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No Hard Feelings (2023)
Unoriginal and unfunny
You know how everyone is saying there is nothing original coming out of Hollywood any more? No Hard Feelings is a prime example of that. You would think that Jennifer Lawrence would set her sights more high-brow, but here she goes for the lowest common denominator of comedy. You know how there are no brains to the straight-to-video National Lampoon 'films'? Those are like Citizen Kane by comparison. I'm not exactly sure why they call this a comedy, when the movie doesn't succeed in creating a single funny moment. Save yourself the movie and avoid this peice of trash. All this movie accomplishes is feeding Jennifer Lawrence's ego.
The House of the Devil (2009)
Sometimes a slow burn is not a good thing
This movie takes a long time to get going and even longer to be compeling in any way. When the mundane seemingly subsides, and mildly dramatic things start happening, the movie is half over. Anything remotely interesting from a horror perspective happens in the last 10 minutes of the film. And even then the events aren't all that scary nor original. It felt like I was watching a bad student film whose creators were too caught up in the subject matter to really say anything to the audience. They were just doing what ever other horror filmmaker has done, and not as well. Anyone with an average attention span will be asleep in the first 20 minutes. And believe me, you're not missing much.
Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead (2005)
What in the hell did I just watch?
Dance of the Dead is an assault on the senses, and not in a good way. The constant fast zooms, overlays, flashes, and quick cuts make it feel like the editors were on the same drugs used by the antagonists. I know this sort of style was chic in the 90s and early 2000s, but now it was enough to make this reviewer nauseous. If that wasn't enough, some scenes carry on way passed the point it was trying to make. The amount of redundancy in DotD is staggering. Some stuff seems to go on forever unnessarily. Alright already! We get it! If they had trimmed the fat, it probably would have been half as long. I get what they were trying to say, but it was a very convoluted way of going about it. And the actual 'dance' of the dead feels like a missed opportunity to showcase more traditional zombie scares just done in a different way. The ending does feel like poetic justice, if only the rest wasn't so jumbled and incoherent. DotD was a massive waste of talent, behind and in front of the camera. Watching this it was difficult to care, and I almost shut it off halfway through. And I rarely do that with anything. This dance was dead on arrival.
Uncharted (2022)
Amy Pascal needs to be fired
Sony owns Spider-Man. Tom Holland plays Spider-Man. Sony owns Tom Holland. Sony owns/made Uncharted. Sony puts Tom Holland in Uncharted. This is how Sony Producer Amy Pascal's mind works. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or not, as long as it has the potential to make money. She also greenlit the the 2016 Ghostbusters. Case in point. Amy's not a storyteller, she a business woman, and not a very good one. Anyone who's seen her hair-doos can tell you she's a few fries short of a Happy Meal. This was horrible casting. Tom Holland and Mark Wahlberg look nothing like their game counterparts and the studio completely retconned their origin. People who have played the game are going to be the principal audience. You'd think the filmmakers would be going for accuracy. The movie has it's enjoyable moments, but the only other thing I remember about it was hearing the awesome theme song from the game, the on-the-nose cameo, and the completely far-fetched action. Normally, elements like these can only help your movie. In this instance they're somehow the reason to see it and not see at the same time. Just play the games. You'll enjoy those more.
Pam & Tommy (2022)
Don't kid yourself
If anyone honestly believes that Pam & Tommy Lee didn't release their sex tape on purpose, I've got some beachfront property in Antarctica to sell you. This is Hollywood that's just what you do. All Pam did was brainless stuff to show off her tits and Tommy was a rock star. Before these events and since the've done nothing but try every gimmick in the book to stay in the limelight. Including reality tv. What better way to stay famous then take a dive off the deep end and release a sex tape. It boggles my mind that so many involved with this film though it was 'a story that needed to be told'. Give me a break. Of course this was done by the guy that thought doing a movie about Tanya Harding was a good idea. Someone else that definitely does not need glorifying. It just goes to show that in this business, you just fail upwards and stupidity reigns supreme.
Ghostbusters (2016)
A studio experiment and a huge mistake
This is what you get when a studio is desperate for a hit, realizes they still own a name they might be able to make some money off of, and hire the first successful director they can think of. Then throw in a cast that cares more about a paycheck than having respect for the classics. The only good thing that came from this is the fact that we're getting a direct sequel to the originals. Too bad the studio, nor the cast thought this one through.
Legends of Tomorrow (2016)
This series has completely jumped the shark.
Legends of Tomorrow used to just be silly, now it's just ridiculous. Storylines have gotten totally convoluted and make zero sense. The cast no longer feels as bloated as it once was, but now it's like they're throwing in everything but the kitchen sink just to keep making things happen. The show is riddled with gigantic plot holes and completely lazy writing. Like, what the hell is the point to having a time-traveling spaceship, when you have a bureau that can just press a button with a little device and they can just time travel that way? The whole thing seems arbitrary and pointless. And in half the episodes now the heroes never use any of their powers. Aren't they supposed to be superheroes? Episodes just keep making huge jumps in logic and expecting the viewers to just accept it. They don't provide explanations for absolutely anything. It's like the writers know that things have gotten so silly, that they just don't care anymore. Compare it to a series like Doom Patrol. That show is super silly, but at least things make sense on some level, and you know people writing for it truly care. It's like Legends just doesn't give a crap. Performances used to show promise, now they're just cringe-worthy. What happened? I'm a huge DC, sci-fi, and time travel fan, and I really can't stand the show anymore. Whatever corner they've turned, it hasn't been for the better. It's time these Legends ride off into the sunset.
Cradle of Fear (2001)
They had so much going for them.
The creators of this film should be stoned. And I don't mean in the weed way. They had so much going for them: creativity, style, talent - and they had to ruin it all with one scene. The number one rule of film-making, leave alone humanity, is that you do not depict violence against those who cannot defend themselves (ie. children & animals). This movie broke that rule on the later. Did the creators actually think they were cool for depicting the disembowelment of a stray cat and the demon protagonist eating it's entrails? It wasn't necessary, and it wasn't entertaining. Those responsible for this movie shouldn't be shocked when they are ostracized by common movie buffs, to horror fans alike.