lordnemos Reviews

Priest (2011)

Like Equilibrium meets Mutant Chronicles minus the depression

[7/10 · 15 May 2011]

Don't get me wrong I'm not going to gush about how great this film was, but to be fair it didn't insult my intelligence either and that's a big plus for me when it comes to films these days. I purposely avoided reading any literature in relation to the "story" of Priest to avoid any bias or pointless expectations.

I wanted to judge it based on what was told in the film alone and honestly I have no complaints as far as the story development went, it was pretty straight forward with the plot, the characters were put into position early on, no dicking about with badly handled sub-plots and phony intrigue. I wouldn't consider this to be a pretentious movie in any way, it's says what it's about from the beginning and it doesn't deviate from that narrative, it doesn't bring in (or keep) useless characters, (unlike "Sucker Punch"), it's a gateway movie but it doesn't treat it's support characters like balsa wood cut-outs (i.e "Thor")

Sure there could have been more action but what action there was, was nicely done, visuals weren't eye popping gorgeous but suited the film none-the-less. This was a lean movie, no needless fluff no overly complex ungainly plot just a "wham bam thank you ma'am" type deal.

This is one of the rare times I'm looking forward to a sequel.

Spartacus (2010–2013)

Spartacus: boobs and red sand

[5/10 · 15 August 2010]

I'm sure that humor wasn't the entire intention of this series but it was just so laughable.

Lines like "the gods spread wide the cheeks and cock in ass" stole a genuine laugh out of me but for the most part this show spiraled slowly to nowhere. The characters so one-dimensional I saw how all the major plot pieces were to unfold by the 4th episode. They make a weak effort of subterfuge but you can tell who hates who and who's not going to make it to the end. Sadly this show lacks surprises. Gratuitous sex scenes and blood, though well filmed, get old. It's like "ooh let's shock and awe them with dry humping and blood fountains!!" was the main plot synopsis and the characters were just Spackle and bric-a-brac. Lucy Lawless' character's legs up by that dude's head (in one of her few dry hump scenes) was hilarious. For a better series in that era watch "Rome", for a better gladiator flick watch "Gladiator", for nice use of slow motion fight scenes watch "300", not sure if the producers were aiming at any or all of these but somehow got lost along the way. This series is the equivalent of pop corn, fun for a snack, gets sickening if you eat too much and is not a very good substitute for a good meal. Lets see if they can pick their own guts up and improve during season 2.

The Karate Kid (2010)

Kung-fu Kid

[4/10 · 2 August 2010]

First, it should be a crime to mis-title a movie. Second, I'm not sure how the makers of this film can be so culturally dim. Stereotypical black youth goes to (sorry dragged off to) china, odd interactions with locals, insults to locals and their culture, artificial humor, pointless obstacle overcame, lack luster finale. It's like the writers and producers said "well there's kicking and punching right?, the clueless audience won't know the difference, it's all gooks flying around in pajamas right? snort"

What does this film have to do with karate? why would Chinese in china practice it? (not in this film mind you) if you are going to cash in on a memorable movie franchise at least have a clue to the significance of the title.

To illustrate how this movie is at best mildly insulting to Chinese. Imagine:

a Hitler movie where Hitler is played by Morgan Freeman (and changed nothing else). George Washington is Played by Donnie Yen. John F Kennedy is played by Mickey Rourke.

This isn't because he is black, it's because karate isn't even vaguely Chinese. It's not a simple case of poor casting choices, it shows a blatant disrespect to the story. At best some folks might laugh their asses off at the absurdity, at worst they'd burn down the theater.

Seems the plot holes existed on their own and the studio just built a film around them. Who inspired his mom to go to china? Micheal Moore? things so bad in USA she has to work in China?!?! You think it's tough being black in America, try being black in China, a clueless black at that. No uniform. No clue. Two dimensional support characters. One dimensional "villain?" (got me on this folks)

Sigh, don't waste your money.

Cast this kid in a "Boondocks" movie as "Riley", he already passes the walking stereotype test.

The Hurt Locker (2008)

A mobius strip of a movie

[3/10 · 14 March 2010]

Started from nothing and went to nowhere, slow. I'm not going to harp on the obvious short comings of the military inaccuracies of this picture. Not even going to comment so much on the "jerky cam" style, cause it kinda worked for this film to a point. What I am going to ask though is, did the crew forget to check the budget on this thing? the film was starting to go somewhere took an odd turn and then well just stopped. Well to be fair it petered then stopped. It's like the director said "we're out of money people let's wrap this up lets go, lets go!" Guy likes his job so much (or he hates civilian life so much) he'll ditch his wife and child to... diffuse bombs? really?, I mean some scenes were kinda funny but this film just copped out in the end.

It got an award? I guess quitters do win sometimes.

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

To be expected of Hollywood

[3/10 · 14 March 2010]

I avoided the books to see if I could enjoy the film the way the director and screen writer wanted to tell it and... well... I guess somebody got what they paid for, just wasn't me. With a jerky plot and oscillating character behavior this movie was like a broken roller-coaster ride (meant to be thrilling but instead is nauseating). Nice visuals for the most part but it seems the crew hoped that's all the viewer wants, not wanted to be bothered with story coherency and crap like that. Its a shame that half of the people going to view this film even know it's existence because of the book and the other half because of the cast, hopefully the latter half is happy.

Make this a rental. Once.