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V/H/S (2012)
1/10
Hype and Immense Disappointment
8 September 2012
Really a massive disappointment. I had read over on a blog that this film would "restore my faith in horror films". I read all over the internet about just how great this film was. So I spent ten dollars to view it last night.

The found footage idea isn't wholly a terrible idea, the problem is that it just doesn't usually work. By usually, I mean ever. Horror as a genre has been falling apart at the seams for years, and the advent of "found- footage" certainly hasn't helped. In fact, it feels like it's making a mockery out of horror rather than restoring it to glory.

Enough about that. Regarding the film: The first problem we get here is that the writers/directors have two hours to piece together six cohesive stories. That's fine, but if that's the case, we need to only focus on the important stuff here. Half the time, you'll feel like you're watching some stranger's home movie collection. It's drab, it's boring, it doesn't serve to build suspense, it just drags. You see, when we only get twenty minutes with characters, we don't give a hoot about what they're like. All footage should serve the story, and it just doesn't here. So yes, a lot of the film dragged and a lot of the film was boring.

The second huge problem: the scary stuff. There isn't enough of it. There isn't enough that was supposed to be there in the first place, and most of what you get is just goofy. There were a few jump scares that weren't done all that effectively due to some of the worst camera work the world has ever seen. We understand that this is supposed to be amateur shot footage. That doesn't mean people film themselves walking around with friends while wildly waving their arms around like a complete lunatic. So when you aren't sure what you're looking at and your eyes are constantly struggling to adjust, the few jump scares that were put in the film no longer serve a purpose.

I'm not sure if my next complaint should be lodged against the actors or the writers. Maybe both? All of the characters, I mean ALL of the characters, are incredibly unlikable or plain bothersome. There's a character that basically just cackles through an entire story. There's a character that has no personality aside from leaving her mouth agape at all times. So yeah, the acting was pretty bad, but the writing was probably the worst part of the whole thing. One story in particular was such a joke on the writing front, we couldn't contain our laughter watching it. Not because it was supposed to be funny either.

So here we have six basically nonsensical and incomprehensible stories that lack direction, character, motivations or scares and we throw it all together to create one low-res pile of crap. We have scenes that make NO SENSE in regards to how it ended up on a VHS tape, uninspired concepts, terrible camera work, and just terrible writing.

Here is another Paranormal Activity: TONS of hype, great press and reviews, but underneath all of that is a really uniquely awful film. I'm serious; I thought it was really that bad. Uniquely awful in just how inept and uninspired it is.

Want a compilation horror film that tries to tackle a few sub-genres of horror? Try Trick-R-Treat. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was enjoyable and well written. V/H/S is something I hope dies and people forget about by Christmas. What an awful, awful film.
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10/10
Zombie Horror and Anime Combined With Wonderful Results
13 September 2010
Let's start by saying that this receives a 10 based on entertainment value. This is in no way a masterful piece of art, or a thought-provoking series. However, what it does, it does extremely well - violence, gore, keeping with what you expect from horror and anime (breasts, short skirts, profanity, etc).

The story is a very simple one to follow - it's the zombie apocalypse and a group of high school students and the school nurse are trying to survive. The characters are surprisingly deeper than you'd expect and the interactions are intriguing.

The show is completely over the top as you'd expect; chock-full of scantily clad young women, tons of f-bombs, an exorbitant amount of blood, dismemberment and did I mention a lot of fanservice and nearly naked animated girls? That much may be hard for some to take, but when you can look at this show as an over-the-top tribute to horror, mostly traditional zombies and anime targeted at young men, you can really enjoy it.

Let me go back to my mention of "mostly traditional" zombies - the zombies here are what Romero fans WANT to see. No running or smarts here; just slow walkers, flesh eaters and the undead. It's wonderful to see. There is one small twist in their zombie, but it's acceptable and helps with the pacing of the story.

If you're a fan of zombies, Romero or Horror and have never watched an anime series before, this is where to start. I would highly recommend this to horror fans that aren't into anime, anime fans that like zombies, or anyone into zombies for that matter.
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7/10
This Was Awful...I Had A Lot of Fun!
13 March 2010
This little film was able to capture something that many, many horror films haven't been able to capture since the late 80s/early 90s - it's so bad, it's good.

Nowadays in the horror genre, many aspiring young filmmakers make a conscious effort to make their film "so bad, it's good", but fail miserably. This film achieves this because it's genuine. The same reason so many campy horror films of the 80s were able to achieve this, they 1.) didn't take the film too seriously, and 2.) made a real effort to do their best without trying to make it so bad, it's good.

There are some just frightfully terrible scenes that will have you rolling, there's a fair amount of violence, the acting is atrocious, the script was just amazingly horrid. Put these together with a desire to make a decent "B" zombie film and you get magic.

It made me a bit nostalgic actually. If you're an old-school horror fanatic, you'll definitely find some entertainment value in this. Don't let your kids and teenagers watch terrible, pompous remakes of old Romero classics, let them see what we saw all those years ago - a genuine attempt to make a compelling zombie film that fails terribly due to a lack of money and talent in every category.

Seriously, this movie gets a 7/10 simply because it did what movies are initially intended to do - entertain.
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2/10
Garbage and Annoyance
15 January 2010
Warning: Spoilers
The best way to describe this pile of rubbish is with one simple word - annoying. The claims of actual archival footage mixed alongside the poor acting just left you with a headache. When there are four screens and two people saying the same lines and you know the whole time that both videos are fake, you just ask yourself, "why"? Bad acting, and the direction was way below even that of most Hollywood hacks nowadays. The claims of the film being based on actual events and the completely absurd and untrue statistics given by this movie should be enough to turn you off. Yet, they decided to put their fake real footage right next to the movie footage, side by side, both parts with audio, over and over and over. Oh yeah, you won't be seeing any aliens either, so don't hope for that. If you dare watch, be prepared to sigh and roll your eyes every time you see "actual footage", and trust me, it will happen A LOT. Terrible, terrible film - not just because of it's false claims, but because this is just annoyance after annoyance, with a very poor performance from the leading lady, shoddy direction, etc. Yikes.
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Necromentia (2009)
5/10
Potential That Falls Flat On It's Face
31 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Necromentia takes from the horror genre as a whole and nearly steals from the great mind of Barker. The film isn't without it's individual style or creativity, though; the art style and atmospheric sets were very effective in creating the mood. The plot definitely holds your attention as well.

The largest issue I found was that their time line simply did not work. There are basically three main characters whose fates ultimately intertwine throughout the film. In the often backwards form of storytelling here, two of the big events somehow happen 11 months apart and at the same time. Yeah, it didn't make sense. Perhaps the writers just forgot that they told you certain things happened 11 months prior to the opening scene, but things could not have happened the way they did in this movie. I won't get into it, because it will make your head hurt, but the way they laid the time line out just does not work.

I'm a huge Barker fan and I really think that Hellraiser has been the finest example of well- done horror since it's release. This certainly takes from that, but comes nowhere near.

The premise certainly is interesting, and the characters are interesting. A few of the characters in hell are just cliché and goofy - the gas mask guy standing out as a complete fail.

Bottom line is that this film actually had some potential, but poor acting, sloppy and forgetful writing and a few poor visual choices prevent this film from being a recommendation. Don't listen to the people telling you it's great, it's most definitely not.
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Tormented (I) (2009)
1/10
Absolute Rubbish
26 September 2009
Warning: Spoilers
After watching this pile of garbage, I really don't have it in me to write a lengthy review of this title. I did, however, feel it necessary to warn any would-be viewers. I'm a die hard slasher flick fan and have been since the early 80s. I've been a die hard horror fan for the same amount of time. Being a fan of 80s slasher flicks, I can certainly take a bit of humor with my horror. This movie fails on every conceivable aspect. The humor is ridiculous. Not only will you not laugh, you'll find yourself disgusted at just how plain stupid it is. I'll stay away from spoilers, but there are some scenes involving the antagonist that will leave you embarrassed for the cast and crew of this film. The kills range from intensely mediocre to terrifyingly boring and uninspired. The makeup and effects were equally as drab. The plot would work well enough for a slasher flick, but the big problem here is the slasher. Boring, uninspired, a bore to look and at times annoying. If the slasher isn't going to be top notch, at least give us some characters to take a liking to; yet we don't get that either. In short, embarrassingly bad humor, bad makeup and effects, terrible script, boring killer, drab characters, and stupidity all add up to bring you this one travesty of a "slasher" film. Aside from Clive Barker, I can't really think of any top notch horror from Britain and you can add slasher flicks to a list of their failed horror attempts.
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Sunshine (2007)
2/10
Good God This Was Awful
1 September 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Danny Boyle is a hack. There, I said it. 28 Days Later was horribly overrated and this film just proves that Boyle's success is a fluke. HORRIBLE sci-fi flick. I love me some science fiction, and this just nauseated me. The plot is interesting enough, but the characters are bland and uninteresting. The film moves slowly along for the first hour. I was completely uninterested. The film doesn't look bad, but when there's nothing going on, the background just seems to blend in with all of the other blandness the film offers. The last half hour is just a pathetic rip off of Event Horizon; a film that had potential to be outstanding, but fell short due to issues outside of people's control. Even Horizon still delivered and offered us a decent sci-fi/horror flick. This just takes from that and makes things a mess and ridiculous. I have NO idea why this film is rated as high as it is. I can only assume it has something to do with the fact that it's a Boyle film. Don't be fooled, however, this movie is terrible. TERRIBLE. In fact, it was so terrible, it convinced me to never watch another Boyle film again.
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9/10
Excellent
1 September 2009
This film was really a breath of fresh air from the load of Hollywood crap I've seen recently. The acting is superb and the characters are engaging and oddly endearing. There really isn't much to the story, it's simple and it works well. An easy film to just sit down and enjoy. The mood was fantastic and the sets really helped push the movie along and offered some nice visuals. The film obviously has aspects of horror, yet is geared a little more towards the humorous side of things. You won't be laughing out loud hysterically with this one, but you'll be smiling the whole way through. The humor works very well with the characters and the superb acting doesn't hurt. I really watched this movie based on the fact that Ron Perlman was in it. His role is a bit smaller than I expected, but it doesn't matter; the rest of the cast does more than enough to keep you engaged. If you like horror, watch this. If you like comedies, watch this. Just go ahead and watch this anyway, it's really quite excellent.
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Rise of the Dead (2007 Video)
1/10
Sweet Babies, This is Movie Is...
25 August 2009
Yeah, technology and the degradation of the arts have allowed films like this to be made. This reminds me of Guitar Hero in a very round-a-bout way. You see, when I worked at a musical instrument retailer, I'd get kids coming in that played Guitar Hero and instantly thought that would translate into actually playing guitar. They were so convinced that they would be awesome that they'd get their parents to spend thousands of dollars on equipment just so one day the world would be assaulted by talentless crap. Yeah, this movie reminds me of that. I think the directors and writers played a game called Cinema Hero and got a really high score once so they thought, "Man! We'd be awesome at making an actual movie!". Well, they were so very wrong. First of all, this could possibly have the most ridiculous plot in the history of plots. It's not inventive or fresh, yet it's not just a rehash of some other horror film. You see, no other filmmakers would actually agree to make a film if this were pitched to them. The continuity was just thrown out the window. The writers cared so little about what was going on that they actually forgot how many murders had happened in the movie in one scene. People magically change positions, hats magically appear and disappear. Yikes. The acting...well, I guess I shouldn't really call it acting. It's more like...well, I really don't know, but I hope I never have to see anything reminiscent of that again. The cinematography is choppy and even appears that the camera was cocked in some scenes. It's a bit disorienting and terribly unprofessional. The physical "stunts" are mainly done away from camera and literally look like they were done intentionally bad for laugh factor. Bottom line, the crew of the film obviously wrote reviews for their own crap here on IMDb. Yeah, it's cheap as hell and totally unprofessional...precisely like their "film". Really, no matter how much you like movies, just because you have one bad idea and a few grand, it doesn't mean you should make a film. Lesson learned.
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The Offerings (2009)
1/10
These People Need To Tell You That This Is A Remake
31 July 2009
This is a straight rip off the Asian horror film "The Maid" with a few minor differences and a whole lot more plot holes. The filmmakers here didn't even bother to acknowledge that fact. These people should really be sued. Do I really have to go through the motions to convince you that this isn't worth watching? Watch "The Maid"; even though that film wasn't great, it actually passed for a movie with real actors and a real crew. This is among the top worst films I have ever seen. Lazily slapped together, unapologetically stolen ideas, plot holes the size of a Buick. There's no redeeming quality here. I know we all like to watch bad horror movies now and again, but generally those supply some source of entertainment whether it be a cheap scare or a few laughs. This has neither. Sue these people.
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Skid Marks (2007)
1/10
Made For An IQ Less Than 80
21 June 2009
This movie truly seemed as if it were written by a pair of stoned fourteen year olds that just discovered softcore porn and boobs. To say that the humor was sophomoric is an understatement. There is no sign of intelligent life here; not that one would expect any. Yet slapstick humor serves a purpose and this title just falls short in every category. Nothing but crude and unfunny dirty jokes, sexually repressed writing and bad characters. The lead in this movie may just be the most unlikable character in recent comedy history. Somehow stalker tendencies turn into sweet nothings whispered into the ears of fourteen year old perverts in the middle of the most disturbing nocturnal emissions. Disgusting film with a ridiculous plot, pitiful and childish writing followed by terrible performances from actors portraying annoying characters. If you have any semblance of a brain, you'll do some good and stay the hell away from this garbage.
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5/10
Very Very Overrated
1 June 2009
Alright, I'm a horror fan. Not just a casual horror fan, but more of a horror fanatic. Not just your average fanatic, really a connoisseur of horror. I remember my first viewings of Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. That was nearly sixteen years ago for Army and even longer for the others. I was a fan, but in the genre of horror, I really didn't think those stood the test of time. Overrated films, but still light years away from that Hollywood crap and Hollywood remakes of classics and foreign masterpieces. Either way, I was both excited and apprehensive when it came to Drag Me To Hell. There are many things in horror that you learn to overlook; such as continuity and acting. Yes, both fall short in this film. The continuity is actually dreadful in some scenes, but in the big picture, those can be forgivable. Perhaps the biggest problem with this film is, dare I say it, the direction. The writing surely didn't help either. A few jumpy scares and a decent premise, but that's not enough to save this film. It's worth a viewing for a horror fan, but please don't praise it like the rest of these casuals and fools. This film is NOT a classic and is NOT a great horror film. Hell, it's not even really a good horror film. Raimi did not save the horror genre in Hollywood, it's far beyond saving. Looks like Raimi's spent too much time with the boys in the 'Wood, because it shows in this film.
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Nightmare Man (2006)
1/10
A Pathetic Attempt At...Well, I'm Not So Sure
21 April 2009
Wow, this movie was downright bad. From the acting to the score to the screenplay to the direction, just downright bad. I think the writer didn't realize that fertility deals with procreation, not libido.

The biggest problem with this movie is apparent from the get-go. Generally in movies you pull for a hero, whether them likely or not. Films have protagonists and the audience is supposed to like or care for them depending on the context. In order for this film to work, we have to truly care for the well-being and safety of said protagonist. The character is terribly written; she's whiny, bitchy, and full of inconsistency. The actress makes it worse. She's just terrible. Literally unbelievably bad.

The plot is weak, and the "twist" is seen miles away. Very obvious, yet it doesn't make much sense.

The minor characters are fluff at best, and the "being" is hilarious. It isn't one of those, "so bad it's good" things, you actually find yourself forcing laughter at just how terrible this is.

The score reminds me of shaking uncontrollably in a cold sweat. It's uncomfortable, annoying and headache-inducing.

All in all, this movie is only worth a viewing if you're attempting to show someone how NOT to make a film. You could point out plot, screenplay, direction, cinematography, acting, characters, score, visuals, et cetera.

There are times we are all tempted to watch something so horrible, we get chuckles. This is NOT that film. Just stay away if you know what's good for you.
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A Haunting in Connecticut (2002 TV Movie)
2/10
What a Load
27 March 2009
Warning: Spoilers
I was fairly excited for this even though the other "A Haunting" episodes I've seen have been a laughing stock. I read so many great things, and the high rating here on IMDb led me to believe that this was actually going to be a spooky tale.

I already knew that this story had been debunked, but it didn't much matter to me; I treat all of these as works of fiction.

Well, as it turns out, everyone was wrong. This story is far from creepy. It starts out fairly nice with an eerie setting as the house used to be a Funeral Parlor. Here's where it just gets ridiculous. Are we supposed to believe that expensive, dangerous and morbid equipment used on the deceased was just left behind? No way in hell. Are we supposed to believe that this family actually uses the freezer that held human cadavers for food? Right; though they seem nuts enough.

Then we find out there's a demon in the house and Ed and Lorraine Warren (sigh) claim the portal to hell lies there. Yeah, that's the same thing they said with the other big name haunting-Amityville. (Yet another hoax they were involved in.) This story is just so over-the- top, it's downright silly.

Far from disturbing as so many others claim. I suppose if you really believe in demons, exorcism, and fairy-tale deities, there's a chance you could maybe buy into their story. Otherwise, you'll be laughing the whole way through.

Overall, it isn't even worth the couple of chuckles you get. I suppose it is disturbing in the fact that people believe this junk and that humans actually act this way in real life all for faith.
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Dragon Hunter (2009)
1/10
What A Ride It Was
27 March 2009
You know when you make it over an hour through a movie and you only have like twenty minutes left, and even though it's awful, you've come this far and just have to finish it? Well, this is not that movie. I was literally five minutes away from the end and couldn't care less.

The acting was downright pitiful with characters lacking any depth to pull any emotion from anyway. Blame the writing, it was some of the worst you'll see.

The plot sounded interesting enough in the ultra-nerdy sort of fashion, but rest assured, it falls short here, too. Awful plot. Awful writing. Pitiful direction.

The continuity was thrown out the window. There are scenes in which a character's beard appears to have gotten a magical trim over the course of a few seconds, until...BAM! It's back!

The effects are just goofy. The dragon, well, I won't give it away, but it's laughable to say the least.

Although I gave this only one star, and would probably consider it one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time, it isn't without it's charms. It's charms being that it is so terrible, you'll find yourself chuckling every few moments. The chuckles eventually wear off and you stop caring, at which point you should just turn the movie off.

All in all, the director/writer/producer in Shimek should be shunned from the fantasy community, hanged for his abomination, and mocked for eternity in his pathetic attempt at a film. This guy is pathetic. Literally something that you would not believe until you see. Yes, it's THAT bad.

See it for a laugh with buddies over some beers, but I'm sure you won't want to watch more than forty five minutes or so.

If you plan on watching it for any other reason than mockery, just don't.
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