Change Your Image
siereveld21
Reviews
Open Water (2003)
Let me save you $9. Spoilers ahead.
This was most likely the single most pointless movie I have ever seen. I was bored to tears by the 15 minute mark. The single nude scene was the high point of this movie and well, let's face it, the scene was completely unnecessary in the movie. So the movie opens with a scene of Daniel packing the car for vacation. Masterful cinematography captures this exciting event from about 10,000,000 different camera angles. Now we're on the trolley!!
From here the couple leaves for the island. We get to see their plane trip overlaid with the absolutely terrible soundtrack (not that I can't appreciate foreign music but let's put just a little effort in). I felt like I was watching someone's vacation footage. Cut to the hotel and nude scene. Of course the nude scene was also ruined by the fact that the girl is obviously in the clutches of PMS for the entire movie.
Finally we're at least on the boat to go scuba diving. About 5 boring minutes later some jackhole realizes he has forgotten his diving mask. He reminded me of the brother in Everybody Loves Raymond for some reason but I really need to thank him for being the instrument by which the error that leaves these dimwits behind is made. Maybe a swift kick in the head would do. So now we see everyone having fun scuba diving by being shown rehashed video from every ocean documentary I've ever seen. Oh yeah, some random girl couldn't make the dive which leads to Ray's brother borrowing her mask which leads to a miscount when people return to the boat.
The boat leaves. The couple surfaces. No boat. Terrifying? You bet your life. So after about 5 minutes of not seeing the boat they pretty much resign themselves to the fact that they are going to die. Are they? Maybe around the 75 minute mark but not before we have to watch the next 45 minutes. They decide that since they can't swim back to a boat (why not? They're idiots, that's why) they will just drift with the current for the next several days. They are stung by some jellyfish and sharks circle them at some point. Then they get in a fight about whose fault this misadventure is. The crazy girl of course blames the man citing that she wanted to go skiing. I wish they had.
Cutting out the rest of the unnecessary boredom let's skip to the end. The man is bitten by a shark (Where's Richard Dreyfuss when you need him?) and dies a few hours later. The boat crew realizes what has happened and organizes a search party. They're on the way to find these fools when the girl decides to drown herself. Exciting? No. Pointless? Yes. Do I want my money back? Of course. So Lion's Gate continues their wonderful track record of making the worst and most boring movies on the planet. 1/10. Acting sucks, plot sucks, soundtrack really sucks, and Lion's Gate sucks.
Drainiac! (2000)
Hilarious b-movie fun!
Wow! This had to be one of the most fun b-movies that I've seen in a while. Terrible acting between completely dysfunctional characters, super cheesy special effects, boom mike shots, and a final showdown with what looked like re-used footage from Krull. The soundtrack did not match with the actors mouths in MANY places making it even more hilarious when they delivered the horrible lines in the script. It had it all though, from the excessive use of slow motion, a man having his genitals ripped off by a rubber tentacle, to a toy car sinking in the mud where a real car had been. This is a must rent for a bad movie night or if you are like me and enjoy movies made with my weekend beer budget. Two thumbs up for this one.