There could be metaphors for humanity, disaster, and dolls. Either way, The Beast is probably filled with several metaphors for which I missed their significance, except for any references to flooding or fires. Flooding and fires are metaphors for disaster, whether real or impending.

Léa Seydoux and George MacKay act with the necessary talent to put together movies like this, but movies like this remind me how I would appreciate it if restaurants were to offer Half the Food for Half the Price.

I wouldn't mind directors offering Half a Movie for Half the Price.

Civil War (2024)

Meh, bleh, and unimportant

[4/10 · 16 April 2024]

You might have watched the trailer for Civil War and made a handful or two of assumptions regarding issues such as: what the movie is about; what the overall plot might be; how many bullets are fired by the camouflaged character portrayed by Jesse Plemons; why are unarmed journalists going on a road trip through the Mid-Atlantic where they are assuredly going to encounter a veritable myriad of angry or desperate gun-toting people; and could this be just a montage of leftover footage from The Last of Us?

No spoilers, because you can't spoil what is already rotten.

What is the dime-store version of Pedro Pascal even doing in this movie (not the actor himself, but the character he is playing)? I was told he was a journalist, along with Steven McKinley Henderson's character, but neither of them do any journalisming that I could tell. I did doze off quite a bit throughout this disaster pastiche, so perhaps I missed a critical detail here or there. The characters who take pictures seem to value being in the moment more than being alive in the ever, but that's the price of greatness, I suppose. Being a journalist comes with great responsibilities, such as deleting pictures which do not slap, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and always telling the truth if asked whence you came.

My disdain for Civil War makes sense, even if the movie itself does not. Annihilation and Ex Machina join Civil War to win the trifecta garland of overrated, overwrought, and overblown cinema.

Perfect Days (2023)

A wonderful respite of quietude

[9/10 · 12 March 2024]

If you had told the 20-year-old me that Wim Wenders was asked to make a series of short documentaries about the Tokyo Toilet Project, a redesign of 17 public toilets in the Shibuya ward, but instead made a feature-length drama about an introspective, observant, and painfully human individual whose largely thankless job is to clean those toilets, I would have said that was not for me. I am much older now, and after reading about the production process and having seen the original trailer for Perfect Days, that older me was excited to take in a movie that seemed exactly for me.

I admit that I found a lot in common with Hirayama, portrayed so perfectly so by Koji Yakusho in a role requiring a life of reflection and inward-looking analysis of what it means, or what we hope it means, to live a life in an ever-complicated, over-techified mash of experiences, frustrated by the inevitable truth that no matter how much we can't stand other people, we need society, and trees, and art, and clean, publicly accessible facilities where we can flush away the grimes and effluences that must result from living a life.

To appreciate Perfect Days, you must be able to sit quietly and pay attention for 120 minutes, a large task and large ask of that younger version of me. The older version of me found those 120 minutes to be comforting, magnanimous, and tersely impactful.

Dune: Part Two (2024)

Much better than Part One

[8/10 · 3 March 2024]

It would be a mistake to attempt to cram the entire story of Dune into a single movie, even if that movie were three-hours long. Having read Frank Herbert's Dune hexalogy, I have confidence that Denis Villeneuve could continue on and make entertaining interpretations of both Dune Messiah and Children of Dune. What I really, really, really can't wait to see, of course, and I think we can all agree on this critical point, is what would Timothée Chalamet look like when we get to God Emperor of Dune and he has become a giant, um, well, just look at some of the paperback covers.

Dune: Part Two is a visual feast and smörgåsbord. Even the dunes look pretty. The massive crowds at Arrakeen are a bit whatever, the on-screen chemistry between Chani and Paul is reminiscent of Anakin and Padmé tossing each other cringe-tastic love lines, the pace plods along slower than a spice harvester until the last 30 minutes, and Paul's transformation is not rizz.

But Rebecca Ferguson is great, as is Javier Bardem and Christopher Walken. Dune: Part Two does a far better job of depicting plot movements than Dune: Part One, and also a decent job explaining how the different political factions are perpetually conniving and angling for more power, more spice.

There are a handful of differences between the novel and Dune: Part Two, which I suppose were made for logical reasons. Please, Denis, don't change anything, any thing at all, if you make a movie version of God Emperor of Dune.

The Zone of Interest (2023)

A reminder we continue to need

[8/10 · 19 February 2024]

It's unfathomable and beyond description how evil, wicked, and fundamentally depraved we humans can be with respect to each other, yet we perform acts of evil, wickedness, and fundamental depravity upon each other every day, whether we are actively cognizant or passively entertained. The movie The Zone of Interest, a highly modified adaptation of the book, allows us all the stark reminder that there is little theoretical limit to the utter destruction and senselessness we can inflict when we believe ourselves, and convince others, that our way of life, our existence, depends on wholesale, profitable slaughter.

It would be a horrifying experience to simply listen to the devastatingly sincere and painstakingly researched soundtrack, expertly and deftly edited to accompan the otherwise pleasantly scenic imagery, whether spring, summer, winter, or fall. If nothing else, The Zone of Interest confronts the audience to manifest its own considerations, such as what would we have done had we been there then with the freedom to help another life live, whether friend, family, foe, or other.

Although such movies make us uncomfortable and we might think of ourselves as better than the villains of history and now, it can be small acts of complacency which aggregate and feed the bloodthirsty machinery of destruction, conquest, and irrational hate. We will unfortunately continue to need these reminders as long as we convince ourselves that we are better than others.

Ferrari (2023)

Let's Hope We Get Heat 2

[7/10 · 5 January 2024]

Full disclosure: I saw this movie in the theater because I had read that Michael Mann would use it as a gauge for whether he would attempt to make a sequel to Heat. Message to Michael: I paid full box-office price with real American dollars in the hopes that you will make a sequel to Heat, and if you do, I hope you entitle it "Heat 2: Heater."

Penelope Cruz indeed gives it the all, an Oscar nomination surely locked in. Adam Driver, well, he does not drive all that much in this movie, but he surely would have locked in an Oscar nod if there were a category called "Best Actor Who Portrayed Kylo Ren Again But Instead of a Lightsaber He Wears Sunglasses."

In some ways, Ferrari (the movie) and Napoleon (the movie) both portray respective national icons of their countries (Italy and France, respectively). Without knowing more than what you see in those movies, you would be very hard pressed to understand why anyone liked these men at all. Both are virile, bombastic leaders. One is good with aerodynamics and fluidics, whereas the other has a knack for artillery trajectories.

Yet the lasting impression of Ferrari is not so much about who he ever might have been. Instead, I was left with a stark realization about just how insanely dangerous open-road endurance races are.

Poor Things (2023)

Highly entertaining, a truly dark comedy

[8/10 · 26 December 2023]

I would bet a shiny new nickel that Yorgos Lanthimos has a thing for animals, whether they be lobsters or deer. I am less confident about the Poor Things themselves. Are the Poor Things the animals that have been warped through unnatural and experimental surgeries? Or are the Poor Things just we humans, all eight billion of us, struggling to find meaning in our collective, hectic life which rewards hard work with incremental gains oh-so easily lost through the humdrum happenstance of living? Regardless, I bet Yorgos likes turtles, too.

If you want to see Emma Stone nude and discover the world of bouncy, vigorous, pumping sex, all while meandering through a fantastical series of adventures which are light on body horror and heavy on and witty dialogue, and then further include some throw-away mentions of socialism, Poor Things is the one for you. Treat yourself and see it on the big screen, even.

Stone bravely bares all but with the bonus patina of feminism. I will not attempt to explain how the movie contains feminist themes, for you should be able to discover them on your own. Suffice it to say that Poor Things feels like a more meaningful feminist statement that whatever Mad Max: Fury Road was driving at.

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

A haunting tale of widespread evil

[9/10 · 21 December 2023]

A great sadness and despair is seeping and creeping throughout the Osage community. The depths of depravity and evil which humans can inflict upon each other is harrowingly told with a mastery of storytelling which Martin Scorsese has developed over a passionate lifetime. In the name of God, the unconscionable actions of the opportunistic invaders are expropriating vast amounts of wealth through some of the most sinister conduct imaginable.

Pretending to be in love, getting married, and murdering to get ahead is, unfortunately, an old story. What makes Killers of the Flower Moon so haunting is in telling the tale of how widespread evil can become, and how desperate a community can feel as they gradually lose hope. The movie is also a lesson in just how far into the depths of depravity we can go if we believe, and can make others believe, that the Others are not human, something which comprises a cornerstone of inhumanity. The movie is not good because it is excellent. It is good because it is a historical document and reminder of how quickly and easily society can devolve through greed and hate.

Lily Gladstone gives us a performance of quiet power with dignified indignation. The final minutes are a chilling bit of masterpiece, a chance to gasp and exhale after a bittersweet aftertasting dénouement.

The Holdovers (2023)

Milquetoast watchable

[6/10 · 21 December 2023]

These are not your typical holdovers, this trio of of people who seemingly have absolutely nothing in common except for their individualistic misanthropies, and who would have or could have ever had the foresight to realize this trio would be forced together through the magic of screenwriting. This is a paint-by-numbers tale, worth hearing only because the acting is good and Paul Giamatti's lazy eye will have to fight Bradley Cooper's prosthetic nose for a spot on that shelf of honorary Oscars right next to Will Smith's open hand.

The Holdovers is presumably Alexander Payne's attempt to apologize for Downsizing, a disappointingly small effort which will go down in the annals of movie-review aggregators for being one more film we all wish Christoph Waltz had had the temerity to tell his agent: "Thanks, but money ain't everything." It is hard to imagine being an accomplished director, let alone being an accomplished director who would be excited for the chance at reputational redemption once upon reading the screenplay for The Holdovers. The plot of The Force Awakens feels fresh in comparison.

If the worst one could say about a movie is that it is "unwatchable," The Holdovers presents us an exemplary chance to describe a movie as "milquetoast watchable." It also would have been better to title it "Warmed-up Leftovers."

Silent Night (2023)

A maudlin dark comedy for the holidays

[7/10 · 20 December 2023]

The title is somewhat misleading because the movie has sound. In fact, there are many sounds, sounds of bangs and booms, grunts and groans, stabbings and rippings, all of which you would expect from John Woo and this amazingly maudlin melodrama. Perhaps a technical Oscar nod is fluttering nigh? Or maybe maudlin melodramas are not au courant these days?

What do we learn from this modern-day Jeremiah Johnson? Primarily that we all grieve in different ways, and that's OK. Some of us turn inward and dig deep into our best, creative selves and outwardly express our sadness and honorifics through painting or rededicating ourselves to our careers. Others of us turn hard and fast to straight-warm vodka by the tumbler, somewhat conspicuously near our tool benches in our garages.

After diving into that vodka-infused Darkness, it's time to stand up and learn a bunch of important life skills, such as stabbing stuff with knives, shooting different types of guns with various gradations of mastery, and packing on protein pounds until all muscles work in a beautiful, harmonious concert of slaughter. You can accomplish any and all of your goals given enough time and dedication.

It is not clear that the message of Silent Night is a good one, at least for our modern society. It is always okay to check your brain at the door of the movie theater, and on the way out of Silent Night, one would be also wise to check one's pants, for this is a seat-edge dark comedy that will fill your empty skull with raw entertainment.

The Boy and the Heron (2023)

A wonderful trip

[7/10 · 19 December 2023]

Are animated movies nothing more than graphic novels in moving form? Is Miyazaki a misunderstood or fully understood genius creator of movies, regardless whether the movies are live in their actions or confusing in their inked majesties?

Irrelevant to the needs of the critics or the viewers, we have here in a movie something that should be seen and experienced on a large screen with sincerity. Without spiriting away too many details of the magical surprises, and without gushing too much about how cool the animated animals, especially the fishies and the white, globby things appear, move, or squeak, I will now endeavor to present a list of Things I Learned while watching The Boy and the Heron instead of a more formalistic review:

The people involved in making this fine moving picture were either on some good drugs or wanted to be.

When your mom (no spoilers) dies in the city, your dad will move to the country and hang out with your aunt because she looks like a younger version of your mom.

Being sad and lonely is something we can all achieve, but both are far easier when you have a mysterious bird heckling your sadness and loneliness If you smash your head with a rock, really hard, a wizard will said rock to build an interdimensional tower with which, and into which, the wizard will lure wandering souls, at which point those wandering souls will lose their minds forever (or become old women).

Sometimes the bird gets the early worm.

Napoleon (2023)

A Waterloo for You

[6/10 · 25 November 2023]

It had been some time since I had studied the Battle of Austerlitz, but in my defense, I had recently listened to the 1812 Overture as well as ABBA's "Waterloo," a song which assuredly does not in any way come close to imparting the ultimate denouement for our anti-hero. Or was Napoleon a hero-hero? Your answer will affect whether you get your justified dessert, a Vanilla Apricot Napoleon Torte from the Lithuanian Bakery.

Napoleon, the movie, is perhaps, better, say, than Gladiator, the movie, something to which Bangor T. Klimt had a pithy response: "Low bar." This retort was risibly reparted through repartee of mine own: "Gladiator did win Best Picture." Before I could fire off another pithy pièce de résistance, Bangor sabotaged my petard with: "Um. Shakespeare in Love and An American in Paris?"

By the end of this biopic, one is left to wonder why one would ever willingly become, let alone remain to be, a French infantryman. No matter what hat the general wears, no matter how well he rides his horse, no matter how loudly he toots his own horn in the name of past glories and bloody battlefield victories, I cannot help but imagine typical soldiers wondering why, why, why would we willingly waltz thither into a line of firing riflemen and cannoneers? That's surely something that can wait for nicer weather.

It is far, far easier to don a corny hat and act like a power-hungry maniac than to be one. Then again, I do not even own a hat.

Oppenheimer (I) (2023)

Uncertainty is the principle

[7/10 · 22 July 2023]

As auteurs so often must do, whether by choice or by some deep sense of selfishness, they must decide which three hours, out of so many more, to create from a source material that could be combined or split into discrete parts, maybe eventually a miniseries or podcast. As Julius Caesar once wrote, as the victor of the Gallic Wars, all of Gaul is divided into three parts. I have no doubt that Caesar struggled to decide which to write about most, and with what spin.

I also have a near-zero doubt that Christopher Nolan struggled to determine which parts of J. Robert Oppenheimer's life to slather together into a three-hour tour of a not-so-subtle reminder that of all the existential threats we humans ignore, it is probably total nuclear war which should be relatively high on the list.

Fine acting. Fine dialogue. Cillian Murphy survives through a joyless task of portraying a deeply troubled man, especially when it comes time for an important public talk or a public demonstration of just how big a bomb could be, at least based on current efforts.

How many presidents will Gary Oldman portray? Why do we get a third act filled with uncertainty and no intermission? What on Earth has kept us from mutually assured destruction?

Or were we always sauntering on borrowed time?

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

Meh, meh, meh, they made another one

[5/10 · 30 June 2023]

As most others agree, it would be difficult to make a worse addition to the Indy franchise than the one which South Park so expertly excoriated. For whatever reason (money), They tried and made another one.

The Dial of Destiny is no Duke of Dubuque, but then again, it might be an Artifact of Archimedes. That's not a spoiler. Full disclosure, however: I accidentally walked into the 4:30 showing instead of the 5:30 showing and did not realize until 90 minutes later when the credits rolled that I had missed an entirely missable first hour (including a Wilhelm Scream) of whatever new or old adventures Indy and the audience endured. That might say more about the movie, and movies generally, than any review could express.

That's right, Hollywood, we can miss the first hour of your stupid-long movies and still get it. Can we make movies under two hours, pretty please? If not, let's at least add a l'entracte or two so I can recharge my vape pens and refill my Delta-12 pods.

Four names are listed as the writers, but I have an inkling they just might have fed the first three installments into an AI something and out came another one. It even looks like the AI picked the right color palette and Adobe Premiere plugins for that nostalgic sheen, and John Williams was able to rehash his old ideas without the aid of computers. We did get some fruit carts!

Mads Mikkelsen, you were scarier as Hannibal than a bespectacled attempt at channeling a darker Belloq.

Karen Allen, you gave us a far more sincere and tender moment than the movie deserved. Thank you for doing another one.

Belfast (2021)

A loving tribute to childhood memories

[7/10 · 5 September 2022]

What a wonderful tribute to childhood memories and the pain of learning that the world is full of terrible adults who never can let go of their petty grievances which they formed as they grew up, making "Do as I say, not as I do" a complete guide to parenting. It's with great restraint, for sure, that Kenneth Branagh did not cast himself as either himself as a child or as his own dad or grandfather, but thankfully more tasteful choices prevailed and Ciarán Hinds filled the role of Pops ever so wonderfully. Thanks, too, to Judi Dench as Granny, for providing a sweetness that one hopes was more than methodical acting.

Growing up is often not enjoyable, when all you want to do is explore and find fun, but the adults and harsh realities of inevitable responsibility creep in, usually near the end of summer. Even worse, people apparently not only had to endure shocking violence and terror in Northern Ireland, but also an incessant battering of pop songs from Van Morrison as if they were the official soundtrack to this particular irregular war among those who would rather or would rather not become part of a united Ireland.

Branagh pays wistful homage to his memories and those who helped them form, a love letter or paean to Belfast and hope for a less contentious future.

Licorice Pizza (2021)

A fun slice of nostalgic scenes

[7/10 · 30 August 2022]

Ah, Los Angeles, Hollywood, 1970s, youth, drugs, and maybe some sex? Oh, to hop into a time machine, one which also makes you younger, socially viable, and economically sound, to land in the middle of the infinite futures. Some futures involve waiting in long lines of cars for gas, while other futures involve running or bicycling by those long lines of waiting cars.

It is an idealized vision, to be sure. Even the bad stuff in life never gets too bad for our possibly-in-love protagonists. Whatever is bad or unpleasant about love, life, or money can be talked through or painted over with a new set of experiences which are overly abundant and as broad as your risk tolerance can handle.

The story jitters forward through setups and encounters inspired by real people and real places. Gazing through our 4-D glasses, we might wonder whether anything really changes in Los Angeles except for the clothes and hairstyles.

We could turn that gaze inward. What if what you are currently experiencing is something which makes you happy, but only after you look back upon it with a wistful slice of nostalgia? More importantly, who would portray you in the movie version? What would be the setlist for the soundtrack of your life?

Prey (I) (2022)

An enjoyable prequel

[7/10 · 22 August 2022]

It will bring us all a great deal of comfort to learn that roughly 300 years ago, a lonely Predator, perhaps a plain and pioneering Predator, landed somewhere in North America to go on an intergalactic safari of sorts, hunting down species native to Earth. One can only imagine that if an intrepid human had cavorted across the cosmos at the same time and discovered the Predator Planet (denoted as Yautja Prime by our online overlords), such human would most assuredly be annihilated quite quickly, hit with about a thousand little rockets which would turn the human into an unrecognizable mist of pink droplets.

Indeed, Predators are violent, but in this specific case the Predator at least abides by a partial warrior code. One of the rules is you only kill stuff that tries to kill you or appears to be threatening to you. There are no specific rules against using highly advanced alien technology to unfairly flip the odds in your favor, of course, such as turning on your cloak of invisibility.

No doubt our pre-Predator was looking for an enjoyable respite or diversion from the boring jaunts on other planets, but it only takes about 70 or 80 minutes of runtime to realize you better not pre-judge your prey, lest you bite off more than you can blow up.

Stillwater (2021)

An OK hero

[7/10 · 26 July 2022]

It is largely irrelevant that Stillwater presents a conundrum for casual viewers. On the one hand, Stillwater could be a jingoistic defense of the Ugly American abroad, what with Matt Damon channeling his inner Rambo: Final Rambo or something more akin to a Liam Neeson on European holiday trying to take back what was tooken (likely a daughter, almost always one's dignity). On the other hand, it might be a modern satire of American Exceptionalism, not doing as the Romans would do when in Rome, certainly not bothering to learn any fancy French words, being suspicious of anything unfamiliar, especially the food.

Either angle is acceptable and appropriate, for one could applaud at the boorishness of the OK hero while simultaneously finding it cringeworthy. One could be disappointed in the hero's stubbornness to tackle every trial and tribulation with a sense of Yankee pride or total disregard and cultural indifference.

To resolve our dilemma, it is best to consider Stillwater a morality play, an inquiry into what makes us "good guys" or not.

Nope (2022)

Extremely creative, not scary

[7/10 · 26 July 2022]

Have four little letters (N O P E) provided so many different interpretations? Perhaps nope, but the movie is more than multiple perspectives for multiple interpretations. It is a wildly creative genre-bending spectacular, not neatly fitting into specific stalls or horse barns, not really a horror movie, not really a thriller, more like a disadventure into the ennui of a life of horse training.

Nope conjures an admixture of Hugo meeting some Close Encounters, adds a dash of Jaws to taste, and garnished lightly with some Sundowners sans sheep shearing, and you'll likely hear a few audience members exhale abruptly at the conclusion: "What did I just watch?" Others maybe: "Well, that was about the dumbest thing I've ever seen."

These kinds of terse, dismissive responses are a stiff bristling against the basic form of the Spectacle, for a spectacle is to be watched and reflected upon, and it should engender more thought than a clumsy, knee-jerk reaction. Nope is a critique upon fame, success, ambition, and bravado, while also providing a strong argument against training animals for shows. You never know when an animal will want to be more like itself and go off script, punching up dialogue or kicking at your teeth.

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe (2022)

A movie for your bunghole!

[8/10 · 25 July 2022]

The dumbest teens in the universe ride again to do the universe, or some versions of the universe, in a series of cleverly idiotic, puerile, sometimes borderline infantile, references to naughty bits and scoring (what kids call sex). Unfortunately, even the smartest of Beavises and Butt-Heads are not that smart, considering the overall continuum or constellation of possible Beavises and Butt-Heads has a relative and absolute baseline which is quite low, and that can be hard on anyone who adheres to the credo that the pen is mightier than the sword (or schlong).

It is Mike Judge in his wheelhouse, swinging away at softballs on tees into the outer rim, a job he navigates with sails at full mast, wagging a finger or two stiffly at black holes and big bangs. Our protagonists are so stupid that they cannot avoid wandering from misadventure to misadventure through the sheer force of happenstance, too dumb to realize their peril, dumber yet when they take action to solve their misperceived problems.

With the universe having been thoroughly done by Beavis and Butt-Head, what possibly remains for our intrepid horn-dogs?

The Black Phone (2021)

Blah, meh, call back later

[5/10 · 30 June 2022]

Thanks to The Black Phone, we now know what Ethan Hawke looks like in creepy masks, ever-so-creatively dubbed "The Grabber." The Black Phone answers the call for a movie that cobbles together elements from Touched by an Angel, Ghost, Deathloop, Room, and Phone Booth, although once cobbled, one is glad for the relatively short runtime of 1:43. This is because no one really talks on the phone anymore, maybe just a quick chat here and there, and the dark fun normally associated with a Blumhouse production is unavailable. Tastefully so, for abductions of children is hardly a fertile ground for light-heartedness.

Thankfully for the protagonist, The Grabber is a mere mortal. On the other hand, the townsfolk sure have a hard time spotting his very large, very black van filled with black balloons, even when it's parked across the street in a carport. Yet on some other hand, it is also fortunate that The Grabber leaves long rolls of decent carpet around and nods off into relatively deep slumbers, only to be awoken at the slightest creak of a floorboard or the sound of someone in the audience cracking open a beer to wash down the mildly bitter taste of a film blandly dialing for our dollars.

The Phantom of the Open (2021)

Could have easily been sappy

[6/10 · 27 June 2022]

Some dare to dream of sinking a 10-foot putt to win a golf tournament, but those who do usually know what golf is and have played it some. The Phantom of the Open, based on a biography of Maurice Flitcroft, suggests our hero had some fanciful dreams of starry nights and moons of golf balls, a post-midlife crisis solution to ennui and a child-like need for attention.

The movie would be far too saccharine, far too maudlin, and far too sappy without Sally Hawkins and Mark Rylance in the leads. Rylance putts around like a doting, loving, naïve family man who is being downsized or creeping towards obsolescence. A little research into Flitcroft, however, suggests a far less foolish person, someone much more self-aware, more cunning, more fabulist at heart, as if Papillion fancied himself a duffer. Hawkins fills a role that needs to accomplish little more than keep the sentimental sugar cubes from completely dissolving into this 100 minutes of sweet tea.

Lesser actors would have glazed this honey ham to the point of being candied, too rich for a stage play but too banal for a Lifetime movie. One can aspire to greatness and beyond, and the great can inspire others to emulate or follow. The rest of us must live somewhere in that bog of mundanity as the mediocrities of the world.

Crimes of the Future (2022)

A Corpus Bristly

[6/10 · 6 June 2022]

The title suggests another adaptation of Minority Report or Judge Dredd, but we quickly find what some are calling a return to Cronenberg's roots in body horror. The Latin word for "body" is "corpus" and the Latin word "horror" translates directly into English as "a bristling," specifically of hair, as if we have sensed something which causes us goosebumps, which in turn causes our hair to stand up. Instead of body horror, one could argue Crimes of the Future is a "corpus bristly," warts and all.

Viggo does Viggo and channels a non-Kabuki Emperor Palpatine crossed with whatever Adam Driver was doing in Annette, both as plodding, hooded, and brooding performers who have taken their talents to a theater of absurdity. The absurdity is the focus, not the hairy horror, and it might not be possible to spoil a movie such as this, because it might not be important that the movie has a plot. It could be a ham-fisted critique of upper-class fetishization of fashion or whatever is the flavor of the day. It could be a veiled critique of aesthetic snobbery or techno-libertarianism and either late-stage capitalism or the administrative deep state.

Body horror is in the body and mind of the beholder, not those beholden to it, and it's OK to appreciate the the way someone else styles their hair, even if you would never yourself.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)

If viewed without the MCU, it's a classic horror film

[8/10 · 18 May 2022]

With all these multiverses and metaverses floating around at non-Newtonian, non-Euclidean, or monetized angles, it's a wonder anyone finds time to get out of bed and put pants on to defeat quasi-existential threats of any kind, time, place, manner, matter, or criss-crossed platform. The title drops another clue that we might be in store for a Cthulhu or two, certainly a movie rife with Sam Raimi's personal love-touches which are sure to include that crafty Bruce Campbell.

Some have suggested this Doctor Strange is a full-service fan-job, yet the darkness of the horror is playful and the names of the characters or their origins are irrelevant to this tale, just as it would not matter what Cthulhu's house looks like or what Cthulhu does in its leisure time. The core question within all of the versions of ourselves is whether we have lived our lives with proper gusto and thus moved the cosmic needle. If so, we then ask what that means, blow up some buildings, insert a denouement, wipe the smudges off our 3-D glasses, and rebuild back better based on Lessons Learned.

Thankfully, there is left open the distinct possibility that there exists some version of a Spider-Man with the ability to shoot webs from his (or her or its or their) butt(s).

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022)

Meta-review

[5/10 · 27 April 2022]

Like all of the meta movies before it, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent punches you in the face, sometimes stabs you a bit, shoots at you, yells at you, does drugs with you, and otherwise appears to you pretty much exactly how you would expect from a movie with such a self-aggrandizing, (ponderous, man, ponderous), self-anointed title of The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.

The first 15-20 minutes are, themselves, an unbearable weight of exposition that is almost superfluous, mostly painting by number, and surely not necessary. John Malkovich might be rolling around on top of his own meta-grave at this point, and we all know that only Hollywood sends up Hollywood so sharply well that we have to tolerate movies such as this every 15-20 years to remind us that when we pay money to see a show at a movie theater, we are buying only that, and just that: a show. This show comes with a handful (three) decent laughs, a whole lot of eye-rollers, a dearth of knee-slappers, and a peppering of snickers, tees, and (or) hees.

Somewhere out there is a Platonic ideal of a meta-movie based on a meta-drama that a meta-company will produce for a metaverse, this I know is true.