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RobynBelfry
Reviews
Zombie Night (2003)
It could have been worse...
...but I can't imagine how...
This film is misguided, to say the least. I felt like I was watching a high-school produced video (as in VHS) presentation. Devoid of anything that makes cinema magical, this humourless train wreak of a film was painful in most parts and laugh-out-loud awful in the rest. And not even the fun kind of laugh... The so-bad-it's-great kind of laugh that we all love so much. This is a "this makes me angry" kind of bad.
I dare anyone out there to watch three minutes of this film without finding one major, fatal flaw in the scene. From the characters who appear and disappear at random, to the "Hey man, you've always wanted to act" casting, to the horrible camera work and lighting, this isn't even on par with second unit material from a porn shoot.
About the only saving grace is that every now and again you can see something, a faint hope... and I'm not sure if it's a glimmer of respect from one Zombie movie fan to another... a tip of the hat to the genre by stealing ideas from other, greater zombie films that shows through from the screen. Or is it a nugget of original thought that's actually somewhat provoking? Naw... It's probably ripped off from something else.
If you're thinking of renting Zombie Night, do yourself a favour. Skip the video store. Pick up your video camera. Grab some fake blood and old clothes. Find an old school or a garage or a field. Shoot your own movie. You'll have a far better time.
Just don't make the same mistake that they did and try and SHOW IT to anybody.
Doom (2005)
Why can't the Rock get good roles?
Granted, this was a juicy l'il role for the big guy, but C'MON!!! Was this written by a 14 year old boy??? And if so, was he playing the game at the same time and dictating to his buddy??? Here's the basic plot...
Everything is either A) way too dark or B) exposition.
IF A) There's always SOMETHING moving around in a corner/air-duct/shadow that is either A) something to shoot at or B) something harmless.
If it's B) something harmless it will be immediately followed by something to shoot at that will either A) comically rip someone apart or B) run away.
If it's B) RUN AWAY, return to start.
Repeat until you're down to the good guy, the bad guy and the girl.
Throw in something about alien dna and yada yada.
There is ONE twist, that's really interesting but never justified. Again, I think people are selling the Rock short... he's quite talented... let the damn guy act!!! GIVE HIM SOME LINES!!! note: "That was fire-fight, not an autopsy." and "Go Now." are not acceptable character developing lines.
Then again... when the 6 minute first person shooter style pov sequence comes... and you KNOW it's coming... YOU KNOW IT, GOOD SIR... when it does... go to the bathroom...
Because it is PUKE city, my friend... Have trouble with Blair Witch? Watch OUT! I was sitting in the middle of the theatre and I thought the two people flanking me were going to lose it. I think the only thing that saved this sequence was the fact that it was lit well and in focus... a refreshing change of pace from the rest of the movie.
I'd like to thank Universal for inviting me to the free promo screening so that I might go forth in the world and save others from seeing this pointless exercise in cross-marketing.
I had a dull time.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
You've seen it all before
So much potential... and more of the EXACT SAME... Anti-Climactic, dull, forced, contrived... There was no element of suspense. It was like Burton was just pulling little tricks out of a bag. And like a grandfather who's pulled too many nickles out from behind my ear, the tricks are getting old.
The Danny Elfman score had some interesting elements... it's just a shame that it was difficult to make out any of the lyrics to the songs with all the effects placed on the Oompah-Loompah's voices.
All in all, I didn't have a bad time, but it could have been done a lot better. If anything, this was a middle of the road, uninspired adaptation with a few good moments. It's certainly nothing you haven't seen before. I think I'm finally done with Burton.
Hallow's End (2003)
You CAN have fun watching this movie!
I picked "Hollow's End" up at the local video thrift shop for a meager 99 cents. Obviously my expectations weren't through the roof.
But, for what it was, it was a fun ride. For every bad thing I can think about the film, I can think of a nugget of goodness.
And the parts that are bad as so bad that they're truly a good laugh, so why not enjoy? What really resonates with me is the concept. It's not that poorly written, either. It DOES suffer from a very long first act. Does anyone have it on DVD? Are there any extras? I'm willing to bet that if there are it doesn't include any deleted scenes, because I get the feeling that there ARE no deleted scenes. Everything they shot is probably on the screen. At least it seems that way at times.
Trying to juggle a million sub-stories with multiple relationship interconnections takes patience on the viewers behalf, so be ready for it.
Some of the acting is truly horrible. But some of it isn't. Some of it is just misdirection and some of it actually holds a candle to a "good performance". Not something I would expect from a movie from the bargain bin.
What can I say... I'll watch it again...
To those that made it... don't give up.
Zombi 3 (1988)
They don't make 'em like this anymore...
This movie is awesome on so many levels... and none of them are the level that it was intended to be awesome on.
Just remember this: When you're watching Shaun of the Dead and other recent zombie movies... be they good or bad... THIS is the formula that they are using. THIS is what makes zombie movies so great.
And what makes it BETTER than great is the story behind the movie. A simple web search will provide you with everything you need to know.
All in all, it doesn't linger. There's never a point where you think to yourself "c'mon, get on with it"... it moves quick and corners nicely. This is the sporty, little Italian number of zombie flicks.
So awful, it's wonderful! If your tongue spends an ample amount of time in your cheek... rent it, buy it, love it.
As a great trivia note: If you're watching it on DVD, you'll notice that there is sound effects during the menu screen, underneath the musical score... Well... that's because that music was lifted straight from the trailer... which is probably the only working print of that music that still exists which is long enough to loop.
Parasaito Ivu (1997)
You don't need the game to enjoy this film..
I really enjoyed this film. I'm a BIG fan of the game and it was interesting to see how they blended elements of the original story into the storyline of the SquareSoft title.
It is an interesting concept... and perhaps one that could have been explored a little move fully. The ideas that the film presents are original, and displayed in a pretty original way. I chalk most of my "huh?" factor (mostly in relation to character motivation) to the difference in cultures.
Some of the effects are pretty groovy, too! It's a little slow moving at first, but it does start to pay off towards the end. Hang in there.
And then go and play the game!
Boa vs. Python (2004)
I'm still laughing!!! Wait... am I supposed to laugh?
A few things I learned from Boa vs Python:
1. When you get your women naked right off the top (and what good film maker wouldn't)... make sure that they scrub down with dish soap and a plain orange sponge in as sexy as way as humanly possible.
2. To show tension in a forest scene when a large, unseen predator is disturbing the local animal life: Go to your local pet store and folly in the sound of budgies squawking. This will REALLY pull off the effect that something ain't right in them woods!!! Besides, most woods outside Philly are CRAWLING with budgies. Or was it Pittsburg? Okay... if it was Pittsburg... my mistake. Those woods are rampant with pets.
2a. Garter Snakes squeak when you chuck 'em around. Bet you didn't know that, all you Animal Planet loving people, did you! Don't let small things like facts get in the way of the action.
2c. People who work with dolphins, spend time with dolphins, all that jazz... you know... animal people... the first thing they'll do when they encounter a snake in a glass tank is, pretty obviously, start rapping on the glass. That stuff you hear about "never knock on the glass" when you're a pet stores and zoos... well, they're making that up. It NEVER startles or deafens the animals. That's why people in movies who are supposed to be in the field of zoology do it. They know that it's a made-up rule of thumb. And it's a good set-up to a damn funny joke.
3. Even multi-millionaires who hunt ridiculously large animals for sport have their problems. For example: When transporting said large animals, rent a truck to do it in. Because when you have your own jet (with a BATHTUB!!!) you probably don't own trucks. Make sure that you get the truck with the modified ridiculously large animal transport container.
3a. When the ridiculously large animal escapes (and how could it not???) show the human side of your millionaire by having a customer service rep from the trucking company CALL your millionaire to inform him of the problem. When your millionaire demands answers, have the CSR tell him that she'll have to get her supervisor. Hey... when you're globe-trotting on your own jet, you DO make all these arrangements yourself with your local truck rental dealer.
4. Get in touch with those emotional back-stories with lines to the effect of: "Gee, to try and find a cure for snake poison... you must have some incredible psychological reason for doing that!" Really, the audience will thank you for getting straight to the exposition.
5. It doesn't matter that the two "teens" who are making out in a car look like a mother and son making out in a car. No one will notice! Besides, they're just snake fodder anyway! Gee... there must be some deep seated Freudian reason for this... Cue exposition.
6. SAVE MONEY ON CGI. All you have to do is "suggest" that a large snake is roaming around peoples feet by showing them "reacting" to it. So what if sometimes you show a scene where a snake SHOULD be and isn't. As long as you have actors to act like one is there, the audience will fill in the blank.
7. People don't need to see some actors faces. Especially when they're minor characters... like second in command of an elite group of FBI agents. Minor character... handful of lines... have her deliver them AWAY from the camera. That way we really connect! And it saves time with the ADR.
8. Always... ALWAYS... end your movie in a subway station. Even if you have to jump from a rave DIRECTLY AND WITH SOME SORT OF MAGIC to the subway station... ALWAYS end it there...
9. Be sure to set up for the sequel! Don't be too obvious. Make sure you give them special, fancy, snake fighting clothes! It looks tres cool.
10. On the cover of the DVD... ALWAYS, and I mean always... show a helicopter firing missiles at two large, fighting snakes. It doesn't matter if your movie has nothing like that in there. The cover for Citizen Kane shows a guy making a speech or something... and I'm pretty sure that's not in there... oh wait... it is??? F@CK!
So... all in all... I actually recommend seeing this movie. In the right setting, you'll laugh your arse sore. Just keep in mind that if this was SUPPOSED to be a comedy... or if you actually fixed all the stuff I mentioned above... this would be just another gigantic, steamy pile of boring crap.