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The Breakfast Club (1985)
My terrible little secret: I HATE THIS MOVIE!
Why am I the only one in my generation that hates this movie? For that matter, I hate nearly every John Hughes classic. I've never say anything to my friends, my family, even my wife!
But, I hate this movie above all other John Hughes's '80s teen movies.
I certainly do not expect anyone who stumbles across my little IMDb review to agree with me; I know I'm in the minority (I have no doubt that there are more people that believe 9/11 was an inside job and Obama was not born in the United States than genuinely hate this movie).
Why do I hate this movie? First, I probably review this movie every two years or so thinking that I may find myself at a point in my life where I may enjoy The Breakfast Club. Nope. Hated it every single time. The first time I watched this movie was probably in 1989. I was nine and indifferent to it - didn't really understand it. That was the last time I didn't hate Claire, Bender, et al.
I guess the single reason I hate The Breakfast Club is that I hate teenagers. I especially hate teenagers who think they are deep or that we can learn something from their existence. I hate teenagers who believe they are misunderstood and no one knows what they are going through. This movie is the essence of why I hate teenagers.
Pretty in Pink (1986)
Not all that Pretty
I might be missing something, but I do not understand the appeal of this particular John Hughes production. I tend to enjoy John Hughes and I am not a member of any anti-Ringwald clubs, so those types of prejudice do not factor into my acute disdain for this particular film.
The film is woefully dated. It is not the references to records, slang or the clothes that date it. Instead the intangible style and attitude possessed by the characters ages the movie.
On a more personal level, what makes me want to throttle this film is the is the creation of high school as the summit of life. Around this perceived pinnacle swirls "adult" conversations of understandings of life, and particularly love. I watch and cannot help to snicker at the thought that anyone would take Andie and Jack's or Andie and Iona's delving into these matters seriously. Perhaps the most realistic view of high school romance and love held in the film, as morally despicable as it is, is by Steff. This was almost as funny as overhearing a two hour symposium on love given by Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.
Money Talks! (1951)
Ben Franklin talks Savings Accounts
This educational short isn't too bad and given the current climate of credit card exorbitance, might be a good idea to dust off the old film reel and show it to kids on a rainy school day.
Of course, that would be a bit delusional because this short is incredibly dated in the fact that it makes the individual responsible for making their own money by working for it. In my small corner of the world, children EXPECT their parents to buy them whatever they want. So talking about saving money would be a moot point.
Technically, this short is a cookie cutter impression of every B&W short made in this era and the technique of some historic person coming back to talk about some inane aspect of modern life (like saving money and budgets) seems to be a popular meme in this era.
The Beatniks (1958)
WARNING!! There are no Beatniks in this Movie
This is my largest complaint; no Beatnik culture, no snapping fingers and performance poetry, marijuana, not even the stereotypical black clothes and sunglasses -- how can you get that part wrong? Instead the "Beatniks" are mostly your typical 50s squares and range to a geek-greaser (Mooney) and the lone woman in the group, think of a "Grease" Frenchy-Rizzo mix.
Since, the majority of the plot of this movie revolves around Eddie's musical ability the audience gets plenty of solo performances. The music is fine for a low budget movie like "Beatniks", nothing you will remember past the end credits. Again, even when Eddie was a "Beatnik" he wasn't singing Beatnik music, more like Mel Torme-like crooning.
Other glaring mistakes in this movie is the continuity (see the GOOFS section) and the character of Moon is just ridiculous, with a catch phrase that will live on forever (I'm gonna MOON ya'!). The Eddie character is a little annoying in his inconsistency -- is he a goon with a heart of gold or just a jerk? All in all this is a very, very bad movie.
Sleeper (1973)
A Slip on a Banana Peel and a Bonk on the Head with a Mallet
I was a bit disappointed with "Sleeper" in comparison to other early Woody Allen films. This is most likely due the amount of slapstick comedy, which I found to be a little too alien for a Woody Allen picture. This is not to say that the slapstick was not funny at times, just that Woody Allen really excels at plot/dialog driven comedy and the slapstick became redundant and the humor was lost. However, this should not detract from how funny this film is especially in comparison to most of today's silver screen comedies, even recent Woody Allen contributions.
Putting the slapstick aside, "Sleeper" employed a lot of Sci-Fi archetypes: the sleeper, an American dystopia with an Orwellian "Leader," androids and machine living, cloning, and so on. Unfortunately, Woody Allen doesn't really joke on these Sci-Fi conventions, instead the film mocked American pop culture up to 1973. This dates the film more so than the antiquated look of the "futuristic" computers, and in my opinion, a missed opportunity to give some really good jabs to the Sci-Fi genre.
Better Off Dead... (1985)
Odd 80s Cusack Vehicle
This type of film has vanished; a fossil record that includes Weird Science and Real Genius. Maybe they haven't vanished, rather, like the intended audience, Better Off Dead
type films have just matured and evolved into the species that includes Being John Malkovich. This film defies the logic of the 80s teenage romantic comedy; a system that you will find in the typical John Hughes film of this time. There is not a better actor than John Cusack that could play a lead role in an off-the-wall 80s suburban fantasy; for Pete's sakes, a skiing team? Around John Cusack's Lane Meyer, revolve a bevy of delightful, exotic characters. The writing is acceptable, but the vision and imagery is colorful and robust. For this reviewer, this film is infinitely more excellent for peripherals of the Lane Meyer plot line.
Ultima Online (1997)
If you like to be insulted by...
junior high preteens or some of the most illogical people in the States, this game is for you.
When I first began playing this game in college, I was quickly sucked in. It provided hours of enjoyment, which were also mixed with boredom. An interesting mix, but regardless I continue to pay my dues to be involved with this game. Met some interesting people from all over the world, who made it a sole reason for me to continue to pay the monthly fee to play. Problem was that the most interesting people tend to move on with their lives and drop the game after a point. Many times they just did not find that the maturity level was up to par with what they wanted from the world.
However, once you got involved with game you begin to realize something. For me the epiphany was that I was wasting my life to a game, where the best players were simply the best cheaters or dirty players, and always the worse sports. Also, as stated earlier, these people garnered my respect. Until it dawned on me, why should I care, they are hopelessly lost in a video game, in a false reality, a place where the least acceptable persons were given accolades. There were people that would neglect very important parts of life to play this game, because they feared if they did not play every day for hours they would be that much more behind.
Thankfully, I was able to pull myself from the keyboard and say to myself, there is plenty more to life.
Now, about the actual game set apart from the people. The graphics are woefully dated. The technical support is dreadful. The game itself is pretty easy to learn if one continues to check and read the game's website. It becomes evident very quickly that no one really cares about a challenge, since illegal programs and cheating are abundant.
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
The Funny Underbelly of a Nightmare
If I had a pie chart representing my total nightmares throughout my life; the largest pieces would belong to those with zombies and those with a mushroom cloud of some sort. Now, I was not born in the heat of the Cold War nor did I really ever have that incredible fear of the Russians and nuclear bombs that I am sure that my parents did. However, the hydrogen bomb haunts me at twice a year.
After watching Strangelove, my nightmares become laughable, and more haunting. I am of the generation that was not directly touched by this film, but rather hears echoes of it through parodies, homages, and so forth. Though this film is lauded as a terrific black comedy (which it is), it is also a horror film and very serious with its treatment of the issue. In Strangelove, human beings have this ability to make everything vanish in moments. It is an ability that neither side wants to push itself into a position of having to do, yet things continue to escalate to a point where no one can make a mistake. Yet, if we as humans understand and know so well is that humans will continue to make mistakes. This is the stuff that fuels my nightmare.
Batman & Robin (1997)
Comic Book Hero Choreographed by Busby Berkeley
Not much to say about Batman and Robin that has not already been said. Entire film is miscast, except the reoccurring actors that portray Alfred and Commissioner Gordon. Even if you like puns, the screenplay is full of clichés and pages of Deus ex machinas. The budget was huge on this film, but the effects are quite cheesy and at times on par with something found in an Ed Woods production.
Do not expect this to be a dark film that delves into anything. Rather, Schumacher turns Tim Burton's Batman into Adam West. For some people, the Adam West Batman was fun and does just fine. Yet, there is a problem with portraying Batman in this light in these films. The Batman films beginning with Batman (1989) wanted to do away with the campy element; they were driving at a new hero with problems and issues. This film attempts to try to show this aspect in some scenes, but it is not very close. Those scenes are only playing lip service to the franchise that made such an impact on fans and critics. Instead, plenty of Batman purists were duped. The film is not the worst, but instead it stirs resentment in thousands of people because they so hoped to have one thing and then were handed the opposite, and, of course, no refund was given.
Yûsei ôji (1959)
Invulnerability: How?
Prince of Space, not much need to summarize the plot, since many people do a nice enough job of it.
There is a major dysfunction of this film that really bothers me. That dysfunction that is like a hair in my mouth is Prince's invulnerability to the same laser guns that fry other human beings. Never in this film is his ability to do this explained. We are led to believe that he is a simple man, which gets by on simple means. Yet, somehow he is a brilliant scientist with an extensive budget, the Japanese equivalent of mixing Alfred and Bruce Wayne together. No where in this film is any of this explain. I suppose the audience is to assume that an explanation or a background story to Prince's genius and development of the laser proof costume and spaceship would only drag this film out.
Direction is very poor; dubbing very poor, English translation of script is flat and typical for this type of movie. All in all, the film is fun just for the fact that it is poorly made.
The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)
Experiment...Experiment...Experiment
I would have enjoyed this movie slightly more had not been for Jason (Herb) Evers constant harping on experiment. Many early reviewers of The Seven Samurai accused Toshiro Mifune of overacting. Yet, as more and more critics viewed that film they saw it as being purposefully done. Jason Evers is obviously not Toshiro Mifune, and his overacting is exactly that.
Most of the actors in this B classic were rather good actors, minus Evers and the showgirls. If you watch this movie, you would have noticed Evers shouting almost every line, that is until he is smoking and blowing the smoke coolly out his nose.
The special effects were par for the course in a B movie such as this one. In hindsight, there isn't much that stands out in my mind as fantastically good or bad for this movie.
Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (1983)
A Education in Boggy Creek Studies
Since the Razorbacks won the NCAA tournament with a crybaby coach (Nolan Richardson) and a God awful forward (Corliss Williamson), I thought I didn't need much more reason to hate the University of Arkansas.
Along came my viewing of this movie. I am not writing a polemic against the University, nor am I mocking the intelligence of the people of the state of Arkansas and the students of the University. However, I am very surprised that the University did not file suit against the creators of this movie.
Charles Pierce's role and writing of a professor is laughable. I cannot imagine any university allowing a cretin to have a position higher than a grounds maintenance. No one is sure what he is a professor of. Also, if his described "best student" is a rather moronic girl and his assistant is a wispy freshman (in college I do not remember many freshmen being assistants to professors).
I am aware of programs that are in search of extinct or "mythological" creatures, yet I am almost positive that such crypto-zoology department does not exist at the University of Arkansas.
Bloodlust! (1961)
Mediocre
I read recently a review by Roger Ebert by a local independent newspaper after his film festival in Champaign, Illinois. One remark he made was (I cannot locate the interview so I will paraphrase)that mediocre movies were actually the worst type of movie because they are not laughable. I suppose that is how I feel about this movie. It wasn't bad and it wasn't very good or rememberable. I agree with some of the reviewers opinions that so much derision for this movie is due to it being shown on Mystery Science Theater. I did find that particular episode amusing, but something was continuously nagging me about this movie. That was it wasn't horrible, but really boring. I did find myself somewhat captivated by watching a non-Mike Brady Robert Reed and found the ending not surprising for a plot turn (everyone knows how these "Most Dangerous Game" movies end), but by the type of graphic violence.
I can understand how some people would enjoy this movie, but I really think that it lacks most of the elements that make a campy movie fun.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
It Slipped through the Cracks
'Manos' is definitely a poorly made movie, but I just cannot bring myself to say that it is the worst of all time. I feel that it was one of those things that slips through the cracks or cheats its way into the public consciousness. 'Manos' has a lot things that shout amatuer filmmaking -- but it successfully brings to the screen a story and yes it has a plot. I am not going to sum this movie up like so many other people do. The plot is simple, a family encounters something dark and horrific. The problem that so many people have with this movie is the lame script, disasterous sound effects, the muted color, and the meandering plot. You know what, that is comparable to a lot of people's opinions. Say what you may, but I have seen so many "works of artistic expression" that are the equivalent to 'Manos.' Yet, these people were constantly lied to about how great their poem, short story, painting, etc. was. It was the level of amatuer that kept these pieces of artistic expression from the public eye. As stated before, 'Manos' just simply slip through the cracks. Also, it did not try to exploit me, say like a _Gigli_ or _Batman and Robin_. 3 out of 10 stars
Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (1963)
I finally know what a farm is!!!
Whenever I watch an old-timey short like this one, I wonder if kids in this time period were so oblivious to what a farm is. Also, I need to make a point about farms and what is on them. Shorts like this make farms seem that every conceivable barnyard animal is on each and every farm. Growing up on a hog farm in Iowa (I know that this is worth a laugh or two), it would be economically stupid to raise all these animals (it is supposed to be a dairy farm, why are they raising chickens -- is it a tie in to a short about chicken farming). Back to the point about schoolkids watching these and not knowing what a farm is, I wonder if farmkids had to watch a similar strip in the 60s to discover that there were cities?
Why Study Industrial Arts? (1956)
Quick Compare this to Carnival of Souls...
Wow! Having never taken a shop class, I am happy that I never considered it. Actually, I cannot remember anyone from High School who did take shop -- except for Sheephead in the back of the bus, but he dropped out. You would think that if you were making a filmstrip about why you should take a string of classes that offers ridicule, that you would make your spokesman some what attractive and less dweeby (I used the word spokesman, because everyone knows that girls should not take shop classes, that's why schools offer home economics). The guy with glasses is not only slightly repulsive, but definitely learned the fine art of acting from shop teacher Bow Tie.
Given that the Mystery Science version was funny, this short is so out- moded that it is a hoot nonetheless.
The Creeping Terror (1964)
Chambana
After watching this movie and reading about it on the internet, I am astonished that this movie was allowed to be brought to any movie theater or drive-in.
I have come to understand that sci-fi/horror movies like this are of a bygone era. _The Creeping Terror_ and other 50s cheap productions are more so time capsules of values and mores of that generation. This is not to say that there are no longer any low rent/budget movies made, but this movie shows intrisically the culture it was made in. I will skip all references to the space race/phenomenon/craze and write about the other elements of this movie beside the carpet monster.
In this movie the scientist and the soldier (each representative of their respective industries or disciplines) are at odds with one another. When you consider current movies, science and the military are inseparable. Often, current movies show the scientist in sort of dilemma over the military's use of his or her discovery. Therefore, the military is vilified. Whereas this movie vilifies the scientist and the military is shown in a much more positive light.
Nevertheless, this movie is revoltingly terrible -- that is with the unimagitive and oft-used 50s sci-fi script and half-baked production quality.
Gong fu da pai mai (1979)
For those who can expend their belief
As one of my first ventures into old style, dubbed Kung Fu movies, this was very entertaining. I was expecting some hilariously bad movie, however I was pleasantly surprised about how well it was put together. It should show many critics that you do not need big budgets to make an entertaining film. Yet, on the flip side I guess it goes to show that to make a movie that can create a buzz, it will probably be need to have a larger budget. (Just look at _Gigli_, it was worse than this movie but had a much higher budget)
The direction is stereotypical for this genre or sub-genre of film. The comedy, of course, is on the slapstick side--but it achieves its purpose for a kung fu movie. Outside of it being a rather stereotypical attempt for this genre, I would recommend it others and have--but good luck finding a copy, but I have found it on DVD.
Ator 2: L'invincibile Orion (1983)
A poor movie from a badly treated genre
There are plenty of reviews that describe this movie as the worst ever made. For sure there are plenty of mistakes: lackluster acting, rather boring and cliched and at times paradoxical script, and the stock B-movie sound and "special" effects. As noted, there are plenty of glosses of plot, making _Cave Dwellers_ a tissue of fantasy film, especially in comparison with the Lord of the Rings trilogy. However, this movie is not the worst movie ever. Most, if not all, (including this review) of these reviews are written by fans of MSTK3. Therefore, many of these reviews are pretty much summaries of the MSTK3 episode of _Cave Dwellers_.
In the episode, Joel, Tom Servo, and Crow remark to the Mad Scientists that this is the worst movie ever sent to them. Of course, loyal fans have taken this quote and ran with it. I have found this movie endearing-not in a way that one finds _Forrest Gump_ endearing-but in the effort put into this movie by some the cast. Also, this movie is laughable without its MSTK3 treatment. That is because _Cave Dwellers_ does not take itself seriously, and it is not trying to import into its viewers some sort of righteous theme. For all of the monster puppets, medieval hang gliding, and continuity lapses-this movie does not advertise to be any more that what it is, a shallow depiction of a rather shallow genre.
Likewise, I can't bring myself to hate Miles O'Keeffe or Lisa Foster. Instead this hatred is for Coleman Francis, Tony Cardoza, Jennifer Lopez, Arch Hall, Jr., and so on.
Angels' Brigade (1979)
A Microcosm of Why I Hate Charlie's Angels
Big breasts and nice bums are not enough for me. In my opinion there are not that many attractive people in this piece of junk besides. What really irks me about this movie is supposed righteous theme that is presented by our heroines. Drugs are bad, everyone knows this, but why did they see it fit to become crimefighters? They never really did go for the police, nor sought any type of help...instead this motley crew finds it necessary to fight for themselves. Without any experience, the audience has to make a leap of faith that these women know what they are doing. Seven untrained, naive women are going to bring down the entire empire of a drug lord. In a matter of days, these unheard and unknown group of seven women from backgrounds that have nothing to do with crimefighting, become a highly organized group that is able to take down this drug lord or any type of evil in the world. This story has so many lapses of logic, that I bet whoever wrote it never thought of proofreading; I compare it to a term paper written the night before. A completely icky movie.
The Skydivers (1963)
Do Tobacco Worms drink Coffee?
I won't lie and say that I would have any idea about this movie or who Coleman Francis is if it wasn't for MSTK3. But, I did watch the standard version of this movie and it was a trainwreck. Somehow, this movie was able to give me a bout of crushing depression. Not because the movie had a plot or any notable dialogue to instill a sense of dread into the viewers. Actually, after analyzing the "contents" of this movie, I think that _The Skydivers_ was suppose to have an opposite effect on the audience. Mr. Coleman Francis was able to achieve the depressing mood through repetitive and irksome skydiving scenes, "no inspire" reading of lines, desolate scenery, and ad nauseum. This is the most detestable movie I have ever seen; the first sign of the apocalypse. I will most likely never watch this movie again without MSTK3.
I gave this movie one star, but it is still too high of a rating.
The Gorilla (1939)
The Ritz Brothers Finest Film
When I saw this Bela Lugosi "Horror Classics" boxed DVD set at Best Buy for something like $4.99, I thought that I would be watching classic B-Horror fare (i.e. _The Devil Bat_, _The Ape Man_, and _Carnival of Souls_). The first title of the "11 hours of entertainment" was _The Gorilla_. Believe it or not, this would be the first Lugosi movie I would ever see outside of his small role in _The Wolf Man_. Yet, I was refused a good look at a non-Dracula/non-Universal Bela Lugosi. Instead I was introduced to the horrific comic stylings of the Ritz Brothers and Patsy Kelly. Upon first viewing, I said out loud, "Are these guys suppose to be funny?" (By the way, they are supposed to be a comedy TEAM, but from what I saw the one Ritz brother cracked all the jokes as the other two made faces.) Yes, I am aware that their slapstick humor would be extremely sweet with movie-goers of the 1930s ad 1940s -BUT- these guys are so very lame. And, Dear Lord, Kelly's screaming is a steak knife scratching over and over again on a plate. Regardless, out of all the movies in this set, I cannot stop watching _The Gorilla_. After a couple of screenings, I hate to admit it, but the Ritz Brothers have grown on me (sorry, Kelly hasn't). Not because they are funny, but because their performance is so ridiculously terrible, that it evolves into funny.