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Reviews
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)
The Average Spider-man 2: Flop of Electro
Garfield is the best Spider-man in the stupidest universe. I don't know why Dr Manhattan was running around in underpants, and how he soon after managed to find super spandex armour, but he should have stayed on his home planet.
I wish I was Vishnu so I could give this movie all my thumbs down. Except for one, which goes up for 'Garfie' and Gwemma Staney (I hear they like being called that). It was just...so long. And pointless. Then Dane Dehand shows up as the Green Gobjob and he looks like a flying booger-monster.
I don't recommend this movie. If nobody watches it maybe Sony'll give up the rights and Marvel can make a good movie. I hope they keep Andy Garf as spider-man.
What a bucket of crap.
Troll 2 (1990)
Cinemantastic Disasterpiece
Haha, wow.
Troll 2 is one of those rare horror movies that could make you appreciate having thrush because, on the bright side, you didn't make Troll 2. This movie is what happens when the forces of screen writing and brain-damage inseminate a jackal, whose child is melted down in holy water and turned into haunted film. The super intelligent apes of the future will watch Troll 2 to make them feel less guilty about the worldwide rapey-genocide they will have committed on us humans. And it will work.
Troll 2 should be rated MA15+ and never shown to your children. It will erase every lesson you have ever taught them about stranger danger. If you show this movie to your child, there is a 100% chance they will become molested or dead within the next hour. It's like saying candyman into the mirror, except the mirror is a television, you don't have to say candyman and the candyman is every rapist in your suburb. I've never seen characters act this stupid outside of a Chris Farley movie. I can only conclude that Claudio Fragasso is some kind of murdering rapist and Nilbog is his fantasy world where parental instruction is as scarce as parental supervision. Giving this movie to a kid must legally be considered 'accosting a minor for immoral purposes'. In Claudio's goblish molestopia, kids always do what you tell them to, even if you're a predator in a policeman's outfit offering them a hamburger made of green goo (Which happens. And he eats it). If a pack of murderers know you have Troll 2 in your movie collection, they won't bother to bring rope.
The magic of cinema is supposed to take you to fantastic places and allow you to escape the drudgery of everyday life. The magic of Troll 2 will throw you in a van and take you its gingerbread house. So, if you love fantastically shitty movies, I highly recommend it. If you have trouble finding a copy, I'm pretty sure it comes free with every child abductor's starter kit.
Tomorrow, When the War Began (2010)
Fortunately not the best Australia has on-offer.
'Tomorrow When The War Began' - one of Australia's more popular pieces of fiction - doesn't exactly translate smoothly to film in this 20 million dollar blockbuster.
Of course, hearing the term 'blockbuster' attributed to any Australian film is indicative of what we can hope is a growing film industry lathered with potential (let's just forget about 'Australia'). Tomorrow When the War Began aims for the appearance of a big budget, Hollywood- esquire film whilst also trying to keep its feet planted in Australia. It is half-way successful in that regard, as the special effects are surprisingly impressive and large-scale, yet this is perhaps one of the failings of this film.
The attraction of the recent, more popular Australian films is generally in their capacity to impress with such constrained budgets. Necessity is the mother of invention, as they say, and in the case of 'TWTWB', the lack of necessity appears to have made director/writer Stuart Beattie forgot some key requirements for a good film - the most noticeable being an absence of a good script.
Well done if you can be happy with this film despite its sloppy dialog, clumsy characters and urine-puddle acting. At moments, TWTWB feels like a bad horror movie, where the characters lacking sense of urgency during life-threatening moments is at odds with the seriousness of their situation, which dawns more often during moments of relative safety.
Despite their actions being hard to believe, the characters are, at least, well-varied and make a watch-able team. More could have been done to vary the pace of the film, whereas, as it seems to drag you through the mud in a constant onslaught of dire peril, only coming up for air in sporadic moments of misplaced humour.
If it weren't for these failings bludgeoning me over the head every few minutes, I would have really enjoyed this movie. For an Australian film the effects are great and there are some seat-clenching moments. It's much different from what one can generally expect to come out of this country and hopefully it will be well-received, but when you've got films like 'Two Hands' getting seven stars I've got to be honest.
Also I'll note that just because it's drawing material from a book doesn't change the fact that parts of the film could've been given more attention. Direct adaptations have a tendency to fail ala 'HP and the Philosopher's Stone'.
Harry Brown (2009)
The film of the year
The plot for this film is something we may be familiar with, but has it never been executed in such a manner as done in Harry Brown. This film has everything that the general public wishes to see in a vigilante story. It doesn't get bogged down in the sympathetic approaches to criminality that is common nowadays, so what you get is a movie that paints a more honest picture of life in a crime-infested, residential area.
The direction, score and acting in Harry Brown come together to create one of the most intense film I've ever seen. Director Daniel Barber takes his time with many scenes at the beginning of the film - a risky move at times but one he pulls off well. It allows the film to progressively build pace and keep the audience interested.
The characters are archetypal scum and aren't developed on too much. Some may see this as a fault but, to the contrary, it allows the audience to engage more with the plight of Harry Brown. It also doesn't distract us from one of the key themes of the film: Are our police and legal system really set-up to protect our citizens and strike out the root of crime, or do they simply target the perpetrators that are the easiest to indite?
This movie is a must-see. Truly riveting stuff.
Huo Yuan Jia (2006)
A truly genuine Chinese kung fu film
When was the last time you saw a decent kung fu film that didn't base its formula on some stereotyped martial artist beating his way through a poor script and an unexciting story? Or a kung fu film that didn't revolve around epic stories of love, betrayal and all that jazz? Until you see this movie you may have believed such blood pumping kung fu films such as "Shaolin Temple" and "Once Upon a Time in China" were to be an admired thing of the past, but Jet Li's final martial arts masterpiece, "Fearless", is definitely one to join the ranks of such classics.
The story is based on a true biography and follows Jet Li's character, Huo Yuan Jia, who, from a young age, aspires to follow in his father's footsteps and become a master of Wushu. As he grows older he becomes ever stronger and out of control until his selfish arrogance leads to a series of tragic deaths, causing Huo Yuan Jia to flee his hometown. In his exile he turns his focus towards repairing the faults of his past and learning the true spirit of Wushu kung fu.
This movie is mainly directed at lovers of Jet Li's no fuss martial arts classics. The story's not too intense and it has epic battles, but it does have its heart purely in the marvel of Chinese kung fu. Jet Li performs the most amazing fight sequences I've ever seen and the camera-work is brilliant. Anyone with a sweet-tooth for true Chinese martial arts MUST see this film; it is a loyal and perfectly assembled kung fu soon-to-be classic and a worthy departure for Jet Li from a genre he practically created.
Hobgoblins (1988)
Cinemantastic Disasterpiece
Usually a review starts with a small synopsis of the film. This is difficult when the director, Rick Sloane, forgets what film he was making half-way through and only gives enough of a damn to hand his camera over to his eight-year-old imagination. *Spoiler* Rick was molested as an eight-year-old.
This movie starts off in an abandoned movie lot (sigh) where the protagonist, Kevin, starts his new job as an undoubtedly small- genitalled night-watch man. The old-hat night-watch mentor guy tells Kevin that he can't open the vault for no particular reason. At some point, the vault gets opened and the hobgoblins escape. The hobgoblins are capable of making people's wishes come true and funnily enough *spoiler* every character's deepest wish costs less than twenty-dollars and never involves naked boobs. According to the old guy, they have to get the hobgoblins back into the vault before dawn or else – you guessed it – something. We never find out what 'something' is, but it's only mentioned about twice before the script runs out and the cast improvises the rest of the film. There's a rake-fight in there somewhere and something to do with a nunchuk bikie fight(ish) so that Kevin can impress his hag girlfriend. The best part is the end *spoiler* when the hobgoblins go back to the vault for no reason all and the old security guard blows it up because, well, screw the audience, they've stopped watching anyway!
If I may be so bold as to use my own rating system: /10 when drunk: 7.5 /10 when sober: -smart