mrguugelballer Reviews

Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)

Utter disappointment

[2/10 · 17 February 2020]

Watched 1/3rd of the movie. Quit. Went to my attic and dusted my VHS player. Searched 30 minutes for the right adapter for SCART. Inserted my Terminator 2: Judgement Day VHS in. Watched it. Felt happy. Took my Arnold poster down because he took part in killing something that was so important for a 9-year old kid back in 1991. Seriously. F you Hollywood.

The ride never ends...

The Haunting of Hill House (2018)

Excellent mix of drama and horror

[10/10 · 24 October 2018]

Well what can I say. I've seen about 700 to 800 horror movies or series and this was the first one that I cried my eyes out in the end.

I'm still trying to figure it out what hit me so hard in the emotional center, but this is some seriously good entertainment. It's not perfect, but it's damn good. Cinematography is 10/10. Acting is almost right on the money. I did not find it particularly scary, but I've watched so many horror movies that it's not about the horror anymore for me, it's more about the story that is told. And the story was mostly good and sometimes excellent. Only grievance I have with the story is the oh-too-obvious "I am now going to tell you a scary story" parts. The first time it was done it was ok. The third (or fourth?) time it was done it's just repetition in my opinion. Also jump scares are so boring. They do the trick, but it's a cheap trick.

But the drama. Oh how I loved the drama. And I loved the dialogue between the people because it felt a lot more real than the usual dialogue in horror genre. Horror is one part secrets and mystery and usually it does not translate well as to how people communicate with eachother in horror movies because it's really difficult to write dialogue which is at the same time realistic conversation between people about the things that are happening in the movie/series but at the same time it don't spoil the secrets. In this series the dialogue works and it's beliavable AND it does not ruin the suspension. And thats worth 10/10 if something is. I don't even want to think how many horror films I've seen that I'd just hope everyone would be mute so that I would not have to endure the banal dialogue between the people on the screen :D

Haunting of the Hill House is an excellent story and I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone who enjoys watching horror.

Brawl in Cell Block 99 (2017)

I love it.

[10/10 · 14 October 2017]

First things first: This is not a drama movie that tries to be as real and convincing as possible.

This is a movie about violence (and few other themes) and that violence is set up and portrayed not realistically but artistically. What I mean is that the director and writer are not trying to create a copy of our world. They created a imitation of our world and twisted it a little to create the atmosphere they wanted for the movie.

Now that I got that out of my system I'll give a quick review.

Vince Vaughn is great. First part of the movie is a prologue for the second part which is the meat of this movie. And the meat tastes so good. Violence is portrayed with much detail. The movie does not explain everything to you. It still gives you enough hints in dialogue and in characters behavior that you understand what's happening and why it's happening. You could call it somewhat minimalist approach to build characters. For me it worked because one thing I do not like in films is when directors and writers include lengthy explanatory scenes in films so that every single viewer has clear understanding why characters do what they do. It's dumbing down movies and it's painful to watch. I love the chemistry between Bradley (not Brad) and Gil. I love the ending. I love the violence. I love that the movie is a bit "off" from the usual story lines.

If you're into violent movies, this is a must watch.

2012 (I) (2009)

Pure Fantasy

[3/10 · 22 March 2010]

This is a fantasy movie, because there is not a single scene that is plausible. The premise of the whole movie is ridiculous, everything in it is ridiculous. But the special effects are entertaining the first couple earthquakes. Then they just start to bore you out. The movie has its moments (two of them) first including Woody Harrelson and the second including Woody Harrelson. The rest is script-writing at its worst. Still, if you got a huge TV this movie might entertain you more than mid-day soup operas. So it's not a complete miss. But be aware that it might make you feel dumb. You have been warned.

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER ! ! ! This sums up the movie perfectly : After the cataclysmic events (including gigantic volcanoes erupting all around the world) the Captain says that survivors can now go out for the first time and breath again the CLEAR AIR.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Do not turn the light on

[4/10 · 2 November 2009]

Why I was not scared? Well, that's because I can't fear if two dumb retards are being haunted. First of all, it's a bad choice from the ghost to play with retards. Secondly, people that retarded are scared of a rat in a basement so it's really not that big of a deal. Seriously film makers, if you want to scare someone, put some effort in the script. Read it through a couple of times and think does it make any sense at all? "Ooh, we have proof that were haunted!" "Well, let's still continue to sleep lights out together" "Sounds like a good idea!" When you get to the half of the movie you start to understand the problem. And acting. Well. It was kinda realistic the first half, then the reactions of these two people started to be so ridiculous that it ruined the tension. I really had high hopes after the first twenty minutes but it was short lived excitement.

Lightly scary but does not really stick with you afterward.

If you're going to watch it, watch it alone in the dark to get some kicks out of it. Going in the theaters is a waste of your money.

District 9 (2009)

Pure Magic

[10/10 · 5 September 2009]

My judgment is clouded. I can not say anything bad about this movie because this is it. It's the greatest special-effect packed frigging' movie ever. I mean this is The Terminator 2 of 21th century. I'm just out of words. I need to see this again, and again, and again. This is the first movie I'm going to go watch another time in the cinema. It's worth it. I love it. I'm gonna go and buy me a District 9 hoodie, and i'm gonna be the most annoying fan boy ever. And I'm 28 and have a wife :D I'm going to show this movie to my kids (I have to make them first, as a matter of fact, I'm going to make babies for the single reason that I can show this movie to them) and, oh yes, SHOW THIS MOVIE TO THEM :D It's w00h00! It's HUGE! It's my cat food! GO SEE IT RIGHT NOW!

Eden Lake (2008)

Disturbing and brutal

[9/10 · 4 November 2008]

Oh my, this was one hell of a ride! It has everything I yearn from a horror movie. It's dark, bloody, depressing, somewhat realistic and oh, the ending, the ending. This is the second best British horror movie I have seen. The best was Dog Soldiers. The young actors do a good job depicting the variety of feelings from anger to horror to despair and the two lead actors are brilliant. It is a knee deep in doom all the way to the end. A few minor logic problems but you'll get over it, they don't ruin the mood at all.

I have to praise the script because it works in the boundaries of the real world and does not go over the top in any scene, and I know some may disagree in this but I think you'll like it never the less.

All in all, it is good and it is for you if you truly like horror. But it is also a disturbing and brutal movie so not for the faint of heart. Enjoy.

While She Was Out (2008)

Funeral of Logic

[4/10 · 4 November 2008]

Even though many people here praises this movie, I have to warn you. It has no logic whatsoever. I think that Basinger does a decent job at acting, but you can't make a thriller if there is a great lack of realism.

This scene paints a good picture for you of the movie : while Basinger is pursued by murderous thugs she decides to sit down and gaze upon a picture she finds from her pocket. The picture is from her daughter and it reads "we love you mommy". Who does something like that ? What the eff? And believe me when I say that it is not nearly as stupid as some other scenes of the movie. Someone stated that this is a "hidden gem". Well, I have to strongly disagree, this movie has stayed hidden for a reason. And it's not a gem. Oh, and please, I don't even want to start commenting about the red toolbox. It hurts my brain :D Usually the lack of logic does not bother me if it is in small amounts, but this movie basically is made possible only because of the lack of logic. But, i still give it a 4 because even though it is embarrassingly flawed in logic, it has certain mood that kept me watching till the end.

So if you choose to watch this, you know you have been warned.

House (2008)

It was a nice ride

[5/10 · 23 October 2008]

First of all I want to state that I do not have any strong feelings about Christianity or atheism and I have not read the book nor do I know who the guys directing the movie are, so my opinion of this movie is based only in what I did see on the screen.

And it was alright. Nothing special about this film, really. It's kinda like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre without any gore. People stuck in a house, people running around scared. A bogeyman, the occupants are weirdos etc. So you have seen this before if you're a horror fan. And even if you're not you still seen this before. I have to admit that I did not miss the gore, so the movie delivers somewhat without the gore.

What comes to the actors, it was a mixed mess. Some scenes were good and then some were so silly or so out of this world that you just had to cringe. I have to admit that I only stumbled to this movie because of Michael Madsen. And well, he is always gooood. At acting I mean.

All in all, this is nothing new. If it is a rainy day, you could rent this. But if you really dig horror you might as well rent something better. Like old-school classic "The Haunting" which is really a HORROR movie. This movie here is horror only for those who don't watch horror regularly. Oh, and if someone thinks that the ending is something special or it has some deeper meaning, well haha to you sir. It has been done several times in horror movie history. But maybe it's new to YOU.

Five stars because it's not a bad movie, but it's nothing special either. And the R rating is misleading.

Dance of the Dead (2008)

Same old, same old

[4/10 · 11 October 2008]

To be honest, this movie did not deliver in any level. Everything that this movie is has been done before, except the "twist" that isn't really anything mind blowing. The kills are mediocre, the plot is so predictable and so boring that I had serious thoughts about just skipping to next chapter all the time. Though Dance of the Dead looks OK, the actors are good enough, no complaining in that sector. Special effects were also good enough. But why do another zombiemovie with the same old clichés? And what comes to the comedy part of the movie. It blows. But i must admit that I am not a fan of teenage comedies so that kind of humor just does not sink in to me. So if you're NOT into zombiemovies, this movie might entertain you. But if you're seen such classics like Return of The Living Dead, Evil Dead 2, Dawn of the Dead, Bio-Zombie, Dead Alive and Cemetery Man then don't expect anything that you haven't seen already.

I give it a 4 because it has nothing original in it, but the production and effects and acting keep it running. And yes, I do not count that lame "twist" as something remarkable. Same old, same old.

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008 Video)

Bodily fluids

[9/10 · 6 October 2008]

There is a whole lot a things going on in the "Town" and there is going to be bucket-loads of bodily fluids flying trough the air. Feast II is obviously made with love and with one thing only in mind - to offend anyone who is not accustomed to Braindead-type of horror. Because nothing is sacred in this movie. I mean, I can think only like two or three things "worse" than what is shown in F2 but it would have been illegal and thus they couldn't include those acts in the movie.

What comes to real cinematic values, like directing and so on... well don't expect intense horror and realistic reactions. Expect mediocre facial expressions and out-of-this-world situations. But hey, the cast and the crew really didn't even bother to try because you can't make this kind of movie with serious face. It's tons-of-fun and it's goooood. I say goood! If you like mad and incoherent movies with lots of corpses and you don't need solid plot because all you want is madness, then this movie is for YOU.

I give it 9 stars because of the fact that this movie is so politically incorrect and the fact that it is below 5 now. Without the mad scenes this would have been a 5 out of 10.

Have fun watching. And for the record, if you watch this with your girlfriend or boyfriend, tell them that you just picked it up without knowing what to expect :D

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Bring out the meat

[9/10 · 5 October 2008]

I love Clive Barker and his mad visions, and I sure did love this movie too. It isn't haunting horror like the Shining or Ringu, but it is nice little slaughterfest. Some of you will not like the CGI-gore but it didn't bother me because in my honest opinion, it looked good. If you have seen the french übergory movie "Inside" then this is a notch down from it but I could promise it'll make you cringe once or twice. What comes to the acting, it isn't Oscar material but it is good enough for this kind of film. Atmosphere is great, directing is good, camera-work is good so there is no reason to miss this great story from Clive Barker. My 6 out of my 9 stars come from acting, directing etc. and the rest 3 stars come from gore. Because I'm a gore hound :D Have fun with this movie!

Felon (2008)

Worth your time.

[7/10 · 17 July 2008]

No big words here. Felon is a good (but not original) story with solid performances from actors. It is worth your time and in the end it makes you ask yourself a few questions, if you haven't given a much thought about prison system in the States. Including brutal violence and the normal "tough guys in prison"-stuff. I recommend if violence don't offend you. Some minus points are from couple of non-believable story elements considering the amount of damage one person can take in a long time span and a few little glitches here and there. The atmosphere of the prisons section where the movie focuses was good, and you can feel the hostility when you are taken to the "jard". Seven stars out of ten. And it was nice to see Val Kilmers performance as the old dog.

REC (2007)

Most unprofessional cameraman ever.

[2/10 · 4 March 2008]

Usually I'm not going to sit through 85 minutes if all I get is blurry images and shaky cam. As a horror movie this could be good if the director would have stopped to think that TV-stations don't hire cameramen who are A)possessed or B) suffer from Parkinson's. It's ridiculous how much the camera shakes. For heavens sake, is the guy filming with a 100$ hand-cam for a TV-show? P'ssed me off. But nevertheless it's OK horror with friggin annoying camera. Still not deserving rating over 6.0 ever. Shaky shaky. Damn ten lines :D The lead actress does a good job and the blood and injuries look real. Too much screaming.

Man of the Year (2006)

Irritating

[5/10 · 23 January 2008]

Nothing fancy to say here. Acting is good, camera-work is good. I laughed at the jokes. But then there is one huge irritating thing in the plot - against her character the goddamn programmerbit** can't spit the problem with the poll system OUT! Why in the name of Bogwathor she suddenly starts to act like a complete retard? She knows that there have been a huge, no, not huge but gigantic error and hundreds of millions of people are misguided and what does she do? I don't even want to tell you. The point is that it irritated the sh*t out of me and it spoiled the good feel of the movie. If you watch this movie you'll know what I mean. Grr! GRMBLAARGH!

Hitman (I) (2007)

I'm losing some of my faith

[1/10 · 22 January 2008]

Almost 95% of the time I agree with the ratings movies get on IMDb, but the fact that Hit-man is at the moment rated 6.4 is shocking.

I expected Hit-man to be kinda like Shoot Em Up (like many other reviewers). I thought there will be awesome gunfights with superior accuracy delivered from a stone-faced sociopath. A ruthless, merciless killer. But what did they serve me? A friggin' baby-face wussyass gunslinger who feels sorry for hookers? He constantly holds back from shooting enemies at the first sight (hes elite killer enemies do also the same all the time) and there is no balls in this movie. Nothing. Just plain everyday shooting bad guys and using bond-gizmos. They had a good concept and they somehow just blew it. Utterly ridiculous and gray action movie. Olyphant is the silliest ûberkiller ever.

This movie isn't exactly worth one star, but I have to drag it a bit down because it really does not deserve 6.4 star.

The Hitcher (2007)

Aww...My brain hurts

[1/10 · 9 July 2007]

I'm sorry, but I don't know if this review makes any sense because I believe that I'm now mentally challenged. Dave Meyers did have a lot of money and a horror film classic that he wanted to remake. He gave the task to write this remake to a retarded giraffe who thought he is Napoleon reborn. The giraffe wrote the script and left into it these vast plot canyons, so that it is impossible to believe most of the things that are happening in this movie. We should all remember that you cannot make a horror movie if it doesn't have any intensity, and real reactions and plausible situations create the intensity in a horror movie. So if there is an axemurderer and all of a sudden you see dwarfs dancing ballet with elves..well..are you scared ? I give you two options that describe this movie very well. If you are chased by Michael Myers and you can a) go hide in a closet or b) join the posse of 20 cops in broad daylight, which one of these options do you think this movie picks for it's actors ? This is utter garbage, a symphony for wasting money in s*it.

And I'll give it one star because with that kind of money and that kind of original story it is a blasphemy to direct stuff like this.

The Gravedancers (2006)

Good ol' ghost story

[8/10 · 7 July 2007]

Mendezes Gravedancers did to me what I expected it to do. Scare me couple of times good. Even when I knew something scary is about to happen, I was still getting' the goosebumps. So I feel confident that I can recommend this movie to anyone who likes a bit horror for a nightbite. What comes to acting, the quality did vary along the movie from good to tolerable, so it didn't break the mood. What comes to characters, well, I don't think they were thought through all the way, but they didn't seem plastic either. Why I am still giving eight stars is because this is a old-school horror movie, with scary looking ghosts (except the final scene which is kinda over-the-top) and nice special effects. The storyline is acceptable also and it does not have serious flaws either. All in all I had a good ride with the three vicious ghosts and I think I'll be visiting them again after some time. "I ain't running anywhere unless something is chasing me"

Bad Boy Bubby (1993)

Disturbingly beautiful

[10/10 · 26 June 2007]

What can you say ? I just finished watching Bubbys story (and somewhat Pops too) and it was just ... just puzzling and fantastic. The scenes were like different states of Bubbys mind and the story (just remember it is a bit surreal) was disturbingly beautiful. A glorious mix of melancholy, pain, love, happiness, acceptance, denial - well, the list goes on and on forever. That said, Im very pleased that it all stayed in the directors hands, not loosing it's rhythm.

What comes to acting, there were very difficult and challenging characters, especially Claire Benitos "mom", but all the actors (exept some of the "bands" players) did a very, very good job. There is some little acting parts given to amateurs, but it kinda fits the surreal style of the movie, to have plastic looking people (in Bubbys eyes). All in all Im very pleased that I did find this movie, and it made a huge impression to me but I have to give a fair warning. The is (even though it is fake) animal cruelty, and disturbing sexual scenes that will shock some of the viewers. That said. ENJOY.

The X-Files: F. Emasculata (1995) Season 2, Episode 22

Full of plot holes

[1/10 · 18 June 2007]

Well, this episode was so full of plot holes that I have to comment about it. So the great pharmaceutical company is using prisoners as lab rats. Ahem. Why would they use a prison, if they can do all the things they are doing in this episode, like burning bodies in a crematory (crematory in a prison?), lying to everyone that they are from CDC without any prison officers of anyone else caring about it.. the list goes on and on. Because if they told the prison that they are from CDC and the prisons officers would confirm this and the CDC would say they are from CDC but they in fact are from that big pharmaceutical company, then it would mean that the CDC and the company are both involved and they wouldn't even need to lie.

In one scene, there's U.S Marshalls and Mulder in a gas station where they discover a wounded clerk. Suddenly a yellow helicopter comes from nowhere, and 4 hazard-suited men grab the victim in a plastic coffin. No one does nothing, they just stare those 4 dudes packing their victim in and they don't ask anything, do anything, just stare like stupid rabbits. No one in law enforcement would EVER act like that.

This whole episode was so full of sh it that I can't stand it. Usually there's even some kind of connection to reality in behaviors of law enforcement in X-files, but this was so stupid episode that it made me angry.

OK, there is a good gross factor, but thats it.

The Relic (1997)

A lullaby

[2/10 · 30 May 2007]

Diddly day. That was a boring hour and a half. Last few weeks I have been watching mostly horror movies and I have come to this conclusion : anything goes nowadays as a horror movie if it shows severed heads. As does this stupid flick.

First of all, the acting consists basically of stereotypes and maneuvers. There's nothing interesting in any of the characters, they are just plain dull people. Then there is the museum. It's like some weird hybrid of Fort Knox and library. And there is underground sewers where homeless people live...under the fortknoxish library. And so on.

The screenplay, and particularly when things start to happen, is awful. That's because it's either dark, or you'll see just a little glimpse of the thing thats eating Gilbert's grape. But even though it sometimes is far more horrifying what you can't see, in this case it doesn't work because the director can't simply keep the scary atmosphere up. It's like "Ooh, look Willie - it's a severed head!" "Blaablaalbaa" "BLaablaa" "Ooh Willie, look it's my dog!" Well...I don't even start with the plot. It's just a typical monster-film plot. Something comes from somewhere and then it's time to run in fear because that something that came from somewhere is big, bad, and ugly. And then the main character somehow kills that something with some silly plan that is clever. And it's dark. And there is severed heads. And there is another one. Your little sister fell asleep in half way the movie.

Sweet lullaby

Big Bad Wolf (2006)

Werewolfs one-liners

[5/10 · 23 May 2007]

It's the Big Bad Wolf, and it has some "funny" phrases for it's victims. That's almost all you can say about this werewolf-flick. The main idea with the writers seems to have been the misleading start, which is a nice surprise, but after that the movie limps in a tarpit for a while, until the clihcé ending. Even though there's some innovative (but corny) scenes, it doesn't save the fact that it's not believable. It tries hard to be believable but f.e. the whole marriage abuse thing...c'mon. There is gore, and its good at times. There is a werewolf cracking black jokes. And there's teens in trouble. The plot is somewhat mediocre, and I can believe that the writers have worked it. But it always amazes me why they tend to forget the police forces from this kind of movies. And you'll understand what I mean if you watch this movie. Acting is at time to time good, but the main character is really, really one dimensional.

So 5 stars and thats because of two reasons. First of all, werewolf-movies are a rare breed in 21-century so i'm kind of supporting the fact that these are even made and second of all, the gore is fine.

The Condemned (2007)

Skip daddily duh.

[4/10 · 21 May 2007]

Well that wasn't swell. When a director decides to have a wrestler as the main character, I assume that I will see situations where a huge man cracks, snackles and pops almost as huge or as evil men around him. Well, thats what we all want to see if we choose to watch this kind of film. Now if a director decides to hire cameramen who all seem to have one thing in common - epileptic seizures whenever there's action - then that director is condemned to a certain hell (quoting a known shepherd). And this is the Stone Cold Steve Austin-sized flaw in this particular film.

You Don't see the ACTION. Its all blur and fast cuts and shitty shitty bang bang. What is the sense of directing a action film if you can't see whats FRIGGIN happening'? Certainly the plot is something not to mention. Certainly the acting is average. So thats why the action-sequences should provide our minds with cool, ass-kicking violence and head smashing, skull crashing brawls. But nooooooo. Instead we get a vision of "cool fight-scenes" from a cameraman who likely has studied in the filming-school of blind, inbred orphan monkeys who didn't fit to write Shakespeare in a government secret project.

This movie should have provided action in the form of Stone Cold Steve Austin but it fails miserably because we can't figure the F out where he is hitting and who he is hitting and what damage it does because the FRIGGIN cameraman is having a seizure while filming ! So to make this simple : no story, no good acting, no huge special effects and yes, action. If you can call 46 cuts in a 60 second scene action.

A big disappointment

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)

Boy scouts visit the Rocky mountains

[2/10 · 20 May 2007]

When some limp leg decides to put soldiers in a horror movie, they should first watch Dog Soldiers to learn a bit how soldiers should die in a horror movie. They shouldn't die like the ones in HHE 2. And you know why they shouldn't die like they do in it ? That's because soldiers don't take a leak seconds after ambushing some cannibal freak. That's because soldiers do not run around in a dark mine carrying tens of sticks of dynamite. That's because soldiers do not forget their weapons when they find a deep cut guy in a port-a-potty...that's is the time I would really like to know where did I put my weapon of choice. This movie is so full of idiocy that it doesn't make any sense. I understand some teenagers in a horror movie acting like arses, but who really thinks that they would act in such a naive and stupid manner in a circumstances like those in the movie ? Even if sergeant is dead there is a line of command that is to be followed and even if they were at the end of their training they would know that. Then...where in the hell all their equipment disappears ? From scene to scene they lost their equipment without no explanation. First, no helmets. Then half of them do not have their combat vests with them. After that they don't have their spare clips with them and so on. What T F? I could go on and on and on with these examples. And because of these flaws the movie looses it's fear factor. It just don't make any sense. If all the characters are acting like children on a school trip gone wrong, nobody doesn't care what happens to them. So I give this movie a 2 and thats only because of the gore and couple of semi-funny scenes.

PS. I'm from Finland so mocking the characters displaying NG has nothing to do with the fact that there is a war going on in Iraq. It's just that I know NG i better trained than displayed in this stupid ass movie.

R-Point (2004)

Legend of the screaming soldiers

[3/10 · 26 April 2007]

I checked this movie because it was rated better than average here. But I didn't like it, mostly because of the stupid, screaming, brainless soldiers that are all the time in the edge of mass hysteria, even though first there's no real reason for that. They scream, cry, shout and act like a bunch of baboons. And I can assure you, that's not the way a South-Korean soldier would act. The "horror" isn't really there, some really awful gore-like "effects", the atmosphere isn't frightening...blah blah blah...dialog is absurd from time to time. And in the end you are not really sure what was the whole friggin' point whit the .. well...no spoilers here.

As a fan of gore, horror, medical abnormalities, shocks and so on, this movie offered me nothing but screaming soldiers running like headless chickens.

But I must admit that OK, the ending was better than I thought.

I fell asleep in the halfway of this movie in the first time...so...