MaximumCheese Reviews

Begin Again (II) (2013)

Serviceable story, technically decent, but falls short

[4/10 · 2 February 2015]

I really tried to like this movie. It had all of the elements of success: a great cast, excellent production, and a solid premise.

However, it just couldn't win me over and ultimately fell flat.

The biggest beef I had with the movie, and admittedly this is a very subjective matter, is that if you're going to make a movie like this, the music must at least be good. I don't consider myself to be a music elitist; I can appreciate most forms of music. However, the music (presumably) written for the movie is bland and quickly forgettable. I'm not sure what scene the music is trying to appeal to, but it seems to me like all of it was written by committee, being as generic and inoffensive as possible, all the while having no real melody.

The story also suffered from poor writing in several spots. Plot contrivances abound, and the end of the movie is equally puzzling and underwhelming.

Ripe (1996)

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

[1/10 · 13 June 2009]

There are so many things wrong with this movie I don't even know where to begin. The story is not cohesive AT ALL. I guarantee that five minutes into the movie the average viewer will be scratching his/her head in confusion.

Here's what I remember of the movie before I was bored into unconsciousness: A quasi-abusive dad chases some pre-teen sisters through a house but turns out to be not that abusive after all. In the next scene, the girls are about 15. They're driving with their parents and hit a deer. The deer must have been explosive because their car blows up, one sister drags the other from the burning wreckage. Then, the girls are drifting in a boat on a lake and make a huge plan to go to Kentucky (??) and start a new life. In the very next scene, the girls are hitchhiking toward a military base. And what a military base it is. Actually, it's more like a hog farm converted to look like a military base with plenty of confused extras playing "soldiers." The base commander's office is particularly awesome because there are random things like an AK-47 hanging on the wall and a drill sergeant hat mounted to a plaque (????) so the audience is sure to know that this is a military guy's office. Then some random dude pushing a motorcycle shows up and the base commander orders him to go "into town" to buy some porn mags, and to make sure the soldiers don't think that he's on the "pink team." So our character takes a pickup converted to look like an army truck "to town" and loads up a box from a nondescript "book store" with a blowup doll by the front door. The girls hide in the guy's truck when he stops to gas up, and look through the porn stash to find items inside like the "anal invader." I guess that's enough of the plot to scare most people away. Plot aside, the sound quality is terrible and the movie is full of cheesy attempts at symbolism, like a radio preacher talking about forbidden fruit during the scene where the "slutty" sister meets the main character for the first time, or how the camera lingers way too long on certain shots to try to convey a "message".

If you ever see this for sale or rent or whatever, stay away. It's not worth the money in either case.

Porky's (1981)

An unfunny waste of time...

[1/10 · 24 July 2008]

I decided to watch this movie with much higher expectations. After all, it's routinely spoken of by so many as the prototype teen/college movie, so I figured it would be several times better than today's movies of the same persuasion.

I was wrong. The movie seemed to get off to a good start, but quickly lost steam and became nearly unwatchable due to the low quality of the filming. Twenty minutes into the movie, I wanted to turn it off. The hallmark of a classic movie is that it still holds its appeal 20, 30, or 40 years after it was made. Porky's is not a classic. From a cinematic point of view, the character development is horrible by today's standards. Also, he movie is made like it's the first movie ever to contain female breasts, which is extremely irritating.

The jokes are horribly outdated, even for 1982. They might be funny to the 50 and 60-somethings who appreciate crude misogyny, racism, and fart jokes, but to me, they were just pathetic and heavy-handed.

For whatever reason, this movie seems to enjoy copious play on cable, bur I think it's best to just retire this over-rated suck-fest to the trash can.

Superbad (2007)

Best teen movie I've seen.... ever?

[10/10 · 9 September 2007]

Superbad is destined to become a classic. Although, as other reviewers have said, it is a "loser trying to get laid" movie, it is a lot smarter and a lot deeper. Instead of the "losers" being unrealistically good-looking (as with all "losers" in movies), you have Seth and Evan, whose plights are a lot more believable. You have Seth, who is slightly overweight, sports a jewfro, and has a penchant for drawing penises, and Evan, who is the all-around socially awkward nerd. Fogell, an incredibly awkward dweeb with a squeaky voice and tendency to act like a "gangsta", is the duo's sidekick. Together these three spin a wild tale of life in high school, driven by choice funk and classic rock tunes. Seth's character carries the movie, with a loud mouth and an almost poetic ability with insults. One of my favorite moments of the movie was when Seth confronted Fogell about his fake ID which only had one name: "McLovin." All in all, I'm very impressed with how a generic and ancient cinematic concept can have such a new and refreshing twist.

Teen Sorcery (1999 Video)

Haha

[5/10 · 20 August 2007]

This movie is just bad enough to make me stay away. I caught it on cable not too long ago, and was pulled in by the title. But the cheesy acting, blatant reuse of scenery, subplots that went nowhere, and painfully bad one-liners make this one bad movie that I'll probably not watch again. My first warning sign was that many of the crew members in the opening credits had Romanian names. I guess the budget was so tight that they had to fly all of the actors to a 3rd world Eastern European country to film. The movie takes place in the manufactured town of Pilgrimtown, MA. And how manufactured it is. Every sign in the town looks as if it were hastily made at a copy and print center and pasted over signs that were already there. AJ Cook's presence definitely lit up the screen. She doesn't deserve to be a B/C-list actress.

Fear of Clowns (2004 Video)

Entertaining, but....

[2/10 · 16 October 2006]

I saw this movie at the video store the other day and couldn't resist. The first five minutes of the movie do a great job of confusing the hell out of the viewer, which is an awesome start, but the editing nightmare is just beginning. The whole movie appears to be shot with a cheap camera with a "fisheye" lens effect. Also, the characters in the movie are so bafflingly stupid that one wishes for a shotgun with which to shoot the DVD. For example, there's a scene where the two protagonists are locked inside a room with the killer clown trying to break in. There is a fire extinguisher RIGHT BY the damn door, but what does the idiot boyfriend do? Picks up A MOP HANDLE! Yeah.... like a mop handle is going to be effective against a muscle-bound mental patient in clown make-up. Couple this with agonizingly bad acting, some of the worst camera work I've ever seen, completely fake reactions of the characters, and shoddy editing, and you have the masterpiece known as "Fear of Clowns."

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (1987)

Incredible

[10/10 · 24 September 2006]

I rated this movie not based on its quality, but its entertainment value. (Hey, that's how I rate all movies!) There are so many awesome points to this movie, I don't know where to begin.

There are ostentatious amounts of filler in this movie. Noticeably long filler. One of my favorites is what I've come to know as the "sock puppet cam," which is presumably a POV shot from one of the penis-shaped sock puppet monsters. Another great filler scene is the "van-driving" scene at the beginning of the movie. Not only do we get to see an 80s metal van driving for five minutes, we get treated to some horrible synth pop that consists of a guy talking over synth bass.

Eventually the van stops at a farmhouse, and we learn that this a trans-dimensional van that defies the laws of physics, because apparently they were carrying 9 people, instruments, luggage, and 80s metal clothing in a standard-sized van. Here we meet all of the main characters, which include a 300 pound beefcake named Jon Mikl Thor, a drummer whose fake British/Aussie accent is laughable (and later on we find out that this guy's American accent is just as bad as his British accent), and a slew of very ugly 80s girlfriends complete with gigantic hair. Thor proceeds to explain the reason they are there, as if the band were randomly driving around the Canadian countryside, having absolutely no idea where they were going or why.

The rehearsal scenes are pure gold, and so poorly dubbed that at times it appears as if the drummer is playing an entirely different song. Also, apparently getting into full 80s onslaught mode (with mirror-finished Blu Blockers, makeup, and glittery silver unbuttoned shirt) is paramount for a successful rehearsal. Thor's guitar player easily outdoes Jimi Hendrix, because most of the music has two or even three audible guitar parts, but this guy manages to pull it off with one (!) guitar, and often without even having his fingers on the right notes or strumming to the rhythm of the song.

The "killing" scenes are painful to watch. The special effects ranged from "horrendous" to "unwatchable". For whatever reason, NO ONE ran from any of the monsters, but I could understand that, because if some guy in a Halloween mask attacked me, I would stand there in questioning puzzlement as well.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There is way too much to explain here, so I recommend picking up a copy of the movie on DVD and experiencing it for yourself :-) Also, make sure to watch the DVD with the original audio, because the voices sound horrible and muffled in the 5.1 surround audio.

Also, check out the special features on the DVD. The mini-documentary is hilarious. Thor serious believes that he is a great film maker and that his music is great. The clip from the Merv Griffin show is priceless. Merv introduces Thor amid applause, and Thor runs out on stage in full Herculean gladiator garb, singing off key the whole way. The applause dies, and everyone gives Thor their "WTF" look, including the band. Also, the best quote from the documentary was (speaking of his sex scene) "Especially for a guy like me, with Thor's hammer, it all comes very natural." The interview ends like a train wreck, with poor Thor nervously rambling about his future projects and desperately trying to reinforce his illusion of self-importance.

If I haven't convinced you to see this movie yet

Black Dawn (1997)

Very unwatchable.

[2/10 · 8 January 2006]

As a fan of bad movies, I must say that this cheesy action movie wasn't that great. I think this movie's greatest downfall is that it tries to take itself seriously, which can make a pleasantly bad movie unwatchable (i.e. Omega Doom). I tend to notice horrible budget cuts, like firing a gun once, playing a stock "machine gun" sound bite, and using shaky camera work to try to cover up the fact that the gun only fires once. Also, why don't any of the guns in this movie have any recoil? Are they magic? Also, it quite bothered me how characters in the movie kept referring to a "sawed off" shotgun, although the shotgun in question was a standard 20" length. The ex stripper chick wasn't that attractive, and the main cop appeared to have the IQ of a piece of string. There was a tiny bit of nudity to redeem the movie, but I recommend picking up a better cheesy action movie, like Karate Kid or Con Air.

Double Trouble (I) (1992)

Behold the power of this movie

[10/10 · 20 June 2005]

I just acquired this movie on VHS after seeing bits and pieces of it on late night cable. This has to be one of the greatest movies ever. It combines all of the elements of awesomeness. The camaro, the outrageous mullets (there has to be some kind of irony there, they can't be under the impression that they're anything but a joke with haircuts like that), the cheesy music, the completely unrealistic guns, the hot early-90's chicks, a plot that's more broken than a Chinese motorcycle, the stereotypical "rich white guy" villain, angry black police lieutenant, washed up actors from Star Trek. If I could make two changes to this movie to make it perfect, I would remove the blatantly homoerotic weightlifting (those noises!!), and add some breasts. The acting is painfully cheesy, but that adds to the overall fun of the movie. The scene where the brothers fight is probably one of the greatest fight sequences of all time. I was doubled over with laughter and barely able to breathe due to the hilarity. WARNING: Everyone in this movie is a frustratingly bad shot. They may as well not even use guns, because no one ever hits anything unless it's at point-blank range. '

The Crow (1994)

This is without a doubt my favorite movie of all time

[24 July 2004]

This is the ultimate movie about vengeance from beyond the grave, good versus evil, wrongs made right, and the power of love conquering all. That last line may sound straight out of a chick flick, but this movie is anything but. This is one of the movies that influenced my way of thinking about the world when I was growing up and to this day has an unconscious effect on the way I deal with things in my everyday life. I am in no way into the "goth scene" that this movie has been attached to, but I believe that the music, the imagery, and the characters come together perfectly. The use of miniatures creates a haunting effect, and integrates flawlessly with everything else. Brandon Lee was the perfect man for the part. Rochelle Davis's performance as Sarah was superb, despite the fact that "The Crow" is the only movie she's ever been in. I can truthfully say that I haven't seen a better made movie in all of the years since "The Crow" came out in 1994. It has a special magic that I sorely miss in today's movies.

Alien: Resurrection (1997)

Lives up to the Alien series

[21 January 2004]

I just finished viewing Resurrection Special Edition from the quadrilogy boxed set. I have to say that I quite enjoyed this installment, maybe more so than "Aliens". The plot is great; it tends to be a bit cheesy at points, but those just lighten up the movie. There are a few unpredictable twists, and you discover more and more disturbing things as you watch. Ripley's character is as good as ever. A solid sequel in my opinion, way better than Alien3, which I found kind of boring and generic in plot.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Awesome, awesome, awesome!

[4 January 2004]

I have to admit, I was a little put off by the trailer for this movie. At first it looked like a cheap, commercially-oriented piece of garbage aimed at 12 year olds. I am glad I took the time to sit down and watch it, this is one of the best new movies I've seen in a while. Johnny Depp's character was quite likeable and the whole "high seas adventure" was played up very well. The first thing I thought when I saw that it was a pirate movie is "long, drawn out scenes of bad swashbuckling." Surprisingly, this movie isn't at all bad in that respect. The amount of action satisfies, yet respects the audience's intelligence.

The end is somewhat disappointing, as if Disney had to tack on a feel-good, although unrealistic ending.

Summer Rental (1985)

A true classic

[3 December 2003]

This movie is from a time that I sorely miss. It is about having a good time, and nothing else. There's no violence, no crude sexual comedy, just the legendary John Candy doing what he did best. Given, the music and clothing are extremely dated, but this is without a doubt the best feelgood lighthearted movie I've ever seen. All of the characters come together perfectly to tell us the tale of Jack Chester. One of the most memorable is Scully, the sailor/pirate. To this day, I see Scully whenever I see Rip Torn in any movie. This story just makes me feel good for days after I see it. John Candy is surely one of the best comics of the past 30 years, pulling this move together.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

It was OK

[21 October 2003]

This newest version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was OK. I don't believe that without the previous four movies that this would even be in theaters, though. The first thing I noticed that I didn't like about the movie was the camera technique. It seemed like the cameras were always in someone's face and not giving a wide enough view of the scene. This can sometimes create a disorienting effect which makes the movie hard to watch. Another thing was the scenery. The inside of the house looked too dirty, too inhuman, too dark. I would like to contrast this with the scenery of TCM3: Leatherface. The scenery in Leatherface looked realistic, like the set wasn't built just for a movie. The inside of the Sawyer's house in Leatherface was clean, but strewn with body parts, to make the scene surreal and spooky all at the same time. In Leatherface, there is a hero, which I think both the new and the original TCM's need. All throughout the movie I was waiting for the big black guy with the M-16 to make an appearance. Perhaps my biggest gripe with this movie is what all horror movies use way too much nowadays....cheap scares. You know, where the orchestra builds up and then something jumps out and is either harmless or chops the helpless victim's head off. This effect gets old after the fourth or fifth time.

All in all, it's a decent movie, but not destined to become one of my classics. "Leatherface" is where the series begins and ends with me.

The Brady Bunch in the White House (2002 TV Movie)

OMFG, this is the WORST piece of garbage I've ever seen!

[1/10 · 10 October 2003]

I hate this movie with an undying passion. It makes my blood boil. The actors are below sub-par, not to mention none of the original kids are cast, the editing is bad, and the production is all around cheesey. This movie is by FAR worse than Omega Doom or The English Patient. All that basically happens in this movie is Mike Brady becomes the president for being unrealistically honest, and the Bradys experience everything that happens in a "Joe Schmoe Becomes President" movie. Now keep in mind that I love the movies "Kickboxing Academy" and "Bio-Dome". That's how bad this movie is.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)

Awesome, awesome, awesome

[1 October 2003]

I picked up this little jewel at a flea market in Hickville, IL. Upon watching it, I immediately felt the old Star Trek nostalgia I remember so well from Star Treks III and IV. It is a great movie and lives up to the Star Trek legacy very well. It doesn't have the most action out of all the Star Trek movies, but it is very cerebral and someone who loves space lore will love this movie. Everything about the movie is great, from the special effects (which are stupendous for the time period) to the refitted Enterprise, which doesn't look straight out of an early 60's comic book.

Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)

EEWWWW!

[1/10 · 11 May 2003]

4.7 is way too high a score for this movie. I think it was the worst movie ever, massacring satires from the great kung-fu movies. I gave it a one, with no redeeming qualities, horribly crude humor, and a waste of my hard-earned $5.00.

Night of the Living Dead (1990)

I don't like purists

[11 May 2003]

I think this version of Night of the Living Dead is one of the greatest horror movies ever. The original has it's charm, but I think this version is superior in terms of directorial quality, editing, acting, and special effects. I think it is a great remake designed to appeal to a new generation and make use of new technology. I don't like how purists say just because the 1960's version was the first, that it was the best. I watched both of the movies in the same night, and I believe that the newer one is better. Which version of the movie aside, I think that Night of the Living Dead possesses a type of magic that is not found in any horror movie since. There need be no explanation of WHY the zombies are here, they are just HERE. This is one aspect that I don't like about Resident Evil. They strive too much to create a justifiable reason for the zombies to be there. Night of the Living Dead also uses traditional horror movie imagery to create the creepy environment. Also, this movie makes me WANT zombies to walk the earth, cause I have no shortage of ammo.

Agent Cody Banks (2003)

Lost that touch...

[22 March 2003]

Coming from someone like me, you'd think I'd actually like this movie just because it's so bad. This is not the case. This movie just doesn't seem to have the appeal of movies like Kickboxing Academy, Surf Ninjas, and Suburban Commando. I think I know why. First off, Frankie Muniz is a GIMP. He's a pimply little pipsqueak that my obese little brother could easily beat up. Hillary Duff looks like she's 25 instead of 15. These factors make the characters very unbelievable and the plot extremely dry. It has absolutely no entertainment value for anyone over 12.

Omega Doom (1996)

Worst movie ever...

[16 March 2003]

This is coming from someone who likes Kickboxing Academy. This is the most boring, cheesey, horrible movie I've ever had the misfortune of wasting my time watching. My buddy and I are watching it as I type this, and we appalled by how grotesquely bad it is. There are NO redeeming qualities to the movie whatsoever, and I find it hard to sit through. The only thing that keeps us from turning the TV off or changing the channel is that there is nothing else to do. This movie is just filler until we can watch George Lucas's first movie which is coming on later. All in all, don't even waste your time reading the tagline, it's not worth it.

Surf Ninjas (1993)

Surf's Up!

[16 March 2003]

I may be kind of biased toward movies like this, (ie Kickboxing Academy, Bio Dome) but I LOVE this movie. I judge a movie by the way it catches my attention and if I can sit through it and not be bored. This movie definitely meets those requirements. I could sit here and compare the quality of the acting to other movies, but I won't, because Surf Ninjas does exactly what it's supposed to, entertain and get a few lighthearted laughs. Some of my best childhood memories are connected with this movie, and I can still sit through the whole thing and be entertained. Of course, Rob Schneider rocked, if you find his quasi-annoying manner funny. All in all, I heavily recommend this movie to anyone who needs to be "emotionally moved" by a movie and just wants some good entertainment.

Kickboxing Academy (1997)

What a bad movie. Disturbing too.

[1/10 · 1 February 2003]

-Warning- ***May contain spoilers***(as if anyone cares)

Ok. What to say about this movie? I have watched through it a few times, and I just can't figure it out. I took it upon myself to do some research on the background of this movie. Literally, I kept thinking about how bad it was all the time. It was haunting my dreams. With some minimal digging, I found some very disturbing info on the movie. We'll get to that later. Let's look at all the things wrong with Kickboxing Academy.

First and foremost, the actors. In many instances, the actors can make or break the movie, and in this case, they broke it. If nothing about the movie were different except the quality of the acting, it could've been somewhat watchable, save the horrible editing conflicts and poor plot. By far the worst actor in the movie is the gimp who played Stan. What were they thinking? I think they selected the actors in the following manner: they walked around on the streets of Miami, found random people, and asked, "Hey, wanna be in a movie? There's free food in it for you!"

Let's look at the editing. I'm referring particularly to the scene at the end where Tarbeck's holding an M-4 assault rifle. It cuts to a scene of him from behind and he's holding a TEC-9!!! To make matters worse, it cuts again to a view of Tarbeck from the front, again holding the M-4. For the non-gun nuts out there, the M-4 is an assault rifle, and the TEC-9 is a submachine pistol. Two very different guns...

The fighting.... The scenes are badly choreographed, not to mention the movie has nothing to do with kickboxing. All of the fighting is basic Japanese karate, and for some reason Korean posters are pasted all around the academy. What the director forgot is that KICKBOXING IS FROM THAILAND! You would think that someone on the set would bring this up.

There are also numerous plot conflicts. In one part, Brian gets his brake hoses cut. The police would be all over that in a minute, yet Brian's car is wrecked and no one asks anyone follow up questions.

I dug up some dirt on the actors and the director. Apparently, the director, Richard Gabai, has directed his fair share of adult films. If that's not wierd enough for you, the two main actors in the movie, Christopher Lee and Chyler Leigh are brother and sister. This is quite odd since they are involved romantically. I could be wrong, but they really kissed multiple times. That's just disgusting.

There are only a few redeeming qualities of the movie: 1. Richard Gabai calling Stan a "fat dip." 2. It's so bad, it's hilarious. 3. Chyler Leigh isn't all that bad looking and she's probably the best actress in the movie. 4. The awesome Ford Galaxie

All in all, I recommend this very forgettable movie if you have 88 minutes to waste. Don't buy it unless you first watch it on cable, because you either like this movie because it's so revolting, or you think it's the worst piece of garbage and don't want to waste one more minute than necessary on it.

Bio-Dome (1996)

Bio Dome Rocks

[18 December 2002]

My friends and I love this movie. We have watched it hundreds of times and can never seem to get tired of it. I don't like how it was compared to "Brady Bunch in the White House". That movie is so grotesquely bad, that its in its own category, alongside "Kickboxing Academy". If you want a bad movie, check that one out.