akharvey Reviews

Leave the World Behind (2023)

Leave The Film Alone

[4/10 · 9 December 2023]

A two-hour build up for nothing. No pay-off, no reveal, nothing. Just two hours of escalating tension that doesn't work because that's all it is. Music that keeps making you think something powerful or scary is about to happen and nothing does.

Scenes that really offer nothing, don't hang together, and leave you feeling empty.

It's really quite a crap movie.

It's a shame because these are bona fide actors and this could have been a truly terrifying movie because the theme itself could actually happen.

This has been done better in other films and there is nothing new here.

Give it a miss. Do your weekly grocery shopping instead.

Kandahar (2023)

Waste of Time

[1/10 · 27 August 2023]

If you like throwing your life away, watch this cesspool of a movie.

I say, "Watch", when a lot of the movie is so dark that literally the only thing you can see is the subtitles. I am not joking.

And the soundtrack is stupid. A completely dissonant selection of woeful Western tunes that do not fit the movie at all.

The script is basic and what is supposed to be a touching scene where Gerald Butler's character confides in his translator is just cliched tripe.

This is a movie with no heart and no point. It has nothing new. It's bleak, boring, slow, and the male characters would be more entertaining if they simply undressed and measured each other's appendages.

You've been warned!

Viking Wolf (2022)

Nice Addition to the Werewolf Film Genre

[7/10 · 23 May 2023]

I love a good werewolf movie so was interested to see what this one was like.

My overall impression was that it paid homage to the classic "An American Werewolf In London" film, one of the best werewolf movies ever made. It's got the same love and loss theme, and I'm sure the writers intentionally did this, reinventing the film 40 years on.

Yes, I agree, the werewolf CGI was poor - a sign of a low budget - and who cares? If you focus on the story, it's hardly a major distraction. And the slight twist on the werewolf myth was clever - no lunar changes from man to beast and back again. It's a one-way trip.

It feels like the film takes place over a few days or so, making it quite believable that the investigation turned from a hunt for a wolf to a gory bloodbath once the young girl herself turned after being bitten. There's no time for police reinforcements, etc. It's a small, relatively remote, blue-collar town forced to confront the fact that werewolves are real. There's no time for them to get their head around it - they're literally at the mercy of events.

And the ending was good enough, leaving you to consider what you would do as a mother faced with that choice.

I enjoyed it - the pace was great and there was no unnecessary exposition and very little side-story padding. Just a straight out werewolf movie.

Worth watching.

Ad Astra (2019)

Preposterous

[3/10 · 19 February 2023]

One of the slowest, dullest, vacuous, preposterous movies I've ever watched.

Set in the "near future", whatever that means, this movie is full of more holes than Swiss cheese.

We are supposed to believe that people have been born on Mars and suffer no ill effects from living in a low-gravity environment.

We are supposed to believe that we can send a manned spacecraft to Neptune and have someone live there for 30 years. And we are supposed to believe it only takes 80 days to get to Neptune from Mars and that all the planets - Jupiter, Saturn, and Uranus - are neatly aligned along the way.

There is a base on Mars called Ersa N. A. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, but I think it's an Easter Egg for this movie. Read backwards, it's "An arse".

That sums it up - don't waste your time.

Harry & Meghan (2022)

The Ultimate Lesson In Narcissism

[1/10 · 9 December 2022]

It's 2022. Families all around the world have lost loved ones to Covid and also suffered the illness and the symptoms of long-Covid. We watch in despair as Putin levels Ukraine in a pointless 'war' that achieves nothing and causes pain and suffering to millions of innocents.

And now we have rising interest rates, people losing jobs, rampant inflation, and exorbitant energy prices.

And let's not talk about the storms, floods, fires, eruptions, and earthquakes!

Yet here we have two people, in the 0.00001% wealth and privilege bracket, who expect us to believe they have suffered more than the rest of us.

MeAgain Markle talks of racism and discrimination while openly mocking the Royal Family and having to curtsy to the world's most respected Monarch, a woman who personified service.

Her frankly, dim-witted husband watches uncomfortably as his wife compares meeting the Queen to a themed-restaurant chain in America.

And they continue to scream for privacy while allowing Netflix access to their iCloud photos and staged videos.

On the one hand, I'm so happy that they've found love. It's wonderful.

I just wish they'd shut the F up and go and live that private life, use their status and privilege to actually do some good for those in genuine pain, and contribute to making the world a slightly better place than they found it.

And MeAgain... you are not even on the same planet as Harry's mother and don't deserve the comparison.

Your "me, me, me" behaviour is nauseating, boring, bland, and sad.

The Witcher (2019– )

Go watch paint dry instead.

[2/10 · 22 October 2022]

Season 1 was barely average, and Season 2 was a total mess. Almost impossible to follow, terrible dialogue, characters appearing and disappearing, multiple flashbacks, average CGI, and lots of torrid, wooden acting. I really don't understand what people see in Henry Cavill... he is virtually expressionless, monotonic, brooding in a laughable way, and wooden. You can just imagine him uttering his short, mono-syllabic sentences before sighing and brooding, then the director shouting, "Cut!", and telling Henry how 'simply marvellous' he is. Cavill isn't much better playing Superman or his other roles so if he didn't have a square jaw this guy would be out of a job because his acting is simply awful.

Not sure I could suffer Season 3!

Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)

Nothing To Love in this Thunderous Mess

[3/10 · 10 July 2022]

Just walked out a screening and am still trying to process what I just saw. I struggled with Thor: Ragnarok and watched it a few times, without feeling much better about it. This is much worse...

So, no spoilers, just my opinion: 1. Thor is not a comedian and this film is so stuffed full of one-liners that it becomes a distraction 2. Russell Crowe's accent would be more acceptable at a fruit and veg market, not as Zeus, king of the Gods 3. The script is a mess and it feels like there was no one to pull the writers, producers, and director into line 4. I am now so over Chris Hemsworth and really wish Thor had died in this movie. His muscles keep getting bigger (so boring) and he hams up his role with the same set pieces we've seen in 3 previous movies (even more boring) 5. The constant narration is irritating - talk about a narcissistic piece of film-making! Korg is as welcome as Jar Jar Binks - yeah, I said it!

6. Since Stan Lee died it seems Marvel is slowly but surely going downhill. Thor is a parody of himself and it's no surprise that we once again see Matt Damon and a lesser Hemsworth acting out Thor stories. Give me a break!!

7. Watch the credits and it looks like the entire Hemsworth clan and their mates were invited to this party... they certainly had more fun than I did watching this crap.

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

Don't Read Reviews before Watching This

[7/10 · 15 May 2022]

This film works best if you don't know anything about it before watching it.

There are three main characters, all of whom are terrific. But just as you think you've worked out what's happening, the film takes a huge twist that one of the characters had suspected all along.

I actually ended up thinking what a completely selfish person the character of Michelle was. Sure, there was evidence that she was being held captive, but in the end those assumptions were wrong and the cost to the other characters was high.

Still, I enjoyed watching this. It was worth it.

Birds of Prey (2020)

Choreographed Fun

[7/10 · 14 April 2022]

Look, my expectations for this film were roughly zero. So, it was a nice surprise to really enjoy this film. It proceeds at a manic pace for most of its runtime with wonderfully well-choreographed fight scenes in rapid succession. It's so well done that you can't help but grin as Harley & Co. Dispatch every man that crosses their path. An enjoyable hoot and Margot Robbie is excellent as Harley.

The Neon Demon (2016)

Rubbish dressed as art

[3/10 · 8 April 2022]

This film is trying really hard to BE something. It tries so hard to be cool, deep, and beautifully painted that it forgets that a film needs a story and characters that have a point. There is nothing to see here. Yes, there's some nudity if you must know.

Keanu Reeves is actually acting in this, which is a nice change from his typical roles, yet his character is a just a side bar here.

Other reviews here contain details of the plot, so I won't bother repeating it. A waste of two hours.

Morbius (2022)

A Wonderfully Triumphant Return To (Bad) Form

[3/10 · 30 March 2022]

So, so, so, so disappointing.

Sony have rampaged into the horror corner of the Marvel Universe and brought us a truly messed up, confusing, weakly plotted, poorly executed disaster.

Venom was questionable but was saved by some great humour. This lacks the humour.

It's a total mess.

And... the truly worst part is the end credit sequence where Sony is so intent on getting us to the Sinister Six that we're supposed to accept that Morbius would willingly team up with Adrian Toomes (aka the Vulture) against a teenage kid he's never heard of let alone met (Spider-Man)... truly terrible.

Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Overblown nostalgia from Marvel/Sony?

[7/10 · 17 December 2021]

I have not been a fan of the recent crop of Spider-Man movies. Actually I kinda hate them. I don't enjoy Tom Holland's take on the iconic character, the recasting of main characters to bring more diversity, and the hyperactive teenage-angsty scripts. It just doesn't work for me.

I loved Tobey Maguire's take (even S3's Venom/Sandman can be forgiven) and feel that Andrew Garfield was let down badly in his all-too-brief time in the costume. I'd much rather see either of them in the current MCU than Tom and this film gives us a chance to imagine such a scenario.

To see Tobey and Andrew cross over from their respective Universes was so powerful and heart-warming for me. I miss the soul and vulnerability they brought to the role as opposed to Tom's constant astonishment/enthusiasm which drives me nuts.

The film is poor. Without Tobey/Andrew, I'd be giving this a 3 out of 10. It's a boring film and it didn't pass the bum-on-seat test for me. It was a risky move stuffing the film with so many villains and Dr Strange and for all it's visual spectacle it left me hollow and not immediately wanting to see it again. It was eye candy at best for me. There was some obvious green-screen on show - perhaps using old footage, or cramming filming in, or even to maintain some level of secrecy with the actors? And the footage of Thomas Haden-Church was an obvious lift from S3 so apart from doing a voiceover I don't think he stepped one foot on set.

Maybe those younger than me who weren't old enough to enjoy the original entries will disagree and that's OK.

I've enjoyed Tom's cameos much more than his solo efforts. Maybe it is time for Tom to hang up the costume?

The Killing of Two Lovers (2020)

Nearly excellent... then what the?

[5/10 · 22 May 2021]

I randomly decided to watch this movie.

Loved every second of it - authentic, heart-wrenching, and gripping. A man trying to cope with being apart from his wife and kids on a trial separation while she's sleeping with someone else.

I really felt for him, his boys, and his daughter trying to deal with the situation.

Then the ending... what was that?

A possible 9 or 10 evaporated. Such a shame. Such a waste of a great script and raw filming. It's actually really irritated me as I was invested in how it would end.

Conspiracy Theory (1997)

Well worth a watch - one of Mel's best performances.

[9/10 · 22 May 2021]

There are plenty of positive reviews of this movie outlining the plot and various scenes so I'll skip that.

At its heart this is a love story. Mel Gibson's character has been turned into an assassin by Bourne-esque programming but he rejects his orders when he sees Julia Robert's character and falls in love.

It doesn't matter how or why Mel becomes a conspiracy theorist as a result and we never really find out whether he's on to something with any of his theories, or whether they are just coincidences.

The people who "made" him an assassin want him stopped and it makes for a really enjoyable thriller with great scripting and really creative ideas and plot devices.

Mel gives one of the best performances I've ever seen - it's a demanding complex role and he's up to it. And Julia provides the perfect object of his affection, making for a touching love story in amongst the hunt for Mel.

This film deserves a lot more recognition than it has received. It's aged well too and still feels relevant in 2021.

The One (I) (2021)

Weak Start

[3/10 · 14 March 2021]

Let's assume there is going to be a Season 2 as the ending was left wide open. We binged Season 1 in one afternoon and while the premise was promising, it soon descended into a messy series of unrelated side stories surrounding a badly-acted and badly-scripted main story. Give it a miss.

Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

Terrible on every level

[3/10 · 26 January 2021]

I was really looking forward to this movie after the first WW. That movie was refreshingly good and a nice change from the DC-dudfest. Nope. In what seems to be a race to the bottom, this movie absolutely stinks. A hot mess of appalling writing, plot holes, and terrible acting. Other reviews here say it better than me. I'm just glad I saw it for nothing by streaming it online. DC, you've ruined yet another franchise.

Black Mirror: Nosedive (2016) Season 3, Episode 1

Bryce Dallas Howard deserves an EMMY!

[10/10 · 6 January 2021]

Plenty of reviewers have, quite rightly, focused on the brilliance and relevance of this episode to the "real" world we live in. It is an extremely frightening depiction of where we may end up if our obsession with social media continues on its current trajectory.

This is the best Black Mirror episode so far.

Bryce Dallas Howard is absolutely OUTSTANDING in this episode. I have seen her in other roles and she has made literally zero impression on me. Not anymore. The storyline is an important one and it is because of her brilliant acting that the message hits you between the eyes and lingers long after the credits. Humankind is at a tipping point. Watching this episode tips the scales the "right" way and I hope enough people watch it to make a difference out there.

Hatari! (1962)

Enjoyable John Wayne African romcom

[6/10 · 15 November 2020]

It's fun to see John Wayne in a non-Western. Great location filming in Africa and a joy to see wild animals in a largely unspoilt Tanzania. There's not much of a storyline and the cast seems to simply be having fun filming. This film contains Henry Mancini's 'The Elephant Walk' and the elephants steal the closing scenes of the movie with a fun chase. It's a nice way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Choke (2020)

Don't Bother

[1/10 · 7 July 2020]

Unless you really, absolutely, find some sort of pleasure in knowingly wasting an hour of your life, then I would not recommend watching this "movie". It's incoherently dreadful - dialogue, story, acting, camera work.

Dark (2017–2020)

Masterpiece of Time Travel

[9/10 · 6 July 2020]

Brilliant show. At its heart is loss and love, and these two emotions cause a chain of endlessly looping events in time that are depicted in exquisite period detail. The characters are real, grounded, normal. We see them over generations as they stumble unknowingly through a paradox. This is brilliant stuff! Thoroughly recommend.

Ready or Not (I) (2019)

Ending Is Fun... The Rest? Meh

[4/10 · 6 December 2019]

This is a so-so movie. It doesn't work as a horror movie. It's not funny as a comedy. The characters are one-dimensional. But... the ending is funny and unexpected so it redeemed itself a little.

The Irishman (2019)

Not His Best Work... At All.

[4/10 · 30 November 2019]

Overly-long to the point of indulgence... presumably backed by Netflix executives egging Scorsese on to deliver a final masterpiece and stick the proverbial middle-finger to the larger film studios. Fail.

The Hoffa story has been covered before and Nicholson beats Pacino easily. Pacino dials in a watered-down version of the excellent 'Scent of a Woman'. And a haircut doesn't make a character! Fail.

De Niro looks downright freaky when de-aged and there are several scenes where it's excruciatingly obvious that he is an actor in his 70s, in poor shape, trying to portray a thug who is decades younger. The grocery store scene for example... painfully bad film-making. Fail.

The inclusion of Anna Paquin makes absolutely no sense at all. With virtually no dialogue and adding nothing to the story, her talent is completely wasted. Fail.

Furthermore, the character of Peggy irritated me the entire movie. Are we supposed to be watching the movie through her eyes? Should we feel sorry for her? Why did she have such an aversion to Pesci's character? Why did she cut off her father? What did she see? What did she actually know? Did her sisters feel the same way? Silence and long stares. Fail.

If you're going to stuff a film full of A-list actors the story, characterisation and acting must be A-grade too. In too many scenes I found myself pulled out of the movie and watching the actors themselves... it's irritating! Fail.

One thing I liked? Stunning period cars, harking back to a time when they were extravagant works of art.

Ultimately, there is simply no pay-off to this movie. The tension doesn't build to any kind of gratifying conclusion. I felt no sense of empathy or sense of loss for the last man standing: old, decrepit, lonely, and fading away in an old people's home. I felt no nostalgia for the bygone age of mobsters, thugs, and crime families that we've come to love in films like Goodfellas, The Untouchables, and others. This felt like a bloated, filler-episode, of a TV series running out of ideas, and overdue for cancellation.

Sorry, Mr Scorsese. Some of your movies are of the highest calibre. This was... a fail.

Joker (I) (2019)

Amazing. Captivating. Immersive. Raw.

[10/10 · 4 October 2019]

I am typically a fan of what Marvel has done, and initially saw no point to this movie when it was announced and couldn't see Phoenix doing the role justice, particularly after Heath Ledger's brilliant take on the Joker. How wrong was I? This movie starts slowly, and draws you into Arthur's world without you realising it until you can't look away from the screen for fear of missing a single second of it. It is raw, it is personal, it is disturbing, it is sad, and it is deeply resonant of some of the troubles we are experiencing today in the world. This is the Joker, arch-nemesis of Batman, yet you feel empathy for him, and can't completely disagree with his actions. He only hurts those who he perceives hurt him, even if his justice is fatal and doesn't befit the crime. "Wrong me, and you are dead," is not justice, and each of his victims display their own weaknesses and frailties, and aren't inherently bad people. This is a brilliant movie. One of the few I went back to the cinema to watch again. It deserves Oscar recognition for Phoenix, Todd Phillips, cinematography, and the score. Congratulations all round!