PhilosophicZombi Reviews

Cazadores de espías (1969)

Lesson learned...never bite a robot!

[3/10 · 6 January 2006]

Cazadores de Espías, or "Spy Hunters" (as near as I can translate), is a sight to behold. I was initially fooled into believing that this was a lucha libre film, but be forewarned it is something else entirely. Instead I was greeted with a 70's spy flick involving evil overlords, mad scientists, mysterious vixens, robots, a luchadore, deadly man strangling plants and go-go dancers, with a musical number or two thrown in for good measure. Sadly, my Spanish is rusty, and with no dubbing or subtitles, this was a rough sit through. This film cannot be taken seriously, so just sit back and enjoy the ride, with the knowledge that you'll never see anything like this again.

The Carrier (1988)

Wow....just....wow...

[7/10 · 15 November 2005]

I'm a movie buff. I've seen thousands of films, ranging from superb to utter trash, but "The Carrier" was.... umm... something else entirely. I was making my way through an outdoor market, when I came upon a booth filled with VHS tapes from a recently closed Rental store. I found a bundle of gems, z-grade horror movies that even in the depth of my searches had never seen or even heard about. Innitially, "The Carrier" seemed the most tame of the bunch, but I was quite wrong. I expected a cheesy 80's creature feature, but instead, I got a religious, political, medical thriller with the most bizarre imagery, acting, and storyline I think I have ever been witness to. The story is basically about a despised social outcast, who is attacked by a monster/mutant/alien/metaphor/ thing(?) who passes on a deadly disease. The box informed me of that much. What it failed to mention is that the entire film is a surrealist nightmare. It's like watching a twisted medical epidemic version of Leave it to Beaver, but with violent gangs wrapped in plastic, disturbed fundamentalist religious cults and 1950's social satire. I watched the first half trying in vain to figure out what was going on and the second half wondering how on earth this thing could end. The film was not bad, it never reached a state of being boring, but it was so confusing. Part of me would really like to hear a director's commentary on this movie, maybe they would be able to explain all the metaphors and allegories that no doubt existed but just didn't shine through all of the madness. When the credits rolled, i was literally left speechless and I had to take a nap. Yes... thats the kind of movie this was. I don't know who i should recommend this to, horror fans will be left dumbfounded, Indy film lovers will lash out at the effects and muddled ideas throughout. If you get the opportunity to watch this, I would suggest a trial run. You'll be left with a head full of questions but you will be thought provoked.

Jarhead (2005)

Jake Gyllenhaal as a troubled youth... brilliant casting.... can you taste the Sarcasm?

[2/10 · 5 November 2005]

Let me run an idea past you. In a film, a greenhorn soldier has emotional realizations about the ugly truth of war, while confronting the demons of his own beliefs and self doubt. Sounds pretty good right! Of course. That's because "Apocalypse Now", "Full Metal Jacket", "Platoon".... they already covered this folks. Thus when watching Jarhead, you will likely have your own flashbacks. Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx... remind anyone else of Charlie Sheen and Keith David? Repetitive qualities aside, I've grown to despise war movies, and not just the crap like "Pearl Harbor". From the 1940's to the 1960's the only movies made regarding war were propaganda films where the military was always virtuous and noble. Then came the mid 60's and every film made lashed out at the government, writing the military off as a group of war mongers. The real military, like everything else in life isn't black and white, its a hundred thousand shades of gray. If ever there was a film accurately portraying the military, it would probably be quite dull. Unfortunately, movies pointing out the military's flaws seem to draw in cash, so they keep getting made. "Lucky" for me, I got a free screening. I've wasted two hours... spare yourselves the time and money. Check out the Wallace and Gromit movie, you might hate it, but at least you'll avoid the deja vu.

Infested (2002)

What do Gremlins, Power Rangers and killer bugs have in common?

[5/10 · 2 July 2005]

Amy Jo Johnson, the pink ranger herself and Zack Galligan of Gremlins and Waxwork fame, both put in appearances in this flick. When I see a movie poster with absolutely none of the main characters on it, there are only two explanations. Either the filmmakers are being secretive and hip, or the movie itself was hastily thrown together and they couldn't get their actors to show up for a photo shoot after it wrapped. This would be the latter. There isn't much to say about this film, really bad CGI vampiric bugs show up, due to some poorly explained government back-story. Stupid people do stupid things and don't hang around for a sequel. The bugs apparently fly into a human body, breed and control the carcass as a zombie to stay out of the sun. I would love an explanation as to how these bugs are capable of re-animating the dead. I have never seen such completely nonthreatening zombies. I do recommend a watch however, it was fun to see Zack Galligan doing his B-movie thing, and yes Amy Jo does have a rather lengthy shower scene, but sorry guys, the childhood fantasy of seeing her in the raw goes unfulfilled. Watch it with friends in the mood to laugh, but for a scare, look elsewhere.

The Ghouls (2003)

Powerful and insightful... rare in a zombie film....

[7/10 · 14 June 2005]

First and foremost, the distributors fooled me. The box implied that this was a large scale zombie movie and that there would be a handful of survivors in a ravaged city. This was simply not the case. However instead of being angry as would generally be the case, I was taken aback. This movie is no zombie fest, but it was a very dark and thought provoking movie. I was pondering it long after the very odd and fitting credits rolled. Ghouls, is about a sleazy paparazzi reporter who makes his pseudo-living by filming scenes of crime, murder, and tragedy. The gruesome sights never bother him until he finds himself on the receiving end of the horror. Ghouls come in two varieties here: the flesh-eating type and the social type. There are some powerful themes running throughout this gem, largely about the media but also some other ideas, like smoking, identity and overall moral standings in our society. I had some trouble warming up to the "hero", but I realized we aren't meant to like him. You might pity him, sympathize with him, even feel concern for him, but you never truly like him. Much better than I would have expected, but this IS a thinking movie-goer's zombie film, action isn't the real point. If you're thinking about buying this solely to see scads of the undead, look elsewhere.

Zone Troopers (1985)

"Was I dreaming or did I just KO Hitler?"

[8/10 · 7 May 2005]

7 1/2 out of 10

I was scanning some titles at a local video store when I happened upon a bizarre little film called Zone Troopers. A group of American soldiers in WW II stuck behind enemy lines, run across a crashed alien spacecraft. The box art looked promising, but my expectations were low. Surprise! This movie was actually entertaining. Sure there were some gaping plot holes, the script wasn't exactly academy award material, and the alien costume left a little to be desired, but I had no trouble getting into this film. It never got boring, I even became attached to a few of the characters. This won't top anyone's movie list, but it's definitely worth a watch. For Full Moon fans out there you'll be happy to know that Tim Thomerson, the "Dollman" himself, acts as the Sarge in Zone Troopers, easily my favorite character of the bunch.

Monstroid (1980)

Thar she BLOWS!!!

[11 May 2004]

Where can we begin... This film starts off in Colombia with a young couple dancing to festive music in the night. As is natural in this situation, their frolicking is interrupted as the man is attacked and killed by a shadowy fish/lizard creature. Que loud scream and..."MONSTER". While the begining is far from unique, the camera work gave me some nostalgic vibes from similar 70's films and I thought that maybe, just maybe there was hope for this diamond in the rough. Alas...I suppose when you buy a 30 year old video tape for a dollar at an antique store, you get what you pay for. After a brief intro telling us how this is all based on a "true" story, we are introduced to a group of business men discussing the state of their mine in Colombia. Apparently talk of lake monsters and witchcraft have disrupted the flow of cash and the board 'ain't' happy about it. SO add in some environmental issues, religious views and an annoying nerdy kid who believes in the lake monster and you've got yourself...well... a mess. "The monster manages to "get in touch" with three or four individuals. These scenes aren't too bad, but they are few and far between the hour of talking. Even a witch burning doesn't do much to speed this film up. First problem. If you're going to have a movie called "monster", please make said monster not laughable. It's early scenes were brief, actually managing to keep the tension up, but believe me, the big reveal is sort of a let down. Imagine the Lock Ness monster mixed with a lizard and a catfish and you'll have some idea. Now once the creature is revealed, certainly our "hero's" will face off with it personally right...RIGHT!!! Nope, the best way is to pump a lamb full of dynamite and go fishing. I do have a slight problem with this. Obviously, if a creature has been surviving for thousands of years without having been discovered, and it is capable of going for a little stroll on land, it must be somewhat intelligent. So why does the creature decide to go out for a bite to eat and reveal itself when it is surrounded and being followed by a helicopter? Perhaps he was a media whore... Of course our hero manages to accidentally drop detonator in the water, causing him to brave a swim. Personally this was just stupidity on his part, and I was rooting for the Monster. Alas this occasionally clever beast decides to play around with a guy in a boat rather than take care of the real threat. SO the beast goes Kaboom. There is much rejoicing...unfortunately they don't realize that Monsters like to lay hundreds of eggs in a clearly visible and poorly protected area which can hatch spontaneously releasing offspring which are actually too large to fit in the supposed eggs they came from. Everybody up to speed? Don't worry about it. Personally I didn't hate this film as much as I have others. In this case the makers were simply over enthusiastic with their budget constraints. The plot could have worked and the film could have been a little scary with more money and better casting. One little factoid I noticed, is that women have progressed considerably since the 70's. In this movie, secretaries are called darlin' and honey, and have their posteriors fondled in ways that would see a modern man carried off for a chat with a grand jury.