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CHIPS (2017)
I love Dax Shepard but I hated this
I watched this because it's starred, written, and directed by Dax Shepard.
I expected a buddy cop comedy but what I got was juvenile toilet humor and gross physical gags that don't even land.
Not to mention the "buddy" part was ruined on account of there being zero chemistry between the lead characters, something I suspect is due to the dumb weak script. This was probably the worst of all this movie's "sins" since, at this point in movie-making craft, the formula for juxtaposing protagonists is so well-known to be considered a trope in itself.
My disappointment was palpable. I watched the last half/third merely out of morbid curiosity to see how much lower they could stoop to.
I wish I could give this zero stars but I can't. I suppose I can take solace in the fact that I can give it one star for Dax Shepard.
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)
Better than the last two acts of Genisys
But worse than the first act of Genisys
And I'm even taking the casting of Jai Courtney into account
This will likely end up like Terminator 3, 4, and 5, which were retconned as not being "canon" so another movie can be made to further exploit nostalgic fans of T1 and T2
Cannon Busters (2019)
Cowboy Bebop called
They want their protagonist back
I could do the same with several other anime such as Trigun or Outlaw Star.
Yeah, yeah, "influences" but that's just a cope when it's this blatant.
In the Shadow of the Moon (2019)
Answer me this
Why doesn't she go back in time and stop the Barbary pirates then?
Oh, wait, don't answer that question.
You already know the answer, we're just not allowed to say it since it would pierce the prevailing narrative.
Instead we're fed narratives to either try and guilt a specific group (which can be discriminated against with impunity) or make you hate them by justifying going back in time and undoing killing them.
At least Ben Shapiro had the sense to claim to not wanting to go back in time and kill baby Hitler.
The FP (2011)
This is the best movie.
And I'm not even going to bother justifying that statement.
The Last Witch Hunter (2015)
Dumb fun
Don't think about it
This movie kinda plays it obvious since we all know that if there's ever a world-ending plague it will have its origins in New York City.
Awkward. (2011)
Good up to season 3
If you consider the first three seasons this show is a 10/10
Everything after that is a slow decline which will make you wish the producers had the common sense to let the show end with dignity.
Split (2016)
Just bad is better than utterly terrible I guess
I watched this because some acquaintances told me that it is "Shyamalan's redemption/comeback" or something.
If you heard this as well, know that these people are wrong. The only good things about this movie was the acting, something which I credit the actors for.
While there are several problems with this movie, I'd like to focus on two (related) problems which have been pervasive in Mr. Shyamalan's corpus: 1. terrible exposition; 2. he needs professional help. While it may seem the latter is an attempt at mocking Mr. Shyamalan's mental state, it is not (though I wouldn't vouch for him not being some sort of narcissist), the professional I'm referring to is a professional scriptwriter.
This is related to the terrible exposition which happens in his movies. Not only is it "midichlorians" bad, the dosing of the exposition is completely uneven, making parts that need exposition boring and parts that don't need exposition annoying.
Skip this unless someone is threatening to pull out your fingernails with pliers if you don't watch it.
Captain Fantastic (2016)
Bernie Bro's LARPing as socialist New Men®
I found the story odd because these type of people in real life actually don't have a special education or any deep connection with the environment but instead are overpriced soy Latte sipping urbanites whose education is, at best, a liberal arts degree that set them tens of thousands of dollars in debt, whose diet chronically suffers from B complex deficiency, can't stand natural light, especially light coming from the sun, whose idea of discipline is engaging in vices on a regular schedule, and wouldn't be able to bench half their own weight if their lives depended on it, much less push themselves off the floor.
The previous paragraph isn't meant to criticize people whose lives are like that since that's their own choice, but to criticize this movie's script, which managed to require a suspension of disbelief greater than movies that feature magical mitochondria that grant psychic powers.
Since I tagged this review as containing spoilers I can warn readers that there's a scene with gratuitous Viggo Mortensen phallus. Its only purpose was an attempt at self-serving humor but we know in real life he would (hopefully) be charged with public indecency and probably put on some sex offender registry (unless he claimed some special victim status).
A Time to Kill (1996)
Based on a novel
This movie is the film adaptation of John Grisham's A Time to Kill. Some would (inevitably) argue that the book is better but I won't because both are pretty bad. I will make the case for the film being better merely because the acting had more emotion than the novel.
According to Wikipedia "The inspiration came from the case of the rape and assault of 12 year old Marcie Scott and her 16 year old sister Julie Scott. Unlike Grisham's depiction, however, the Scotts were white and their assailant, Willie Harris, was black." which is hilarious when you consider the defense's closing argument "now imagine she's white."
Only in the realm of fiction could the plot of this movie happen.
There's an iconic scene by Samuel Jackson so I'll give it 2 stars.
Enemy (2013)
The emperor has no clothes
Part of the reason I wasted my time with this movie was because of the good reviews. After watching it I could only reach the conclusion that all those good reviews exist because no one wants to "look dumb" for not "getting it" (not unlike most of David Lynch and Lars von Trier's corpus of work).
There are reviewers that will promise you some secret metaphorical meaning, but given that the movie is as utterly disappointing and unfulfilling as the "intelligent reviewers" are forthcoming with their promises, I wouldn't hold my breath.
Watch Synecdoche instead.
Friends with Kids (2011)
Boring, predictable, and with main characters you'll hate
Funny moments are sparse, while opportunities for the director/screenwriter to remind you that the leads are better liberals than you (regardless of your political persuasion) are bountiful (and exist for no apparent reason).
All in all, the plot was boring, the ending predictable and the supporting actors used (Jon Hamm, Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig) had their talents wasted on a trivial plot that barely manages to make anyone laugh or care.
The only real spoiler for this movie is that it's neither funny nor good.