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Reviews
Silent Hill (2006)
Silent Queef Hill
OK, first things first. I don't understand how nearly everyone is actually praising this crap. It should be said that i am a big fan of the first game, but not of this movie.
The good: The camera angles are spot on, and the look and atmosphere is great, so i will give the movie that much. It's impressive in that aspect. Very well done. But that's where Silent Hill ends as a good movie and goes down the hill and becomes Silent Queef Hill.
The bad: Everything else about this movie is horrible. I actually excited to see it. Then when i watched it, it was so boring that it was like a vampire stealing my vitality. This movie only got more boring as it went along. Most of the special effects are horrible, especially the creatures. The CGI effects of the paint chipping of the walls etc. are laughable, as are the CGI bugs. Way too cartoony. I would not have been surprised at all if Sponge Bob Squarepants himself made a cameo in the movie. I had to fight my hand from grabbing the DVD player remote and clicking this movie off several times. I always give a movie a fair chance and watch it through. But sometimes, like this movie's case, it can be very, very tempting to shut it off.
(Spoilers)
At one point, a monster picks a girl up buy her throat and then tears her clothes off. What's so cheesy about it is that the girl is very obviously CGI when she's supposed to be real. That's really overdoing it. This movie is a CGI crap-fest, but that's not where it ends. It has characters i never once cared about, and they could have all died for all i care. The movie has no pacing, making it very boring. The story is a mess, and the ending is slapped on and "explained" in the last 20 minutes or so. And the fact that the annoying little girl is narrating it makes it all the worse. Nearly all the acting is horrible and laughable.
(End of spoilers)
There's too many things going on in the movie, and they are never really resolved. There's also several scenes that are unimportant, making the movie feel under-edited. But even cutting wouldn't help. This movie is simply a mess all around. I refuse to watch this movie ever again. And if anyone ever tries to make me watch it again, i would politely say "no." However if they persisted, a fist-fight could probably ensue, i'm serious. The movie is that bad. It simply stinks, well, like a queer..right from the backsides of all the females that are in the movie, all mixed into one gaseous, green, stinky cloud. This is the worst movie to come out since 'The Hulk'.
2 out of 10 stars for Silent Queef Hill. And that's being generous.
Derailed (2005)
Extremely predictable yet still enjoyable thriller
(Spoiler warning) This movie is Extremely predictable! I guessed the whole movie during the first 7 minutes or so (during the train scene i discovered the crappy 'surprise' twist). It was so obvious i was half-expecting that Mortal Kombat video game guy to pop up on the screen and scream 'TWISTY!'. And the 'rape' scene was pathetic because i knew Aniston's character was in on it. But to be fair i didn't mind the movie. I found it still enjoyable. It had it's share of good moments and laughs throughout..but like i said, the extreme predictability of the movie really hurts the score i'd give it. And i don't mean just the predictabilty of the 'twist'...i mean almost everything in the movie -- i guessed that the guy in the car would be shot in the head before it even happened. And when you guess these kind of things before they happen, it's bad. They should have just left the lame-o wanna-be twist out of the movie..twists are so cliché these days among Hollywood..it seems like every movie that comes out has to have one. Hollywood - it's called 'variety'...make your movies different. Nobody wants a box of crayons that are all the same color.
Doom (2005)
This isn't Doom. It's guano.
Eh...i just watched the Doom movie a few nights ago. And..i have to honestly say.. i've seen Uwe Boll movies that are better than this. Only thing in it that i like and give a big thumbs-up to is (May be considered as a spoiler?) The well-polished first-person shooter sequence. And being that the entire sequence is presented uncut in the special features, this DVD should only cost $1 and be sold as a short film. Now, i myself have made crap..garbage even..and been in crap short films...but that was all very intentional crap & garbage. And the last short me and my friend made only cost approx. $40 to make. It's fine sometimes to throw away a few bucks to make cheap crap for kicks...but expensive crap is a different story. Movies like this (and there are many out there) have no excuse. It cost millions of dollars to make. You can't polish a turd. They totally didn't get what Doom is all about. This movie tried to act like it's cool, like it's the Fonz. "Heyyyyyyyy!" this movie sucks. Bad. The budget of this crap-fest could have helped a lot of starving and homeless people around the world. I think, in general, Hollywood needs to at least try to be creative again. It definitely wouldn't and shouldn't cost millions of dollars to make a Doom movie. Horrible script, horrible acting and on top of everything else, it's boring. I nearly fell asleep many times while trying to watch this piece of guano. I haven't been this disappointed since seeing Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. The teenagers. I mean "holy sheez", what were they thinking, anybody could make multiple, better Doom movies with only $1 million or less. Hollywood, you suck.
2 out of 10
Evil Ed (1995)
Awesome movie!!!
(Spoilers warning) I cannot say enough good things about this movie. It is a great horror comedy/spoof that does everything right for a change. The humor is great and ranges from funny to so-funny-you'll-cry funny. In one scene, Ed goes edit-crazy and deletes a big scene. When his boss is looking at Ed's edit, he yells out: "Where in the fu%# is my beaver-rape scene?!?!" Hysterical. There are also many other great, humorous & memorable quotes and moments throughout: Ed yells out "Don't you fu#$ing look at me!!!" while punching some poor schmuck repeatedly in the face. Very funny stuff. The plot of the movie itself is so ridiculous that it's priceless: Ed is a mild-mannered everyday guy that gets moved over to the horror-film editing department, and after a while goes nuts, sees monsters, and attacks people while quoting the horror movies that he has edited. This movie has it all and is simply hilarious. The DVD only costs about $7, and is a great bargain as it is the unrated widescreen cut. I own a lot of DVD's, most of which cost a lot more money than this one, but not many are as great as this movie. My Evil Ed DVD is one of the highlights of my collection and i would beat someone with a telephone receiver if they tried to steal it. Evil Ed oozes style and quality -- something that Hollywood filmmakers need to majorly learn. Evil Ed is a rare gem, and i would like to thank everyone involved in making this wonderful movie -- you did everything right, and i love Evil Ed! 10 out of 10!!!
Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)
The best movie in the Hellraiser series!
I am surprised that i like this movie so much over the others--after all, Inferno is a Miramax movie, and Miramax seldom ever makes a movie correctly. (Usually they are crap to dirt poor due to over-editing and mistreatment)However, this movie, Hellraiser: Inferno, gets everything right. While the first movie is great (it's a classic), i'm not a big fan of excessive gore, which the first one contains quite often. Don't get me wrong, the special effects are some of the best i've seen, but Hellraiser: Inferno captures the essence of the first Hellraiser film without overdoing the gore. This results in the gore in Inferno being much more effective. It is only used at key points in the film, which makes for a more powerful experience when it is actually seen on screen.
The same goes for Pinhead: he doesn't appear very much in the movie, but when he does, it's for a purpose and is powerful. This is where Inferno wins over Hellraiser 2, 3 & 4. You always see the Cenobites in the movies, which ruins the impact of seeing them in the movies because they appear too much. I won't even get into Hellraiser: Hellseeker. That movie is a real snore.
Anyway, back to Inferno. The story was never boring to me,(unlike the others which all have slow spots with some uninteresting dialog)the characters are interesting, and the acting is great. This isn't an action movie, it's a very dialog driven psychological thriller with a touch of film noir. The movie has the most complex story of any Hellraiser film, so it doesn't insult my intelligence. And it is very nice that the movie doesn't contain any nudity or massive gore in it, or even any overuse of strong language. (Most often than not, it's usually a desperate cover-up ploy to distract the viewer from the movie actually being a piece of crap. This doesn't mean that the movie is tame however, because it isn't.
This is one of the best made horror films i have seen in quite a while (and i've seen a lot of horror films and this one holds up very well.) I should add that i have yet to see the 2 new Hellraiser movies (Deader & Hellworld)so i can't comment on those. But judging from their clichéd plot outlines, they will be really generic (look up the movies on this site..OhHh--*That* storyline hasn't been done before! HaHa whatever.)Another thing about Inferno is that i hear that people hate the movie because Pinhead isn't in the movie all but like 5 minutes. Well, Hellraiser was never about Pinhead or the cenobites in general. So obviously there are some people out there who don't understand what Hellraiser is all about, which is really unfortunate because they are being really shallow and missing out on such a good movie.
In conclusion, as i said earlier, it's nice to see a Hellraiser movie that focuses on it's moralistic value and lessons just like the first one did instead of focusing on gore effects and the cenobites, and it's also great to see a horror movie that takes it's story & itself seriously, without the inclusion of cliché nudity and overuse of monsters/gore on screen. That gets old very quick and it has. Horror movies in general have since became a joke. Hellraiser: Inferno is an exception, a rare gem. Interesting, well-written moralistic story, good special effects, acting, and powerful on-screen metaphors and ending. Great movie.
I give Hellraiser: Inferno a 10/10.
A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
'A series of unfortunate editing events'
I just recently saw this movie. I had hopes for this movie. I really wanted to like it, i really did. But this movie is crap. Boring and sluggish, Jim seems tired of the role, even before he's done playing it. The movie moves at a snails pace, and the baby ruined the movie. The best footage of the movie is(most) of the deleted scenes and outtakes (on the DVD). If the stupid baby & over half of the boring in-movie footage was deleted and replaced with the deleted and alternate stuff, it could be a winner. As it is, the movie should be titled: 'A series of unfortunate editing events'. Movie rating: 1 out of 10. DVD Deleted footage and outtakes rating: 8 out of 10.
Donnie Darko (2001)
Forget the theatrical version, buy the director's cut instead!
(Minor spoiler noted at bottom of review) The following is a comparison review for both DVD versions of the movie. Whereas almost everyone seems to see the theatrical version as the superior cut, i couldn't disagree more. The director's cut is superior in every way. It isn't a chopped up mess that just seems like random events are happening like the theatrical cut. Many people would argue that they understand/understood the theatrical version on their own, but i doubt that. It makes no sense whatsoever. The only way to grasp some understanding on the theatrical version was to read an online 'philosophy of time travel' book. When you have to read something online just to understand a movie, you know something is horribly wrong. A viewer shouldn't have to spend hours on end to understand one movie, nor study an online entity that is separate from the actual movie.
The director's cut, on the other hand, makes near perfect sense, and everything falls into place (as a movie should) and INCLUDES the important 'Philosophy of time travel' book pages into the movie. Like i said, the movie may not necessarily make complete sense on the first viewing, but upon the second or third viewing, the movie will make pretty much complete sense. After that, it's fun to watch over and over to catch all of the little clues strewn throughout the movie. The director's cut also contains many satisfying family moments between Donnie and/or family, and many other story-crucial scenes which should not have been cut in the first place. Scenes like this flesh out the movie. The theatrical version doesn't have these and it just ends up making the movie feel rather stale. I wish movie studios would learn to back off and not to require a movie to be cut up just so more people can watch it in theater. That's really ignorant. A movie should always be ONLY cut to the best of it's full potential, not cut for more people's butts in theater seats. And the theatrical version suffers horribly from this. As for the music changes from the theatrical version to the director's cut version: while i didn't like the changes at first, the director's cut quickly grew on me and the music changes in are ultimately better. While the 'killing moon' song does go good in the beginning of the theatrical version, i disagree with it because the words in the song give away what the movie is about way too soon. The theatrical version DVD transfer suffers from dirt poor sound quality compared to the director's cut DVD. The sound on the director's cut DVD is superb. The bass is good, sounds and music are clear and sharp, and the picture seems to be slightly clearer and more refined.
Theatrical version DVD: PROS: -Good extras/special features including 2 audio commentaries CONS: -Movie makes very little sense (if any sense at all) -Poor sound and picture quality -Vital plot elements and scenes are missing -Doesn't include the time travel book in the movie (it is in special features, but is way too small to read, so it is useless.) Other: -1 DVD -So-so DVD case artwork
Director's cut DVD: PROS: -Makes sense (Finally!) -Good picture and GREAT sound quality -Vital scenes are included -Nicely enhanced special effects sequences -Includes the story-crucial time travel book IN the ACTUAL movie -Hilarious '#1 fan Darkomentary' -1 audio commentary Other: -2-disc DVD set -Cool DVD case artwork and slipcover
CONS: -Some of the time travel pages pass by too quickly to read completely, resulting in having to rewind/pause the movie to read them. PRO: After reading them the first or second time(s), you'll already know what they say next time you watch the movie so you won't have a reason to pause or rewind the movie anymore as you can just glance at them and know what they say.
Theatrical version: 6.0 out of 10
Director's cut: 9 out of 10
Theatrical version/director's cut DVD sound comparison example: (Minor spoiler warning)
When Donnie is in the therapy room and tells the doctor than Frank the rabbit is "RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!", the theatrical DVD sound is very bland but the director's cut DVD sound for this is crisp and chilling!
Closing comments: I was never a fan of the movie until the director's cut came out(i bought it on release day), now i love the movie. Thanks to the director and everyone else responsible for putting this director's cut DVD set together!
Troll 2 (1990)
Hysterical-You haven't seen anything until you've seen TROLL 2!
(Contains 1 minor spoiler (noted later in review, otherwise spoiler-free)
Let's see..where do i start? This is unquestionably the funniest movie i have seen in my life. I had only heard bad things about this movie (to avoid it, etc.) but i came across the Troll/Troll 2 DVD used at a local store, and i like the first movie, so i bought it. Now don't get me wrong, i love the first movie, but Troll 2..oh man..i had no idea what i was in for until i watched it. i mean WoW, this movie is so bad, so horrible, that i just couldn't help but cry from laughter just about every 5-10 minutes. From the acting (if it can even be called that) to the 'plot', to the costumes, *Everything* about this movie is so over-the-top horrid/ridiculous, that it makes this movie one of, if not the best comedy ever made. While Troll 1, of course, is the meat & potatoes of this DVD, Troll 2, unbelievably, is the true reason to buy this DVD. It is so compellingly entertaining, is HAS to be seen to believed. Troll 2 rivals every so-bad-it's-hilariously good/entertaining movie that i've ever seen. It beats Halloween III, Link, It's Pat, Cabin boy, The good son, Sleepwalkers, and C.H.U.D. just to name a few. Don't get me wrong, i mean that in a good way, as i love the above movies, it's just that i didn't think it could get any better than those movies--and then Troll 2 happened. This movie is easily the king of cheese, and i also mean that in a good way, because regardless if it was indeed unintentional or not to make such a hilarious movie, it succeeds at what almost every current Hollywood fails at--Troll 2 is actually entertaining. And in the end, that's ultimately what matters--is that a movie is entertaining and holds the viewers' interest for the entire duration. Troll 2 does just that and much more. And it's actually extremely successful as a comedy. (WARNING: Minor spoiler ahead) If Troll 2 doesn't make you laugh throughout, just wait until you see what the little kid ends up pulling out of a carry sack (given to him by his grandfather)towards the end of the movie to be used as a 'secret weapon' to defeat the goblins. That scene has got to be the funniest thing i have ever seen in *any* movie. At that point, my eyes were so full of tears from laughing, that i couldn't concentrate on the movie and so i had to momentarily pause the movie and recollect myself. In closing, to every fan of cheesy cinema out there-believe me when i tell you, this movie is rich. You haven't seen anything until you've seen TROLL 2. It's hysterical. It should be in every fan's collection. Go out and buy it now before it goes out-of-print. You'll regret it later. This movie is so good and hysterically entertaining, that i can't help but give it a 10 out of 10 rating. Troll 2 is simply great. I could watch it again and again and not get tired of it. To the makers of this movie: You have made an excellent movie and i would love to see a multi-disc special edition DVD set for Troll 2! Do it for the fans!
Daredevil (2003)
Forget the theatrical version, buy the director's cut DVD instead!
This review is for the Director's cut DVD of Daredevil. In all honesty, i liked the theatrical version of this movie. But now that i have seen the true version of this movie, the director's cut, i don't have any desire to watch the theatrical cut ever again. The director's cut is an improvement in every way. Everything makes sense now, and the characters are more fleshed out, which is a very good thing.
The DC is 30 minutes longer than the original cut, of which the new footage ranges from a whole new big subplot, and little things, that actually have more impact and and make the movie more understandable and better than you might imagine. The action scenes are way better also. The DC makes the movie into what it should've been in the first place before the studio screwed with it. I can't believe how much the studio hacked this movie up for theater..it is quite ridiculous. But now with the movie restored to it's original vision, i can fully enjoy it without the thought of something missing from it. In comparison, the only thing that the original DVD release has over this new DC DVD is it has a second bonus features/behind the scenes disc.
The DC DVD is one disc, and has a few movie trailers, a making-of featurette, and an all new audio commentary. Despite it's shortcomings in form of a second disc compared to it's counterpart, i'd choose the DC over the theatrical version any day. The DC is simply so much better. Forget what you know about the theatrical cut of the movie, and give this new DC version a chance..it is superior to the other version in every way. So give it a try, and i think you might be pleasantly surprised. Even those of you who hate the original cut.
My vote, in comparison: Theatrical version- 5.5 Director's cut version- 9.5
In closing, i'd like to thank the Director, the film editors, and everyone else who made this wonderful Director's cut DVD possible. I love the new version, and it's nice to see the Director's vision restored to this movie after nearly 1 1/2 years. Two thumbs up! R.I.P. Daredevil theatrical version!!
Van Helsing (2004)
Like 'Nighmare Creatures', only crappy. - SPOILERS
The advertising/marketing of this movie is what eventually reeled me in to finally rent this movie on DVD. The movie looked like it would be slick enough, and have some cool monster action, reminding me a lot of the video game 'Nightmare Creatures'. The difference is is that Nightmare creatures is good. But anyway, wow, after seeing this movie, i see that Hollywood never ceases to keep getting cheesier and cheesier. They have reached a new low in all areas, especially in the form of writing horrible scripts, and the (horrible) use of CGI. I simply cannot put into words how atrocious the cgi in this movie is.
It is so bad that it ruined the entire movie for me. One of the most laughable effects would have to be Frankenstein's monsters' brain, which glows like one of those static balls you can buy in almost any store (the kind you can put your finger on and the static follows it). I can't believe they used CGI for that, i could've bought a static ball, stuffed it into the back of a prosthetic head and achieved a better result. All of the cgi is just horrible, all of the monsters were laughable except for Frankenstein's monster, he was overall kinda cool because he was not CGI and his acting was decent. I hate CGI, but not for what it is, but how Hollywood uses it. They simply do not know what they are doing. The creatures in this movie would have benefited greatly from being physically built. There is never a 'scary' or tense moment in this because of the Scooby Doo movie CGI looking creatures. The flying creatures might as well have been tossing Scooby snacks to the villagers below them. I've seen plenty of bad movies, but this one is bad all around. Bad acting (mostly), HORRIBLE special effects, crappy script, and the movie is way too long for what it is. It tries it's best to be 'epic', but fails miserably.
I have nothing against long movies, as long as they are actually good. This one would have been better off shorter. Fortunately, i wasn't unlucky enough to have seen this in the theater. However a friend of mine has and now i too feel his pain. I'm tired of having my intelligence insulted by going to the theater and always seeing garbage movies. I hear people comment about movies such as this as being 'fun' movies and not to expect much. Well, i am the consumer and i sure as Helsing should be getting more for my money than this crap. And the reason Hollywood keeps churning out this crap is because millions of people keep allowing it by giving them money.
If people would boycott theaters for awhile, Hollywood would try harder. I wanted to like Van Helsing, but, i simply really cannot. I'm kinda depressed now after seeing this heap. But i should've known better, in the days of almost always crappy CGI, and Hollywood being so unoriginal that they actually have to remake movies. In closing, Van Helsing is one of the worst movies i have seen in a while, and it's right up there with Wendigo and House of the dead.
So, unless you enjoy video game(borderline cartoon) graphics as the main attraction in movies, glowing static ball monster of frankenstein brains, stay away from this. If you want some cool monster hunting action, play Nightmare Creatures instead. Hollywood, you need to at least try to polish your turds a little more..because the corn is still showing. I just wasted 2 hours of my life watching this 'movie'. My vote: 1 out of 10.