erikwmark Reviews

Cannibal Ferox (1981)

Cannibalism doesn't exist

[7/10 · 14 November 2022]

The most hapless junkie wanders the streets of NYC to snappin' and poppin' space funk. From a midtown hospital to Soho in a gun-manned peopled walk-up. He's murdered and we move to the Amazon. Classic porn man R. Bolla's the cop.

Naïve do-gooders enter the heart of darkness to disprove the myth of cannibalism. Jeep breaks down and grub-eating creepers appear with bloody maws. Malaria does it's business on the back of a python. A panther chomps a monkey.

Perverted by the evil jungle, not unlike Aguirre or Fitzcarraldo, leads to rape and murder as colonial impulse, but oh nevermind. Cutting up turtles for fun and profit. Just a run of the mill coked-up sick white dude trying to get jewels by torturing and killing brown people. Cutting out eyeballs and whatnot.

Back in New York our torturer is revealed as the guy the junkie was looking for at the beginning. Not sure what that has to do with anything. Ooops, looks like they really are cannibals. The innocent tribesmen slice a dude open and eat up his insides. Tricked you! Karma, brother.

"Cannibalism doesn't exist," she says to herself from the watery cage as the Salvation Army band plays. Sing for the brother's heart, sing for the brother's sin. Fin.

Outer Range (2022– )

An exercise in imitation

[6/10 · 21 May 2022]

What would happen if David Lynch mailed in a weak copy of his previous work? It would still probably be more original than this. Starts off well, but as it goes on seems contrived, increasingly predictable, and without understanding what is authentically strange.

The Panther Squad (1984)

Clean Space Power!

[10/10 · 4 May 2022]

Kalidescope vision in the firing range. Journalists at the globalist space press conference write notes like their fingers are broken.

Clean Space are eco terrorists determined to stop the launch. Hubristic jerks mess everything up. A convoluted kidnapping.

Sybil Danning runs the merc squad tasked with taking out Clean Space, along with acting the gumshoe and beating up would be rapists.

It's a Latin American made up city. Yankee go home but she's Norwegian. The rest of the babes who are dressed like rock groupies arrive and promptly go swimming. Jack Taylor as always inebriated assistant.

Windsurfing hot bikini chicks distract the guards, then beat the others to a pulp. If you're guarding something and inappropriately dressed hot ladies come out of the jungle and want to make it, they probably have ulterior motives.

The villains all have speech impediments. Clean Space is being taken over by some weird cartel and or tinpot dictator, so apparently they were just naïve environmentalists and not bloodthirsty killers bent on world domination. Ah well.

Clean Space Power!

Conquest (1983)

Great soundtrack!

[7/10 · 15 January 2022]

Artful double exposures, the lens is smeared with vaseline. Are we in the right place? The magical bow bestowed by a long haired father with preposterous words, yes, probably we are. Nude chanting and hairy dog men. A battle that opens brains and hips; she's a wishbone. Slurp grey matter and an after-dinner smoke. Sanskrit tattoos and kisses for a bloody hawk.

A random passerby murdered for meat. A babe with painted skin is red with brains. The dog people have returned for a hazy synth genocide. The boy is kidnapped and the man with no friends sends the hawks after him. A dog person is strapped over a pit of lava - the smell is unappealing but the nude chanter tolerates no failure.

Writhing snake dreams, a magical bow, and a spiked merkin, conjures a new enemy. It's a killer porcupine with armaments like scratches on film and the boy is hit in surrender. The pus flows like a winding river. The ants gorge. Zombie swampmen interfere with the quest to heal the boiled boy. Beheaded on the pyre the man remembers he could not forget. Smearing the tallow on his face, he pledges vengeance.

Grandi cacciatori (1988)

Weird and confusing movie.

[4/10 · 12 January 2022]

There's a story behind this movie I'm sure, like why is it basically two movies, one with Kinski and one with Keitel, cause it makes no sense for the story and just makes it absurdly convoluted. I'd guess they had to replace Kinski and rewrote a bit to fit in a new hunter. There's also a ton of nature stock footage to bulk out the running time and some hastily tacked on animal rights stuff.

Paganini (1989)

A self indulgent sexy kaleidoscope

[6/10 · 11 January 2022]

Written and directed by incandescent maniac Klaus Kinski, Paganini is basically Kinski loping around like a werewolf ravaging teen girls to a violin soundtrack. The film was something of a passion project for Kinki - the only film he directed, perhaps understandably - and he felt a strong connection to Paganini and felt they shared many qualities.

There are quite a few scenes which linger interminably on Klaus Kinski's real life son, playing Paganini's son. His wife is played by Debora Caprioglio, who perhaps was really married to Kinki at some point, though I'm not sure. For more of her work I recommend the Tinto Brass film Paprika.

An interesting enough watch, though probably exclusively for Kinski fans. Much is added by knowing his background and exploits as the film is clearly commenting on his self-image as much as Paganini.

Murder by Decree (1979)

A Surpassing Holmes and Watson

[8/10 · 3 January 2022]

Murder by Decree is not an original Arthur Conan Doyle Holmes story, but it manages to capture the characters far better than many other more faithful reproductions. This is in large part due to the quality of acting; Christopher Plummer is a revelation as Holmes, and his performance had me searching for other movies I could watch him in.

James Mason is a well-known commodity to me from his Humbert Humbert in Kubrick's Lolita; his Watson is perhaps the best I've seen. He provides an audience stand-in and comic-relief, as is his role, but he balances that with grit and worldly battlefield wisdom; neither element of Watson's character is given short shrift. Too often Watson's either a buffoon or a peer, when he should encompass both elements while not being quite either.

The movie has a raft of other notable actors, but none stand out quite so much as Donald Sutherland's utterly bizarre mystic, Robert Lees, who assists in the case. The case in question is a rather bizarre and convoluted tale of Jack the Ripper, which provides for a spooky setting in the back alleys of Victorian London and bawdy talk with various prostitutes, along with a few interesting twists.

All in all, Murder by Decree is the most engaging and enjoyable movie I've seen in a while, and the best Holmes story in memory. It seems to be a somewhat forgotten film and the main reason I decided to write it up is to encourage others to try it out. It's well worth the time.

An Inspector Calls (2015 TV Movie)

Entertaining but way over the top

[6/10 · 1 October 2021]

Interesting enough story while being absurdly implausible and heavy handed.

Free Guy (2021)

Promising idea

[5/10 · 29 September 2021]

But about half way through it totally runs out of steam and becomes a totally conventional movie that does absolutely nothing original. Quite disappointing really as the setting and set-up promises something different.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

Better than your average Bond film

[7/10 · 24 September 2021]

Some good action, surprising drama, and Lazenby has a nice physicality for the part. It's a shame he didn't have more opportunities.

End of Days (1999)

Miscast Arnie is musclebound flaw

[4/10 · 30 August 2021]

Whoo-boy is this one a turkey, most notably in the painful miscasting of Ahnuld in a role designed for a Keannu-type brooder. Byrne is okay as Satan, but you'd think Satan would be a bit more more charming/clever. A few cheap jump scares, some unneeded T&A, and cheesy effects round it out.

Broken Arrow (1996)

A bad sequel to Pump Up The Volume

[4/10 · 25 August 2021]

This is a very bad movie that takes the mysterious radio DJ Happy Harry and decides in the future he will be a space pilot. I think this is very unlikely and not in his nature. Also his girlfriend has amnesia and becomes a Park Ranger. This is also quite far-fetched.

The Driller Killer (1979)

great setting, so so film

[5/10 · 11 July 2021]

If you're interested in downtown New York in the late 70s early 80s, it's pretty cool, otherwise it's dull and doesn't have the gore or exploitation to really put it over the top.

The Package (1989)

Average in every way

[6/10 · 27 March 2021]

Mostly nonsensical thriller offers a thoroughly mediocre viewing experience, but with a solid cast and setting.

Star Trek: The Mark of Gideon (1969) Season 3, Episode 16

interesting

[7/10 · 27 October 2020]

I thought this episode was a lot more interesting than a lot of the season 3 rubbish. Cool set up, interesting idea, if it's not totally plausible or fully developed. Anyway, better than a lot of the surrounding stuff!

Runaway (1984)

A promising start

[5/10 · 12 October 2020]

Descends into ludicrous absurdity and sloppiness. Gene's solidly villainous. Tom's Tom.

Steel and Lace (1990)

She's a lovely piano player

[2/10 · 9 October 2020]

Jury trial: flashback to a dumpster. Brother makes robots and is angry at the acquittal, a righteous villain in the making. Guilty party winks as he walks out of court, pops champagne in the limo. Sister suicides.

Some incomprehensible real estate grift and a broken down car. Unaccountably suicide sister lives and has a drill in her chest. Moment of silence for the dear departed.

Agent Spoon is a secret sister. Number two goes down by decapitation. Sister returns home to brother's workshop where he removes her scalp to reveal the mechanisms underneath. Brother's sadism does not compute. Siblings drift.

Number three gets caught in the act and his vital essences drained. Number four was an accident, proper number four helicopter decapitation. Wipe the blood from your face pretty sister. You are not made for killing. But you were.

Cyborg (1989)

Another Pyun classic

[4/10 · 21 August 2020]

Fallout crucifixions and babes with feathered hair leaping through breakaway windows. With eyes like moons, she high-kicks rubble.

A surf punk in chain mail has eyes made of diamonds. A hair metal singer is swollen with Human Growth Hormone. Crucifixions on the Bowery and a shogun in Atlanta silently rappelling. Knees flexing minutely, pirate outcasts lightly bob in celebration.

Like Corona, a plague is coming. Books and wedding ornaments burn on the skinjob pyre. I like this world. I like this misery. I like this hell.

The Twilight Zone: To Serve Man (1962) Season 3, Episode 24

Not great if you've read the story

[5/10 · 19 August 2020]

The short story this is based on is more interesting and handle the reveal more naturally.

Boiling Point (1990)

Very funny and very weird

[8/10 · 15 August 2020]

Elements of it reminded me of David Lynch but much more comic. Also a quite casually paced film with Kitanos trademark bursts of random violence

The Quest (1996)

JCVD's Bloodsport remake

[2/10 · 4 August 2020]

Present day: Old Van Damme beats up young thugs. "How'd you learn to fight like that mister?" Flashback: Tibetan monks deliver a scroll to a put-up-yer-dukes type with a handlebar moustache and newsboy cap. Van Damme in clown face on stilts juggles bowling pins and runs a rag-tag group of orphan thieves, see. Billy gets shot, sending JCVD on the lam. Shamus the Irish cop appears. Stowaway on ship in Vietnam. Roger Moore provides rescue in old timey pirate battle. Twist: white slavery, Nazis!

Replicant (2001)

Ringo Lam directs clone JCVDs

[4/10 · 4 August 2020]

Bloody lady in a loft, JCVD kicks her in the face. "You're a bad mother," he says. Lights a 20-dollar bill on fire with a Zippo which he then uses to ignite the woman, whom he has doused in alcohol. He takes a swig of said alcohol. Hands like stigmata. We'll make a new baby. This time of you.

Street Fighter (1994)

RIP Raoul Julia

[3/10 · 4 August 2020]

I spent many hours playing this video game in high-school, and while I was never the skilled button-masher of many of my peers, I found solace in Blanca's easy moves and standard attack patterns and could take out just about any other character save Chun Li, who was somehow impervious to my electrocution attack. Fun Fact: Raoul Julia (M. Bison) was eviscerated by cancer and died during filming.

Universal Soldier (1992)

JCVD in 'Nam.

[6/10 · 4 August 2020]

But he's Belgian, like Hercule Poirot. Dolph is there too, but he's Swedish. Like Kurtz, Dolph appreciates trophies of the dead. Roland Emmerich's Hollywood debut. EXTERMINATE THE BRUTES.

Nowhere to Run (1993)

Have to think JCVD was miscast here

[5/10 · 4 August 2020]

A prison transport bus rarely gets where it's going. It is often undone by a charade of fast cars and loose women. A desert sunset and a buried friend. She sees a daddy in those gruff eyes. He can repair a bike and roundhouse kick a real-estate developer. A younger Culkin sketches his ennui.