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chadd firchau
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The Invisible Man (2020)
You don't need to be invisible when the entire movie is this dark
Yet again, we have another movie that's so dark, you can't see it. Why does it need to be this dark? I can't tell what's going on. I have to crank my TV brightness higher than the sun just to see what's happening.
Cecilia, the main character, is a typical bumbling fool that you see in standard horror movies. She constantly makes bad decisions, is extremely stupid, and absolutely sucks at explaining herself.
She is being tormented by her ex in an invisible suit. She squanders numerous opportunities to prove that he's real. She finds his cellphone, with stalker pictures of her sleeping... and she just drops the phone. She doesn't TAKE IT WITH HER TO PROVE THAT HE'S STALKING HER.
She finds his invisible suit halfway through the movie. It's covered in countless tiny cameras. This is her chance to take the suit so she can prove his existence! But she doesn't do that. She doesn't even take pictures of it. She just runs away and we get treated to another hour of her being a helpless idiot.
How would a suit like this even work? Imagine the weight of carrying around hundreds of cameras. It would get HOT. It would be clunky and loud. You'd need a backpack of batteries to keep the thing powered.
She actually manages to dump paint on him, but he instantly turns invisible again. How? Those little cameras would be ruined. Did he completely clean himself off in an instant? Does he carry around acetone just incase he needs to clean paint off his suit? Does he have some kind of utility belt, like Batman? How does this movie have a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes? Has the entire world GONE CRAZY???
Eventually, everyone finds out that her tormenter was the brother of her ex, using his secret invisible suit technology. Everyone is relieved, except Cecilia. She tries to explain that her ex is in on it, but they go RIGHT back to not believing her. Seriously? She was right this whole time, but you're all going to dismiss everything she says AGAIN?
This dude would 100% still be a suspect, without a doubt, based on some of the stuff his brother told her. One of the cops says to her "the suit was destroyed, so he can't turn invisible anymore." The suit that he invented and built. It's unfathomable that he built more than one, or that he can build another.
This movie is long, boring, dark, long, and boring. The characters are all brain dead and their personalities are flat and one dimensional. There was just nothing interesting in this insufferably long snoozefest. Hollow Man made more sense that this thing, and that movie was awful too, but at least it was entertaining. At least I wasn't staring at a black screen for 2 hours. I'd rather stare at Kevin Bacon's junk for 2 hours than watch this monstrosity, again.
The Whale (2022)
Brendan Fraiser in a Fat Suit
I was surprised to find how little I enjoyed this movie.
I was disappointed to see that the director, Aronofsky, had rehashed the same storyline from one of his previous movies, the Wrestler. A dying man, reaching the end of his life, is trying to re-connect with his estranged daughter. His daughter hates his guts and is unnecessarily cruel to him the entire time. It makes me wonder about Aronofsky's home life.
The daughter's personality is just too over-the-top. There's no subtlety to her character, or to any of the characters.
The number one thing that bothered me about this movie was how the characters were written. There's a certain trope in modern movies where the personalities of the characters are just completely divorced from reality. Nobody in the movie is relatable in any way. They all have personalities of people you have never met in real life, but you've probably seen in other works of fiction.
This movie is trying to tackle some serious subject matter, but there's too many poorly written clichés and unrealistic situations that take away from the seriousness of the message.
For example, every character will act like they're about to leave, but stop at the door at the last second, turn around, and add something to say. The daughter does it at least three times. It's a lazy trope that I don't think I've ever seen anyone do in real life... only in movies... and numerous times in THIS movie.
Brendan Fraiser's acting was noticeably better than all his costars. His personality was the most realistic of all of them. He had to deliver some pretty bad lines, and he still made it seem natural. He was the best part of this flub.
Evil Dead Rise (2023)
LOVE IT!!!
Just kidding, this movie is terrible.
There are zero scenes with comic relief in this movie. The 2013 remake suffered from this, as well. You can't re-remake Evil Dead, again, and forget to put jokes in it, again. Get with the spirit of it, guys!
Like most modern flub, this movie is too dark. Even when all the lights are turned on, I still can't see anything. Candles produce more light than these weaksauce 1 watt bulbs they be using in this place.
Some kids find a vinyl record in their apartment building after an earthquake. It contains personal notes from an old dude and readings from the Necronomicon that inadvertently wakes up some evil spirits when it's played. Why would anyone record their notes onto a vinyl record? It feels like the movie maker just wanted to do something different than finding a tape.
But a record just doesn't make sense. This professor lugged around a direct-to-disc sound recorder for his own personal notes, then turned them into vinyl discs? How did he find time to produce the records while being tormented by evil demons?
There's a lot of repeat scenes. Like the possessed mom will always jump on someone, and completely ignore her surroundings, while slooooooowwwwwwlyyyy getting ready to kill them, until a third party steps in and stops it. It feels cheap and lazy after the third time. And then it happens three more times.
The characters all feel kind of hollow and it's hard to care about what happens to them. Nobody's personalities really feel relatable; they're the kind of personalities you might see as archetypes in movies, but never in real life. There's a strange little girl, a groupie chick, and a kid who's trying to be an analogue style DJ like it's the 90's again.
You'd think kids would be easy to write, too. Just have them staring at their phones the whole time. Phones don't exist in this movie, though. It's just something you have to accept.
There's a lot of things you have to accept in order to enjoy this movie.
I can't wait for the next re-re-remake.
M3GAN (2022)
Chucky Downgrade
"How can it be dangerous? It's just a toy!" said the engineer who helped build a robot that has the strength of ten men.
If it's a toy, why didn't they make it out of plastic? Why can a toy overpower a full grown adult and rip body parts off of fools?
That same scientist punchers M3gan in the face with a mop, to see if it's turned on or not. Yes. He punches it in the face, moments before it's supposed to be presented on live TV. If he wanted to make sure she was powered down, why not just disconnect her battery??
M3gan can drop down on all fours and run like a jackal. Why? Why did they build her to do that? Even if she figured it out on her own with her AI powers, her joints and points of articulation had to be engineered for that.
Ever seen those dancing robots built by Boston Dynamics? That takes a team of hundreds of people working for months. And those robots lug around giant heavy batteries on their back.
M3gan has a grand total of three people who completely built and programmed her. She's light enough for a child to completely pick up and carry. She seems capable of going on a non-stop killing spree without ever recharging her non-existent batteries.
I love how utterly uninvolved the toy company is with the development of these super advanced toys, to the point that they're completely blind-sided by M3gan and all her capabilities. After showcasing her ONE time, they're ready to put her on live TV with no further tests. No debugging went into this DEATH MACHINE before they were ready to roll her out.
M3gan gives off super creepy uncanny valley vibes, but nobody seems the least bit unsettled by it. A normal child would run out of a room shrieking the first time M3gan said one word. In the backwards world of this movie, every person is astonished by her.
In reality, nobody would buy M3gan for their children. They might be able to sell a few models to some perverts, though.
The Black Phone (2021)
Kids Fighting Like Van Damme
The thing about movies like this is the writers/directors just can NOT accurately depict childhood or life in public schools. These moviemakers have NO IDEA what a regular child-hood is even like.
There are multiple fight scenes between teenagers in this movie. These fights include choreographed karate kicks, blocks, holds, and grapples that you only see in action movies starring Jean Claude Van Damme.
No fight, in the history of the planet, ever looks like this, let alone playground fights between kids!
Come to think of it, they should have just put Van Damme in this movie. I don't care if they got him to play the bad guy or one of the students. It would have made it so much better.
Ethan Hawk plays this dude who's going around a small town kidnapping kids. This town seems utterly indifferent towards the fact that many well-known, popular kids are going missing. Normally, if something like this were happening even in a bigger city, there would be mass hysteria. Parents and police would be escorting children to/from school. There would be strict curfews. There would be neighborhood watch volunteers on every street corner.
The Grabber just drives around town in a big conspicuous black van. Nobody seems to bat an eye. This dude would be a number one suspect. In THE REAL WORLD, he wouldn't be able to drive one block without getting pulled over.
Our main character, Finney, is supposed to be a smart kid. He's not. A lot of his friends and classmates have gone missing, and he doesn't seem to be very worried about it. He isn't even the slightest bit perturbed when he walks by the black murder van, and the grabber hops out in a creepy devil mask offering to show him a magic trick. Finney actually smiles with delight! ...and then he gets kidnapped.
These movies have to be written by aliens or robots pretending to be human. They don't have the slightest clue how real people behave in real life. Everything that happens is based on over-used stereotypes you see in other movies.
The abusive dad, for example, is portrayed worse than an episode of Law and Order. His acting is atrocious. A spanking scene that's supposed to be unsettling almost comes off as comical. It's obvious the film-makers have never been in a situation with an abusive parent before. It's a little offensive when writers try to tackle a touchy subject matter like this, and do it such a sloppy, lazy way.
The best part of this movie is when the little girl called the cops fart-knockers.
The Batman (2022)
I Can't Even See This Movie. Someone Turn on the Lights.
The Riddler blows up Gotham's sea walls and the city streets become flooded. That's not how Sea Walls work. They're built to prevent land erosion, they're not dams that hold back the ocean. Why didn't they just have the Riddler blow up a dam? The writers obviously couldn't be bothered with using their brains before writing this lazy movie.
I've seen more character development from one minute of literally any movie in history than I saw in this 3 hour snooze fest. Cat woman had no personality. We all know her as a strong, confident, and sexy master thief. Not this time. Her entire personality was "now I'm wearing a different wig!"
There was no difference between the personalities of Bruce Wayne and Batman. Normally, Bruce is a charismatic billionaire playboy and Batman is his hidden goth side. In this movie, they were both emo dorks.
There is nothing "penguin" about the Penguin. He doesn't even wear a tuxedo!
This movie is too dark. I mean visually dark. There's no lights. It's dark on dark on dark. Cat woman tries to shoot a guy standing three feet away from her. She misses. It knocks out the light. Now she can't see. The lights have been turned off this entire movie, but NOW she can't see? What does she do now that the lights are turned off? SLOWLY walks into the middle of the room, until someone knocks the gun out of her hand. Hollywood can't help themselves, can they? They just HAVE to cram hackneyed clichés into every scene.
The dialogue was awful.
Gordan: "He was injected with arsenic"
Batman: "rat poison."
Thanks for the explanation, bad movie.
AND of course, it has to have Batman spitting the line "If you kill him, you're just as bad they are!"
Nothing original to see here. Just a trite, boring 3 hour movie that could have easily been condensed into 40 minutes. The animated series had way better writing than this.
A Quiet Place (2018)
One of those "It's good if you don't think about it" movies.
It's present day. For over a year now, the world has been taken over by monsters that are blind and hunt by sound. The Abbot family are hiding in their home doing normal white-people things. Like playing Monopoly. One of them does something unthinkable: They knock over the most fragile lamp in the world, which shatters and makes A SOUND.
Now they all sit around in intense silence, hoping no monsters come. They hear a crash on the roof. Is it one of the monsters come to eat them? Of course not. It's just some raccoons. The family breath a sigh of relief and go back about their business.
But those raccoons just made a loud crash on your roof. They totally blew up your spot. You should be TWICE as a freaked, not relieved!
But why are there still chirping birds and noisy wild life in the first place? The human race is almost wiped out, but loud raccoons still run amok? Seems like a stretch. Not as much of a stretch as the premise of the movie itself. How did these blind creatures defeat all the armies of the world?
It's shown in the movie that they're not invincible. All you have to do is shoot them. You see a lot of newspaper clippings and headlines announcing that the monsters hunt by sound. So we had them figured out by the time society was still intact and newspapers were printing. The US military has killer lazer powered robots that can murder you with a teleporting penis rocket. How are we going to lose to a bunch of myopic guillermo-del-torro looking creeps?
According to the beardo dad's white-board that he keeps in his basement (which is a thinly veiled exposition of the setting) there are three monsters in the area. Why not hunt them down? It'd be super easy. Attract them with a loud noise and then take them out. Why didn't the Navy or Marines think of that?
The Abbots have a gun... a shot gun. Why not something quiet, like a silencer or a crossbow? The town is abandoned, so just ransack a gunstore.
The Abbots have a sound proof crawl space, but they don't live in it. Instead, they live out in the open where farting means certain death. Why don't they just sound proof the whole basement? Would that be too easy?
How does the house still have electricity? It can't be hooked up to a generator because that makes a lot of noise.
At one point in the movie, the dad and his super wimpy son visit a waterfall. He tells his son that it's safe to talk because the noise from the waterfall is too loud for the monsters to hear them. So... why don't they live next to the waterfall?
Why do the Abbots (with a fairly attractive husband and wife) have such an ugly, annoying daughter?
This is one of those movies that's only enjoyable if you just stop thinking about it. That's hard to do when there's zero comic relief to take your mind off of it. No blood or nudity, either (PG-13 alert)!
Nevertheless, it's still an entertaining movie. Totally not deserving of a 100% on rottentomatoes, though. Come on Guys!
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Too many plot holes
First of all, don't tell me this is a kid's movie and you're not supposed to think about it. You can take that attitude outside right now.
Obviously, this movie looks fantastic. It really makes you realize how boring these CGI Pixar kiddie flicks have become when you see highly detailed, real-life animation like this. That's the beginning and end of what makes this movie good.
In one scene, we see Jack Skellington singing on a hillside about how bored he is with Halloween. You can see a full moon behind him. The next night we see the night sky and it's a crescent moon. Moon phases don't happen that quickly.
Jack Skellington wanders into the woods and finds doorways into other Holiday worlds. How has nobody discovered these doors before? He steps through a door and falls into Christmas world. You see no doorways back, but somehow he gets back. How??
The Halloween crew kidnap Santy Clause and bring him back to Halloween world. There's a scene where they have to shove his fat butt down a ventilation shaft. They have a difficult time and you see the shaft buldge out as he gets sucked down. Uh, this is Santa Clause. He drops down chimneys effortlessly. Why is he having a hard time here?
Santa is completely helpless during this whole movie. Why? Doesn't he have magic powers? Why doesn't he fight back? At the VERY end, when they save Santa, you know what he does? Just flies away! He smashes through the ceiling! Why didn't he do that to begin with??
Most sane people would agree that Tim Burton can't make good movies anymore. Many people who hold this opinion will include "Nightmare Before Christmas" as one of his last good films. Well, I beg to differ, boys and girls.
I give this movie an F+.
Suicide Squad (2016)
Plop
In the DC universe depicted by this movie, bad guys like to tattoo descriptions of themselves on their faces.
That alone is emblematic of the entire movie. The whole thing feels like it was written and designed by an edgy 13 year-old.
Amanda Waller is trying to pitch a super villain suicide squad to some pentagon types for military funding. She explains how they have contingency plans for everything, like Nukes and Anthrax and mentions that we put "fluoride in the water."
Come on, Amanda. Everyone knows fluoridation is a communist plot to destroy our precious fluids.
Let's talk about the joker! They really blew him up in the promotions for this movie. You'd think he'd actually have kind of significance in the plot. No.
He shows up in a helicopter to save Harley Quinn from captivity. The helicopter is immediately shot down. She promptly returns to the group to finish the mission. That's it. That's Joker's role in this movie. No contribution to the story, just a shameless cameo to serve as filler.
Maybe this movie is supposed to be a collection of really bad Kubrick homages? I mean, the black guy in the Shining had more purpose than the Joker in this movie.
Anyway, this movie sucks. Unless you're 13, then it's probably brilliant.
Batman: The Killing Joke (2016)
Brian Azzarello adds clichés and plot holes to an otherwise great story
The creators of this film decided there wasn't enough story in the comic "The Killing Joke" and decided to add a Batgirl prologue. They got Brian Azzarello to write the screenplay and build on her character some more. The problem: He's not as good as Alan Moore.
The original story by Alan Moore that was depicted in this movie was dark, gripping, and disturbing. The additional scenes concocted by the movie makers, however, has a completely different look and feel. It plays out like a tiresome soap opera.
Check it out. A street thug named Paris Franz becomes obsessed with Batgirl. He makes a video, inviting her to show up to a certain location and challenge him. Batman gets the video from the cops and shows it to her, and then says "you're not going." They proceed to get into an argument we've heard Batman have with every sidekick ever. She's determined to do this herself. Why did he show her the video if he didn't want her to go? Batman is supposed to be smart! This is the lazy writing style of Azzarello. The whole Batgirl prologue is chock full of absolutely cringe-worthy scenes. There's not enough macaroni for all the cheese in this movie.
If you can get past the first half of this movie, the second half is a pretty good adaptation of the graphic novel. However, I would recommend skipping the whole thing and just reading the comic. It has better art.
The Fountain (2006)
oh jeez
As I watched this movie I thought, man, Hugh Jackman is really good at crying. I mean, it takes talent to boo hoo with a camera right in your face. Hats off to the guy. This is his only emotion in the entire movie. He is constantly distraught as he struggles to find the secret to immortality. Why? Is it a manly quest to fight his own destiny? No, stupid! He's trying to save his dying wife. Boooriiing!
As we watch Huge Ackman cry nonstop, we also see the story of a book that his wife has written. There's a part in this book when some old dude holds a dagger up to the night sky and lines some stars up through the holes in the dagger (like in the Goonies). this is how he finds the location of the tree of life. It's the Orion constellation. It's visible worldwide. You could hold that dagger up anywhere on the planet and line up the stars. Sheesh! And then, get this... it starts pouring rain! Guess what. It doesn't rain when you can see the stars. DUH! If my wife was such a sloppy writer, I'd divorce her.
There's also a part when they're star gazing and she says,"it's actually not a star, it's a nebula surrounding a dying star." Uhhh... so it's a star then.
In the end, Hugh becomes immortal and travels through space in a snow globe with his wife as a tree. He thinks blowing her up in a dying star will bring her back. So he spent MILLIONS of years being devoted to this quest. He never met another babe in all that time? Wow. He doesn't want his wife's ghost bugging him, either. Probably cuz you can't have sex with a spirit (like in Ghostbusters).
Listen IMDb, you keep tricking me into watching bad movies because of all these good reviews. Cut it out already! I'd rather watch The Wrestler.
The Descent (2005)
getting good until the monsters show up
This movie starts off boring, gets good, goes sour, gets worse, ends good. I give it an F+.
I give it a plus because it's rated R, has lots of blood, and the acting is decent.
Now I'll tell you why it gets an F. There are monsters in this movie that can leap, run, and climb walls at super human speed. So they must be pretty strong, right? Now we have an all-female cast of crybabies who can BARELY rock climb. What happens when they square off with the monsters? Duh. They harness their girl power and stomp the monsters into a bloody pulp.
There's a scene in this movie when a woman and a monster get into a slap fight. Seriously. Slapping each others' hands like patty cake. You go, girl. It's eventually revealed that the monsters are blind. They use their ears "like a bat." Oh, so they use echo location? Well that means you can be as quiet as you want and they'll still find you, right? Nope!
They can't hear the girls breath. They can't hear their racing heart beats. Nothing. But somehow they can maneuver the caves in pure darkness.
Also, the movie has no humor and no nudity. Unless you count the monsters. The main character, Sarah, has no depth. I know she's a victim who lost her fam in a car accident. In the end she learns to stand up and fight. but that's it. She has no personality. Who cares if she lives or not? Thank goodness I didn't pay money to see this movie.
Children of the Corn (1984)
Seize him!
all right, let's start reviewing this ridiculous movie. some preacher kid named Isaac gets all the children in town to kill every adult. then they all gather and listen to him give long winded biblical speeches. seriously. little kids, sitting still, listening to a preacher. this movie failed the reality check right off the bat.
our hero, Burt, nails a little kid with his car. YEAH! his cry baby wife loses it, but Burt keeps his cool. for some logic-defying reason he decides to throw the kid in his trunk. then he and his wife drive around forever looking for a phone. the whole time they're crying "where's the next town, where's the next town?!" are you kidding me? there's corn fields all around you! farmers always live next to their corn.
then they find some run down gas station. Burt sucks to the extreme at explaining himself. after a very awkward exchange with the grumpy gas station attendant, he decides to climb back in his car and drive straight into a corn field. i'm not making this up. they eventually wonder into an abandoned house and find a little girl all by herself. Burt puts his totally un-hip wife on babysitting duty while he runs off in search of a phone. his wife (not Sarah Conner) says to the little girl "let's draw!" but what she really meant was "you draw while i sit over here in the corner and ignore you."
then we watch Burt act like a clumsy fool for a while. he fights a whole pile of kids, but take some pretty heavy hits cuz he's a wimp. the story eventually ends without anybody removing the dead boy from the trunk. i guess they forgot.
this movie has almost no blood, bad acting, no boobs, no comedy, and constantly insults your intelligence by making no sense. i give it a C-.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)
teenage morphin power rangers.
This movie is all about the White Ranger. He's got the looks, the skills, and the 'tude. The fine momma Pink Ranger is ALL over his junk. The Power Rangers are wimps, they couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. The whole movie consists of them just getting' WORKED until the White Ranger pulls it together for the team and lays down the hammer on some sorry fools.
At one point, when the Morphin Teenagers are fighting a boss, my boy the White Ranger yells "FLYING CORKSCREW KICK!" torpedos off a tree at blinding speed, and inexplicably starts spinning in mid-air. The kick destroys everything. So cool.
Then this ancient evil bad boy named Ivan Ooze tries to take over the world and just jacks up the Ranger's pad. Their leader Zordon faints or something wimpy like that, and everyone loses their super cool Mighty Morphin powers. Which don't mean a thang to my boy Tommy Oliver (the White Ranger). He still Pummels the bad guys, no sweat, gets the whole team their powers back.
Ivan ain't havin' it, so he tries to fight them as a giant robot. You know what happens next. Worst CGI in the history of Earth. Worse than even the CGI in the spawn movie. Worse than Xena Warrior Princess CGI. The Power Ranger TV show looks better when they're just in monster and robot costumes. So bad.
I don't even know why Ivan wanted to go toe-to-toe with the Rangers when he has the power to magically trap people in tiny snow globes. Whatev.
In the end the White Ranger saves the day, and celebrates by tapping the Pink Ranger's booty (off-screen).
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
boo.
When my boy fires up this movie, I'm like "hey Shia LaBeouf is a pretty good actor!" and then I was like "wow, they got Optimus Prime's voice spot on!" I think those are the only two good things about the movie.
Let me tell you right now, son. These transformers look awful. All the decepticons look the same. I could never tell which one was megatron or starscream. The worst part of all, however, is that they all have human mouths. and when they talk, their faces move. like I mean, the metal parts of their faces stretch out like they were just painted on someone's cheek. Why use CGI if you're gonna make it look that tacky? Might as well just use guys in costumes. Am I right, men?
But check it out, the humans have this fragment of the "all star" which is a doomsday device that can drain our sun of all its energy. and the decepticons want to get their hands on it cuz they're evil and awesome. The autobots wanna help, but the humans are all "nah we're good, we got that all locked away nice and tight." What? They're alien robots with super technology! Come on! and then the movie makes the military look like incompetent buttholes that can't even aim as the decepticons use their super technology to steal the device.
The worst part of all is when optimus prime dies. He drives off into the woods and his autobot buddies are right behind him. But then his buddies disappear for like 20 minutes, while he has to fight every decepticon in the universe all by himself. Then he pops glowing blades out of his hands. Not guns, but glowing blades, and fights everyone like he's in the game God of War. RIGHT after he dies, the other autobots finally show up. I guess they all got a flat tire at the exact same time. Then there's all this drama and blah blah, and then Shia LaBeouf says "...bring Optimus Prime back to life!"
This movie will insult your intelligence no matter how old you are. This movie bad.
Inception (2010)
Brain burn.
I like Christopher Nolan. He a good director. His little movie here, Inception, is one of those movies that give you brain burn. Allow me to explain!
A rag tag team of handsome thieves invade people's dreams and extract memories. But for some reason implanting ideas in someone's head is super hard? No it's not! Hypnotist do it all the time. Then this Arthur character says "The dreamer can always remember the genesis of the idea. True inspiration is impossible to fake." Also, not true. People get source amnesia all the time. I'm sure you've met someone who claims to have invented a joke or a phrase that they actually heard from someone else.
And these thieves are trying to get some wealthy hot-shot to shut down his bidnass? There's an easier way to do that that doesn't involve dream invasion. Wallstreet does it all the time. If some butt-wipe is getting too powerful, just bust him for any number of egregious crimes in which super wealthy billionaires inevitably get themselves involved. Or frame him and arrange some kind of take-over. 10000000000 times easier.
Additionally, there are plenty of cheesy Hollywood shootouts where the bad guys can't aim, and cars function perfectly fine after being filled with bullet holes. You could say the cars still work cuz it's a dream, but then why do shot up people get totally screwed? I can overlook these ridiculous elements in a Jean Claude Van Damme movie by simply turning off my brain, but that's exactly where everything goes wrong in this movie.
Ya see, if this was a comedy, everything in the story would work. But it isn't a comedy, is it, homies? heck no, son, it's a psychological thriller! So it's meant to stimulate your brain, but all the absurdities mentioned above ask you turn your brain off in order to enjoy it. So the constant turning on and off chafes your brain. Brain burn.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
"your country needs you, Logan." --- i'm Canadian.
i grew up on wolverine. i have played every wolverine video game, i've read 24572340574523452346 wolverine comics, and i was wolverine on Halloween. just so you know, x-men 1 for Sega Genesis was the best game of them all. i could beat that game with wolverine and a little night-crawler. but i digress... before you sit down to watch this here movie, you gotta get ready to see all your favorite wolverine stories get completely changed. that's easy enough, there are plenty of comics out there that re-tell origins of super heroes. the only thing that matters is that they got the spirit of wolverine right.
does he kill a whole mess load of people? yes. does he smoke cigars and say "i'm the best there is at what i do"? yes. does he get LAAAAAAAAIIIIID? yes. you think he's intimidated when agent zero shoots his cigar out of his mouth? shoot no, son! he keeps talking' smack, then he rolls up his sleeves and lets loose.
so you think this movie is gonna turn out okay until wolverine reaches the absurdly over powered final boss. it's like the bad guys said "crap, we lost weapon x! that's okay, we'll make a new one with a healing factor. but this time with swords in his hands. and eye lasers. and teleporting powers." super lame.
then to top it off, in the very end, an old man, who isn't even a ninja, sneaks up on wolverine and shoots him. this movie shows my boy Logan using his heightened senses to determine if a person is lying to him. he can hear people talking in another room, when he's half dead submerged in water inside of a tank. and yet an old man can catch him by surprise. i hate you twentieth century fox. i hate you.
Taken (2008)
wait, what? aw come on, what?!
so once again, Lliam Neeson plays a tough guy role. movie starts out, he's a retired merc, droppin' a visit on his daughter's birthday party. he gets into a typical argument with his ex-wife. she all "what are you doing here? you get her on the weekend" and blah blah blah. he doesn't hit her, i don't know why. but c'mon, is this how it is in real life? don't broken up couples ever just act nice to each other? so Lliam's daughter is a totally spoiled rich girl. she gets a pony for her birthday, right? and then the following day she begs her daddy to fly her to Europe, and when he says he'll think about it, she cries and throws a ridiculous temper tantrum. this little (swear word) just got a PONY FOR HER (SWEAR WORD)ING BIRTHDAY! so he struggles with the guilt of breaking his little ungrateful daughter's heart, and lets her take a trip to Europe. and then the best thing that could ever happen happens. she gets kidnapped by a bunch of human traffickers! cool! so, obviously, Lliam Neeson beats up a million guys in some really cool fight sequences, gets her back, she overcomes her trauma, and pursues her passion of becoming a famous pop singer by receiving vocal lessons from some super star bimbo. yeah, that's really the happy ending! it's the most shocking part. this spoiled brat wasn't humbled, but spoiled EVEN MORE in the end. suck.
Drag Me to Hell (2009)
drag me to pg-13
horror movies nowadays are all pg-13. and they generally have an attractive female lead that's being terrorized by scary super natural forces. i miss the good ole' days when the villain was an un-stoppable demon that bleeds acid. i enjoy the occasional psycho-thriller, polanski style, but these modern movies try to be suspenseful by making you jump every minute with a million fake scare scenes. the gore and blood in this movie is mostly done with CGI. every time the main character gets slimed, its just special effects! why? what's with modern directors and their undying love for excessive use of computer generated graphics? is it too much to ask for some real slime? but since it's sam raimi, there are some definitely awesome scenes and it has a tight ending! YEAH!!
Dennis the Menace (1993)
it's all about switchblade sam
you know how switchblade sam rolls into town? on steel rails, leapin' off the locomotive at full speed and dustin' himself off. then he scopes out the town and says, "i bet they don't even lock their doors." this is the happiest man in the world. he walks into people's houses, eats their food, jacks all their cash and jewelry... shoot, he even steals candy from a baby. cops try to give him guff, but he don't sweat it. he'll cook up a whole pot of beans, even when he isn't hungry. he eats his apples off of his switchblade. he got some tight threads. he probably gets laid all the time too, but they ain't showin' that in this movie. he drinks his whiskey straight out the flask. he kidnaps kids and holds them for ransom.
mr. Wilson is kinda cool too.
Silent Rage (1982)
jason vorhees crossed with wolverine
this right here is a norris horror flick. even though i'm about to praise this movie, you ain't gonna to hear any lame, passé "chuck norris is so tough" jokes, got it?
so this stone cold psycho snaps one day and goes on a kill crazy rampage. for some unexplained reason he has super human strength. he snaps off his hand cuffs, kicks a door off a police cruiser, and wrecks a pile of police officers with his bare hands. then some mad scientists get their hands on him and turn him into an unstoppable jason vorhees with a wolverine-style healing factor. the killer in this movie is butt ugly and played by the worst actor i've ever seen. luckily he doesn't get much lines, but he does get a mint super villain outfit that's seriously stylin'.
chuck catches up with this foo and drops some super sonic judo on his butt. he also puts some smooth moves on a fly hon and follows it up with a polished love scene. then he has an intense fight in a bar against something like 200 rough biker dudes. the best part about the fight scenes in silent rage is that there is straight up no music playing in the background. ever. somehow it makes the fights way more intense. usually white boys look like nerds when they try to execute some wack kung fu shoot, but my boy chuck shows ya how it's done.
this movie is fulla glory. i ain't even touched the surface with my praises. but i'm tuckered out now, so that's all you getting' from me.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
donald sutherland is upset
these evil alien plants float through outer space and land on earth. they slowly take over the planet by duplicating humans, killing off the original, and taking over their lives. the aliens just get worked when sutherland steps in. this movie has a few things i love to see in horror films.
one: it has a mint title.
two: it has twisted super villain philosophy. you know what i mean. when the good guys come face to face with the bad guy and they start arguing, and the bad guy drops some evil logic that shuts them down. he says they're improving humanity, making them part of something grander. all they can do at that point is cry.
three: it has tight special effects without the aid of computer generated imagery. there's a scene in this movie when a dog is running around with a human head. it looks wicked. i ain't seen the 2007 version of this movie, but if that dog were in a film now, it'd be 100% CGI and it'd just look boring and lame.
and four: it has a rough ending.
you boys and girls should scope this movie out. it ain't for wimps.
À l'intérieur (2007)
i'm serious about this one
so the way "Inside" handles its score and cinematography, and the way the characters are developed, had me tricked into thinking i might be sittin' down to watch a non-brainless flick.
check it: the cops in this movie don't call for back up. it's enraging. one cop is in a car, with a suspect, while his two partners go in to a house and don't come back. any police officer would hit the radio, but not this douche. he hand-cuffs himself to the suspect and goes in. no cop in the world would ever do that. hold on, now, homies, there's more. a lady gets a lighter/hairspray torch held up to her face, right? now if this happens to you in real life, you'll generally jump out of the way in fright. it's a straight up natural reaction. maybe you'd lose your eyebrows. not in this movie, though. in this movie, you stand there, screaming "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" into the fire, while your face turns black. suck. stupid. crap.
there's a lot more stuff like this. all of these mindless sequences would have been forgivable if this movie wasn't taking itself so seriously, trying' to come off like more than it was: a straight up tasteless, violent horror movie. i mean there's no bones about it, this script is just plain unintelligent. it would have been very easy to conceive of a movie equally horrifying yet more plausible. it sucked.
also, none of the infamous gruesome scenes in this picture made me cringe at all. it's just tiring.
oh yeah, and one more thing, homies, the villain in this movie is totally passé (that's an apropos use of a french word). when you fools gonna understand that there ain't no such thing as a dark, maniacal, evil villain like those so often portrayed in uncreative movies?
Darkman (1990)
darkman delivers some street justice
darkman is a horribly disfigured super scientist. here are his powers: he can design sophisticated masks that makes him a master of disguise. he can imitate anyone's voice perfectly. he has super strength when he loses his temper. aaaand he can't feel pain.
some mobster tough guys find out where his hideout is, and they think they gonna get the jump on him. know what he do? spank their butts. the final villain got a nail gun the size of a 13 year old girl. darkman takes that boy on with his bare fists.
i don't get why liam neeson always plays the role of a tough guy. he looks like a wimpy old man. but in this movie, his face is 80% missing, so he actually looks mean.
check this movie out. has a classic comic book feeling and a water tight ending.
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
great horror flick
the coolest gang leader ever: suicide. he's tough as nails and got all the good lines. "you think this is a costume? it's a way of life!" some naked honey is grinding all over him in a graveyard, he pushes her... not just a gentle push, he knocks her on her butt, and says, "have some respect for the dead, will ya?!" other than that, the movie still beats butt. the zombies cannot be killed, no matter what you do to them. they can run. they can talk, they're not stupid. and they eat brains. for once, these are zombies that could actually take over the world. i think good movies, especially good horror movies, are written by people who secretly hate humans. dan o'bannon is probably one of those boys. even though AVP sucked so bad.