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Reviews
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)
I've watched 20 mins so far...
... and I'm just not impressed. The film is too bright and too pink. Godzilla 2014 set the right tone; it was serious stuff. Skull Island, whilst not brilliant was still better than this. King Kong (2005) had less impressive but not immersive SFX. Godzilla (1998) was more enjoyable, with better characters and bonus spot the Simpsons voice actor material.
This just isn't good and I'm wondering if I can even be bothered to watch the rest of it. I'm not sure what they've done differently with the SFX but the idea is that no matter how ridiculous, it's supposed to still look realistic, and this doesn't. It looks like a game, which appears to have been the intention of the creators.
I don't really like anything about this film. It is inferior to every monster verse movie in every way possible. Kong is no longer an ape but some anthropomorphised upright humanoid and none of the human tech looks remotely realistic. None of it is good and I hate the creators and director for making some Planet Of The Apes with dragons rubbish instead of a proper monster movie for grown-ups.
Flood (2007)
Kinda good, kinda bad
We watched the 3hr 2 part special on Prime and it was certainly a show that we've watched. Robert Carlyle did some acting in it, as did some other people. Tom Courtney was pretty bad, unless the intention was to deliver his lines in a manner consistent with that of someone experiencing human contact for the first time.
David Suchet, usually such a fine actor, somewhat phoned this one in. A rookie Tom Hardy did his best cockney accent and Nigel Planer was off-puttingly awkward. Other than that, the SFX were alright but not exactly awesome but the action was fun enough. Without doubt the biggest gripe is the inconsistent logic, disregard for physics and stupid plot lines.
Watch it or don't. It won't change your life either way.
The Black Demon (2023)
Pretty bad
This is a movie about a shark. Or at least it should be. In fact I'm actually still watching it, but couldn't wait until the end to post a review.
Night of the characters are worth rooting for, and whilst the actors don't do a great job, the aren't working with brilliant material.
I think the problem is that Jaws set the bar so high each subsequent shark film is constantly trying to outdo, which is foolish. Just try to aim somewhere between Jaws and The Meg and it will be fine!
This film is trying to use the shark as some sort of metaphor for the wrath of the planet for Man's persistent abuse, but no one wants that; we just want to switch off our brains and watch some people get eaten.
Sharks are cool. It's far scarier to keep it realistic. Sharks don't get angry, they don't wage war, or seek revenge. Hooper said it best, "all the do is eat and make baby sharks" what could be scarier than that!?
Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)
Very disappointing.
I will start by saying that I am not an avid Star Wars fan, if I were it's quite possible I would've felt personally insulted by this film. It's really very poor. The characters are all awful, the story is awful, the acting if bad, the SFX are incredibly sub-standard given it is almost 2024, and the action scenes aren't really that at all because they are all in super slow-mo.
Zack Sneyder is capable of much better than this. It is understandable why it was rejected by the Star Wars franchise as there is nothing here that they haven't already done bigger and better and 45 years before this turd.
Emily the Criminal (2022)
Well made and original
We applaud the attempt to make an original movie. It's well shot, well acted, the cinematography is good, and it is just about the right run length. What is problematic is that none of the characters are likable, particularly the protagonist who we are supposed to be rooting for.
Presumably we are supposed to get behind Emily, a woman on the cusp of turning 40, who dropped out of college but not before acquiring 70k of tuition debt, has no real job and no real aspirations. Even when given a lifeline by a bizarrely generous criminal, who provides her basic rules and equipment for free, to essentially become a rival, she fails to follow those very basic rules which leads to her being threatened in her own home, destroying a family and their business and having the flee the country, leaving her boyfriend bleeding to death.
What's to support here? She is an awful and despicable character with no redeeming qualities. She dresses like she's still in her 20s and conducts herself with zero accountability. It's symptomatic of society today, where people think the world owes them something.
Vikingulven (2022)
Enjoyable creature feature from Norway
Another solid entry from the Norwegians on the back of an excellent recent Troll movie. The premise is pretty obvious but it is delivered in a way that makes a fairly tired genre interesting. Impressive special effects and some steady, if not brilliant acting, enhance a decent story line. The main character is quite dislikable but that's ok as she is a teenage girl so is at least dislikable in a believable way and it pays off. The usual oddball characters make the same weird decisions they do in all these films but again, it's ok. This film does what you want it to do and does it with some tidy gore and action set pieces.
The Ninth Gate (1999)
Not Depp's finest work
This is your standard 3.6 Röentgen movie. Not great, not terrible. Depp is ok but the other characters are very cliché. A bunch of rich deviants collect rare books and worship the Devil and show flagrant disregard for very nice cars.
This film contains some of the most OTT Hollywood smooching you will ever see but by biggest issue with the movie is the main antagonist. He covets a rare book, of which he owns 1 of 3 in existence, and wants the others. However, during his exploits to acquire them he just destroys them rather than take them because he only wants the drawings. This disproportionately annoyed me.
Depp wears one of those Denzel Washington-style baggy suits during the movie and displays an entirely believable level of stupidity and incompetence throughout, all delivered in an accent that seems weird because it isn't his faux British voice he uses for POTC.
Frontière(s) (2007)
It's French
This film was by no means bad but neither did it add anything new to an already bloated genre. Everything was filmed in a weird sepia tone that did add a certain Frenchness to the affair but also made it feel like it was filmed using a Nokia 3310.
All of the characters were dreadful and not just because they were either French or Nazis or both. They made the usual terrible and inexplicable decisions and ultimately you are left feeling that they deserve their fate.
There was some decent gore but it all seemed to be captured in a hurry, suggesting the budget didn't allow for too many lingering shots, and the shaky cam is some of the most nauseating I have witnessed. Have your bucket ready.
Monster (2022)
Honest and gripping
The producers of this show have done a great job in honestly representing Jeffrey Dahmer as something more than just a mindless murderer. What we get to see is a deeply disturbed young man failed by everyone around him at a every step throughout his life.
Dahmer himself was a victim of those who failed to acknowledge and act on his strange behaviour and then ignore him when he asked for help. When his father finally did something pro-active to help his alcoholism, he was already a murderer and it was too late.
I like everything about this show. As with Mindhunter, the production quality is excellent, as is the direction and acting by all involved. Evan Peters is incredible. He somehow manages to look convincingly both 17 and 31 at various points in the timeline.
Having read much about Dahmer, I thought the depiction of him as a lost boy who just wanted his victims to stay, was quite moving and left me pitying one of the most notorious serial killers of all time, who perpetrated just about every conceivable act of deviancy imaginary.
Unlike other killers such as Ted Bundy, Dahmer didn't set out to deceive, conquer and dominate his victims, as he very clearly felt empathy for them as he didn't want them to suffer, so in this regard I don't think he can be considered a true psychotpath. More himself a victim of a terrible mother and an ignorant father.
This show is brilliant. It's horrific, moving, uncomfortable to watch, and fantastically acted.
Resident Evil (2022)
Disruptive time-jumping, unlikeable characters
I had high hopes for this series, probably like every other person who had their teenage years in the 90s and got to play the game. There have now been so many interations of the movies I can barely remember the game. What I do remember though is that it had more atmosphere and jump scares than any of the movies have managed.
I quite liked the recent movie, and the more times I watch the original adaptation the more I enjoy it. This series however I am not enjoying. The jumping around in time is incredibly disruptive and stunts any enjoyment that might be had otherwise. Just do one episode at a time in a certain time if you must have them running concurrently!
The main character Jade is incredibly hateful. A self-righteous arse hat that is the epitomy of modern kids, particularly women. It was best summed up by Melvin Udall in As Good As It Gets when he explains how he writes women so well: "I think of a man and take away reason and accountability". Can't say that now of course.
Jade screams in people's faces throughout, whilst demanding they help her because reasons. She offers no reason to back her as a character. Personally, I was rooting for the Irishman. The actor playing Albert does a good job. He has some good screen presence, but other than that it's pretty poor.
We will finish it as we are half way through, but that's the only reason. So much money must have been spent making this, but so little thought.
Pig (2021)
Nic just wants his pig back
I liked this film a lot more than I expected to. It's nice to Nic Cage appearing in some decent movies again and putting in a good performance. And this film is decent despite it preposterous concept.
Geostorm (2017)
Too much Armageddon, not enough Contagion
I guess there are different ways to appreciate movies. For example: The Godfather is a good film that I did not enjoy watching, whereas Geostorm is a bad film I did enjoy watching. It has some good CGI and I think had they approached it with a more serious intent then perhaps it could've been better, despite the ridiculous concept.
The Descent (2005)
A group of dislikable women, venture on an expedition they are ill-equiped for.
So, after some back story no one asked for or wanted, we finally get to see some rather spectacular natural phenomena: women unable to agree or work together in a fashion that benefits the group.
Fortunately this is short lived as they meet their demise in a cave system that is "uncharted" except for the group of men that got there 100 years before and are now cave golems that will bite your face.
Fin.
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
The real movie here was HAL 9000
My fiance and I decided to watch 2001 on Boxing Day 2021, having managed to avoid it for the first 42 years of our lives. Our main reason for watching it was learning that Sir Anthony Hopkins based Hannibal Lecter on HAL, and you can really see the influence. Sadly, HAL's descent in maniacal tyrant got precious little screen time in favour of Kubrick's pretentious nausea inducing swell of noise. What a let down.
Black Christmas (2019)
Shame on Cary Elwes.
This film is terrible in a way few others have ever been able to even get close to. An awful premise poorly delivered, it offers nothing worthy of your time. It is just 90 minutes of man-hating. But only white men. Because no white man has ever done anything worthwhile. Despite building Western civilisation as we know it, of course.
The Liability (2012)
Enjoyable banter between Jack O'Connell and Tim Roth
We enjoyed this movie not least of all for the chemistry between Jack O'Connell and Tim Roth. Both very adept actors who are able to be funny in the way only British people can be, whilst protraying a serious role.
True to form O'Connell is his usual unlikable toerag character and Roth smokes a cigarette whilst dying slowly from a gunshot wound. The ending seemed a bit rushed but overall it is a good watch.
Guns Akimbo (2019)
Daniel Radcliffe doing everything he can not to be Harry Potter anymore
This film was funny, crude, violent, and had Daniel Radcliffe swearing a lot. He deserves a lot of credit for not just becoming another fallen child star; instead, he is a bonafide actor, with a real liability in his methods. We have watched him in many different films now, portraying a number of different roles, and different character types, and he always performs really well.
If you want 90 minutes of mindless violence and stupidity, then you need look no further.
Parlor (2015)
Unnecessary sex scenes but extremely visceral gore.
This film had quite a lot going for it. Essentially the same plot as Hostel but with much more believable gore. It also benefits from a quite unnerving main character, excellently portrayed by the actor.
Sadly, the writer and director clearly didn't believe enough in their own movie as they felt it required one fairly graphic sex scene and many scenes set in a strip club that were completely pointless and added nothing to the film.
There are no major plot twists that you can't see coming but it's all put together pretty well. It's just a shame the writer/director didn't have as much conviction in what they were doing as the SFX people, who really did do some top notch work on the gore.