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Reviews
To Your Last Death (2019)
Who can I sue to get my hour-and-a-half back...?
...should be titled, "The 12:01 Triskelion Chainsaw Massacre"...
...one of the lamest styles of so-called "animation" available. (The original Scooby-Doo and South Park were both FAR better-animated than this trash!)
...virtually every tired story element in this debacle has long-since been "done", "done well", and "done-to-death"... now it's been "done-over-to-(your-last)-death", right down to the threadbare, old trope that, "...we poor, primitive Earthlings are naught but playthings in the hands (...or claws...) of some arrogant, manipulative, technologically-advanced-but-psychopathically-barbaric race of hyper-bored gamblers, who are in desperate need of a good spanking...". *yawn*
...yet another demonstration of the hypothesis that, with a few notable exceptions now and then, most "film-festival" awards are handed out like Tic-Tacs, by pompous, self-indulgent fools, who are incapable of judging a film, let alone making one.
...as for the ending, somebody REALLY needed to lob an antimatter grenade into the middle of the Gamemaster/con artist's table, and exterminate that entire race of worthless, vile, self-styled "Superior" beings!
...either that, or turn 'em all over to Dr. Who, so he can "reverse the polarity" for 'em...
Ghost Team One (2013)
"Ghost Team Zero"
Astonishingly bad... "cinema verite" at its most-abused...
..."shaky-cam"...?
No, "faky-cam"...!
The one star is strictly because of the (few) pretty girls and (very) brief nudity...
Someone REALLY should have "lost" this "found footage" travesty... PERMANENTLY!
The Bogus Witch Project (2000)
Kentucky Fried Blair Witch... ...VASTLY less stupid than the original...!
This compilation of several independent, short "Blair Witch" spoofs, loosely stitched-together with a dry, almost-mechanically-laconic "announcer-ette", voicing an "MTV/Nick-At-Night/generic-satelite-channel"-esque wraparound concept, is VERY silly and VERY stupid, because it's SUPPOSED TO BE! However, it actually manages to be (surprisingly) entertaining, UNLIKE the pathetic abortion of a so-called "movie" they were all lampooning! (I can't even stand the ads and trailers for THAT... *ahem*... "film"... so, NO, I've never abused myself by forcing me to suffer through it. Talk about a COMPLETE and HEINOUS waste of time, film stock and production wherewithal! Sheesh!)
These teams of goofy individuals, playing the roles of film-school "rejects" (...or, maybe some of them WEREN'T "playing"...?), poked huge holes in every tired, worn-out, idiotic trope for which "Blair Witch" (inexplicably) "won" numerous "prestigious film-festival awards". (As I've said in other reviews, this just tends to support the theory that, with a few notable exceptions now and then, most "film-festival" awards are handed out like Tic-Tacs, by pompous, self-indulgent fools, who are incapable of judging a film on its actual merits...)
U.F.O. (2012)
"Alien Upchucking"...
This is one of those rare films where a "Behind The Scenes/Making Of..." would have been practically GUARANTEED to be more entertaining than the film, itself. In fact, most of the other negative User Reviews of it, here on IMDb, have been more entertaining than the film, itself!
Sadly, the only redeeming parts of this movie were the two startlingly-attractive girls, and the fact that we got to watch Jean-Claude van Damme and his lovely daughter toss each other around for a while, toward the end. (Actually, that's the only reason I can imagine why Jean-Claude might've signed-on for this fiasco - as something of a favor to Bianca.)
They could, at least, have given us some out-takes during the credits...!
Alien Convergence (2017)
"Alien Confusance..."
Yes, the bad reviews are correct - this movie misses the mark by a fairly wide margin. Lame-ish, low-budget special effects? Check. Disjointed, sometimes incoherent, editing? Check. Inexplicably-illogical story points? Check. The script, itself, desperately needed at least one good rewrite before shooting started, by someone who understands how humans actually speak. Not even the most talented and dedicated troupe of performers could have recited some of that stilted, wooden dialogue without coming off as... well... wooden and stilted!
Had the writer and director tried just a trifle harder, pushed it just a little further over-the-top and not taken themselves quite so seriously, they might have delivered some entertaining tongue-in-cheek "disaster comedy", rather than this "tragic disaster". It probably wouldn't have equaled the "madcap tomfoolery" of, say, "Lavalantula", starring the inimitable (...or should that read, "inevitable"?) Steve Gutenberg, but it still could easily have been humorous, nonetheless.
As it stands, however, the only really worthwhile part was the fact that, eventually, their Big Military Operation was code-named "Monster Zero", a delightfully-hilarious reference to a much older energy-beam-spitter, also with three heads, albeit in a slightly different way!
BTW, kudos to an earlier reviewer for recognizing the monsters - according to Amazon Prime's "X-Ray" feature, they were, indeed, recycled directly from Asylum's "Dragon Crusaders"... Good eye!
La nuit a dévoré le monde (2018)
The Night Eats... an hour and thirty-four minutes...
...and, unlike money, time can't be refunded... darn...
WARNING! Spoilers...!
Amazing... zombies which can barely maintain an upright position, let alone walk two steps in a straight line, suddenly turn into Usain Bolt on steroids, crack and crystal meth, all at the same time, once they're triggered by noise!
I've never been a fan of the "upgrading" of zombies that's been prevalent in various movies over the last couple of decades. The only reason the MEGA-hyped-up zombies in Will Smith's "I Am Legend" were somewhat-tolerable was that it was... well... Will Smith! (And even HE couldn't save "I, Robot"... but that's another story, for another review...)
Zombies are slow, weak and stupid for a number of very good reasons - they're dead and decaying, their brain cells ain't sparkin' much anymore, their muscles have no real "fuel" to work with, etc., etc., etc.
Unless you're willing to invoke some form of magic, sooner or later, zombies will:
a) fall over,
b) fall apart,
c) cease being a serious threat to any but the most incredibly foolish and klutzy humans, in a about a month and a half - maybe three months, absolute maximum! (Even the original Zombie-Meister himself, George A. Romero, kept his zombies "operational" rather longer than is feasible within the confines of the fictional "science" involved. Eventually, though, even his creatures DID crumble beyond the point of being an active "danger".)
And, speaking of "foolish and klutzy", we have our protagonist, Sam. I'm forced to say "protagonist", because there wasn't the slightest WHIFF of "hero" about this poor, hapless schmuck. While there's plenty to be said for the "Average-Joe-Thrown-Into-An-Untenable-Situation" plot device, this "Joe" seemed to have started out rather a bit below "Average"...
...and it was all downhill for him from there...
I mean, having secured the building, acquired a shotgun with a box of ammo, collected enough food to last awhile and found Alfred and a few other convenient, in-house "sample zombies" upon which I could later experiment, I'd have spent something like a week getting over being completely freaked out, then run a few tests on my "pet zombies", put together a zombie-resistant outfit (...stout leather jacket, chaps, helmet...) and started the usual "zombie'radication campaign" in my immediate neighborhood.
A couple of weeks and a "hardened" vehicle later, I'd be out hunting for other survivors and inviting them over for tea and crumpets and a new life, rebuilding the world. By the time Sarah, the "roof-hopper", showed up, there would've been half-a-dozen buildings, on either side of the street, safely zombie-proofed, and probably most of the street in-between fenced-off, as well as trip-wires throughout, so I'd hear anyone/thing coming from a long way off. And, I would, most definitely, never have opened fire without knowing what/who the hell I was shooting at. Ergo, new girlfriend, but sans the buckshot holes!
For the amount of money flushed down the audio-visual toilet that was this film, somebody actually creative could have made a REAL movie!
Oh! And, they should've kept the original title - like many things, it sounds WAY cooler in French than English...
About the best thing I can say about this movie is, it isn't quite as ridiculously-crappy as "World War Z"... but then, what is?
As Above, So Below (2014)
"Indie'film Jones and the Sewer of Doom"
WARNING! Some spoilers...
Well, Perdita Weeks is, unquestionably, a skilled actress, and was the only reason my wife and I clicked-up the flick in the first place. Unfortunately, this bit of phlegm... er, um... I mean... "film"... is, unquestionably, one of the most atrocious wastes of time and money in the entire history of atrocious wastes of time and money.
Ms. Weeks, in general, is smart, funny, quick, self-deprecating, and possesses an excellent sense of comedic timing, all of which she demonstrates regularly in her current, thoroughly-enjoyable role of Juliet Higgins, on "Magnum, P.I." (Yes, it's a formulaic, procedural "reboot", but it's still fun! Unlike this movie...)
Alas, although her performance was among the only bright spots in this "stain on the entertainment industry", few, if any, of her skills were needed or on display here. In fact, considering their ages and limited experience, most of the cast of "As Above..." delivered creditable performances which rose considerably above their material and direction, and they will, quite likely, have decent careers in their field.
The Brothers Dowdle? (screenwriters / director) Maybe not so much...
First, let me say, I have nothing against "cinema verite", per se. Just as, "Variety is the spice of life...", so cinema verite can be the "spice" of motion-picture-making, when used properly and sparingly, by a genuinely talented director. Well-crafted films such as the "Bourne" trilogy and "District 9" are tremendously enhanced by its judicious application. When flagrantly abused by a rank amateur, however, as the only cinematographic "arrow" in their "quiver", and relentlessly wreaked upon the full length of a feature film, it's more like some clueless idiot pureed a half-dozen Carolina Reapers into a single bowl of chili!
The only thing more annoying (...and that's pretty irritating, just on its own!), is, perhaps, partly my own problem - as a professional camera operator for more than four decades, it's easy for me to recognize whenever "shaky-cam" is, in reality, "faky-cam", with some moron deliberately jostling the camera around, utterly failing to achieve a sort of "simula verite", while congratulating him or herself on their "creativity"! (It's hard to "suspend my disbelief" when half my brain is screaming, "Go buy a cheap tripod, ya cheap biped!")
This is the main reason I have virtually no use, whatsoever, for any of the "fully-found-footage" films which have been inflicted on a long-suffering viewing public over the last several decades. (Fortunately, the trailers and advertising matter told me all I needed to know in order to scrupulously avoid "Blair Witch Project" (1999) - while it may not have been the first, it was certainly one of the worst! Sadly, I wasn't quite so lucky with "Monster" or "Cloverfield" (both 2008).)
"Predictable" hardly begins to adequately describe just how predictable this movie is. "Hackneyed"? "Trite"? "Unoriginal"? Now, we're getting a little closer... It starts out with such promise, then descends into the catacombs under Paris, and straight into every shopworn, threadbare cliché and trope there is in the "Doomed-Expedition-Into-The-Mysterious-And-Accursed-Dark-Underbelly-Of-History" genre. The typical "obsessed professor/scientist with something to prove", dragging along her "reluctant sidekick/possible once-and-future love-interest" (...the "hapless schmuck with the paranoid terror of {fill-in-the-blank plot-device}"...), hires the requisite "rag-tag, slightly-psycho, basically-mercenary troupe", led by the "cocky local tour guide" ("I am NOT ze tour guide!"). Then, they all dive, head-first, into the "hopelessly-under-lit set-piece du jour", "ill-equipped and under-prepared", "barely one step ahead of the law", etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, flippin' blah...
From the moment the piano demonstrated its "...A4 key...", it was absurdly self-evident that the "evil" section of the catacombs, into which they had ineptly and incompetently allowed the obviously-dead "La Taupe" to "Will-o'-the-Wisp" them (I was literally shouting at the screen, "Quit lettin' him dance out ahead of ya, barely at the outer edges of your lights! Grab him, and force him to stop talkin' in riddles, right now, or you're all doomed!"), was using their own minds against them, and that the hyper-realistic illusions it was presenting were it's only real "weapon". That, and the tired, old, "every tunnel always conveniently caves-in right behind you, so you can't turn back now" gag.
Sheesh!
Who keeps handing money to the talentless children who dream-up this kind of drivel? How many truly creative films will never be made, now that the money which should have been wisely invested in them was, instead, wasted on worthless drek like this? I'd much rather have just watched an actual documentary on the Paris catacombs... (In point of fact, now that I think about it, I actually HAVE watched documentaries on the Paris catacombs - vastly more interesting than this nonsense! ...and I sincerely hope those were all plastic "prop" skeletons they were crawling over and trashing, not somebody's ancestors!)
And, can anyone please explain to me: What the heck is the point of going to all the hassle of shooting in the actual catacombs of Paris, when you end up with less than 5 minutes of screen-time, out of 90 minutes' run-time, wherein you can actually tell it's "...the actual catacombs of Paris..."?!?
Summing-up: Although the lady, herself, is a talented performer, I have to say, this particular Perdi Weeks vehicle was "purty weak"!
Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)
Funny, for the money!
A creditable Indie effort on a modest budget, falling somewhere between "Shaun Of The Dead" and "Zombieland" on the "production values" and "comedy'ness'osity" scales, including a "chase scene" that makes O.J. look like Mario Andretti!
And kudos to the Wardrobe, Makeup and "Spatter" Departments - the sheer number of "zombified" Extras stumbling around, spewing blood all over the East End must've been a logistical nightmare! (Check the End Titles - looks like they had half the population of London done-up in latex 'n' gore!)
How It Ends (2018)
"Disaster movie" or "Disastrous movie"?
"How It Ends"...?
More like "How Did It Manage To Completely Avoid Anything Vaguely Resembling An Actual Ending...?"
WARNING: Spoilers galore!
Not even the solid, workmanlike performances of several A-list actors and actresses, combined with competent cinematography, skillful editing and a sprinkling of fairly-decent special effects, could salvage this inescapably "Swiss-cheesed" train-wreck of a script from itself.
Look, I rarely have a problem "...suspending disbelief..." for the sake of a good story, okay? I can usually "...suspend with the best of 'em...". However, this movie's convoluted, threadbare and hackneyed plot devices require that we not merely "...suspend disbelief...", but positively "...string it up and Lynch it..."!
Further, I'm all for "Character Development" and "Exploring The Interactions Of The Human Condition", but THAT wasn't very successfully handled, either. Plus, there's only so much contrived, intentional, patently-manipulative "...mystification, strictly for the sake of mystification..." that I'm willing to put up with, without, eventually, being handed a few solid ANSWERS, as a kind of "payoff" for my patience. Considering the nearly-two-hour run of this production, there was plenty of room for a TALENTED directorial team to do all of the "artsy" stuff they wanted, AND just tell the damned story, too, while satisfying their urge to do a lot of "pointless-skulking-about-to-allegedly-suspense-enhancing-soundtrack-music"!
They just didn't bother...
So many gaping, inexplicable (...or, at least, unexplained...), plot-holes, so little screen-space; where to begin? Perhaps where the screenwriter and director SHOULD have begun - with the simplest, most basic, grade-school-level understanding of "How Stuff Works"?
There is not the LEAST chance that ANY form of "localized disaster" on the West Coast could take out the power grid much further east than, MAYBE, Denver, let alone Chicago a few minutes after... whatever this "nigh-onto-magical" nonsense was. If Saint Helens were to blow her top again, lighting up ALL of the Cascade Range volcanoes and cracking-loose the whole length of the San Andreas, the geo-mechanical effects would largely slam into The Rockies and ricochet back West. The entire state of California could slide into the Pacific, taking the left half of The Cascades with it, and all Chicago'd know about it, at first, is what showed up on their seismographs.
So, although the plot's dismal, and apparently deliberate, utter lack of cogent exposition left the "Jeremiah" character (...we meet him in the final Act...) neither provably right nor provably wrong about his "offshore nuclear detonation" postulate, he was both dead-right about the "computer virus" part of his "paranoid conspiracy theory", AND dead-wrong in his assumption that any SINGLE virus could shut down ALL the many and varied, RADICALLY DIFFERENT power generation systems involved (...nuclear, hydro, solar, wind, coal, oil - to name only the most obvious...).
...and ALL the satellite arrays, including GPS?!?!? Oh, COME ON!!!
Did I hear somebody say, "But... um... er... um... EMP!"...?
Nope! Any form of electromagnetic effect attenuates AT LEAST with the square of the distance, not counting intermittently-metal-bearing obstructions like, say, The Rockies, for instance. So, again, if it originates at the West Coast, it ends around Denver-ish, at the absolute outside. And if we hypothesize some sort of weaponized, orbital, James-Bondian, SPECTRE-esque, "mega-EMP" device? That, in and of itself, would've precluded the driving of ANY motor vehicle with electronic fuel injection or an onboard computer (...i.e., anything more recent than about 1976...) - either system, except "hardened" military ones, would be completely FRIED by any pulse powerful enough to take out the power grid and satellite arrays.
Then, even if we could "...suspend disbelief..." enough to accept any (...or all!) of these various preposterous premises, there is still not the SLIGHTEST possibility that ALL radio and television stations, continent-wide, including Canada and Mexico, would be taken off the air, instantly and permanently, even by such a massive event as... whatever this "nigh-onto-magical" nonsense was. Ever since 9/11, very nearly EVERY broadcast station that throws more than about 250 Watts has their own on-site generator, which is more than capable of running them, at full power, for at least a week, and is NOT part of any nationwide computer-networked "grid". Clueless, they might be, with little or no useful information to impart to the public about "Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot just happened?!?", but, most assuredly, they would NOT be simply "dead air". (...and I say, or, in this case, type, all of the above as a Broadcast Engineer with more than FOUR DECADES of experience in these exact subjects!) Heck, even most high-rise buildings and, for that matter, flippin' shopping malls have their own backup power systems, these days, adequate for several days of emergency lighting, heating and plumbing, if not nearly-normal operation.
And, while it IS true that the majority of police forces, fire departments and ambulance services would be badly hamstrung by that kind of "event sequence" (...sadly, in recent years, FAR too many of our Emergency Services Organizations have been foolish enough to put ALL their communications "eggs" into the one overly-delicate "basket" of computer-driven and/or VOIP and/or cellphone-tower-based technologies...), it is EQUALLY true that, within minutes of any such disaster, hundreds of surviving Ham Radio operators along the edge of the "destruction zone" would be fired-up on their generators or batteries, transmitting graphic, play-by-play descriptions of what their binoculars showed them, while taking over the coordination and dispatching of the aforementioned Emergency Services Organizations, as outlined in various, long-established FEMA protocols.
And, apparently, in this fictional universe, the ENTIRE U.S. military, including all "Lower 48" State National Guards, is nothing but a bunch of bumbling, incompetent, irrelevant amateurs, who could probably be defeated by a couple of troops of Brownies and Cub Scouts, armed with their magnifying-glass compasses, emergency sewing kits and the occasional, ever-so-deadly Swiss-Army knife... (...gotta watch that plastic toothpick - it's SHARP!)
In short (...although, looking back at the length of this rant, it may be a trifle late for THAT...), another high-potential film idea, mostly wasted-off by... what? ...self-indulgent, directorial foolishness...? ...pretentious, "artistic" screenwriting...? ...both...? ...neither...? Sure glad this was on Netflix, so, at least there was no separate "Rental fee" involved; only cost an hour and fifty-three minutes (...plus the time this review took...).
We can only hope this young and inexperienced director either gets a clue, soon, or NEVER gets another directing job until AFTER he's been back to Film School...
P.S.: And, how on Earth do you crash a high-end Cadillac hard enough to break enough ribs bad enough to puncture a lung, without a single, solitary airbag going off?!?