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The Legend of Vox Machina (2022)
Generic, boring, stupid
Can't even think of anything else to write about it - it's just stupid and boring. Writing was most likely done by a 12y.o. Dumb kid, and all the jokes were stolen from his even dumber slightly older brother. All of that was forcefully inserted up the rectum of a generic fantasy plot, and then dressed in a colorful generic anime suit.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
Matrix: Regurgitations
I expected it to be a cash grab, but I did not expect it to be the laziest cashgrab to ever exist...
Basically the entire plot is spoiled by the movie trailer, while everything else is a filler created while high on memberberries... Feels like a fanfic created by intoxicated college dropouts, rather than a semi-kinda-passable low-budget sequel that everyone hoped for.
Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)
Enough reboots on life support!!!
I'll try to be short with this review, because my negative feelings might force me to write a lengthy 10 page rant...
Almost 60% of the film duration are flashbacks and references to the original trilogy, which I was unfortunate enough to re-visit less than a week prior to The Force Awakens release.
Screenplay is so ridiculous and erratic, you start to ignore it after the first 10 minutes of the movie.
There is absolutely no premise. We only get a short briefing on political events at the starting captions, yet there is no explanation as to what happened to our former main heroes in the past 30 or whatever years. The rest, including the unveil of all family relationships, feels and makes as much sense as a Bollywood movie from 80s.
Too many ideas and character prototypes were reused: there is way too much resemblance between Rey and Anakin, Kylo and older Anakin, Luke and Obi-Wan, etc. etc. etc. References to all previous movies only make things worse.
Plot holes were already mentioned, so I'll skip details on this.
Overall, it feels like watching Family Guy: The Blue Harvest, while all jokes are flying over your head.
Verdict: 3/10 {Gimmemymoneyback!}
Forever (2014)
Generic and repetitive
As usual - misleading ads and generic cookbook scenarios.
If you like mainstream shows like CSI, NCIS and other, you might enjoy this one: "Enhance, Zoom-in.... Catch that SoB"
Catchy storyline with an immortal doctor is there for no reason at all. Every episode is just another crime scene investigation completely independent of all others. Immortality and main character origins appear randomly in a few episodes as a series of flashbacks. Considering that it is almost never related to the main story(except the Jazz band episode), I would assume that it is intentionally added to justify all runtime fillers.
Series is filled with dumb things, like a medical examiner opening a dead body with garden shears and hunting knives, using ridiculous references without even consulting Wikipedia etc.
In my personal opinion this show is horrible, but knowing quite a few people who actually enjoy watching this crap forces me to give it 4/10.
Chappie (2015)
Simply put - it is beautifully stupid
I believe this movie only solidifies my concrete statement that 21st century is an age of pointless cinema.
Most of the plot in Chappie either fails to follow common human logic, or completely breaks it. This is a modern trend of over- dramatizing the events by making "shit happen" in the literal meaning of this phrase.
It all starts in a not-too distant future with an international corporation, based in SAR, which solved the problem of rising crime wave by introducing almost all-robotic police force.
Then few things just happen:
- The lead researcher makes a breakthrough in AI development and asks company CEO to give him a broken robot for experiments. She "politely" refuses and desperate doc risks his impressive paycheck and reputation by stealing this piece of junk off the scrapyard.
- The rival former-military engineer fails to sell his combat machine (which for some reason looks like robot-chicken from robocop) and after another budget cut risks his not-so-impressive paycheck, but more solid reputation as pioneer in neural interfaces, to sabotage the whole "scout" operation and start a nationwide crime spree
- A local gang with looks of early 90s inspired cyberpunk movies get into conflict situation with another dude. In order to solve this problem they need to find 20.000.000 moneys, so the only logical solution is to find a robot-maker and get a hypothetical OFF-switch, so it will be easier to do whatever crimes they've planned with their pumpkin heads.
They bust the doctor, while he was driving a van with a stolen robot. After successful installation of new software they get a semi-intelligent gansta-ninja robot filled with curiosity, deep understanding of neural interfaces and human consciousness, but lacking the basic knowledge of trauma, pain and death (even with internet connection).
The end result: all robots are broken, everyone is dead. After lots of shooting and the final boss battle Chappie revives the doctor and his mama as robots. Credits start rolling, so are my strained eyes...
Gave it 3/10 for visuals. Everything else sucks. All the aspects of the movie that fans claim to be unique and innovative have been meticulously copied from many other(even recent) sci-fi titles with no sign of shame or remorse.
Arrow (2012)
It's a Manbearpig!
This show started off as a semi-decent spin off on Batman, yet in a matter of dozen episodes became the dullest and blandest show on television.
Almost every episode brings a sad feeling of deja-vu: all characters, stories and "unexpected" turns of events were done and re-done at least hundred times in other places.
Character development is non-existent. The whole thing rolls around the same dilemma of being a vigilante and dealing with personal problems, like PTSD(?), intimate relationships and continuous psychological breakdowns(e.g. "whining").
Acting is awful. So as script, actor selection, or even general direction in which show is going.
Season 3 is the final nail in the coffin. I'm not even gonna rant about it - that's how bad it is...
Oliver Queen - you failed this city. >>--->
The Strain (2014)
It really had potential until...
"The Strain" started off as a really promising show. I'm going to skip short plot or a summary, since it has been written many times and is available in show description, but I am going to focus my review on what producers got right or wrong.
Good things about this show: - Introduction and about 3-4 episodes of the 1st season were awesome. The vampire disease just started to spread and we slowly get to uncover, who's responsible for it and what is the purpose of infecting the entire city. - Very good team of actors. Most of them came from big movies, which you can't tell about screen writers. - Surprisingly good special effects. Some may not appreciate the looks of the elder vamp, but I think it was kinda cool
Bad stuff(and there is a lot of it): - Over the course of the first season this show changed direction several times, without really making sense or even finishing either thought. First we have a vampire disease and conspiracy, then we have Setrakian and Nazis, and right away we get introduced to hunter-vampires which can walk in broad daylight and kill others like them for reasons unknown.
- Character selection and development was probably done by a 5-year old. We have almost everything a bad movie(or a good comedy) should have: a Russian exTerminator who does not speak Russian, a doctor, who'd rather kill a guy with a nail-gun than try to confine and examine him, very hot hacker-chick who babbles too much pseudo-technical nonsense (someone forgot it's not early 90's anymore), and of course the biggest of them all: Jewish-Armenian Pollack (don't know how that works), who immigrated to US after WW2 to open a pawnshop and hunt down a vampire or two, while searching for his nemesis - the elder dude, which doesn't make sense due to the fact that over the past 60 years he was still in Poland hibernating.
- Screen writing and dialogs are horrible. As much as team behind curtains tried to pack the most into screen time they had: these brief dialogs did not really improve the story. Almost half of "family time" scenes or even entire episodes could've been eliminated, because all these characters are already as transparent as it gets.
300: Rise of an Empire (2014)
2 stars for boobs, the rest is worthless
While IMDb largely disappoints me with its present bloated movie ratings, users never lie. So please, read at least some reviews before you decide to watch it!
This was a really boring day and I've watched just about every crappy movie you could possible imagine. To have an objective view of this foul creation I deliberately decided NOT to refresh my memories with the original 300 in order to judge this movie for what it is and not for what it could or should have been.
Brief overview of the plot: A long-long time ago Persian king Darius I decides to invade Athens. While his forces exceeded those of Greeks, his invasion was stopped at the bay by a young and brave simple soldier Themistocles(who was 45 at the time and was actually general and an Athenian politician). Somehow he managed to shoot king Darius in the heart from half a mile during the storm, who later died in his bed telling his(only?) son Xerxes that he should not invade Greeks ever again. Xerxes, seduced by words of vengeance from Artemisia, decides to get high on mushrooms or whatever and go into the desert to seek enlightenment. There he finds a hermit cave with a magical pool, which transforms him from Prince of Persia into a giant Paris Hilton on testosterone, HGH and creatine. He pronounces himself a god-king and starts his victorious conquest.
Slash-slash-slash-blood-slash-blood-whoosh-whoosh-slash- lotsofslowmo-blood-slash-blood The second half of the movie is all talk, 99% of which does not stick to the brain, which gets me straight to the last part: Arthemisia gets bitch-slapped by Xerxes, while Xerxes gets bitched-up by Arthemisia.
Slash-slash-slash-blood-slash-blood-whoosh-whoosh-slash- lotsofslowmo-blood-slash-blood-...
WTF? is that a giant steel battleship with huge flamethrowers?
Slash-slash-slash-blood-slash-blood-whoosh-whoosh-slash- lotsofslowmo-blood-slash-blood-... Arthemisia gets killed, the war is over.
Credits rolling to the sweet, but definitely misplaced, sound of War Pigs.
Positive things about 300: Rise of an Empire:
- BOOBS!!!
Negative things about ROAE:
- Broken plot
- Weak actor performance
- Too much cartoony blood
- Excessive amounts of slo-mo sequences and pointless dialogues
- Complete perversion of history (neither main character on either side actually died during this battle)
- Where is Alexander the Great?
- Not enough BOOBS!!!
Noah (2014)
Yawn....
This is the first movie that made me question the reliability of IMDb ratings. Usually if something has a rating of over 7.5 - it is good. 6 or above - it is mediocre, but still watchable.
With this movie I've missed my expectations by thousand miles!
It is boring right off the start. The plot is completely broken and inconsistent, regardless of whether it is based on Biblical story or is purely fictional creation. Things start to happen with no reason and no explanations at all. Sloppy action scenes are unable to compensate for "formal" presence of story line.
Acting is horrible. Russel Crowe should definitely retire after this one. Anthony Hopkins?..
While movie trailers falsely promised cool special effects mixed with mystery and drama, all we get is another "10,000 BC".
Bottom line: this movie does not deserve your attention. Even less so - your money or positive feedback.