michael-burnard Reviews

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

Good God, this movie was bad.

[2/10 · 12 April 2014]

Let me get one thing out of the way before I start: Yes, I am a fan of the 2000s Spiderman movies. I think they're great. But no, I am not judging THIS piece of crap as a follow-up or a remake or a rehash. I can accept that it is trying to be its own movie. And boy, does that movie SUCK. First, let's bring up the biggest problem in this movie: Andrew Garfield is not Peter Parker. Don't give me that crap about 'modernising the character'. Peter Parker is, and always has been a social outcast looking in, and he doesn't need to be a total science nerd to have that still apply. But Garfield somehow interprets the character as a sour emo kid, who skateboards and stands up to bullies and breaks into buildings. How could this happen? The entire point of Peter becoming Spiderman is that a repressed individual is allowed to become more confident in himself, but if he's already confident in himself, WHAT'S THE POINT!? Another big problem with this movie is the villain. At least the Raimi Spiderman movies had villains with actual motivations. Norman Osborne was driven insane, Doctor Octopus was trying to complete his work, hell, even VENOM at least had a reason to hate Spiderman! But in this movie, as soon as the bad guy turns into a lizard, he just automatically starts trying to take over the world. There's no motivation, no backstory, he's just like 'Hey, I'm a lizard, time to become ruler of mankind'. Also, can I just say that they COMPLETELY misunderstood the entire point of Uncle Ben's death? The original character of Uncle Ben was the one who said the famous quote 'With great power comes great responsibility', and he only died because Peter wasn't holding true to that moral. In this movie, Ben just kinda dies so that Peter has a reason to become a hero. Which means his role could have been filled just as well as any random Johnny getting killed! Avoid this movie like the plague. It has killed all hope of me seeing a good Spiderman movie come out in the next 20 years. And now I really hope that Spiderman never shows up in an Avengers movie. The idea of whiny emo Garfield polluting the single greatest superhero franchise of all time just makes me sad.

Cloud Atlas (2012)

Literally the best-made movie I have ever seen.

[10/10 · 29 March 2014]

Based on the book by David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas follows the various stories of six different characters as they deal with their problems in different time periods. This is actually the best strength of the movie, as instead of telling a story on it's own, it intertwines them with each other to create a fully fleshed-out world. The main characters are, in order: an 18th century business man who makes friends with a black slave; a bisexual composer who becomes the assistant to a former maestro; a reporter who must foil a hit-man sent to kill her; an elderly publisher confined to a home; a Chinese worker-clone who is freed by a stranger; and a hunter in a post-apocalyptic world who must team up with a futuristic Halle Berry to save the human race. It must be said that the makeup in this movie is beyond amazing, with actors changing appearance or even race. The most amazing of them is Hugo Weaving, who plays an elderly business man, a dark-skinned slave driver, a young assassin, a female nursing home worker (yes, he plays a woman), an Asian government official, and my favourite, Tom Hanks' demonic imaginary friend. Overall, I highly recommend this movie. It's not my favourite movie, but throughout the whole thing, I felt an unrelenting sense of awe. And you might, too.

Dredd (2012)

Satisfyingly Exciting and Excitingly Satisfying

[9/10 · 22 March 2014]

This is honestly some of the most fun I've had in a while. A sci-fi action movie, Dredd plays like some insane screenwriter decided it would be a good idea to mash up Die Hard and Robocop. Starring Karl Urban as the titular super-cop, it has stunning action scenes and some of the best-filmed gun battles since The Matrix. The story is about the two Street Judges Dredd and Anderson, as they are locked in an apartment complex and forced to battle wave after wave of gun-wielding criminals. There's some great integration of story and visuals in this movie, and they even went so far as to explain the reason that slow-motion scenes are in slow-motion. There's quite a bit of gore too, with people being shot, crushed, thrown off ledges, burned by flares and even skinned alive. It's all shot in this very in-your-face way, which is pretty bro-tastic. Overall, this movie is a solid place in my favourite action films of all time, and I highly recommend it.

World War Z (2013)

A Waste of Good Source Material

[4/10 · 6 February 2014]

As a fan of the book, it pains me to have this be its only big-screen face.

First, let me say something about the book. It has a very unusual structure, as it is not about one person but rather a collection of short stories about the zombie apocalypse. Because it is done in this way, it gives a global sense of the undead war and the effect it had on the world. So what did they do for the movie? Make it entirely about one person! The movie stars Brad Pitt as Jerry, an ex-UN official. Why they couldn't have used one of the male characters from the book is anyone's guess. Anyway, Jerry and his family are caught up in an apocalypse that comes about because of fast-moving, semi-intelligent zombies (as opposed to the slow-moving, mindless creatures of the book). He is rescued by some black government dude, who wants him to go on a round-the-world trip, based on the flimsiest hunches possible, to find a cure.

This movie hurts me, on a fundamental level. Not because of the bad CG. Not because Brad Pitt plays the blandest character since Hal Jordan. But because a book, an amazing piece of literature that redefined the entire concept of a zombie apocalypse, has been dumbed down into a pandering, dull action movie with inconsistent writing and a mind-numbing conclusion.

And it seems the writers were aware of these differences to the source material, because they keep making references to the book so they can maintain the pretense of this being an adaptation. But they even manage to screw that up! From changing the name that the military had for the zombies to letting the zombies into Israel, the whole thing feels like the equivalent of those high-budget, teen-targeted horror movie remakes.

Frozen (I) (2013)

I Don't Get Why Everyone Loves It

[3/10 · 3 February 2014]

Let me start this off by saying that I generally like Disney films, and that this is not some anti-kiddie flick internet geek writing this. Now that I have that out of the way, I would like to tell you how terrible this movie is. First of all, there is only one song that I think was actually good. The first song in the film is a fantastic number about the hardships of winter, with a great track, expert vocals and a grand, sweeping tone. The rest of the songs are not nearly so good, as they are all sung by the protagonists, which is fine the first few times but gets really monotonous by about halfway through. The movie also wasn't especially funny, which is a saving grace in some of Disney's other lackluster releases. The comic relief character was okay (in that he wasn't nearly as annoying as everyone else) but he was only there to provide some moderately executed slapstick comedy, and the only funny spoken line in the movie. While the script is fine for a TV special or maybe the first episode of a Nickelodeon series, it is definitely not right for a high-profile animated film. Let's just say, there are trolls. Singing, incredibly annoying trolls who show up basically just for the hell of it, and then disappear without a trace. And, while there was one character turn which was actually quite well executed, it is wasted almost immediately, because it changes absolutely nothing about the story. No events drastically alter because of it, there's no clever subtext, and the entire thing feels like it was just inserted so the screenwriter could show how clever he was. I mean, the trip to the cinemas wasn't completely pointless. There was a quite funny Mickey Mouse cartoon they played before the picture, and the trailer for the Lego movie looks like it could be worth something. Otherwise, this movie was terrible. Avoid it if you can, unless you have some kids you need to get out of the house. If so, make sure you bring a good book.

Batman & Robin (1997)

So bad that it transcends good

[8/10 · 5 August 2013]

I'm not gonna pretend that this movie is any type of good. The costumes are awkward and rubber-looking, the effects are cheesier than a pizza kitchen, and the dialogue couldn't be saved by a fully stocked hospital. But this movie is hilarious on a completely different plane of existence. Seriously, if you gain some kind of ironic satisfaction from TERRIBLE flicks, then this movie is in the same gallery of crap as such titles as The Room and Birdemic. To give you a little taste, here's a scene from the film. At one point, a character drops the line, 'you're entitled to your opinion, but I'm not good with rejection, I'm afraid you'll have to die'. And it is dropped in such a way that makes the 'They're eating her' line from Troll 2 look like Oscar bait. In short, if you have ever watched a sh*t movie even though you know it's sh*t, this is a movie you should consider.