twelvetwo Reviews

Scarce (2008)

Underdone.

[3/10 · 16 April 2024]

"Scarce" presumably is an ironic title- films like this may be many things but scarce they are not. Three dumb as rocks snowboarders (which surely must be as close to a victimless crime as there is), fall in with some backwoods cannibals with predictable results. Nothing more predictable than the ending.

It's very slow to get anywhere- despite all the "foreshadowing" dialogue routinely clattering to the floor like a bag of hammers. One scene really irked me- the captives are made to dig a hole in the snow, using fairly substantial shovels. The cannibals are standing around not being particularly vigilant, yet they don't think to lamp the one with the gun on the side of the head with a shovel. That was the moment that convinced me that they deserved to die- other than the fact that they were snowboarders, obviously.

The Triangle (2016)

Too Real Man...

[3/10 · 16 April 2024]

Imagine any of the many documentaries you've seen about cults and communes etc.- especially any of the duller ones- and you have the bulk of this movie. "Found footage", but not really. It's quite well made in its way but boy, is it sl-ooo-w. It replicates a documentary by a low grade film crew about a low grade commune rather too well. By the time they get around to the "horroe/mystery" element, you'll have done very well if you've not lost all interest in the proceedings- in as much as there are any proceedings.

The characters are quite convincing the way they're very dull- just like the great majority of documentary filmmakers and commune dwellers.

Give it a miss.

If a Tree Falls (2010)

Padded beyond belief. And endurance.

[2/10 · 31 January 2024]

A film with no redeeming features, The acting.....isn't, the characters are unlikeable, but worst of all is the pacing- there isn't any. Virtually every scene is at least about twice as long as it needs to be. Thrill!, as people walk down a road in slow motion. Be enthralled by the witless character's tediously mundane conversations. It might have made a 25-30 minute short if they took all of the extraneous padding. Not a good one though.

Nothing about this will entertain, interest, or horrify you. Oh, it threatens to be more lurid than it can ever- or even try to-deliver. But it's as if the director's sweet old grandmother kept popping in during the editing process. She should have done me and him and the world at large a favour and told him not to bother.

Harvest Lake (2016)

Propaganda Film For Celibacy

[2/10 · 19 September 2023]

I think- emphasis on think- this was supposed to be an "erotic horror", you know of the kind that used to clog up the video store shelves in the days before the internet. You know. The ones where the images on the box were far more exciting than anything that actually appears in the film. I can imagine "Harvest Lake" has a pretty good box.

Rarely can a film have made sex seem so tedious. It belies it's relatively short running time by feeling interminable as you watch it- indeed time seems to stand still. And then it ends. Thankfully.

The "characters" are dull as ditch water, generally unappealing and not even particularly attractive. Eroticism remains elusive.

And they all liked happily ever after, Or something.

The Bad Man (2018)

Waste of time and space.

[1/10 · 18 September 2023]

Based on the synopsis I thought this was going to be pretty dreadful- and it did not disappoint at all.

I suppose you could call it a brave move for the filmmakers to work out their own, er.... "issues" in public like this, but I really wish they had'nt. It's a film without a single redeeming feature- the acting is poor, the writing execrable and- the worst crime of all- it's incredibly slow, repetitive and boring. I nearly said it was pretentious, but that would be unfair- it has no pretension to do anything than just exist It's like watching paint dry. It goes nowhere, because it has nowhere to go. It doesn't even have the guts to be truly offensive.

There must be jobs waiting tables that would be more satisfying than making this kind of dross. Probably going to pay better too

Would not be unfair to say I didn't like this much....

Horror in the Forest (2023)

Not as good- or bad- as you might think.

[4/10 · 11 September 2023]

Judging by the existing reviews on here, this is either a work of genius or the worst film made in many a long year. Of course it's neither.

It's- yet another - found footage affair. My patience with this "genre" was exhausted a long time ago- and I never had much to begin with It seems more contrived than just about any style of film making I can think of. Just seems to be an excuse for bad storytelling and poor film making generally. And I could- go on then, I will- harp on about the dogged determination with which these people stick to their cameras, when all logic dictates that they'd throw the damned things as far as they could.

That being said, this is not the worst. It generally looks fairly good. The acting is better than is often found in these things. The lead female character was reasonably engaging in fact. It did manage to slip in one pretty decent jump scare- got me pretty good in fact.

The ending, as so often in these films, was pretty underwhelming. I know with a found footage film you are pretty much condemning yourself to a vague/desultory non ending, and this did not disappoint in that regard.

I'd be mildly interested to see what- if anything- these guys do next.

House of the Damned (1963)

Quite A Nice Surprise

[6/10 · 24 August 2023]

I went into this movie knowing nothing whatsoever about it and was quite pleasantly surprised.

Given it's brief running time- never a bad thing- the first two thirds (or even more) are surprisingly slow. But this actually works in it's favour, as mysterious events slowly accrue with little really given away. The acting is pretty decent for the genre and budget, the two leads are reasonably likeable- the other two main characters a little less so perhaps.

The only let down was the ending which seems quite rushed, almost as if the leisurely pacing of the earlier parts of the film led the writers to suddenly think "hey , we've only got about ten minutes left, better wrap this thing up" Plus, the ending itself is kind of underwhelming however you look at it, which is a pity because the early parts of the film are so good and intriguing. Frustrating really, because this could have been a -minor- classic.

Followers (I) (2017)

Another One...Uh Oh....

[4/10 · 10 August 2023]

Found footage movie- yes, another one. Just in case we were running low I guess. Peopled with incredibly annoying characters- I'm guessing deliberately so, no-one could hit that high a strike rate by accident.

Not entirely predictable- I'll give it that. Bit of a twist towards the end. But ultimately just more people running through the woods, shouting "run!". And you really have to admire the tenacity with which these people stick to their cameras and keep filming. If I was being chased by a knife wielding maniac I'm pretty sure the camera would be one of the first things to go.

Not the worst of its kind, but a fair way from the best. To be fair, I did make it to the end- can't always say that....

Deep Freeze (2001)

A Useful "How Not To" Guide

[4/10 · 19 April 2022]

A film which steals shamelessly from Carpenter's "The Thing"- even to point of using actual footage, this film's main purpose is to show just how great that movie was. Everything "The Thing" got right (i.e. Everything), this gets wrong. Kind of amusing in it's rip-offery, but not really worth your time...