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Road House (2024)
They Should Be Punished
The writers and directors of this movie should not be allowed to get away with this. It is criminally bad and they need to suffer consequences for what they have done. They should be publicly flogged, tarred and feathered and have the words "I Suck" branded to their foreheads backwards so they can read it in the mirror.
Jake Gyllenhaal and Conor McGregor are not the problems. Everyone else is.
The acting is so bad that my cat could do better. Jessica Williams, who plays the Road House owner, was obviously hired solely because she is black; she could not act her way out of a paper bag if her life depended on it. It is as if she is reading the script for the first time.
The writing is absurd. What the characters do does not make any sense whatsoever.
The love interest, played by Daniela Melchior, is totally mean for no reason and yet he says she is nice. Her acting also terrible.
Daniela Melchior and Joachim de Almeida both sound like they learned their lines phonetically and don't understand what they are saying because their inflections are incorrect.
I hope the writers don't go back on strike; I hope they all walk off a cliff.
My Teacher, My Obsession (2018)
If Ellen Paige Were Way Hotter But Couldn't Act
If you like saying, "How about acting?" or "Take two..." out loud while watching a movie, then this is for you. If you're sad about Ellen Page's passing but also like women who have a well-stocked produce department, then you might make it to the end of this. If you like demonizing men for doing nothing wrong, then you'll love it. If you're sick and tired of the infinite pile of absolute garbage movies which never should have been made, then you'll probably think this one is actually pretty good, relatively speaking. To be clear, the lead actress got this gig because she looks and sounds like Ellen Page plus curves, despite the minus acting.
Firestarter (2022)
Satanists Run the Entertainment Industry
Admittedly, I stopped watching at 39:34 due to the cat torture scene. Before that point, I had to skip through most of the Zach Efron (the dad) scenes due to the absolutely horrendous writing and acting. I've never seen the original; I just thought this looked like it might be good based on the thumbnail image and the description.
Ryan Kiera Armstrong (Charlie McGee, the firestarter) is actually really good and I feel sorry for her for getting involved in this garbage project. She really deserves better and I think we will see her again despite how terrible this movie is.
I've never seen anything with Zach Efron before, but based on this, I'm guessing that his success is looks-based; or, maybe he can sing or something; but, his acting in this movie rhymes with 'log spit'.
Of course, this film is drenched in Wokeness, like everything else lately.
I would just like to watch a movie that doesn't completely suck; I don't even care if it's not good. Is that really asking too much? For the Satanists that thrive on tormenting their viewers, it is.
Orphan: First Kill (2022)
Pretty Bad
This film should've been made twelve years ago. The use of makeup, body doubles and CGI to create the illusion that Isabelle Fuhrman is younger-looking here than in the original Orphan is preposterously unconvincing. It should've been made by a different director and different writers. Most of the acting is terrible. Why was it made at all? Why wasn't it made with a ten year old actress who looks enough like Esther? Why did I give it three stars instead of one? Because Isabelle Fuhrman is magnificent. She carried the first one and she is the reason this prequel was made. Also, as bad as it is, it is still substantially better than most of the outright, utter garbage being made these days.
Primal Rage (2018)
Needs More Boobs
This is yet another offensively terrible piece of garbage in a long list of movies that never should have been made. The main problems are the terrible writing and terrible acting. Anyone who is an actual sasquatch enthusiast will be insulted by this film, as the sasquatch is depicted wearing tree bark armor, using a knife, using a bow and arrow and using fire; also, the film sticks to the same old error of referring to Bigfoot as a single, solitary creature, rather than a breeding population.
The best part of the movie is the female protagonist's side-boob and these scenes are few and far between. We only get side-boob, even though it would have completely made sense to show her totally naked in certain scenes. Like most films, gratuitous graphic violence is considered obligatory, yet God forbid we should see a boob.
I'm giving it two stars because the cinematography is actually pretty good, the music is okay, the river scene, relatively speaking, is down-right excellent. It probably could have been good if the characters were more dynamic, believable and likable, if the sasquatch was depicted more realistically, if the dialogue didn't suck, if they either showed what was going on with their son or never mentioned him in the first place, if the sasquatch was depicted accurately, and if the witch didn't look like a Halloween costume. That's a lot of ifs.
Yellowjackets (2021)
Lord of the Flies With Hot Chicks
This show is objectively good, if not great. The people who have left 1 star reviews for this show are all morons. For example, someone cited the implausibility of a girls soccer team having brought hunting knives on a plane ride as a reason for saying that the show is dumb; in fact, in Episode 3, they find the hunting knives in a cabin. The writing, acting, directing, casting, special effects, camera work, editing and music are all at least well above average; relative to the plethora of absolute garbage which never should've been made, this show is downright excellent.
If you're an adult and you think the soccer players are hot, it's okay, because although the legality of the characters being portrayed may be questionable, based on the research I've been able to do so far, all of the actors portraying the hot characters were at least eighteen, if not well into their twenties at the time of filming; so, ogle away.
The story and editing style is complicated and somewhat confusing, but it's interesting enough to want to put in the effort it takes to understand it. The confusion doesn't rise to the level of being frustrating and rather adds to the fun of watching. It's the kind of show you can watch multiple times and notice things you didn't notice before.
It may appeal particularly to sub-adult and young adult females, but I think anyone seventeen or older might enjoy it. It's possible that it's intentionally designed to be a cross-generational type of show that middle-aged parents and their young adult offspring will enjoy together. However, it's not for everyone due to some graphic violence and disturbing subject matters.
Getaway (2020)
We, as movie viewers, must demand better movies than this.
This is what happens when actual Satanists, who are under-talented and overprivileged, get together to sniff each other's farts: hicks with eyeliner, perfectly made-up hostages and totally unbelievable plot twists. Barf me a river. Yet another drop in an unfathomable bucket of post-streaming unwatchable garbage.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
Greatest Film of All Time...
...that you can watch for free on YouTube. It's based on a true story.
The Colony (2013)
Another Total Waste of Resources
I found this piece of crap searching for the Emma Watson film, Colonia, and decided to give it a try since it was included on Amazon Prime and I generally like Laurence Fishburne. I tried to get into it by mocking how bad it is, to enjoy it in the 'so bad it's good' sense, but it is so bad it's bad, not good. I still gave it two stars because, believe it or not, it is much better than some of the other (many) total pieces of crap that are included on Amazon Prime. The set design and wardrobe are probably the best aspects of it. The score blatantly rips off Maria and Autumn Leaves; the makeup department is desperately trying to justify its existence (and failing). Some of the scenes, in terms of the decisions the characters make, are so preposterous that I became angry while watching this film. It probably could've actually been good with a different writer and a different director. It's a shame that talented actors and production crews are having to settle for this kind of utter crap these days. Most of the movies included on Amazon Prime probably should never have been made.