jman_316 Reviews

The Perfect Roommate (2011 TV Movie)

I had no idea so many people in Philadelphia had Canadian accents

[4/10 · 7 February 2016]

In this unintentionally amusing turkey, a female crime team plots to have one of them marry and bump off a wealthy widower. The widower's daughter Ashley, her boyfriend Matt, and his brother double as super-sleuths who solve a mystery that the police and DA's mistakenly pin on Carrie's ex-husband. Carrie's partner-in-crime Anna takes out widower Richard's ex-girlfriend just in case she figures out what's going on. Somehow it all comes together in the end. Ashley and the boys missed their calling. They should've been detectives.

Oh, and for a movie taking place in Philadelphia there are lots of Canadian accents. If you need some amusement, you can do worse.

Rocky V (1990)

Go for what?

[3/10 · 11 June 2007]

I stumbled upon this movie quite early this morning (which is probably the only time when this movie airs). I had never seen this "Rocky", only hearing and reading that it was absolutely awful. Well, everyone was right. There are so many things wrong with this movie, guess I might at well start near the beginning.

Adrian (Talia Shire) and Rocky (Sylvester Stallone) find out that Adrian's brother and Rocky's hanger-on Paulie (Burt Young) signed the Balboa fortune over to a crooked account. Problem #1: Stallone never portrayed Rocky at the brightest bulb in the box, but we're supposed to believe both he and Adrian gave a drunk power of attorney? The Balboas lose everything, have to sell off almost everything, and move back to the slums of Philadelphia. Rocky takes a job working as a trainer in his old gym and Adrian has to work, also. Rocky's son Robert (a.k.a. Rocky Jr. whom Rocky Sr. refers to as "kid", played by Sly's real-life son Sage) has to go to a difficult public school where he is repeatedly mugged and has his jacket and lunch money stolen. Eventually, Rocky is befriended by a young boxer named Tommy Gunn (actual boxer Tommy Morrison, sporting a very unflattering mullet) who asks Rocky to take him under his wing. While training Tommy, Rocky Sr. ignores Rocky Jr. who starts to distance himself from his father.

Rocky is frequently accosted by promoter George Washington Duke (Richard Gant), who is a blatant ripoff of Don King, even using King's catchphrase "Only in America." King, er, Duke, tries to get Rocky back in the ring to fight one of his fighters, but Rocky announced his retirement (again) at the beginning of the film. Somehow, Duke got a hold of Rocky's medical records (which were supposedly confidential) showing Rocky has suffered brain damage. He repeatedly tries to lure Rocky back into the ring, but voice of reason Adrian refuses to let him. Unable to get Rocky, Duke wines and dines Rocky's prized pupil Gunn. Gunn eventually accepts an offer to join Duke's team. Rocky accuses him of "selling out" but Gunn has had it with Rocky and his refusal to get him a title shot. By this point, Adrian snaps Rocky out of his haze by telling him he's lost his son. Rocky Sr. and Rocky Jr. eventually make nice and start up their "home team" (whatever that means) thing again. Previous to this, Sr. taught Jr. how to defend himself and Jr. takes out one of the bullies.

Gunn eventually defeats the champ, but the crowd turns on him for leaving Balboa. At a post-fight press conference, the media says Gunn beat a bum and he'll never be as good as Rocky. An incensed Gunn storms out of the press conference and goes to to the slums of Philly with Duke in tow to challenge Rocky to a fight. Rocky refuses until Gunn punches Paulie who was popping off to Gunn. Duke wants the fight "in the ring" but Rocky tells him "My ring's outside." Rocky and Gunn engage in a street fight with cameramen and reporters following the action (man, talk about good timing). Rocky Jr. is watching TV and tells Adrian that Dad is fighting. The two then head to the scene. The fight ends with Rocky scoring the victory. Afterwards, Rocky confronts Duke who says to Rocky three times "Touch me and I'll sue." Rocky disregards his warning and gives him a body blow that knocks him four feet into the air (??) onto a parked car. Rocky then says to him, "Sue me for what?" Other problems with this movie: 1) All the stuff that the Balboas sold couldn't even get them a modest apartment in a decent neighborhood? 2) After defending himself and getting his jacket back, Jr. and the bully shake hands and later Jr. becomes friends with the other bully. Nice to see there's no hard feelings.

3) How on earth did Adrian and Jr. get to the street fight in about two minutes? Man, Adrian must've really hauled.

4) After distancing himself from his father, Rocky Jr.'s grammar takes a nosedive. Apparently becoming tough means suddenly saying things "don't mean nothing'." In closing, Stallone was clearly trying to re-create the first Rocky (even having Rocky start wearing his old top hat and leather jacket again, along with resuming smoking) but he falls well short. The only redeeming qualities in this movie are a couple funny lines, Rocky's nemesis not being a caricature, and the "One more round" line which is one of the most memorable lines from the Rocky genre.

Take a pass on this dog. While I haven't seen "Rocky Balboa" yet, it can't be worse than this disaster.

EX-treme Dating (2002– )

A worthwhile way to spend 30 minutes

[6 December 2003]

First off, this show is yet another in the seemingly endless realm of dating programs. While not the best, it certainly isn't the worst ("Rendez-view" anyone?). The premise has a guy and girl out on the town for a date. As a twist on the other programs, two of the guy's or girl's ex-es come along for the ride. The ex-es watch the date on a monitor and make snide comments in the other's earpiece to try to persuade them not to end up in the limo (where all the dates end). If whoever has their ex-es following them around wins, they get a free 2nd date. If the ex-es win, they get a prize. As a bonus, there are additional (usually) funny lines added by the editing crew thrown in. Jillian Barberie serves at host, and while she may be annoying at times her sex appeal and quick wit make it worthwhile. Overall, a good program with enough charm to put this among the more interesting reality shows.

Poison (2001 Video)

When Kari Wuhrer is providing the best acting in a movie...

[4/10 · 9 July 2003]

...you know you've just got a direct-to-video stinker. The storyline has been done before (woman attempts to get even with family she feels killed her husband), and has been done better. At least with Shannon Tweed's "Scorned" it didn't take itself too seriously so it made the film enjoyable. This is pretty much dreck from the word "Action!" The male actors in this aren't good at all. Seth Adams Jones who plays David gives perhaps the worst "emotion" scene in film history when he talks to his father about how he should've been stricter. Melissa Stone adds the single worst sex scene in film history as well. While her dolt boyfriend is screwing her on top of their freezer, she just lays there with a straight, hurry-up-and-get-this-scene-over-with-so-I-can-put-my-shirt-back-on face that totally kills whatever eroticism the scene could have.

The other sex scenes aren't much better. Wuhrer can't even be bothered to take her panties off for her scene. Crampton has to use a body double so blatant I wondered why they even bothered with this scene. In the end, Wuhrer's character wins and she drives off into the sunset. There are much better Wuhrer movies, skip over this one.

Lying Eyes (1996 TV Movie)

Cassidy Rae: Hot. Movie: Eh

[5/10 · 23 April 2002]

I admit it, the ads before the movie seeing a hot blonde in lingerie got me to watch. The acting, well the acting was terrible. My friend's movies shot on a camcorder feature better acting, not to mention a better script. Girl's car hit by boy (well, actually much older man), man pays for girl's repairs, girls falls for man. Or something like that. Amy (Cassidy Rae) finds out her lover Derek Bradshaw (Vincent Irizarry) is married. Sadly, she believes he's really trying to end his marriage. Then Amy starts to feel someone is trying to get her. Her friend (who turns out to be her real stalker) tries to help, but deliberately steers her wrong. Turns out she's under Derek's evil spell too. Only good things about this movie are Rae and her towel/shower/sauna scenes. Average TV movie.

Fast Lane to Malibu (2000)

The greatest movie ever!

[9/10 · 6 April 2002]

Well, maybe not. But take this for what it is. I knew I had a winner here when it opened with Renee Rea in the shower. The premise (such as it is) involves two guys heading to Malibu for a sex party. They leave potentially their two future women behind for wild sex with sorority girls. Along the way, they meet (i.e. have sex with) a hitchhiker, a gas station girl, and two cops. Their girls back at school go after them to save them (I guess). The movie is good for a few laughs, too. The story is ridiculous, but you knew that before you got it. The acting isn't much better than your average soft-core fluff. But who cares? This movie rocks! As a bonus, it has Kira Reed. And NOTHING with her in it sucks. I have to go find the sequel to this. Enjoy fellas.

Losing Control (1998)

Awesome. Classic Kira

[10/10 · 6 April 2002]

All Kira Reed fans MUST see this. The film's premise has struggling romance novelist Kira unable to come up with any new ideas. She's also getting over a divorce. However, she meets this guy at a restaurant and he helps her out of her shell (and clothing). They go into a corner room and they do it. Thankfully, Kira gets a condom out (Now don't ever tell me these Playboy films are worthless piles of soft-core fluff. Remember kids, safe sex). Later, she marvels to her publishist how great it was, but she didn't get his name. Despite this, the guy finds her and they continue their kinky games. But eventually she tires of his sneakiness and wants to know more. When she does, all hell breaks loose, and I'll leave it at that. This is easily the best of these soft-core Playboys films I've seen. Check this out, and marvel at the greatness of Kira.

40 Days and 40 Nights (2002)

"Wacky sex comedy" meets "Chick flick"

[5/10 · 20 March 2002]

This is a cross between "wacky sex comedy" with some "chick flick" romance thrown in. While I did find myself laughing a few times, there really wasn't enough to classify this as hysterical. I admit watching him try to hang in there for 40 days isn't too bad. You almost start rooting for him as the movie progresses. Matt meets this girl at a laundromat and they soon fall in love. She can't deal with his vow and they spend the rest of the movie in and out of romance. But of course, they end up together in the end. On a side note, the ending to the premise of the film is very disappointing. You know, had they just picked one genre to go with for this film, either the "sex comedy" or the "chick flick" it would've been preferable. The movie can't make up its mind (and the overabundance of erection jokes didn't help either), therefore it suffers. I give this a five.

Point of Seduction: Body Chemistry III (1994 Video)

Not unless you want to see Shari Shattuck naked

[3/10 · 16 March 2002]

Otherwise, don't bother. This is just your basic direct-to-video fluff. Andrew Stevens is such a bad actor it's not even funny. He and Morgan Fairchild (what's SHE doing in this?) provide perhaps the worst sex scene in film history as well. She must've had a no-nudity clause cause the camera never pans down further than the top of her bustline in this. Shari Shattuck (who thankfully does not have a no-nudity clause) is ok at best. Her sex scenes are so over-the-top they're actually entertaining.

The premise would probably make more sense if I saw the first two B.C.'s. I didn't, so I'll take this at face value. Stevens and his friend want to make a movie about Shattuck's life. She says no, then she seduces married man Stevens. Ummm, ok. Shattuck plays a manipulator, but you can't help but be sucked in by her. The ending of the movie is good. However, the rest is awful. I suppose there are worse ways to blow $3, and Shattuck is alright. I still wouldn't recommend it, though.

Saving Silverman (2001)

Great, assuming your humor level never rose above 4th grade

[3/10 · 23 February 2002]

This is a perfect example of "what you see is what you get." For those who like the gross-out stuff, filled with more genetalia (male and female) and masturbation jokes than you can shake a stick at, then THIS is your movie. For those of us who moved on from this sorta thing like 10 years ago, please avoid this. While there are a few funny lines, it's nowhere near enough to save the movie. Amanda Peet and Steve Zahn are too talented to be stuck in this crap. Jack Black appears to be settling into the new king of gross-out comedies. Hey, if it makes him millions, good for him. Any two-bit actor (*cough*Adam Sandler*cough) can do that. Biggs may be ok, but we'll never know if he keeps doing these types of film. In closing, you like disgusting humor? Your ship has come in. If you're like me and stopped being amused by this stuff after we graduated from Junior High, then avoid at all costs.

Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974)

Bona fide original

[5 February 2002]

That's the best I can describe this. The fact that the sketches are still funny after 30 years is a testament to the Pythons. I didn't really get into this until about six months ago, but now I'm hooked. The wackiness seen here is fantastic. For those of you unfamiliar with this show or want to try a sample, I highly recommend the DVD 2 set with the Dead Parrot and Lumberjack bits. Classic stuff. The Upperclass Twit of the Year is another personal favorite. While watching this, I've noticed that all sketch comedies since this one (all the successful ones anyway) have borrowed an idea from this show. Personally, I feel the Kids In The Hall should be sending them a royality check every month since the Kids ripped off about 95% of this show. At any rate, this show is just British comedy at it's best. Check it out, you won't regret it. Oh, one more thing I forgot... Albatross!