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Absthelion
Reviews
Jurassic Domination (2022)
Bad bad, not even good bad.
This movie is so bad that I turned it off not even half way through. I like bad movies but this is so bad. Nothing makes me hate a movie more than when they use the exact same cgi scene over and over again. The EXACT same. The blood was the same colour as ketchup, it's like they didn't even try. Everyone walked or reacted really slowly. If you heard a dinosaur outside, would you leisurely get to your feet and saunter round to have a look?? Even on a small budget surely the actors could try a little harder... anyway. The storyline is not original, I don't know why I expected more tbh but give this one a miss.
Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)
Cowboys vs Dinosaurs!
I love rubbish Syfy movies, especially creature features! The good bits about this movie are that there are dinosaurs and horses in it. The bad bits about this movie is really just everything else. There was just nothing original about the plot, it's all been done before many times, and been done better. The dialogue is standard for these movies, cheesy, forced and sort of out of time with the responses. The CGI isn't too bad looks wise, but the movement is just horrible. The characters were so generic I didn't know who was who at some points. I gave it 4/10; worth a watch if you have very low expectations, I've definitely seen worse! However, if you're looking for a good cowboys vs dinosaurs movie then go watch Valley of the Gwangi.
Freshwater (2016)
Nope.
I love horror, creature feature, syfy, b movies and even really terrible acting with the most rubbish cgi... and I turned this movie off after 15 mins. The acting is standard terrible straight to dvd as expected. The storyline is typical syfy. The gator doesn't even look finished, nor does it always even look like a gator. The background music is repetitive, irritating and cuts out for the dialogue. It's so awful I can't even enjoy it for being bad. Nope, give it a miss and watch any of the other good croc movies. Lake Placid (all of them), Rogue, Crawl, Dinocroc vs Supergator, Alligator, Rampage etc.
Werewolves of the Third Reich (2017)
So bad.
This movie is so bad I had to turn it off. I don't know why I didn't check out IMDb before I started watching it.
The acting is awful, the dialogue is just utterly ridiculous and the story is non existent. Although it does gets a 10/10 for the cringe factor.
I've watched a fair chunk of this movie and not even seen a werewolf yet. I'm out. 1/10.
There's Someone Inside Your House (2021)
Typical teen slasher
This is a typical teen slasher movie, follows a predictable plot line. It was pretty gory but not ott. I recommend it for a lighthearted watch if you enjoyed Scream, I know what you did last summer etc.
Shark Night 3D (2011)
Shark Night
This movie is rubbish but I like it.
Typical American teens trying to party on a lake with zero self preservation and a complete absence of basic survival skills. Add in the local troublemakers and some sharks and what can go wrong?! It was bound to happen. It's not the best, but if you enjoy shark movies and SyFy channel movies give it a watch. Keep your expectations low.
Prey (2021)
Prey for me, I watched this so you don't have to.
I love a survival horror movie, I love a bad movie, I love a 'nothing' movie on Netflix to watch when I have a migraine... but lord prey for me this SUCKED.
This started off well, the story was your typical bachelor party hiking in the wilderness having a fun old time. Everything that happens next is super cliche but not unenjoyable. You can practically guess what happens to who and the complications within the group. Absolutely nothing original there. As the story unravels I really found myself thinking wtaf. Less than nothing happens for absolutely no reason. This movie is so much worse than the ritual and the new wrong turn and they were both equally terrible. That should tell you all you need to know.
Deep Murder (2019)
If I could rate this a zero I would.
I like bad movies, I enjoy ridiculous slasher movies but this was so awful I had to turn it off. If I could rate this a zero I would.
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
Well, that was disappointing.
First off, I love superhero movies. All universes. I loved the first Wonder Woman movie, I love a strong lead female character but this was not that. At all. The story line was okay, but they literally removed the badass out of Wonder Woman. Imo she was prancing around looking the part but not kicking ass. Yes I get that (SPOILER) she didn't have her full powers but even before / after that. Horrendous.
The one thing I did like about this movie was Barbara, she was pretty cool and relatable. Not sure what that says about me buuuut this is a movie review so whatever.
Fantasy Island (2020)
Creepy but fun movie
This was an enjoyable, fun and slightly creepy movie. I thought it was going to be scarier but it was okay. Kept me guessing and I liked the casting. Worth a watch if you're after something entertaining with action and a bit of creepiness.
Brightburn (2019)
Fizzle out
I kinda liked the premise of this movie buuut I just didn't like it. The characters are just plain stupid, they make stupid decisions and are generally irritating. Made me roll my eyes more than once.
Aliens (1986)
Game over man, game over!
This is THE BEST Alien / horror / sci fi movie of all time (imo). Ripley is a seriously bad ass leading lady, the effects are incredible (especially for the time made) and the score is brilliant. Bill Paxton provides some iconic quotes. If you're going to watch one Alien movie in the series make it this one. The rest just don't compare.
Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020)
Plenty of sharks, not that deep.
This was a good, fun shark movie. Shark effects were good, plenty of shark action too! Characters were a bit naff, storyline was BORING. Obviously not as good as Deep Blue Sea, but a million times better than Deep Blue Sea 2. If you like shark movies, give this one a watch.
The Dustwalker (2019)
Wasted Potential
The storyline had so much potential, the first ten mins of the movie threw you right into the story. Literally no small talk! However, it never really developed. Nothing really happened. I'm assuming a lot from the end of the movie because it explained NOTHING. Acting was okay, dialogue wasn't as cringy as a standard SyFy film. Don't waste your time, unless you want background noise while you sit and play on your phone. You'd be better off watching Cowboys & Aliens again.
Life of Pi (2012)
Brilliant movie.
This is my favourite book which is always dangerous to then watch as a movie. Ofc it differed in parts but I thought it was a really good adaptation of the book. The actors were fantastic, the effects really captured the atmosphere I created in my head while reading the book. Defo a must see if you like adventure / survival stories.
Contagion (2011)
Good, but terrifying.
This movie was good but mildly terrifying given the current Covid-19 pandemic! Defo worth a watch if you're in lockdown and want to freak yourself out.
Knives Out (2019)
A must watch!
If you like death on the Nile, murder on the orient express, death in paradise etc then watch this movie! I didn't really know what to expect but I thoroughly enjoyed it. If you can accept Daniel Craig's very strange accent for what it is then you'll (hopefully) enjoy this movie too!
Den of Thieves (2018)
Don't waste your time.
It felt like this film went on for hours and saved any of the good bits until literally the last 5 mins. None of the characters were particularly likeable, there was no real action or detective work.
Honestly, if you want bank heist movie watch one of the Oceans 11 / Oceans 12 or the Italian job etc. If you want an action movie, just watch anything except this.
I do not recommend watching this movie unless you can't sleep and need something bland to help you.
47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019)
Does what it says on the tin (title)
I love a shark movie. I liked the storyline, the acting was okay. Just what I imagine American high school girls to be like. The sharks were decent, they weren't monsters. Just sharks doing shark things. Although the scares were as expected, they still made me jump. I liked this one better than the previous 47m down. Although predictable, it was tense throughout. Imagine The Descent, but underwater and with sharks. Won't be everyone's cup of tea but I rate it highly as it's bang on my fave kind of Sunday night movie.
The Land That Time Forgot (2009)
It's time we forgot (this movie)
If I could have given this 0 stars, I would have. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE syfy movies. But I also adore Ray Harryhausen. This 'CGI' s**ts all over any stop motion genius. Lego Jurassic world looks more realistic. The story was horrendous. Please don't waste your time.
Also, AT LEAST LOOK LIKE YOU'RE THROWING A GRENADE NOT FEEDING THE BIRDS.
Mandy (2018)
Lumberjack revenge story?! Yes please...
Lumberjack revenge story?! Yes please... Oh wait. 60 mins into the movie and no reason for revenge. FML. I like cr*p movies. But srsly. Do yourself a favour and skip the first 50 mins. The action was good, gore was good. It's like someone took ghost rider & drive angry and tried to make a drugged up 'psychadelic' mashed up version. Like where even are they now? In the woods? In a quarry? In a frikken cave?! We spent most of the movie discussing why Nicholas Cage would put himself forward for this one. He's not even wearing a lumberjack shirt. ππΌππΌππΌ
Zombeavers (2014)
Zombeavers
Well, as soon as I saw Zombeavers advertised on another crappy DVD I had purchased I knew I HAD to watch it. The storyline is predictable, the same as most low budget mutated animal films, but these are MY FAVOURITE KIND OF MOVIES :-) Right from the off you can tell that the film isn't taking itself seriously, which is exactly how these sort of films should be made. The acting is okay-ish, not the worst I have seen by far! The dialogue is actually not that bad either, which makes a change! The effects are my absolute favourite part of this film, they are mainly puppets and they do not heavily rely on irritatingly bad CGI. There is nothing more annoying for me than a film with creature effects that look like a cartoon (Anaconda 3!!!!!), or over use of the same CGI scenes just flipped around (Megashark vs Giant Octopus), so this film took it back to the old school 'horrors'. I love monster movies, I love zombie movies and this really had the best of both worlds. Although I really didn't care for any of the characters because ofc they made stupid decisions, I really enjoyed watching how this film played out. Weirdly, i absolutely did NOT guess where this film was going! It is well worth a watch if you fancy a gory giggle :-) Enjoy!! x